Desperately need help with daughter

[newlifeBPDfree]

Hello,

I was advised to post on this board for advice. My daughter is 11 and she does not have BPD but her father does. We recently went through some traumatic events and domestic abuse occurrence (more on that here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271746.0) and I made a decision to temporarily cut off all contact of my ex with my daughter as I felt it was very damaging to her and he has been poisoning her against me and alienating her.

Right now she is really mad at me and she wont talk. She refused to get up to go to school. she calls me evil, she tells me she hates me. I have never seen such hostility from her toward me. she says things that are pure replicas of my ex's words, so I know where she gets them. I'm desperate for help. I don't know what to do in this crisis situation. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello Newlife

And welcome to the Parents board.

I have read your thread that you  provided the link to and I am so very sorry for all that you are going through. 

All of this can be very confusing and leave one feeling lost and unsure of what to do.  It was suggested that you focus on your daughter.  This is where you have the ability to make choices... .your ex and his behaviors/choices are outside of your control.

Your daughter  is scared, confused, angry and in need of your protection and proactive choices.  Clear your mind and focus on what she needs.

You mentioned that she will not get up and go to school... .frankly... if I was her I wouldn't either.  She is in no condition to go to school right now.

Getting her into counseling asap is where I would focus my energy.  Can you call your County Mental Health Helpline and ask for help? Another option is to call the school and see if they have resources for your daughter. Tell them the situation and ask them if a  social worker can come for a  home visit with your daughter? It may be helpful to request a male social worker in your daughter's situation.  You may not have that option, it doesn't hurt to ask.

Review the Tools to the right of the page. Particularly the one on Validation.  As much as you are able, put yourself in your daughter's shoes and listen, listen, and listen.  Respond with empathy.

Your daughter needs you to protect her even when she is begging you not to.  You are the parent, she needs you to be strong here even as she pushes you away and subjects you to abusive actions and words... .hold strong and fast.

lbj   

[newlifeBPDfree]

Thank you for taking the time to read my other thread. I stayed at home with her today and I'm looking for counselors and trying to educate myself as much as I can. This is the hardest time I have ever experienced.

[lbjnltx]

Thank you for taking the time to read my other thread. I stayed at home with her today and I'm looking for counselors and trying to educate myself as much as I can. This is the hardest time I have ever experienced.

You are doing the right thing.

[newlifeBPDfree]

I'm really worried and scared. My daughter's rage is still going on. She slept for four hours during the day. When she woke up she wouldn't talk to me. I asked her what I can get her to eat and she said she was not eating until she sees dad. Then she started throwing stuff at me, even a picture from the wall, which hurt me physically. I'm really scared with the violence shes displaying. I cant get her into counselling until Thursday night.

[lbjnltx]

I'm really worried and scared. My daughter's rage is still going on. She slept for four hours during the day. When she woke up she wouldn't talk to me. I asked her what I can get her to eat and she said she was not eating until she sees dad. Then she started throwing stuff at me, even a picture from the wall, which hurt me physically. I'm really scared with the violence shes displaying. I cant get her into counselling until Thursday night.

Can you get someone to come to stay with  you?  It's best not to be alone if  you can help it.  Maybe a friend of yours or family member?

If she starts to rage and you believe she will become violent again remove yourself from the room.  Do not allow her to inflict injury upon you.  If you have to go outside and sit in your car with the doors locked ... .do it. 

lbj

[Middleagemom]

Very sorry you are experiencing this, it must be terrifying to see.  I agree with getting someone in to assist you and counselling asap.  I look back at troubled people I've known in my life and think "IF only someone would have had the strength to get them to a counsellor early on, how much better things would have been".  All I can suggest is, your experience with her father and recognizing the signs gives you an inside track on getting help earlier.  Whether it's a PD or not, if the child is hurting and acting out, addressing it is the best solution. 

Wishing you good luck and better sleep!

[lbjnltx]

Hi Newlife... .

Did you and your daughter make it to the therapy appointment?

How are things now?


lbj

[newlifeBPDfree]

Hi Newlife... .

Did you and your daughter make it to the therapy appointment?

How are things now?


lbj

Hi, Thanks for asking. I had to switch something around on my insurance to be able to get a good therapist. The changes are kicking in March 1st and I will be able to see a therapist with her. Things have calmed down a lot but I still see a lot of confusion in her. I see that she is questioning me silently. She had asked about what the full custody meant. I'm upset that my ex even discusses things like that with her. It's to undermine me as a loving parent and portray me as manipulative even though I have not pulled the sole custody card once in the past year that we have been divorced. He could always see her whenever he wanted but I was noticing a lot of chaos and lack of structure. I am now doing something that should have been done a year ago when I was getting a divorce from him. I'm trying to set down some clear rules and create structure for her. It's hard because he undermines me every inch of the way. All I can do is show her my love and one day she will hopefully understand I was not the evil mom taking her away from dad.

[lbjnltx]

Thanks for the update Newlife...

Sounds like there is some calm space to make plans within right now.  Relief and recuperation from the drama 

Structure is necessary and also beneficial to your d and her relationship with you and also her dad.

Let us know if you can how your daughter does in therapy and how we can continue to offer support to you.

lbj

[livednlearned]

Hi newlifeBPDfree,

I'm glad things are at least a little bit more calm for you. It's very challenging to coparent when one parent has BPD. Your D may be like my son -- I think of him as having a sensitive genotype. His psychiatrist refers to it as "epigenetics," where the gene is there and certain conditions can be triggering. But certain treatments can also be helpful, and that's where I'm at now, trying to get ahead of things and lay a good foundation for my son to be mentally and emotionally resilient. It doesn't mean he is going to be BPD, but I think having the father he has, and the genetics they both have, makes things a bit dicier for us.

I think I mentioned in my other post that N/BPDx is no longer in my son's life. I filed to have visitation terminated and the courts agreed it was best for S13. It has not made things perfect, but it has allowed some more difficult feelings to surface. I didn't think that removing N/BPDx was going to solve everything, but I definitely didn't think S13 was going to become severely depressed. I suspect they are related, although the psychiatrist thinks it was inevitable.

I wanted to share that because your D is probably going to heal in non-linear ways that may not follow the map you have in your own mind. Healing can be two steps forward, one step back. I'm grateful that the psychiatrist helped me see that because I was feeling tremendous guilt about terminating visitation. I know you are not necessarily going to do the same thing, but instilling structure and abiding by the custody order may trigger an extinction outburst in your ex husband (which is a very powerful reaction to a boundary that he will very likely test).

Hang in there. And let us know how you're doing. I'm glad you're both going to be in therapy together -- it can help to have a skilled therapist let us see things we might not otherwise see. In our kids, and in ourselves.



LnL

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders