Tables turned

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi

I ended things with my BPDex a couple of weeks ago after they stormed out of my apartment for the umpteenth time with emotional issues (nothing I had done). This was not planned but I have been through a lot lately and I think I just snapped and said don't come back.

I've recieved suicide threats, but I have  made sure they have got professional help and support. I have offered to meet in person (as the last time we spoke was in a stressful situation) and I have been supportive and tried to detach with compassion. However in the last few days I have been accused of not being supportive and being a let down for not being instantly available. I have responded honestly and said that I feel that they are being controlling and hurtful with some of the things they are messaging me with.

My BPDex is now telling me a new story - that their feelings for me and interaction with me is now the primary cause of their illness, and they cannot risk being suicidal again so they think it's best we have no contact.  This has happened on the back of me seriously struggling this weekend and thinking  about going back to the realtionship again as the pain of missing them is just too much. It now feels like I have had the table turned and I am being left/cut out. I feel sick to the stomach and extremely anxious and can't get my head around how if someone is loves you then why don't they want you around, especially when their not feeling well.

I feel awful and can't seem to pull my self out of this panick/anxiety.

Any advice for others out there?

Thanks

[Loosestrife]

Hi

I ended things with my BPDex a couple of weeks ago after they stormed out of my apartment for the umpteenth time with emotional issues (nothing I had done). This was not planned but I have been through a lot lately and I think I just snapped and said don't come back.

I've recieved suicide threats, but I have  made sure they have got professional help and support. I have offered to meet in person (as the last time we spoke was in a stressful situation) and I have been supportive and tried to detach with compassion. However in the last few days I have been accused of not being supportive and being a let down for not being instantly available. I have responded honestly and said that I feel that they are being controlling and hurtful with some of the things they are messaging me with.

My BPDex is now telling me a new story - that their feelings for me and interaction with me is now the primary cause of their illness, and they cannot risk being suicidal again so they think it's best we have no contact.  This has happened on the back of me seriously struggling this weekend and thinking  about going back to the realtionship again as the pain of missing them is just too much. It now feels like I have had the table turned and I am being left/cut out. I feel sick to the stomach and extremely anxious and can't get my head around how if someone is loves you then why don't they want you around, especially when their not feeling well.

I feel awful and can't seem to pull my self out of this panick/anxiety.

Any advice for others out there?

Thanks

[Heldfast]

Now that you know what you're dealing with are you sure you want them back or do you just want the pain to go away? It does lessen with time once you go your own way, and work on yourself. If you want them back, what would you say? Are you sure you know how to communicate? Your BPD partner's statement seems to show they've begun devaluing you. Have you spoken to their therapist? It may be a good first move to talk to their therapist, maybe one for yourself, and possibly invite your BPD partner to join, or ask their therapist if you may join for a session.

[eyvindr]

Loosestrife,

Sorry you're going through this. It's hard.

Sounds like you left your partner for a reason -- directly tied to behavior that you determined was unacceptable from a partner with whom you're in a relationship.

Instead of apologizing for the behavior that led you to detach, your partner instead tried to manipulate you back into the r-ship with suicide threats. That didn't work, so now they're doing the only thing they can think of to make themselves feel better -- hint: it still doesn't involve an apology for their behavior.

Am I understanding this correctly?

[drummerboy]

Sounds like textbook BPD behaviour. They have to be the ones in control, not you! Good on you for taking the initiative. The attention has to be on them at all times. Everything is always about them, their needs, their constant need for attention, hence the suicide threats. At some point you have to decide who is more important, you or a disordered person who is probably so self absorbed that YOUR needs are irrelevant to them, so I ask you to ask yourself, "what about me?" "How do I want my life to be?" "Is this person ever going to add to my life or are they going to continually just be a cause of grief and turmoil?"

A pwBPD is essentially a narrcistic emotional manipulator. Do you really think that you could ever have a healthy, loving relationship with them? They are masters at the blame game because nothing is ever their fault, they are professional victims and professional liars. Let them blame you all they want, you know the truth, you sound like a person with love and compassion, to a pwBPD these qualities in you are are used to manipulate you.

The big question you have to ask yourself is why would you want to be a part of this circus anymore?

[Infared]

Now that you know what you're dealing with are you sure you want them back or do you just want the pain to go away? It does lessen with time once you go your own way, and work on yourself. If you want them back, what would you say? Are you sure you know how to communicate? Your BPD partner's statement seems to show they've begun devaluing you. Have you spoken to their therapist? It may be a good first move to talk to their therapist, maybe one for yourself, and possibly invite your BPD partner to join, or ask their therapist if you may join for a session.

I can tell you from personal experience that your suggestion to meet with the pwBPD,s therapist can backfire dreadfully and it was a very upsetting and damaging experience for me.

My ex, after she had run off with new supply  invited (who she had been cheating on me with),, she invited me to meet with her and her therapist for 6 closure sessions. What a dreadful mistake. I was in a huge amount of emotional pain and

I met with her and her very unprofessional counselor, where I find that she had told this woman lie upon lie, upon lie. I think she went to this T and just ran her "little-miss-sweet-and innocent" game on her. She said that she was not cheating on me. She blamed everything on me and the counselor insulted me and talked to my ex about me in a derogatory way as if I was not present in the room. My ex just totally manipulated and conned the T into a false portrayal of herself and our relationship and who I was so that she would be this innocent victim and I was the villian... .it was just so devastating to me... .I left there in an immense amount of pain and completely dumbfounded. ... what a mentally ill cunning little shrew she was. It was like a bad movie. What I found to be so disturbing was that her T had just met me... .did not know me and was attacking me based on all the falsehoods that my ex had told her. She was so, so, so unprofessional. If I had not lived it I would not have believed it could happen to someone. I thing that my ex planned the whole thing and was enjoying it.

So my advice would be to be very careful about meeting with your partner's T. It could get ugly for you... .you could be entering the witches den

[Loosestrife]

I think I am now being devalued now they have now got other support avenues. This is healthy for them, but it is difficult for me to adapt to - no longer being wanted or needed at all. It's also hurtful to be told your the cause when you know you are not. I do not think seeing  T together is an option at the moment. My BPDex is basically that they can't do any kind of interaction with me as they can only cope with their own emotions at present.

I wanted to leave as I thought it was the healthiest thing to do, but I am in so much pain I'm now not sure.

They say the relationship with me as its triggers them too much. If we talk on the phone then they won't let me speak as any views or emotions are too much for them to handle so they hang up.  They apologise all the time and say they feel guilt. But there is a lot of control and manipulation on their part. I don't think there is even the opportunity now to go back even as friends as I am now being blamed for the suicidal feelings they have. They have siad they won't contact me again as I need to move on and they are better off without me.

I phoned them briefly to speak and asked if they were saying they definately wanted NC on both sides - all I got was that they were not well enough to make a decision but if they have to then yes, NC was best for them. I said I wouldn't contact them again but if they needed to they could contact me. But then I panicked and called back (no reply),  so I sent a message later saying that I did not understand  how they say I'm the love of their life,  but they dont want me to be there for them. Now I feel undignified like I'm chasing again. It's kirk everything gets turners around in some evil game.

I just want the pain to stop.

[Loosestrife]

Loosestrife,

Sorry you're going through this. It's hard.

Sounds like you left your partner for a reason -- directly tied to behavior that you determined was unacceptable from a partner with whom you're in a relationship.

Instead of apologizing for the behavior that led you to detach, your partner instead tried to manipulate you back into the r-ship with suicide threats. That didn't work, so now they're doing the only thing they can think of to make themselves feel better -- hint: it still doesn't involve an apology for their behavior.

Am I understanding this correctly?

Yes this is correct, but I usually get one apology when I point out the behaviour, however it's often followed with a 'but I'm not incontrol /unwell' and don't mean to hurt you

[eyvindr]

I'm sorry, Loosestrife.

Much as it pains me to write this to you, I think you would do best to try to take your ex's words at face value. She is at least admitting to you that she is unwell and not in control. In other words -- whether she understands it or not, or would logically agree -- she is saying that this isn't your fault.

You left for a reasonable reason. She has continued to not accept responsibility for her behaviors -- my ex did this consistently in the nearly 4 years we tried to have a relationship. No matter what happened, she NEVER would accept 0.0000000000000000000001% more than 50% of responsibility for any conflict we had. In the end, the reasoning seemed to be that simply because I existed, I was half to blame. Granted, I was the other half of the r-ship -- so, in the B&W thinking world of BPD, I can see where that would make perfect sense.

Except the B&W thinking world of BPD is just that -- a world limited to people struggling with BPD. It's not the real world, and certainly not my world. And you don't need to accept it as your world, either.

I can tell that you are hurting, and it will take some time to heal. But the pain won't stop if you keep re-opening the wound by trying to get more closure than you already have -- which I can understand may not feel like much. She has said that NC would be best for her, and that being in a relationship with you is too triggering for her. If she really does have BPD (I don't know if she's been dx'd professionally or not), this is a pretty rare insight into her own struggles -- I would advise you to take it to heart. Again, it reinforces that you are not the issue here -- I know it's hard not to take that kind of feedback personally, but try to accept it for what it is. It's the interactions she has with you that trigger her illness, not you. It would be the same with anyone -- and, I might add, it generally is a function of the level of feelings that she does have for you, if it's true BPD.

But, either way, you should try to move on, Loosestrife. Life's too short. There is someone out there who won't be triggered by you, and who will want to be in a relationship with you. But you won't meet her as long as you stay tied up to your ex. Hang in there.

[Loosestrife]

Thanks Eyvindr. I will try to move on