Your assistance, thoughts, suggestions regarding NC w/ BPDexw

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

 

Would like your input for this situation please... .

I have been complete NC with BPDxw since our final divorce hearing in April 2014 (other than 1 email in August regarding a legal issue)... The court determined we were to split a handful of bills and I sent her copies of the receipts for those I had paid which was over 75% of the total.  In the August email all I asked was 'If or when do you intend to pay the balance?'  No personal questions, no lovey dovey stuff, nothing to give her reasons to spew any anger or dirt.  

Her response was... .'Ill check your email tomorrow and let you know.  And, by the way, I don't have BPD, I have severe ADHD which helps me understand the cause for most of my behaviors in my life, most of which I have always hated and never understood till now.  And you were right a few years ago when you told me you thought I was very ill.  I was diagnosed a few weeks ago with Lupus.'

Then she went on to explain how debilitating and sick she has been for over the past year and yadda yadda yadda.

3 questions for you please... .

1- She has yet to respond regarding the financial obligation.  Again, the email was 6 months ago.  All I want to know is if she has any intention of paying them.  :)o you think I should email her again with the same question as before? Or not?

2- Should I include any response to her physical or mental maladies of BPD/ADHD/Lupus?

3- Should I just not respond at all and just let it be?

I'm loving this NC thing and its proved to be a mental heath saver for me.  I suppose if you knew my story it would probably help, but it would take gigabytes to tell.  Suffice it to say, a classic BPD torture chamber Lies, deceit, theft, cheating, headbanging, ad infinitum.

I think I have an idea what ya'll might suggest, but would like to know your thoughts

Thanks so much!

[Bumpsintheroad]

 

Would like your input for this situation please... .

I have been complete NC with BPDxw since our final divorce hearing in April 2014 (other than 1 email in August regarding a legal issue)... The court determined we were to split a handful of bills and I sent her copies of the receipts for those I had paid which was over 75% of the total.  In the August email all I asked was 'If or when do you intend to pay the balance?'  No personal questions, no lovey dovey stuff, nothing to give her reasons to spew any anger or dirt.  

Her response was... .'Ill check your email tomorrow and let you know.  And, by the way, I don't have BPD, I have severe ADHD which helps me understand the cause for most of my behaviors in my life, most of which I have always hated and never understood till now.  And you were right a few years ago when you told me you thought I was very ill.  I was diagnosed a few weeks ago with Lupus.'

Then she went on to explain how debilitating and sick she has been for over the past year and yadda yadda yadda.

3 questions for you please... .

1- She has yet to respond regarding the financial obligation.  Again, the email was 6 months ago.  All I want to know is if she has any intention of paying them.  :)o you think I should email her again with the same question as before? Or not?

2- Should I include any response to her physical or mental maladies of BPD/ADHD/Lupus?

3- Should I just not respond at all and just let it be?

I'm loving this NC thing and its proved to be a mental heath saver for me.  I suppose if you knew my story it would probably help, but it would take gigabytes to tell.  Suffice it to say, a classic BPD torture chamber Lies, deceit, theft, cheating, headbanging, ad infinitum.

I think I have an idea what ya'll might suggest, but would like to know your thoughts

Thanks so much!

[billypilgrim]

My two cents?  How much is the remaining balance?  If it's not all that much, then pay that crap and be done with it.  I've had to do much of the same with mine.  It's just easier that way.  They are children.  They can't handle many financial matters the way they should.  At the end of the day it's just money, try to view it as a small price to pay to keep her out of your world.  Now on the other hand, if you really do want her to pay the remaining share, I would just re-mail the exact same thing you did the first time.  Completely ignore everything else.  You are under no obligation to acknowledge her nor respond to her regarding those issues.  Keep it business.

It's also nice that she threw in that little bit about not having BPD.  Lupus is an interesting one as well, not to doubt her doctors or her diagnosis but it does make me wonder how much of that could be psychosomatic.  But that's neither here nor there.

Good luck!

[jhkbuzz]

3 questions for you please... .

1- She has yet to respond regarding the financial obligation.  Again, the email was 6 months ago.  All I want to know is if she has any intention of paying them.  :)o you think I should email her again with the same question as before? Or not?

2- Should I include any response to her physical or mental maladies of BPD/ADHD/Lupus?

3- Should I just not respond at all and just let it be?

I'm loving this NC thing and its proved to be a mental heath saver for me.  I suppose if you knew my story it would probably help, but it would take gigabytes to tell.  Suffice it to say, a classic BPD torture chamber Lies, deceit, theft, cheating, headbanging, ad infinitum.

I think I have an idea what ya'll might suggest, but would like to know your thoughts

Thanks so much!

Due to your response, I choose door number 3!



If she has any intention of paying it, she will - you've already reminded her.

If she has no intention of paying it, you can ask her until you're blue in the face and you won't get a penny.

    (This ^ sounds more likely due to her previous stellar behavior: deceit, theft, etc.)

Her explanation sounds somewhat manipulative ("How can you keep asking me for money when you know how sick I've been?"

If I were you, I'd cut my loses and hold onto my sanity.

[Recooperating]

I agree with the answers above. I also think that unsolved matters can count as an attachement to you in her eyes. As long as things are unresolved, she has an opening to either contact you when she feels like it... .

I did what billypillgrim suggested. He still owes me € 2000 he leant for some legal matter or what ever the hell he did with it (he told so many lies I really dont know). I really dont want it back. Its a small price to pay for my own sanity. It was a struggle since I last my job due to PTSS crap, but in the end I still think its money well spent! 

I dont know if its a high amount that needs to be paid, but I can recommend cutting your losses, block her mail, numbers, everything and be done with it. Move on. I dont hear you talking about kids so I am assuming you dont have kids together. So total NC is possible and you'll never ever have to be in contact again.

Good luck with your desicion! 

[Restored2]

I would choose door #1, using her email response to you as legal evidence that she did indeed receive your original email with question. 

My question would not provide an out option of "if" but rather "when" "will you pay the balance?"  She does not need any encouragement to not pay you her half of the bills that are court ordered.  I would let her know of the specific time lines involved, including that it has already been 6 months since your original email request with no follow-up by her and that you will be taking further legal action against her if need be.

I would avoid getting drawn into any debate on her physical and mental maladies, lest they be used as fuel against you to not pay you anything.  This is not the occasion to go there.  Sounds like she is using what she can as a distraction for sympathy in order to not pay you anything.

[Bumpsintheroad]

I think I should add a caveat at this point... .

I do not have her phone # (friends told me she changed it a few months ago) so I cannot text her or call her (which I absolutely would not do).  At this time all I have is her email.  If I take door #1 I will find out if her email is still active.  If it's been closed, then I know she plans on skating again and Im certainly not interested in chasing her down. 

If I do choose #1 I will take Restored2's idea of of asking WHEN she will pay it and exclude any IF. 

Thanks for the help so far.  I'm seeing many perspectives and appreciate them all.

[Restored2]

Bumpsintheroad: You're welcome.  Glad to be of help.  We all need sounding boards from time to time.  It's best if you can email her for the sake of legal evidence.  If you have her home address or work address then the other option is to send her communications with copies of bills via registered mail where it has to be signed for by her.  Where there's a will, there's a way!