Stalking

[lovenature]

If you have been stalked by a BPD ex. who won't let go, what finally stopped the stalking for good?

[hurting300]

My ex did a disappearing act. And even though she dumped me she still stalked. They honestly just get tired. And go away.

[JRT]

How did you know that your ex was stalking you? I caught mine in a ruse stalking me on FB the very next day I posted it even though she unfriended and blocked me.

[fromheeltoheal]

Time.  And maybe not even then; I got an email from my ex on Friday and I left her over two years ago.  Borderlines are all about attachments, and so letting one go is difficult, even if they did the leaving.  It doesn't make rational sense, unless you look at it as a reaction to extreme emotions a borderline can't deal with any other way.  If you're concerned for your safety then you may need to get law enforcement involved, but beyond that it's best to shift the focus from her to you and from the past to the future; once she becomes convinced the attachment is severed she'll go chase the next shiny object.  One thing that is a little cool is once you detach and learn about the disorder the behaviors get very transparent, and once there's no emotional reaction for you they just seem ridiculous.  And then there's the part about why we got involved with ridiculous, which is where all the growth is.

[paperlung]

She would check my Facebook (we weren't friends, but she could still view my profile picture and cover photo) and she would also read my posts at this other forum I posted at (she knew my username).

I got rid of Facebook and asked a moderator of that other forum to permanently ban my account.

[hoaianhcameron]

How can you tell your ex is stalking on FB?

[willtimeheal]

How can you tell your ex is stalking on FB?

I would be interested in this also.  I thought there was no way of seeing who looked at your FB.

[JRT]

I have looked at this in detail. At once I came across a method that involved using Chrome, but it ended up being a bit of a hoax. There is a also some software floating around that claims to do it but does not. As far as I understand, it is not possible.

[paperlung]

How can you tell your ex is stalking on FB?

I don't think there is a way.

I was NC with my ex from March 2013 to March 2014. I caught up with her in person a few times over the span of the last few months. Her self-centeredness kept her from asking me any meaningful questions about myself, so I had to basically tell her myself the things I had done since we had parted ways.

I told her I went and cosplayed at an anime convention back in August 2013 and she told me she already knew. I asked her how and she said it was because she had seen my cover photo on Facebook; it was a picture of me with a bunch of other people dressed up. So there's confirmation right there.

The real stalking came from the other forum I posted on, though. She was able to keep tabs on me daily there. I'm sort of paranoid she knows I post here too even though I'm using a different username.

[JRT]

I KNOW mine continues to stalk me as well... .We know that it is because they cannot detach but I wonder what specifically they are thinking when they do the stalking?

[paperlung]

I KNOW mine continues to stalk me as well... .We know that it is because they cannot detach but I wonder what specifically they are thinking when they do the stalking?

Who knows? I've thought the same thing, too. Mine no longer has any way of staying attached to me anymore, so I wonder now if I'll just disappear from her mind.

JRT, did you ever read my crazy stalking experience with my ex?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=240742.0

[JRT]

I KNOW mine continues to stalk me as well... .We know that it is because they cannot detach but I wonder what specifically they are thinking when they do the stalking?

Who knows? I've thought the same thing, too. Mine no longer has any way of staying attached to me anymore, so I wonder now if I'll just disappear from her mind.

JRT, did you ever read my crazy stalking experience with my ex?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=240742.0

I think that is interesting that she was able to finally admit that she was stalking you... .what do you think that those activities were telling you about her and what she felt about your relationship? People don't do things for no reason at all (especially repeatedly). There must be a reason even if crazy is the reason.

[paperlung]

I KNOW mine continues to stalk me as well... .We know that it is because they cannot detach but I wonder what specifically they are thinking when they do the stalking?

Who knows? I've thought the same thing, too. Mine no longer has any way of staying attached to me anymore, so I wonder now if I'll just disappear from her mind.

JRT, did you ever read my crazy stalking experience with my ex?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=240742.0

I think that is interesting that she was able to finally admit that she was stalking you... .what do you think that those activities were telling you about her and what she felt about your relationship? People don't do things for no reason at all (especially repeatedly). There must be a reason even if crazy is the reason.

I think me labeling her as BPD just pissed her off to be honest. She doesn't believe she has BPD anymore (she dismissed the initial diagnosis). Ten  days prior to that rage text, I had sent her an email telling her not to contact me again, too. Ten days after the rage (and after she broke up with her less than 2 week boyfriend), she sends me a random text message telling me she's making YouTube videos now. No respect for my boundaries.

[JRT]

All that after she was diagnosed and she effectively admitted that she was! WOW! You had your hands full!

I am now just about 5 months after the fact ad I have not heard from mine. IN a way, I am impressed that she is following through with something - she never did. I have a 6th sense that she has been stalking me but don't have anything to prove it... .not sure that I care. I still hurt a bit here and there about the entire mess; our relationship was quite good but the disappearing act and what happened after that just crushed me.

I am trying to get her belongings back to her and she is making that really difficult to the extent that I suspect that she wants the stuff to remain with me! ugggghhh!

[nodiggity]

My opinion

Someone checking out your FB profile is not "stalking" unless it is through establishing a bogus profile and trying to friend you, or looking at the information you share with friends through a mutual acquaintance.

If you share it with the public you share it with your x. 

[JRT]

My opinion

Someone checking out your FB profile is not "stalking" unless it is through establishing a bogus profile and trying to friend you, or looking at the information you share with friends through a mutual acquaintance.

If you share it with the public you share it with your x. 

Not only did mine unfriend me, but she blocked me as well... .going further, she unfriended all of my friends (save for one who is just a loony as she is and who unfriended me later)... .not to be outdone, she convinced all of her family and friends to also unfriend me.

I concocted a ruse 3 months after we broke up to which she responded to the very next day. (thought her GF). My profile has always been public and I kept it that way until she responded to the ruse after which, I made it 'friends'. Stalking?

[HappyNihilist]

lovenature, what exactly do you mean by stalking?

Borderlines often keep tabs on their exes, no matter who ended the relationship or why. And things like social media making it easy to keep up with people from a distance. We sometimes call this "stalking," but it's usually benign. Plenty of people who don't have PDs peek in on exes' social media, or ask mutual acquaintances about their ex sometimes.

But there are also sometimes more threatening stalking behaviors. Is there a concern about safety? Is your privacy being invaded?

My exBPDbf monitored me throughout the relationship, and continues to do so since the breakup. He was the same way with his other exes. But as far as I know, he's never crossed a line from "keeping tabs from a distance" to "stalking." It feels a bit creepy and icky, but I also understand. It makes sense from the perspective of the disorder. Borderlines have such trouble with close attachments, and they tend to have a childlike sense of ownership over partners and exes.

[paperlung]

All that after she was diagnosed and she effectively admitted that she was! WOW! You had your hands full!

I am now just about 5 months after the fact ad I have not heard from mine. IN a way, I am impressed that she is following through with something - she never did. I have a 6th sense that she has been stalking me but don't have anything to prove it... .not sure that I care. I still hurt a bit here and there about the entire mess; our relationship was quite good but the disappearing act and what happened after that just crushed me.

I am trying to get her belongings back to her and she is making that really difficult to the extent that I suspect that she wants the stuff to remain with me! ugggghhh!

The thing with my ex and her BPD diagnosis is that she was never actually diagnosed by an actual psychiatrist. It was a social worker at a hospital who was going to refer her to a psych. From what I've gathered, she was handed some medical papers and on one of them listed a bunch of first impressions. One was borderline personality disorder. She told me that when she saw that she ran into her bathroom crying (she was with my replacement at this time). She then called my house number and talked to my mom while I was at school to let me know that I was right all along, that she is BPD.

Even 4 months later when she wrote me an apology letter, she said, " I had called quite some time ago and spoke with your mother and told her i was indeed diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder. I'm not sure she spoke to you about it, but i have a feeling she did." She embraced it for a while, but now believes until an actual psychiatrist diagnosis her, she's fine. Interestingly enough, her older sister was recently diagnosed with BPD. I know she has it though, or something very close to it at least.

How would you feel if you had solid proof she was stalking/keeping tabs on you? Would you feel validated/good about it? Creeped out?

[JRT]

It deepened the confusion. Its hard to say how I felt about it: definitely not creeped out. Validated? Maybe. Something about it made me feel pathetic about her especially after she had a friend of hers follow up on the ruse I created. It was a GF that she really didn't like and regularly split her; I realized that she probably contacted other friends or family to do the follow up but they refused to participate. The exchange between the GF and I was incredibly pathetic, like I was talking to a petulant child.

[lovenature]

I am referring to traditional stalking behaviors; following me to places I go, parked near where I am and watching me, dressing in a hoodie and making an appearance in an establishment I'm at while thinking I won't know it's her .

No respect for boundaries what so ever, after I made it clear it was over and went NC, numerous calls, texts, and banging on my doors. During most of the relationship she also displayed the same behavior, extremely jealous and possessive, constantly wanting attention-either positive or negative.

I am not worried about my safety, but I am concerned about how much of a toll it has taken on my health, it is particularly tough for me with her living right across the street.

[bravhart1]

Our BPD drives by our house several times a week. Drives by therapy sessions for SD6, therapist even saw her once herself as we just happen to be outside.

She puts hateful stuff online about us, me in particular. And has vandalized cars, written negative reviews to our employers, and contacted my ex. She throws rotten fruit at my house a couple times a month.

And yes, I consider it stalking. She would love nothing more for me to get a restraining order against her, then she would have a legitimate excuse as to why I should not be allowed to go to or be at exchanges, which she hates. She wants opportunity to have DH all to her self at exchanges.

When we get extra $$ we will be investing in a video surveillance system to document. But attorney fees keep us living month to month.

We have NO social media sites, she would and has used these in the past to make connections to friends and family to try to convince them we are the bad ones in this custody dispute. Plus I would not want her  to know anything more about us. Our privacy is already seriously invaded.