Sister faking illness - how to cope?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone,

I have come to this forum seeking some aid, because I am pretty much at my wits end with regards to my younger sister who has been diagnosed with BPD ten years ago. Since she was diagnosed, her situation has deteriorated rapidly. After having been in and out of psychiatric wards for the past ten years, she is now receiving disability benefits and is now living in a home for people with mental illnesses. I would say that I am pretty much the only source of stability in her life, and I provide care for her as much as I can without it damaging myself and my family. I do love her, but have long ago accepted that we will never have any kind of mature reciprocal relationship.

My problem is that over the past few years she has become truly obsessed with physical illnesses. She claims to have a new illness or new symptoms of illnesses every week (literally) and spends most of her life seeking out doctors, getting tests, and visiting the ER. Ask about her symptoms, and the reply you will get will be straight out of a medical textbook, and I absolutely do believe that she is faking the vast majority of her alleged illnesses. It has to be said that she is very, very intelligent and very, very manipulative.

She is grossly overweight, chain-smoking and living on a diet of fat and sugar, but even the slightest hint at that maybe this could have something to do with her feeling unwell is instantly dismissed and met with much anger as is any question of whether her suffering may be of psychological origin. I have tried to handle this in so many ways - with understanding, sympathy, kindness and much help - yet she just seems to get worse and worse, and I have come to the point where - much to my regret - the mere sight of her can annoy me. Yesterday, it all culminated for me when she told me that she would not see a physical therapist I had helped her find and pay for simply due to that he had told her her knee pain stemmed from her being 120 lbs+ over-weight - which is true! I just couldn't take anymore.

Do any of you have similar problems with your relatives and how  do you cope? Any help would be much appreciated - thanks!

[MarieK]

Hi everyone,

I have come to this forum seeking some aid, because I am pretty much at my wits end with regards to my younger sister who has been diagnosed with BPD ten years ago. Since she was diagnosed, her situation has deteriorated rapidly. After having been in and out of psychiatric wards for the past ten years, she is now receiving disability benefits and is now living in a home for people with mental illnesses. I would say that I am pretty much the only source of stability in her life, and I provide care for her as much as I can without it damaging myself and my family. I do love her, but have long ago accepted that we will never have any kind of mature reciprocal relationship.

My problem is that over the past few years she has become truly obsessed with physical illnesses. She claims to have a new illness or new symptoms of illnesses every week (literally) and spends most of her life seeking out doctors, getting tests, and visiting the ER. Ask about her symptoms, and the reply you will get will be straight out of a medical textbook, and I absolutely do believe that she is faking the vast majority of her alleged illnesses. It has to be said that she is very, very intelligent and very, very manipulative.

She is grossly overweight, chain-smoking and living on a diet of fat and sugar, but even the slightest hint at that maybe this could have something to do with her feeling unwell is instantly dismissed and met with much anger as is any question of whether her suffering may be of psychological origin. I have tried to handle this in so many ways - with understanding, sympathy, kindness and much help - yet she just seems to get worse and worse, and I have come to the point where - much to my regret - the mere sight of her can annoy me. Yesterday, it all culminated for me when she told me that she would not see a physical therapist I had helped her find and pay for simply due to that he had told her her knee pain stemmed from her being 120 lbs+ over-weight - which is true! I just couldn't take anymore.

Do any of you have similar problems with your relatives and how  do you cope? Any help would be much appreciated - thanks!

[Kwamina]

Hi MarieK

Welcome to bpdfamily  Dealing with a sibling with BPD can often be quite challenging as your story also clearly illustrates. Your sister is now living in a home for people with mental illnesses. Do you know if she's getting targeted treatment there for her BPD?

When did her obsessions with physical illnesses start? As far a you're aware of, do you know if something perhaps happened in your sister's life a few years ago that might have triggered this obsession?

You say she's very intelligent and manipulative. In what respect would you call her manipulative, other then her suspected faking of illnesses?

The members on this message board all have BPD family-members too, many of them being BPD siblings so I think you'll find that people will be able to relate to your story here. I myself for instance have an undiagnosed BPD sister. Take care and I hope to read more of your story later

[MarieK]

Thank you very much for your kind words, Kwamina. 

With regards to when her obsession with illnesses began, it is my belief that it coincided with when her physical appearance really began deteriorating. When she was younger, she was very attractive and very seductive - she lived on men desiring her sexually and on the attention she got for her looks. It is my gut feeling that her obsession with illness began when she experienced that men didn't find her attractive anymore due to her becoming so over-weight and battered to look at. It's as if it is some kind of substitute for the attention she used to get.

She does not get any targeted treatment for her BPD at the moment, no, but over the years she has been in and out of more programs that I can count, but she always bails - deep down I don't think she accepts her diagnosis and thinks she being treated unfairly. She lies through her teeth to everyone about everything - even little things that I have no idea why she would even lie about. Emotional blackmailing is her main thing... .I can't count the suicide threats over the years which always coincide with something important in my life needing my attention. When my daughter was seriously injured in a car crash and hospitalised a couple of years ago, her only reaction was to call me and say, "But what about ME? Why is SHE getting all the attention!" She was in her early thirties as the time... .

Sometimes I honestly wonder why I keep on.

[clljhns]

Hi MarieK,

I also have a sibling that has been "dying" for more than 12 years. While I don't have contact with her at this point, I can tell you that I did a lot of what you are doing. Listening, empathizing, cajoling. I even went to doctors appointments with her to give her support. She has never been diagnosed BPD, and doesn't follow through with therapy as she feels that they don't know what they are talking about and should listen to her tell them how to treat mental illness.

I think the best thing you can do is distance yourself emotionally from what your sister is doing. It sounds as if you have used many of the techniques described in S E T, and this didn't give you the outcome you were needing: insight on the part of your sister. Is there a need on your part for your sister to recognize that she has fabricated these illnesses? I know for me, on some level, I was really hoping that my sister would stop the litany of diseases she was dying from and start to find something to live for!

Do you feel that you can pull back from sister and still feel that you are supporting her at the same time? Do you have some ideas on how to distance yourself emotionally, and yet still provide support in other ways?

Wishing you all the best. 

[Linda Maria]

Hi MarieK!  Sorry to hear what you're having to go through.  I think a lot of people will identify with your story - I have a uBPDsis - and while she doesn't have the health issues your sis has, she has been faking so many things for so many years.  Following my Mum's death 2 years ago she really turned nasty and now I am NC.  But for the last 20 years there has been nothing but drama, in her workplace, with her neighbours, with relationships, with utility companies - always she is the victim, always they are all doing these terrible things to her - and none of it makes any sense.  If you offer solutions or help then she changes the subject, because you are not giving her the attention any more.  She is also very much a hypochondriac - she had a skiing accident many years ago - not serious - but from then on, she apparently had sight problems, lost her sense of smell, lost her sense of taste (funnily enough she used to forget this sometimes  when it suited her), it just went on and on. All I can say is, that being NC is the best thing I could have done - I was like you - before she really turned on me 2 years ago, I had spent years being supportive, walking on eggshells , listening to the stories, and genuinely feeling sorry for her sometimes, often putting myself out to help her.  It never made a jot of difference, I never really got any thanks, and it's only now I can see it was just one huge bid for attention, even when, like you, I often had difficult situations of my own to deal with - but any troubles I had were always dismissed.  So I feel for you, and I can only recommend based on my own experience that you limit contact, and distract yourself with other things, because otherwise you just get used up, all your energy and positivity gets sucked out of you until there's nothing left, and it doesn't matter how much you sacrifice for them, it's never enough.  Hang in there - you sound like a lovely person, time to put yourself first and stop letting her take up too much headspace.  Best wishes.

[MarieK]

Thank you for your very kind messages - it really means a lot, since this is a situation which many people seem to find difficult to understand and relate to.

On some level, I DO know that it would probably be best for me to disentangle myself emotionally from her and be less involved in her life - my husbond shakes his head at why I keep bothering, saying that she obviously does not want to be helped. And on some level, I know that he's right. On one hand, I am genuinely worried for her - the only "friends" she has left are addicts or people who are just as ill as she is and all of her relationships basically consist of drama and abuse. I feel that I am the only one who genuinely cares for her, and, on some level, I think she feels the same. Our parents are dead - there is nobody else left. On the other hand, I have to admit that I am definitely a "fixer" who has difficulties admitting to myself that I can't "fix" her.

Is there a need on your part for your sister to recognize that she has fabricated these illnesses? I know for me, on some level, I was really hoping that my sister would stop the litany of diseases she was dying from and start to find something to live for!

I have been thinking a lot about this, and yes, I think that I do have that need - although I know on a rational level that it will never be fulfilled. It maddens me to see her obsess about make-believe illnesses when the health problems that make up very real risks that she SHOULD worry about - cardiac arrest, lung cancer, etc - due to her lifestyle are just ignored. But again... .I know that I can't fix her - and shouldn't either. It's just hard, you know.

[clljhns]

Hi MarieK,

I have to admit that I am definitely a "fixer" who has difficulties admitting to myself that I can't "fix" her.

Knowing this about yourself is the first step to taking action! Many of us here are enablers through co-dependency. Have you read the articles on co-dependency? I am including the link here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0  I would also suggest checking out the Glossary tab at the top of the page and reading through the selections to see what stands out to you.

After you read the article, let us know what resonated with you.

Wishing you all the best.