Seeking help ... am I part of the problem?

[halfalump]

My uBPDw has asked that I find a therapist or program for her to look into.

We have tried this before, with a CBT/DBT program in NYC. On the morning she was supposed to go for her first consultation, she lost it. Their "intake" process involves filling out approximately 50 badly photocopied pages filled with very personal questions. The pressure to be on time is a BIG trigger for her, as is being asked personal information that may reveal she is "crazy". With 2 hours before we were supposed to leave for the appointment, and each new question filling her with more shame, she couldn't see how she could possibly answer all of that in time. And because their introductory email said we would be charged a $275 fee for any appointments missed without at least 48 hours notice, the pressure was just too much and she popped. Of course, it was all my fault for not forcing her to get out of bed sooner... . 

Only now, 2-3 months later, is my W again willing to entertain the idea of getting help.

I asked a local support organization to recommend a program with a somewhat more understanding and sensitive approach than the one we tried before. In response, the founder of the organization told me, "Absolutely do not give your wife the name of a therapist. It is her illness, her life and she has to take responsibility. She has to do her own work at finding a therapist. The criteria you are asking make no sense. You are doing the BPD dance, swimming in the pool with your wife and nothing will change."

For my W, even asking me to help is a big, scary step. Should I not support that? Am I really being part of the problem in trying to give her a hand? When she asks for my help, am I supposed to say, "Sorry, it's your problem, not mine"?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Ripped Heart]

Halfalump, it can be really confusing knowing what the right thing to do is given these circumstances and situation you find yourself in. It's not easy and it sounds like you are having a spot of trouble trying to determine where your own boundaries lie when it comes to helping your wife. It's a situation many of us have found ourselves in so you certainly aren't alone in that regard.

The short answer to your question is that you should do what you feel comfortable with.

It does sound though like there is a lot of projection aimed at you, the responsibility of finding help and organising it. so I do see why the organization said what they did to you. In that sense, this is her responsibility if she truly wants help. As the responsibility has been shifted on to you, naturally if anything goes wrong or doesn't work, it's also easy for that responsibility to be passed to you too. Which from your comments, also appears to be the case.

I remember being blamed for the fact my ex was caught speeding simply because I traveled the same road earlier on my way to work and didn't inform her that there was a police speed check on the road. Looking back from the enmeshment, it wasn't my responsibility, she was the one who was speeding and that lies with her.

In your case, there are things you can do to show support and be involved with the process whilst still leaving the responsibility of seeking help with your wife. For example, if she really wants help, do as your local support organization has suggested and let her do her own work in finding a therapist. You can provide support by sitting down and looking at the options she has found, validating her thoughts behind her choices and giving praise on positive decisions she makes.

I found with my own experiences that taking control of a situation (even when the responsibility is passed on) can cause a certain level of resentment towards you. I guess it's not so much about being supportive but more about how you support the situation. Again, it can be really difficult to determine the level of support and that can take a bit of work on your behalf. It's about finding the balance in between, you don't want to appear as though you don't care but at the same time, you shouldn't have to take on the responsibility of the situation either.

[Notwendy]

That seems like a rock or a hard place- a double bind. If you don't help her, then she can blame you for being cold and heartless. If you do, then she can blame the therapist on you or make you the cause of some problem.

Do you have any kind of insight into finding a T? Or will you look on internet/phone booth. If you don't have any connections to good T's or how to find one, then you can't really help her beyond what she could do for herself- look for a T.

Perhaps the best person to help her find a T would be her physician, since he/she would know who to refer to. One way to "help" might be to say "honey, I have no way of knowing who would be best for you. I think your doctor who knows you might be able to help you better than I can. I love you and support your decision to go to T, and I know you are capable of finding one who you like and want to work with"