4 Months No Contact Contacted My Friends Girlfriend Out of the Blue - Advice?

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Hi

After she discarded me etc and it wasn't the nicest of break ups my friend has texted me to say that my exuBPD girlfriend has telephoned his girlfriend out of the blue last week.It is out of the blue in that they aren't friends as such, don't socialise and my ex only knows her through me. In fact prior to her telephoning my friends girlfriend there had been no communication for about 9 months! I have explicitly said to my friend I don't want to know what she is doing or who she is with etc as I have started dating a lovely girl who is healthy and we are taking things slow.

Please advise me folks - why has she contacted my friends girlfriend? Is this indirect contact? I she hoping to make me jealous? Advice please asap!

[confused1730]

Hi

After she discarded me etc and it wasn't the nicest of break ups my friend has texted me to say that my exuBPD girlfriend has telephoned his girlfriend out of the blue last week.It is out of the blue in that they aren't friends as such, don't socialise and my ex only knows her through me. In fact prior to her telephoning my friends girlfriend there had been no communication for about 9 months! I have explicitly said to my friend I don't want to know what she is doing or who she is with etc as I have started dating a lovely girl who is healthy and we are taking things slow.

Please advise me folks - why has she contacted my friends girlfriend? Is this indirect contact? I she hoping to make me jealous? Advice please asap!

[Mr Hollande]

I had a similar experience this summer. The female friend in question asked me what to do. I told her to block her. An hour plus and the phone rang. I heard the exes voice and I recognised the tone. The battle/rage tone. I put the phone down before she finished her sentence and resumed normal NC operations.

Who knows why she contacted your friends gf? I understand how baffling it is but if you're serious about NC is it really that important? It's just a desperate and feeble attempt at something and you don't have to respond to it. If NC is what you want then just carry on with that.

[confused1730]

I am staying NC and have been very strong on this. I am just trying to understand why she has contacted someone she is not friends with at this stage - should I prepare for an attempted recycle?

[Mr Hollande]

Their existence is need based so I suggest there is something she wants. Possible feelings of shame over what she'd done prevents her from going directly to you so she's putting the feelers out via indirect contact. You may be contacted by her soon or you may not. All I can say is you can probably be sure that there is something she wants. What she wants is anyone's guess.

When my ex phoned me out of the blue a week or two after I'd put the phone down on her I asked repeatedly what she wanted and all she would say was that she wanted to know how I was doing. I told her it was none of her business. I'm guessing there was more to it than that but I can only guess what it was.

If she does contact you be prepared that it may stir up feelings you don't want. It did with me even if I only spoke to her a couple of minutes before putting the phone down.

[confused1730]

Hi guys - theres not much response on here, could people have a look and give me their views as it helps so much.

[jhkbuzz]

Hi guys - theres not much response on here, could people have a look and give me their views as it helps so much.

There really isn't any way for us to tell you why she's done this.  Perhaps it would be better for you to take the focus off her and put it on yourself - what you need, what you want, what boundaries you need to put into place to keep you emotionally safe.

It sounds like this has (understandably) triggered you.  Once you can really identify the feelings and thoughts beneath the trigger, what you should do (and how you should prepare for) an attempt at contact should become clearer.

[confused1730]

Thanks - just having read up for quite a few months on BPD - this just confirms that she has all the traits. There is a million per cent no reason for her to contact my friends girlfriend.

[jhkbuzz]

Thanks - just having read up for quite a few months on BPD - this just confirms that she has all the traits. There is a million per cent no reason for her to contact my friends girlfriend.

Whatever reasons SHE may have are hers - how you deal with this trigger is up to you.  What are your thoughts?

[confused1730]

My thoughts I suppose are based on much of what I have read and learnt on here. My immediate thoughts are that in some way she is lurking it trying to find out about the girl I'm dating. Also there's been a reasonable amount of time for her to have moved into the devaluation phase with my replacement or on the other extreme be married by now! I have asked my friend not to tell me the topic of the conversation they had - but I guess I shouldn't be bothered by it all but it's triggered me

[jhkbuzz]

My thoughts I suppose are based on much of what I have read and learnt on here. My immediate thoughts are that in some way she is lurking it trying to find out about the girl I'm dating. Also there's been a reasonable amount of time for her to have moved into the devaluation phase with my replacement or on the other extreme be married by now! I have asked my friend not to tell me the topic of the conversation they had - but I guess I shouldn't be bothered by it all but it's triggered me

Yes, you seem very triggered.  I understand because I would be too.  What can you learn about yourself from this?

[confused1730]

I am not interested in why she has contacted my friends girlfriend but kind if interested I she has done it out of need - and is that need intrigue in terms of the new healthy girl in seeing? I need to forget about it but why the hell has she contacted someone that she's not really friends with!

[jhkbuzz]

I am not interested in why she has contacted my friends girlfriend but kind if interested I she has done it out of need - and is that need intrigue in terms of the new healthy girl in seeing? I need to forget about it but why the hell has she contacted someone that she's not really friends with!

I think it's important to be honest with yourself about what you're feeling.  It's okay that you've been triggered - it's even okay that you're intrigued by it.  You understand that you "need to forget about it" - but you are having a hard time with that.

Why do you think that is the case?

[confused1730]

I guess a few things:

1. To confirm that this is another trait of her BPD?

2. Because I would like her probably (appreciate it can be dangerous) to feel rejected by the fact I have moved on.

Just being honest

[jhkbuzz]

I guess a few things:

1. To confirm that this is another trait of her BPD?

2. Because I would like her probably (appreciate it can be dangerous) to feel rejected by the fact I have moved on.

Just being honest

I understand both - #1 especially - looking for "signs" of her BPD is a strange sort of reassurance - that I wasn't somehow solely responsible for ___ing up a relationship with someone I really loved.  I still struggle with this one.

The second is totally understandable - but for me, it's not so much that I want her to feel rejected as much as I want some - any - sign that she actually loved me.

Both of these are hard to deal with.

Do you still have feelings for her?

[confused1730]

I do probably but know there is no mileage in the relationship. In your experience her hearing about me dating does that trigger jealousy or is it more likely to trigger her telling my friends girlfriend how wonderfully happy she is?

[jhkbuzz]

I do probably but know there is no mileage in the relationship. In your experience her hearing about me dating does that trigger jealousy or is it more likely to trigger her telling my friends girlfriend how wonderfully happy she is?

I understand - I'm working towards radically accepting that I love this woman who I must absolutely and unequivocally keep out of my life because of how emotionally destructive she is.  It gets easier with the passage of time, but I struggle with how incredibly sad that makes me.

It's hard to know what hearing about your dating will trigger in her - triggers are as unique as individuals are.  I think the important take away from this is recognizing that it's triggered something in you - and that you're unresolved, even though you're dating.

[zeus123]

your BPD ex girlfriend contacted your friend's girlfriend, wow, big news, come on man seriously? who cares.