Finally going NC, can't handle email/texts/...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I finally sent this today:

Hia ex,

I'm happy to hear that everything is going very well for you in ____. Things are going pretty well back here in ____. The weather is bizarrely warm, I'm starting to pick up a bit of a social life, and am making a bit of progress with [work].

Unfortunately, right now I think I am going to have to ask for a little 'silence' as you did in the fall. I'm not sure for how long, but I'm getting back out into the dating world and I think being in touch will be really hard on me and unfair to whatever person I happen to be dating.

I am really glad we have managed to get back in touch and I hope that continues, just with a little break for now.

Wishing you lots of joy and a very lovely spring in the meantime,

Me

It was difficult, as things aren't horrible at the moment, but I felt it was the right thing for now.

The back-story:

I was with the ex for 2.5 years. Things were great at first and moved along quickly; everything was wonderful. At the onset she let me know that she was recovering from anorexia, so I'd need to help her/keep an eye on her to make sure she was eating, especially when she was stressed out. She said if things weren't good she would "just stop eating." The weird thing is that the worst that came from this was her getting almost comically angry with me a couple times for eating junk-food.  

A few months later, things are going well, and she let me know that she was the victim of sexual assault/rape (she wasn't 100% consistent there) from a recent boyfriend. Our sex-life was fine, mostly great even, but she was triggered sometimes by TV/movies when there was sexual violence. Okay, another area to be careful around.   

A few months later, things are going well, and she tells me about being disowned by her parents when she changed religions a few years back. They eventually patched things up, but this is still a touchy area. Okay, another area to be careful around.  

A few months later, things are going well, and she tells me she has major depression - and has had it for years but never "felt safe telling anyone but me before". Oh, and she's been cutting herself with razor blades, so I should take those from her, and her swiss army knife... .And some suicidal ideation. But she'll go into therapy and take the meds and things will be okay, right? Just another thing to be careful around.  

Then she has a major falling out with an old friend; tells me the friend isn't being supportive, isn't being nice, is talking about her behind her back, etc. I thought, "okay, it must be true, the friend - who I don't know - must not be a good friend, ditch her and get on with life." But then she starts having a falling out with a friend I do know, and who is a good person and has been EXTREMELY helpful to my ex when my ex has had breakdowns. Sh*t. Another thing to be careful around.  

Many of you probably know where this goes next: me.  

The next thing is that she starts picking on ME, for no reason that I can figure out. Suddenly I'm not being giving enough, not good enough, etc. The details are not important. I got tired of it and broke things off. The break-up was the usual: from her crying and pleading to raging and saying horrible things.

I'm not even 100% sure she's BPD, perhaps just 'damaged'. I had a for-sure BPD partner about 7 years ago and that woman was truly a mindf*&k. So my new ex was very tame in comparison and I thought, okay, after a few months I'd reach out with an email (we'd both moved to different cities, far, far apart). At first she told me I could f* off, that she had a new bf, and didn't want my memory hanging over that relationship. However, after another month or two she did respond in kind and said maybe friendship could work, after all we've spent 2.5 years together, yada yada.

Since then (Nov) we've exchanged a couple emails; I told her I don't want to hear about her new relationship for now, she insisted on telling me anyway. And then on Valentines Day, at midnight, she starts messaging me "hey, haven't heard from you in a while, how are things in ___" I messaged back asking why she was messaging me. She says she's out with her new bf and just bored. I didn't respond.

Sigh.

I'd like to say I tried the friendship thing. I'd like to say she's not BPD. And yes, there's a *tiny* part of me that still misses her.

I'm feeling a little bummed out having to go NC (and I recognize that's *probably* due to clinging I still have for her).

But otherwise I'm feeling good (writing it all out like that is amazingly cathartic). Feedback, thoughts, etc very welcome.

[Home at last]

I finally sent this today:

Hia ex,

I'm happy to hear that everything is going very well for you in ____. Things are going pretty well back here in ____. The weather is bizarrely warm, I'm starting to pick up a bit of a social life, and am making a bit of progress with [work].

Unfortunately, right now I think I am going to have to ask for a little 'silence' as you did in the fall. I'm not sure for how long, but I'm getting back out into the dating world and I think being in touch will be really hard on me and unfair to whatever person I happen to be dating.

I am really glad we have managed to get back in touch and I hope that continues, just with a little break for now.

Wishing you lots of joy and a very lovely spring in the meantime,

Me

It was difficult, as things aren't horrible at the moment, but I felt it was the right thing for now.

The back-story:

I was with the ex for 2.5 years. Things were great at first and moved along quickly; everything was wonderful. At the onset she let me know that she was recovering from anorexia, so I'd need to help her/keep an eye on her to make sure she was eating, especially when she was stressed out. She said if things weren't good she would "just stop eating." The weird thing is that the worst that came from this was her getting almost comically angry with me a couple times for eating junk-food.  

A few months later, things are going well, and she let me know that she was the victim of sexual assault/rape (she wasn't 100% consistent there) from a recent boyfriend. Our sex-life was fine, mostly great even, but she was triggered sometimes by TV/movies when there was sexual violence. Okay, another area to be careful around.   

A few months later, things are going well, and she tells me about being disowned by her parents when she changed religions a few years back. They eventually patched things up, but this is still a touchy area. Okay, another area to be careful around.  

A few months later, things are going well, and she tells me she has major depression - and has had it for years but never "felt safe telling anyone but me before". Oh, and she's been cutting herself with razor blades, so I should take those from her, and her swiss army knife... .And some suicidal ideation. But she'll go into therapy and take the meds and things will be okay, right? Just another thing to be careful around.  

Then she has a major falling out with an old friend; tells me the friend isn't being supportive, isn't being nice, is talking about her behind her back, etc. I thought, "okay, it must be true, the friend - who I don't know - must not be a good friend, ditch her and get on with life." But then she starts having a falling out with a friend I do know, and who is a good person and has been EXTREMELY helpful to my ex when my ex has had breakdowns. Sh*t. Another thing to be careful around.  

Many of you probably know where this goes next: me.  

The next thing is that she starts picking on ME, for no reason that I can figure out. Suddenly I'm not being giving enough, not good enough, etc. The details are not important. I got tired of it and broke things off. The break-up was the usual: from her crying and pleading to raging and saying horrible things.

I'm not even 100% sure she's BPD, perhaps just 'damaged'. I had a for-sure BPD partner about 7 years ago and that woman was truly a mindf*&k. So my new ex was very tame in comparison and I thought, okay, after a few months I'd reach out with an email (we'd both moved to different cities, far, far apart). At first she told me I could f* off, that she had a new bf, and didn't want my memory hanging over that relationship. However, after another month or two she did respond in kind and said maybe friendship could work, after all we've spent 2.5 years together, yada yada.

Since then (Nov) we've exchanged a couple emails; I told her I don't want to hear about her new relationship for now, she insisted on telling me anyway. And then on Valentines Day, at midnight, she starts messaging me "hey, haven't heard from you in a while, how are things in ___" I messaged back asking why she was messaging me. She says she's out with her new bf and just bored. I didn't respond.

Sigh.

I'd like to say I tried the friendship thing. I'd like to say she's not BPD. And yes, there's a *tiny* part of me that still misses her.

I'm feeling a little bummed out having to go NC (and I recognize that's *probably* due to clinging I still have for her).

But otherwise I'm feeling good (writing it all out like that is amazingly cathartic). Feedback, thoughts, etc very welcome.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

What you described sounded familiar. I won't share mine as it's just too... .nasty.

Anyway was NC on and off, went back made up then over again. In computer jargon, an endless loop; it's not good especially in this context. 2 weeks ago i made up my mind. Haven't looked back, until yesterday. Yes tell me I'm a sucker for doing that. Suddenly it was like a bell rung and I left without thinking further. I had read quite a few posts here and in other forums, turn and don't look back. I don't regret not leaving sooner, as I had to go through the journey myself, and now having gone through it, my personal advice is don't even text or email let alone talk or meet. I have spoken to few people and read quite a few discussion about it. There is something about it that has to do with brainwashing and mind control, perhaps not blatantly but subtly. Trust me was I shocked when I read about how they use it in prisoner camps and probably still do now. After the Korean war, there were POWs that denounced their citizenship and defected to China. If you can read about the Stockholm syndrome, it may not have happened in your case, but know that it may and can happen.

[Restored2]

Hi Home at last:  Sounds like quite the extended roller coaster ride you were taken on.  My heart goes out to you.  She obviously knew that you could not digest the all-you-can-eat buffet of red flags at one time, which is why she broke it down to you over the course of several months.  It's completely understandable for you to miss someone that you shared a life with.

[Home at last]

Thanks, guys.

It's good to be home again and working through the 'letting go' process of NC. The kind of love you get from a BPD can be addictive and I guess that's why so many of us stay or keep going back. Five days in and it doesn't feel very different yet; but I'll give it time. I know from reading so many stories here that it's the best way forward for me now.