'You Deserve Better'

[Trog]

The closest line I'll ever get to closure even if I don't truly believe she thinks that; I think that.

I've been NC for several months until last week when we spoke about how we would divorce. It was meant to be a short convo but I suppose feelings are still running high. I got the usual, the whole thing is my fault, she 'can't believe what I did to her', I.e, grew a backbone and threw her out, on that score, she badly miscalculated and now of course she has all kinds of illnesses that are also my fault. Her life has been a mess since I left, she feels incomplete without me but... .Hasn't tried to save our marriage... .So all lip-service as always.

It's been the most frustrating 7 years of my life. My self confidence has been eroded to it's lowest level, I second guess myself and can't make a decision to save my life, I go back on forth on every moral question. I am pretty anti-social and negative now, something I noticed myself developing quite quickly while we were together. The fun has gone out of my life, the wonder of life is gone. To anyone who feels they want to be back in these kind of draining, soul killing relationships, please turn and run as fast as you can. No one is worth losing yourself over like this. The reason many of us get like this is from unresolved childhood pain, it's even nothing to do with the BPD person, you (I was) are just ripe for BPD abuse and the perfect victim.

My work on this side of the board is pretty much done. I know when I will divorce and of sorts, I have closure so all I can do now is work on myself to ensure this doesn't happen to me again! Good luck all!

[Loosestrife]

I can relate to them saying I feel incomplete without you, but not actually asking to come back or try to sit down like mature adults to resolve issues as a couple.

Good luck with your divorce proceedings and I hope you get yourself to the point where you do meet someone you deserve.

Thanks for you post as it has helped me see a few things too 

[Reforming]

I'm sorry for your pain Trog.

I know how painful these break ups can be. One of the things that I really struggled with was accepting that my exes words don't really mean anything. She could apologise one moment - grantedly in a kind empty child like way - and then a day later smother me with blame.

I felt so hurt and confused  . I desperately wanted some healthy closure, evidence that she had really loved me. Looking to her for this just proved to be  a waste of time and energy, which hurt me more and slowed down my healing.

Gradually I've come to realise the importance of radical acceptance.

When I stumbled on to this site I was very confused and hurt. I read a lot about BPD and I quickly recognised that it was a very good fit for my exes behaviour and background. I grasped the concept of BPD intellectually but emotionally I struggled to radically accept it as true. Partly because she was never diagnosed (to my knowledge at least), partly because I was so brainwashed by the end that I felt responsible for her behaviour and partly because she is very high functioning professionally.

It's hard to accept that a fully grown adult has the emotional maturity of a small child

It's hard to accept they are not able to love us in the way that we need even if they wanted to

It's hard to accept that both their intense love and cruelty are actually part of the disorder. It wasn't personal

It hard to accept that no matter how unique your relationship felt for you - it was not the same for them. They will quickly move on and repeat the pattern.

Now I realise that radical acceptance is the foundation to detachment and healing.

It sounds like you got the right attitude. I promised myself that I would do whatever it took to make sure that I never repeated the experience.

Watch out for the punitive voice. I don't know whether you're seeing a T, but I found Schema very helpful

Good luck

Reforming

[going places]

The closest line I'll ever get to closure even if I don't truly believe she thinks that; I think that.

I've been NC for several months until last week when we spoke about how we would divorce. It was meant to be a short convo but I suppose feelings are still running high. I got the usual, the whole thing is my fault, she 'can't believe what I did to her', I.e, grew a backbone and threw her out, on that score, she badly miscalculated and now of course she has all kinds of illnesses that are also my fault. Her life has been a mess since I left, she feels incomplete without me but... .Hasn't tried to save our marriage... .So all lip-service as always.

It's been the most frustrating 7 years of my life. My self confidence has been eroded to it's lowest level, I second guess myself and can't make a decision to save my life, I go back on forth on every moral question. I am pretty anti-social and negative now, something I noticed myself developing quite quickly while we were together. The fun has gone out of my life, the wonder of life is gone. To anyone who feels they want to be back in these kind of draining, soul killing relationships, please turn and run as fast as you can. No one is worth losing yourself over like this. The reason many of us get like this is from unresolved childhood pain, it's even nothing to do with the BPD person, you (I was) are just ripe for BPD abuse and the perfect victim.



My work on this side of the board is pretty much done. I know when I will divorce and of sorts, I have closure so all I can do now is work on myself to ensure this doesn't happen to me again! Good luck all!

Big Deep Breath.

I am glad you got some 'closure'.

No one 'deserves' to be treated like this... .no one.

Abusive relationships are never "ok". Ever.

Focus on healing yourself.

[Trog]

I have found the words Vs the action the most confusing aspect of her personality all along for the whole 7 years. However, if I look at it closely, it doesn't just relate to me. She was apparently madly in love with her ex but when her ex died she didn't seem to shed a tear or bother to go to the funeral. I had been triangulated with the ex for the whole time, it was a shock to realise what she really thought (ie, not much).

When it comes to me the behaviour was just the same as today (i'm heartbroken, I love you, I miss you... .but I wont do anything about it) as it always was. I can't remember who summed it up well yesterday, she is like a sales rep, she checks in to see if the account is still active but is done making any effort to keep the client happy. It makes you feel used, duped and quite stupid. I need to look at my naivity, for years I have been walking around saying to myself and others "but how could a person do that", "why" etc etc. There is a mountain of evidence that she's a self centred, narcissistic advantage taker and yet I always fundamentally want to believe she's a nice person. BPD or no BPD, she's not. She's full of cr*p!

Anyway, I deserve better. So do all you guys, we are in the end, nice, trusting people who got a painful life lesson, many lovely people go through their lives without falling into a toxic relationship with a BPD. We are the lucky few!

[Reforming]

Try not to be too hard on yourself.

You're not the first smart person who allowed himself to get sucked into the madness and you won't be the last.

Until you've actually lived through a BPD relationship it hard to believe that it exists.

And it's a hidden disorder, which is one of the big reasons why it's so confounding and destructive.

It also defies our general understanding of human behaviour. We keep trying to make sense it or frame the behaviour in terms that we understand, that are familiar, but you can't.

There are radical differences in how BPD perceive and relate and interact with others and until you accept that you are lost in a maze of confusion and hurt.

Reforming

[Mustbeabetterway]

Reformer is right, you are not the first smart person who allowed himsef or herself to be sucked into the madness.

I think opposites attract and in my case i was drawn to the excitement that his risk taking behavior created.  There is never a dull moment.  Of course, this is a double edged sword. The "excitement" created drama, chaos and problems.   

I tend to like routines, am logical and think things out before acting.  From my own experiences and those i have read here, we expect our s/o to think like we do, and they just don't.   I couldn't figure it out until i learned more about BPD and the behaviors still catch me by surprise.

Don't be too hard on yourself.  It is natural to trust those we love, to want the best out of our r/s.  It is not normal to betray the trust of a loving spouse, to belittle them or make them feel bad about themselves. 

You seem like a kind, patient person.  I hope you are able to enjoy your life, have fun again and regain your self confidence.