Sometimes you have to laugh

[mother in law]

Sometimes you just have to laugh!  We pick gd aged 12 up from school every Thursday and take her to family dinner.  Mother (Bpd exdil) requests gd be home by 8 (fair enough is a school night). We always abide by this.

She on the other hand does not.  We often get texts that she is running late usually 15-30 minutes.  We say OK and wait with gd in the car till she gets there.

Last week gd needed something for school the next day. Exdil does not drive so we said OK we'll do it on the way home.  Texted ex dil that we would do this and  we would be 30 minutes late she said ok.

However in the weekend she went "off" at son (her ex) that gd had to be home by 8. It was a long rage and he was confused as he is not involved in these arrangements. 

We the gp were rather thunderstruck when told! ! We did laugh though as no thank you from ex dil ( no surprise at this), she frequently breaks her own 8pm rule and we don't. There is no logic to her argument! !

Interesting that she didn't contact us. Does she know we can shoot her down in flames? Should we send a gentle but firm text saying if she had questions about the arrangements please contact us?

[mother in law]

Sometimes you just have to laugh!  We pick gd aged 12 up from school every Thursday and take her to family dinner.  Mother (Bpd exdil) requests gd be home by 8 (fair enough is a school night). We always abide by this.

She on the other hand does not.  We often get texts that she is running late usually 15-30 minutes.  We say OK and wait with gd in the car till she gets there.

Last week gd needed something for school the next day. Exdil does not drive so we said OK we'll do it on the way home.  Texted ex dil that we would do this and  we would be 30 minutes late she said ok.

However in the weekend she went "off" at son (her ex) that gd had to be home by 8. It was a long rage and he was confused as he is not involved in these arrangements. 

We the gp were rather thunderstruck when told! ! We did laugh though as no thank you from ex dil ( no surprise at this), she frequently breaks her own 8pm rule and we don't. There is no logic to her argument! !

Interesting that she didn't contact us. Does she know we can shoot her down in flames? Should we send a gentle but firm text saying if she had questions about the arrangements please contact us?

The funny thing is when I said to gd in the car you need to be home 8, she just looked at me and said "I couldn't be bothered". When I said " what does that mean can't be bothered telling us?"  She said "no can't be bothered getting home by 8!" I said nothing! She was not involved in any of the conversations about the incidence.  Perhaps she is unwittingly setting her own boundaries.

[clljhns]

Hi mother in law,

Sorry to hear about the problems concerning exdil.

Interesting that she didn't contact us. Does she know we can shoot her down in flames? Should we send a gentle but firm text saying if she had questions about the arrangements please contact us?

Has dil ever talked about her concerns or anger over situations in the past with you? Or is this just a pattern with her in which she vents her frustrations to someone who is not involved? This is a common tactic that is all too familiar to me. My uBPDmom would also do the same thing. When she was angry with my oldest sister, she would call me to tell me. I learned to set boundaries around this issue by telling her to call my sister directly and to not involve me. This took many "training" sessions as my uBPDmom did not want to honor my boundary. It finally did happen, though. I would suggest that your son set the boundary with exdil and this would remove him from the triangle. I don't know that texting her would give you the result you are looking for. It might only result in more anger towards you and could possibly lead to changes in your contact with gd. Just my thoughts on the situation.

There are some great articles on this site concerning communicating and setting boundaries with a BPD. You can find the links here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0 and https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries.

Hope this helps.

Wishing you all the best!

[Panda39]

You're absolutely right, sometimes you just gotta laugh at how ridiculous it gets.

My SO's uBPDxw took D18 out east to get her set up at college and D14 went along too.  The day the ex and D14 were to return home we received an email that they missed their plane due to traffic.  This was a small city in New England on a Sunday... .really?... .I'm sure it was just like getting around in Manhattan on Monday morning just absolute gridlock.      My SO and I just laughed rolled our eyes and told her to email an updated itinerary.

[enlighten me]

It sounds like she is triangulating you and your son.

She has a bee in her bonnet about something and this has given her an excuse to blow up. It may be that as your son is moving on she is trying to draw him back In.

Most of the time these rages are nothing to do with what they bring up.

It is funny though. Their double standards are comical and they just cant see it.

[polly87]

Yes sometimes it is just ridiculous.

My MIL calls my partner and BIL when they are watching a dvd at BIL's place to make sure that the men (who are both around 30) go to sleep when she wants them to. Yet, when my partner and I are at my inlaws', my MIL will not let us leave even though we mention that we have to get up really early next morning.

Funny how they cannot see their own double standards... .