Help me please

[Help b]

I don't know where to start.

Something is very wrong in my relationship.

I don't know up from down. Left from right.

I may be the one with BPD we both may have it.

When things are great they're great. Then there's a trigger. Something I do seems to set her off. Then it's on. Everythibg I do is a deliberate act to hurt. To manipulate. Words are take. Out of context. Actions too. I get called all names under the sun. If I don't respond I'm not listening or not supportive. If I do respond it's normally poorly and things get worse. This has been going on for years. Lately it's been getting worse.

Everything is my fault because I triggered the event then didn't support. I feel like I've had her entire emotional responsibility placed in my hands and I'm failing badly.

This could well be me. I've recenty been working with a psychologist to get through my personal issues and my mind is not a good place.

I'm just so confused. I don't know what to do

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sweetheart]

 

Hello help b,

You've definitely come to the right place to get some help making sense of what is going on in your relationship. There are lots of members here including myself that can offer you support and advice.

It's great, really positive that you are involved with a psychologist and are looking at what is also going on for you. Sometimes being in a relationship with someone who has BPD or, BPD traits can be very confusing and it is not unusual to feel overwhelmed in the way that you describe. Your psychologist will help you sort through what belongs where and to who.

Is your SO involved with a T or any kind of treatment program at the moment ?

How long have you been together?

Start having a read of the lessons, take your time and make sure you keep posting.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913187#msg913187

[formflier]

 

Help B,



You are in the right place.

We will help you learn how to work on your side of the relationship (r/s) and how that will affect your entire r/s in a positive way.

Tell me about your support system.  Sounds like you just started seeing a psychologist. 

[Help b]

Sweetheart and formflier

I've been Invoved in this relationship for 2-1/2 years. Its only been the last month that my therapist has pointed out she may have BPD. I've been running blind all this time not knowing what's been going on and making things considerably worse.

We're pretty much broke. I can't afford to keep seeing my therapist. She was due to go next but all that seems on hold. She knows something isn't quite right but there's no acknowledgement of BPD or anything. I'm not sure she's willing to accept what people seem to have been telling her for years.

I don't have a support system. I've pretty much alienated or been alienated from a majority of my friends and family. This is all I have right now.

She has 2 children both girls. And this is where it gets just messy

The oldest left about a month ago to stay with her dad full time. The youngest only just walked out a day ago to stay God knows where and with who.

These are terrible times right now

I have been blamed not not being able to provide a safe environment for them.

[malibu4x]

Help B

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through.  It sounds like you are a strong person having dealt with this for the last few years. 

You can learn a ton and get a lot of support here on the boards.

I have been with my W for 15 years - married now for 10.  It is only in the last few years that I have come to the realization that she might have BPD as well.   It definitely helped me make sense of things, and in some ways it has made it easier as I have practiced better communication techniques that I've learned here.   I would encourage you to check out the lessons.  Look for the DEARMAN technique as somewhere to start.   Good luck!

[Help b]

Thanks for a place to start everyone. It's hard for me as I basically have to stealth read these forums and gather bits and pieces where I can so I don't antagonize Her further. I'll update as I can.

[waverider]

Sorry to hear that you are having to walk on eggshells

As you work though the information you find on this site and it starts to sink in hopefully this can be alleviated

I basically have to stealth read these forums and gather bits and pieces where I can so I don't antagonize Her further. I'll update as I can.

Most here, and in fact it is recommended, read these forums by stealth. This is your stuff and you don't want to be pressured about it. However there are ways to stop making things worse, but this is not by the means you probably employ. We want to empower you to do this not make you feel insecure and be afraid.

You have a right to follow your choices.

She has a right to follow her choices.

If, and when these paths clash, you still have the right to choose what you do, even though you may not feel it. To stay and be successful in a relationship you have to come to a stage where you choose to do it, rather than do it by default out of fear.

Your perception of healthy benchmarks has probably been skewed, especially as a result of isolation.  We hope to help you get these back to a healthier place so that you can make better decisions for you.

It is a long hard road, best taken one small step at a time.

Hang in there

Waverider

[formflier]

Thanks for a place to start everyone. It's hard for me as I basically have to stealth read these forums and gather bits and pieces where I can so I don't antagonize Her further. I'll update as I can.

Help B,

Stealth is definitely the best policy.

I recommend using Chrome browser.

Use Ctrl Shift N  that will get you to "incognito" mode.

No worries about anything showing up in history.


OK... .so... .looks like going to a T might not be financially possible for a bit here.  What can you do to work on that... .for you.  This is kinda like in an airplane when they tell you to put your mask on first... and then help others.  We want to help you put your mask on first!

Please plan on reading and re reading the lessons... .I still do.  Seems like each time I pull out a new nugget of information or a perspective I haven't seen before.

What issue would you like us to help you work through first?  Remember... .just like Waverider said... .one step at a time.

Can you tell us what happened... .how you responded when you got blamed for not providing a good place?

[waverider]

Please plan on reading and re reading the lessons... .I still do.  Seems like each time I pull out a new nugget of information or a perspective I haven't seen before.

This is good advice for everyone, there is so much stuff here that more and more of it sinks in when you revisit it at different stages. I am with Formflier here we never stop learning, or rather consolidating.