Things have changed so much

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

 It's been a while since I posted on here and much has changed... .

I no longer reside with my ex partner, as of last October. I left for a night after an eventful day of paranoia and abuse, triggered by my independant act of meeting a friend for lunch and haven't gone back, except with a police escort to collect my clothes. After 23 years of control, ridicule, insults, abuse and general crazy behaviour, I finally feel free.

I am sleeping on a relatives sofa, getting by on a day to day basis and have a car that is currently my shoe store... .But I have a personal freedom that is nectar. No more questions, life on a knife edge, paranoid control, degrading accusations or question marks over my future. It's mine to do as I wish with, without fear. Nobody holds my strings. I am free to be me for the first time in my adult life. I can see the road ahead of me and although it's long, so are my legs. Fear no longer restricts me.

This site was instrumental in my leaving in so many ways. I finally learned that I am not mental... .Mostly 

It also introduced me to a very special man, completely by accident and I found a true friend that became my lover. After all of those years in the wilderness, where I was treated like scum for imagined affairs, I actually fell into an emotional affair. I do not feel guilty or wrong. I should, but don't. It doesn't feel like an affair. It feels like love. Two people who have fought and lost the battle to deny ourselves our hearts desires.

We began by trying to help each other with our respective partners. I genuinely wanted him to be happy and to reach his goal of a settled and peaceful marriage, free of the sh1t that I too was living with. It's ironic that we suffered the same curse for decades, repeatedly taking the punches and insecurities, looking inward for the answers and desperate to avoid being who they said we were, twisting our natural selves like contortionists to please them... .

Neither of us could ever have envisaged having an affair. Neither of us were wired for it. The very thought would have crippled us both with guilt. But we have. We couldn't not, it was so strong. This thing that we have found together, here, overrode our senses, made us see our partners for who they were and more importantly, taught us both that we are loveable and decent human beings with a huge capacity to love and give in equal measure.

Something very beautiful has come out of our ugly pasts. Perhaps they made us a match for each other, maybe we were always meant to be together. Either way, I am truly happy and feel blessed to have this man in my life. I have little more than the clothes I stand in, but feel rich, fortunate and grateful for the way things have turned out.

Thank you BPDF for gicing me more than I could have ever hoped for. Cinderella would be jealous.

[thicker skin]

 It's been a while since I posted on here and much has changed... .

I no longer reside with my ex partner, as of last October. I left for a night after an eventful day of paranoia and abuse, triggered by my independant act of meeting a friend for lunch and haven't gone back, except with a police escort to collect my clothes. After 23 years of control, ridicule, insults, abuse and general crazy behaviour, I finally feel free.

I am sleeping on a relatives sofa, getting by on a day to day basis and have a car that is currently my shoe store... .But I have a personal freedom that is nectar. No more questions, life on a knife edge, paranoid control, degrading accusations or question marks over my future. It's mine to do as I wish with, without fear. Nobody holds my strings. I am free to be me for the first time in my adult life. I can see the road ahead of me and although it's long, so are my legs. Fear no longer restricts me.

This site was instrumental in my leaving in so many ways. I finally learned that I am not mental... .Mostly 

It also introduced me to a very special man, completely by accident and I found a true friend that became my lover. After all of those years in the wilderness, where I was treated like scum for imagined affairs, I actually fell into an emotional affair. I do not feel guilty or wrong. I should, but don't. It doesn't feel like an affair. It feels like love. Two people who have fought and lost the battle to deny ourselves our hearts desires.

We began by trying to help each other with our respective partners. I genuinely wanted him to be happy and to reach his goal of a settled and peaceful marriage, free of the sh1t that I too was living with. It's ironic that we suffered the same curse for decades, repeatedly taking the punches and insecurities, looking inward for the answers and desperate to avoid being who they said we were, twisting our natural selves like contortionists to please them... .

Neither of us could ever have envisaged having an affair. Neither of us were wired for it. The very thought would have crippled us both with guilt. But we have. We couldn't not, it was so strong. This thing that we have found together, here, overrode our senses, made us see our partners for who they were and more importantly, taught us both that we are loveable and decent human beings with a huge capacity to love and give in equal measure.

Something very beautiful has come out of our ugly pasts. Perhaps they made us a match for each other, maybe we were always meant to be together. Either way, I am truly happy and feel blessed to have this man in my life. I have little more than the clothes I stand in, but feel rich, fortunate and grateful for the way things have turned out.

Thank you BPDF for gicing me more than I could have ever hoped for. Cinderella would be jealous.

[JohnLove]

Hello thicker skin, I am participating in another thread on emotional affairs. I read your update with interest and then alarm... .and then I thought of my own situation.

Maybe you have known this man for a while and have a deep understanding of each other but I kept feeling red flags that may not actually exist. 

My own situation involves a 20 year "relationship" with an uBPDex. I didn't know at the time but had to get out for my own safety and sanity.

That led me to another relationship with my dBPDgf. This relationship felt "right" and gave me many things that I needed, validation, and the confirmation that my ex despite being undiagnosed was terribly disordered... .this led me also to believe my crazy isn't that bad. 

After a length of time measured in years my r/s is now fraught with difficulty and challenges, but there is love and there is hope... .

... .but why is there no Cinderella story for men?   

[thicker skin]

Hello John,

I think I can say that I didn't understand my own limits or boundaries when it came to other people in general... .I now ask ":)oes that work for me?" And if it doesn't, I can choose to gracefully back away. I don't make allowances or excuses, I know what I don't want, regardless.

I certainly found validation, which was comforting and gave me strength, but I've also had friends give me that and remained stuck thinking that I could mend my situation. The truth was, my ex was who he was and nothing that I could say or do could make him better. Accepting that was hard. Staying was harder.

I am very aware of the red flags, have done my own personal work and understand why I tolerated such appalling behaviour for decades. I've grown a backbone and a voice during my learning curve. I've taken time, basically, to ensure that I spot any potential flaws that wouldn't be acceptable to me. I don't care how sweet, attentive or handsome my new man is... .If he had shown any signs of arrogance, paranoia, selfishness, violence or negativity towards others (without good cause), I would not have spared him another moment. I'd rather be alone.

Meeting anonymously, without agenda and listening to his experiences/reactions over a protracted period of time, told me who he was. Knowing him during his darkest times, rather than from a 'pretty picture' dating site, gave me real insight into the man he was. We did not mean for this to happen... .But I am very glad it did. It's soul destroying, being with someone who is constantly dissatisfied with you, ever fault finding and unable to have a relationship because of YOU! There comes a point when all of those years of being punished for crimes that you haven't committed suddenly add up and the worm turns.

My man had to come through a hefty series of filters before I'd allow him to be in a position where he could damage, control or manipulate me. Knowing what I didn't want lead me to what I did want, I just didn't know it. It's my life. I only allow in what I'm comfortable with and I'm under no illusions.

Of course, being here and learning the traits and characters of potential undesirables was invaluable... .Take it steady, look out for you, know what you don't want and be your true self. At the very least, you'll make some sound friends.

[rj47]

\

After a length of time measured in years my r/s is now fraught with difficulty and challenges, but there is love and there is hope... .

... .but why is there no Cinderella story for men?  

JohnLove... .

There's always hope right?

As a man I'm participating in an unfolding Cinderella story with a beautiful woman that I thought did not exist other than in my mind. Giving up hope and resigning myself to a life without expectation for any better she showed up accidentally and without notice. I don't quite know where the story will end but we're both committed to finding out. With eye's open, a little time and knowing the traps we both accepted for so long its worth working for and expecting a story-book outcome. If its half that it will have been worth the effort.

Hang in there brother... .where there's love there is hope.