It's NOT FAIR

[Depression = 72% of members]

Been doing some work with little clljhns. She has been peeking around the corners of my mind lately and wants to be heard. Here is what she has to say:

It's not fair that no one saw who you really were

It's not fair that you would go to work and laugh and joke with your co-workers like you had done nothing wrong

It's not fair that you made me feel so small, so insignificant

It's not fair that you put your needs above mine and everyone else

It's not fair that you were never put in jail for what you did

It's not fair that you were successful and made lots of money, bad people should live in hovels with dirt floors and rats on them all the time!

It's not fair that you acted as if you did nothing wrong

It's not fair that you never apologized for hurting me, many times, without my consent

It's not fair that you don't care

It's not fair that you get to enjoy a happy laugh in your old age, and I am sick

It's not fair that you act like you know everything, when you know nothing at all

It's not fair that you won't know the pain you caused me

It's not fair that you get to have someone to call your own, and I don't because I don't know how to have a loving relationship

It's not fair that you live, when so many who really deserve life, die

It's not fair that you weren't the dad I needed

It's not fair that you didn't treat me like a treasure, instead of your possession

It's not fair that I still carry these feelings of pain and you go on like nothing happened

It's not fair that you can talk about me to family members like it is all my fault we don't talk anymore

It's not fair what you did

You are not a nice person. You're a mean, dirty old man, and I don't like you.

It was a choice you made. You did it on purpose. You didn't have to.

Thanks for letting her vent. Little clljhns and big clljhns is really having a hard time right now and I am committed to helping her (and me) through this right now.  I know at some point I will be past all of this, but it sure is has been a rough row to hoe, as we say in the south.

[clljhns]

Been doing some work with little clljhns. She has been peeking around the corners of my mind lately and wants to be heard. Here is what she has to say:

It's not fair that no one saw who you really were

It's not fair that you would go to work and laugh and joke with your co-workers like you had done nothing wrong

It's not fair that you made me feel so small, so insignificant

It's not fair that you put your needs above mine and everyone else

It's not fair that you were never put in jail for what you did

It's not fair that you were successful and made lots of money, bad people should live in hovels with dirt floors and rats on them all the time!

It's not fair that you acted as if you did nothing wrong

It's not fair that you never apologized for hurting me, many times, without my consent

It's not fair that you don't care

It's not fair that you get to enjoy a happy laugh in your old age, and I am sick

It's not fair that you act like you know everything, when you know nothing at all

It's not fair that you won't know the pain you caused me

It's not fair that you get to have someone to call your own, and I don't because I don't know how to have a loving relationship

It's not fair that you live, when so many who really deserve life, die

It's not fair that you weren't the dad I needed

It's not fair that you didn't treat me like a treasure, instead of your possession

It's not fair that I still carry these feelings of pain and you go on like nothing happened

It's not fair that you can talk about me to family members like it is all my fault we don't talk anymore

It's not fair what you did

You are not a nice person. You're a mean, dirty old man, and I don't like you.

It was a choice you made. You did it on purpose. You didn't have to.

Thanks for letting her vent. Little clljhns and big clljhns is really having a hard time right now and I am committed to helping her (and me) through this right now.  I know at some point I will be past all of this, but it sure is has been a rough row to hoe, as we say in the south.

[Harri]

Hi Lil'Cll and BigClljhns.  You are right.  It is not fair.  He was wrong and so broken to do that to you.  I wish I knew because I would have stopped him and scooped you up and protected you.  I would have taken you someplace safe and warm and loved you the way you deserved to be loved.  You m'dear, are precious and lovely and you deserve to be treated with love and kindness and to be treasured for the beautiful person you are.

Clljhns, you are doing well giving her a voice and the freedom to talk and it is beautiful, though heartbreaking to see this.  I had a conversation with my visiting nurse the other day.  She used to work in addiction and recovery before switching and she reminded me of how children grieve.  They do it a bit at a time.  They will feel sad and cry for a while and then they will play and be smiling and happy, and then something else will remind them of the sadness and they will cry and grieve again.  As adults I think we forget that it is an ongoing process with no definite progression.  So keep letting Lil Clljhns talk and vent and let her drive for a bit... .sometimes I think the kids know so much more than we do.

Little clljhns and big clljhns is really having a hard time right now and I am committed to helping her (and me) through this right now.  I know at some point I will be past all of this, but it sure is has been a rough row to hoe, as we say in the south.

It is never easy working on inner child stuff, but as painful as it is, it can be beautiful too.  Keep talking and please let us know if we can help you and your little one as you work through this.  I too know you will get through this, but you do no have to do it alone.    

[clljhns]

  I wish I knew because I would have stopped him and scooped you up and protected you.  I would have taken you someplace safe and warm and loved you the way you deserved to be loved.  You m'dear, are precious and lovely and you deserve to be treated with love and kindness and to be treasured for the beautiful person you are.

Oh, Harri. Thank you. I just cried when I read this. Thank you for saying that you would have stopped it and protected me. You are the first person that has ever said that to me, and I will cherish these words. 

Little clljhns does need to be in the forefront right now. I am going to give her center stage.

I had a conversation with my visiting nurse the other day.  She used to work in addiction and recovery before switching and she reminded me of how children grieve.  They do it a bit at a time.  They will feel sad and cry for a while and then they will play and be smiling and happy, and then something else will remind them of the sadness and they will cry and grieve again.  As adults I think we forget that it is an ongoing process with no definite progression.

Thank you for sharing this with me. I had never thought of it like this. I really didn't want to do this work. It frightens me so, but you are right, I can do it.

[Harri]

   You are most welcome clljhns and so worth saving!  <passes over a tissue and a lifesaver!> 

Little clljhns does need to be in the forefront right now. I am going to give her center stage.

What can she do in between when she is feeling playful?  When she is angry? 

When i was reading the book "Get me out of here" I was fascinated by the parts where she (pwBPD Rachel Reiland) was working in therapy and her child came out.  She and her T allowed her to cry and grieve and rage when needed but there was a limit to it to.  If she was acting in self-destructive/manipulative ways her therapist basically stopped working with her until the adult could take charge while giving the kid the room she needed to work through the emotions.  I am not describing it well at all, but it made me see that inner child work means giving the child a voice and allowing her to process the emotions, driving that part of the process, but with the adult stepping in and making sure those emotions were expressed in productive and healthy ways.  It was an aspect of inner child work I had never before understood.  Freedom to express emotions, validation, love and acceptance for the inner child... .and limits set by the adult (parent).  Who knew?

I went back to the thread gentlestguardian started back in Sept/Oct asking "If your inner child could speak, what would it say?" to remind myself of your responses there.  You and Lil clljhns have really connected since then.  check it out: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=233344.20

It's a beautiful thing Clljhns, it really is.   

[clljhns]

Thank you Harri,

I went back and read the post. We have come  long way since then.

What can she do in between when she is feeling playful?  When she is angry?

When she is playful, we sing and dance and play games. We haven't gotten to the anger yet. I know that I smoke so that I can push down the anger. I get anxious, and then I eat, and then I smoke. I know what needs to be done. I can't wait to get back to see my T. I have been snowed in for so long, so I have missed seeing him for two months.

It's a beautiful thing Clljhns, it really is.

Yes, it is. Once I get to the other side of this, I know I will feel better.

Thank you again for the tissue and lifesaver! 

[polly87]

Hi Little Clljhns and Big Clljhns 

No, it is not fair! Like Harri, I find it beautiful yet heartbreaking to hear little Clljhns speak. She deserved a loving parent, not one who abused her. Give her a big hug from me.

[clljhns]

Thank you polly87. I will give her a hug. And hugs right back to you!