What to do now... Here we go, again and again

[unsuremomma]

Hi everyone... .This first post is a long one...


Guess i'll get right into it.  Not sure what to do.

I have a 15 year old daughter who for over a year (3-5 years, maybe longer) has shown signs of BPD, every single one.  :)ue to the suicidal ideations and attempts, self harming as well (but not the reason for hospitalization) she has been in multiple mental health facilities.  Some acute, some sub-acute and a couple residential.  The last residential being about nine months, followed by a week stint about two weeks later.  Since that last short stay, as of last night, she is once again in acute

This cycle has gone on since she was 11.  She's been to about 12 or more facilities. I want this to stop, but when she says that dreaded "S" word, I jump.  I have to.  The attempt was way too close.  I am scared of finding her or someone else that I love (or anyone) dead by her hand.

When she is home, it is good for awhile.  Until, she starts getting online.  The drama starts, new boyfriends almost daily, fights with friends, the blocking me from fb, etc.  She isolates, assumes the worst, only wants to talk to me when she wants something.  I've been there her whole life, but no matter what, i'm scum to her.

It seems that the older she gets, she gets worse.  In the past three months, she has started sneaking out.  I've caught her smoking in her room, lies about everything even when the proof is right there.  Has cut a few times (superficial of course, was a bit worse a year or so ago), refuses to use any of her coping skills, etc.  Also, she needed a pregnancy test a few weeks ago.

I've had it.  I understand normal teenage angst, heck I was one... However, she is a normal teenager x's 10.  I feel like a battering ram.  Along with everything else, Sexual Abuse by an ex boyfriend of mine came out a few years ago and his trial is next week.  Since she waited so long to tell me, there is no evidence.  So it is her word against his.  Also, she had accused someone of touching her and those charges were since dropped.  That one was highly doubtful because she had accused me of beating her and her brother at the same time. Plus there was no way it has happened, all charges were dropped.  She was never alone with him and well... .I don't hit my kids.  The accusations had came to a shock to me.  They were because she was mad at me due to the fact that I wasn't going to lie and add a "friend" of hers to her contact list at the facility she was at.  Cops and DHS had came over several times, almost to the point of harrassment and even saw my son at school several times.

With that being said... . I am totally at my wits end.  I love her and I want her home, but I cannot parent her.  I cannot set those important boundries, because those are the "buttons".  So, within reason, I let her run all over me.  I can tell her no, she can't do something, and might be other.  Usually she just isolates herself and bashes me in Instagram and Facebook, but if I took about the electronics (as I should)  She will become suicidal or say that she is and I won't take that chance.  I can't.

The tension is horrible here.  Walking on eggshells constantly when she is home.  Last night, I hate to admit, when I received her text message that she was suicidal, I did a happy dance.  Not because she was, but for the fact that at least for a week, I could sleep, I could breathe.  I feel horrible now.  I do want her home, but the downward spiral is horrible, getting worse.

We moved back to an area that she once loved only for that fact.  Her brother and I sacrificed our lives for what she wanted after we had built ours there.  In the past two years that we have been back, She might have been home six, not concurrently.  She couldn't handle regular high school, went to a special program with an awesome teacher and an awesome therapist at the high school after, and now a therapeutic day treatment program that she can't seem to hack either or at least not entirely.  

She has been on so many meds and as of late, she mostly refuses to take any, or cheeks them, or will purge them.  Fights the night ones so that she won't sleep, etc.  I can't get her to do anything.  I've literally cleaned out her room bare a few times, taken off her door knob and even her door before... . I'm afraid to now.  Everything escalates quickly.

She cusses like a sailor, has no consideration for any one, and I know that i've taught her so much better than that.

I put her on a probation program to help safeguard me, it gives me the only power. Curfew, has to stay home, etc.  Since she has been on it so long, shes due to come off.  If I lose that, I have nothing left.

I want her to be happy and to live and be successful in life, to not be the victim, but a survivor.  I want her to know that I am here for her and I do understand what she is going though.  The same happened to me, but I no longer let what happened rule me. From that, ptsd.

Hope, is what I am hanging onto, but it is going away.  I don't want to give up on her but there is nothing I can do for her here.  I don't have the strength and energy.  I also have a non-bp child at home and a career that puts food on the table and a roof over our heads.  

She's never met her father, I left when I was three months along because he was abusive and turns out he was smoking crack.  I refused to live that way and a few years ago, shes spoken to him via phone and letters.  He has been in and out of prison since before she was born.  Some of her issues stem from that as well.  

Now, we will have her get her on birth control, that is something that i've been hoping i'd not have to do.  I can see her thinking that that is my permission. She drinks when she gets a chance, smokes pot when not on probation, smokes cigarettes the few times that I let her go out with friends.  She is only 15.  Peer pressure is nothing to her.  She will say yes to almost anything.  That scares me.  Very impulsive.  Sneaking out doing whatever. etc.  I cannot control her at home.  Also, she has admitted to shoplifting before.  

I want this roller coaster to stop.  Part of me wants to send her back to residential but I want her here as well.  I've done everything I can to keep her out of juvie, but is that what she needs?  I've heard so many horror stories and I don't want her ending up like her father.  Prison most of his adult life.

I feel my strength fading.  I'm not suicidal or anything, just so tired, hurt, fed up, anxious.  Almost to the point that I might join her so to speak.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Restored2]

Hi unsuremomma.  What you are experiencing is extremely difficult.  Your holding up in the midst of this for as long as you have speaks volumes.  Your daughter obviously needs intensive and progressive therapy.  I hear how you are trying to hold the ship together, but what are you doing to take of yourself?   

[nzmum]

  welcome to (in my opinion) the best support group you'll ever find!     I am sure that you will have many replies very soon from people who KNOW what you are going through and have much to share with you.

 

Hope, is what I am hanging onto, but it is going away.  I don't want to give up on her but there is nothing I can do for her here.  I don't have the strength and energy. I feel my strength fading.  I'm not suicidal or anything, just so tired, hurt, fed up, anxious.  Almost to the point that I might join her so to speak.

Are you taking good care of yourself? I ask because that is where my strength always returns from (if that makes sense). We lurch from one crisis/engagement to another until I feel I have nothing left to give but I have learned (from the amazing people here - thank you ALL  ) to take better care of MY NEEDS. So, when I feel I'm heading towards empty now I pick myself up and do something JUST for me - sometimes just a walk with the dog works; or a glass or two with DH; even a good movie (on my own with loads of chocolate). I am then able to return ready for the next challenge always in the hope that it is a positive one! 

Never give up hope.

 nzmum

[lbjnltx]

Hi unsuremomma,

I am glad that you joined this group and are telling your story.  I have been where you are when my daughter was 12.  Completely out of control behaviors drove me to the brink of an anxiety disorder.  Unlike your story, my daughter, at that point had only had out patient therapy and one inpatient hospital stay. She did go to an awesome RTC for 10 months (and then another 6 weeks "tuneup" and has been doing pretty well.  She is now 18, living independant from me and getting ready to enroll for courses at the local community college. She still struggles in some ways and no longer meets the criteria for BPD or ODD.

I understand the fear, frustration, anxiety, frustration, fear cycle you are going through.  It would wear anyone to a frazzle!  I can see from reading your story that there is a lot of fear based decision making going on.  This is sometimes all we know to do and is usually unhelpful to all involved.  There are 3 years left for you to:  endure until she is an adult 2. provide her every opportunity to help herself.

Your feelings of elation when you believed your daughter was going to be in hospital due to suicidal ideation are a strong signal that she needs to be inpatient long term and you need a long break with the opportunity to rebuild your relationship with her.  I encourage you to look for another RTC that will help you both.  Is this an option?

We will be here to support you and help you learn skills and self care regardless of where your journey takes you.

This would be good information to review to help you end the cycle of fear based decision making:

Fear, Obligation and Guilt: Emotional Blackmail

lbj

[unsuremomma]

This has been my weekend of guilt.  I've been keeping myself isolated from everyone due to the possibility of me lashing out.  I'm not BPD, just in the FOG.  Guess you could say that this is one of my coping skills... .   I wouldn't even go see her at visitation this weekend.  I feel guilty about that, since at the moment she thought that we were fine and she still doesn't know that I know of the stuff that she has been doing.  Honestly, my heart is broke.  I feel that I already lost her.  I also feel that there has to of been something that I could have done to prevent this, to prevent all of it.  I know this isn't the case but still.  She was only admitted last Thursday and i'll see her tomorrow.  Still, she made me feel guilty with the phone calls.  The last one which as this morning, she hung up on me when I didn't give her an exact answer about residential.  It is because I don't know.  I do know her better than anyone and if the court case is dismissed, she will do whatever she can to find the accused.  Plus she will definitely not be in a stable frame of mind at all.

I want her home, but I know that I need to give up on that.  She isn't safe and no telling what next week will bring if she is home.

RTC is an option,  I just don't know if it is the best one.  I just don't know any more.  She has been a few already and the results are well... .  Not good.  None though, have been for BPD and she never has went through trauma therapy.  I think I found one that isn't too far away that specialized in BPD, PTSD and other mood disorders plus depressions, the cutting and everything.  She hasn't been to this one yet and the more I find about it the better.

There is only one reason that I have hope.  One of my best friends has BPD.  He is around 40 and well, if my daughter ends up like her, I will be very happy.  He has been my biggest support.  He's told me of all the things that he's done and well, seeing him now.  I have hope.  When it gets so bad, I call, or talk to him some way shape or form just to vent or find advice, etc.  I threatened to steal him before, but his boyfriend is awesome.  He's told me how he had to hit rock bottom before the "switch" flipped.  He still has struggles but can function.

I do have hobbies, but as of late, I just don't have the motivation.  Plus the weather has been bad and when I do feel like it and it is decent, something comes up, like my daughter.  My hobby is actually more than that, more of a life changer.   It is supposed to get me outside with nature with my hawk.  Also, it was something that my whole family was supposed to take part in.  That is yet to happen.  She keeps getting admitted before she can take the test, etc.

Other than that, i've been well, not doing much.  Just surfing the net, "detoxing" from the situation, watching Warehouse 13 or whatever and not much else.  I don't want to go anywhere or doing anything else.  I'll be better in a day or so.  It is what I call the "limbo" phase.  The phase between admission, family session and treatment team.  Been through this so much.  The whole not sure what is going to happen or what is best for her.

[lbjnltx]

Hi unsuremomma,

I'm glad you came back and posted again. 

It sounds like from your posts that your daughter is a highly at risk youth in need of intense inpatient treatment.

Can you have someone help you find a path forward from where you are now?  It does take a great deal of forethought and research to be confident in making RTC choices that will be affective.  Does she have a treatment team that can consult?

She is still so very young and now is the time that you have the power to make it choices that can lead to recovery.  I know there have been a lot of disappoinments... .please don't give up.

When they want us to give up on them is when we must find the strength to take positive action.



lbj

[unsuremomma]

Today escalated quite quickly... .

The phone call this morning ended in her hanging up on me due to her asking if I have decided on RTC or not.  At that time, I wasn't honestly sure.

A later phone call from the nurse swayed me.  My daughter had threatened to kill me after she hung up.  That was a first, at least in anger.

Her night time phone call wasn't much better, it was worse.  She did apologize for earlier, but her tone, I could tell she was still angry.  She asked me why I would send her.  So, I told her.  I told her that I cannot trust her due to her behavior/actions.  That I was worried about her and just want her safe.  Of course, that enraged her.  Once again, she wants me to sign off on her, ship her to her sister (her father's daughter from before we were married) or anyone else, that she never wants to come back home or put up for adoption.  I didn't get angry or show any emotion.  This isn't the first time i've heard this from her either.  Before she hung up on me, I asked her if she wanted me to make her a ward of the state so she'd just go to a state mental hospital, and I told her that I refused.  She's my daughter and i've always been there for her and I refuse to stop.  She told me maybe I better and then hung up...

Tomorrow is FT... .  I want to cancel.  It isn't going to do a bit of good.  She will walk out as usual, angry.  I know this from previous experience.  I'll at least see her therapist.  She's seen her there before.  Maybe between her TDT therapist and her, we can come up with a good RTC option that isn't five hours away this time.  The last one was, and I was only able to see her every couple of months due to financial reasons. 

She hates me, i'm her target.  Her long time incarcerated father  and drug addict sister can do no wrong.   Yet, I still have hope.  It isn't much, but I have it.

[lbjnltx]

So sorry for the hurtful words unsuremomma. 

Sometimes our kids behaviors and words tell us quite clearly what needs to be done.  In some ways it makes it easier on us to make those difficult decisions for their own good.

When my daughter was in acute care for a week the treatment team couldn't get a handle on what was going on with her... .until we had family therapy.  She turned on us when we told her she would not be getting her iphone back... she threatened to kill me right in front of the therapist.  It was an eye opener for the therapist and nothing new to me.

Let us know how the meeting goes with the therapists and how you are doing.

lbj

[unsuremomma]

That is what usually happens at FT, they have no clue, until I get there.  Then they see her true colors.  Tomorrow i'm expecting the same.  If she comes home, now we will have to deal with the homicidal ideations as well... .Yeah, no...

Weighing where for her to go.  AR doesn't have a lot, especially decent ones that are close.  BPD for adolescents is slim to none.  I want to be able to see her more than last time, but then again... . 

I'll let everyone know what happens.  Hoping I can sleep tonight.  I've been on the pre-crying stage all weekend.  Hoping at work tomorrow I can shake it off at least...

[unsuremomma]

Today's FT session was the worst ever.  My BPD daughter finally showed herself. She also stated that she wanted to jump me, cussed me out most of the time. wants me to sign off, etc.  I told her therapist that I don't want her home and the more my daughter escalated, she saw why.  I told her that this is what has been happening for quite awhile.

I am calling her probation officer tomorrow and I think I found a possible RTC/Ranch.  I can't keep doing this.  Even if I wanted to sign off, i'd get in trouble for abandonment.  Not that I want to, but clearly she has it out for me.  Her coming home will not help.  I see that.  My brain is fried.  I can't think, couldn't sleep last night due to dreading today.  I know her, I knew how it could be.  At least she is safe.

She also stated that she wants to drop out of HS as soon as she can and doesn't want a future.  She wants to be a stay at home mom like her sister and not even try.  That is fine and dandy, if she was an adult, in love and in a stable relationship.  That is fine, but a teenager?  She is setting her self up to be nothing but co-dependent.  I'm not.  I want her to have the ability to support herself when the time is right and not have to depend on anyone else. 

I am so tired, feel sick.  I can't relax.  I don't have anxiety attacks, but goodness.  I'm starting to wonder.  She already thinks i'm crazy, which yeah well... She is driving me that way.  Is BPD contagious?  I know I know it isn't, but makes me wonder sometimes. 

[lbjnltx]

 

Well... .contagious no... .hereditary... .yes.

Rest tonight... .knowing she is safe.  That is #1

Thoroughly investigate any RTC you are considering... .call them and get a past and current list of parents who have had children in the program.  Visit the facility and have a meeting with the heads of departments... .talk to the girls there (I wouldn't recommend a coed facility) and get a feel for the place overall...

My daughter went to Falcon Ridge for 10 months... .it was a wonderful experience for all of us overall.  She is 18 now and getting ready to start her first college courses, living independently from me and is doing well.

lbj

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[unsuremomma]

Hereditary... Father's side, I can see that.  Hence the prison, drug use, self harm and his horrible mood swings.

Falcon Ridge is in UT?  That is quite a cruise from AR.  Not sure how often i'd be able to see her.  Heard a lot of great things about it though and a few others, all in UT... :/

Coed always causes trouble.  More drama and she worries more about the guys than she does treatment.  She always tells on herself...

Oi, what a day.  I'm fine, just tired.

[lbjnltx]

Yes, Utah.

Family weekends are every few months... .then there are special trips up for off campus visits, home visits, and then... .her graduation.

I think in the 10 months she was there we went 5 times not including taking her there for admission.  I had to fly as I am in Texas.

This is probably pretty typical of adolescent programs.

You can read about our journey by clicking on the link at the bottom of my posts "keep believing in miracles".

lbj

[unsuremomma]

We will be keeping her as close as possible, that way I can come see her as much as needed.  Out biggest thing is our relationship and also, finding a place that has a certified trauma therapist.  Through all of her stays, she has yet to have trauma therapy.

So far, a ranch style is what I am being more drawn to

She did call last night, but I refused the call.  I could not take any more abuse.  She did call my boyfriend, apologized with one of her "sounds like scripted" apologies and hung up.  No calls from her today.