Adult son dysregulates, I struggle to validate

[Dibdob59]

Hi

I have posted here before but to recap my uBPDS30 has a 6 year old son with his ex (probably NPD/BPD) girlfriend.  They split 2 years ago and my GS spends 3 nights a week with my son and 4 with my son's ex.

His ex has just sent my son a text saying she wants my GS's passport as she is taking him to Ibiza for a week with a guy she has been seeing for about 6-8 weeks.  This has started my son dysregulating and he is now contacting mutual acquaintances trying to check up (read dig up dirt) on the new boyfriend.  My son says he has been told the guy deals in steroids and that they are only going to Ibiza to go clubbing and get drunk every night. I asked him if he knew that for sure and he became very agitated and said it was obvious.

There are obviously several things here that are worrying my son:

1) His ex has supposedly not known the new guy for long

2) Ibiza is known for clubbing/drinking

3) The new guy apparently deals in steroids (not sure where he heard this)

However, the reality is there is not much my son can actually do to stop her taking my GS on holiday.  That is a painful truth.

His ex can be very difficult and vindictive and my concern is that if my son carries on winding himself up about this she will turn nasty and make it difficult for my son to see my GS in future.  He is currently checking Facebook pages, texting everyone he can think of and sending messages to her demanding to know all the hotel details, questioning her judgement etc.

I am struggling to support him and validate him with this.  I am really concerned that he is obsessing over it which will trigger a meltdown which will then cause long term problems for himself and his son (who loves him very much).

Can anyone see this from a distance and help me validate hm and try to calm his fears as I am worrying too much to think clearly.  I have seen this compulsive texting and questioning of mutual friends before and it does not end well.

Thanks 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

Hi Dibdob59,

I'm sorry to hear that.

Does your son have a court order?

6-8 weeks for a 6 year old sounds like an awful long time for a child to be away from dad.

[lbjnltx]

Hi dibdob  

Gosh... .this sounds rather complicated... .dealing with 2 disordered people diametrically opposed to each other with an innocent child in the middle!

I guess the first thing I would need to determine is if your son's fears are well founded.

Does the ex have a history of putting the child in jeopardy?

Is this destination a safe destination for a child?

Will the activities the child engages in be age appropriate?

Validating his feelings can be done regardless if those feelings are well founded or not.  "I can see that you're concerned for gson's safety. I am too"

"I can understand why you would be concerned in this situation"  "I'm sorry you are so worried, it must be stressful for you, it would be for anyone"

Asking validating questions to help guide his decision making is where the well founded fears come into play.

":)o you think it would help if you offered her extra visitation days when she gets back from vacation if he stays here with you?"

"Sometimes it helps to focus on the goal and develop a plan to achieve it.  What is your goal exactly?"

"Can I do anything to help you sort this out and make a plan?"

"What do you think might change her mind about taking gson?"

Thoughts?

[NorthernGirl]

Hi Dibdob59. Sorry you are having these challenges. Your grandson is lucky to have you in his life (and concerned for his well-being). It does sound scary that his ex is taking your GS away to someone she has only known 6-8 weeks. I presume this trip is planned soon if she is asking for the passport.

I see Mutt and lbjnltx have asked some questions and I have some as well. Is your son in any treatment? Does he have a therapist he can talk with? What types of ways are you trying to validate what he's saying? In some places, you need both parents to agree before a child can be taken out of the country -- do you know the rules there?

If your son is still talking with you about all of this, hopefully you can listen and be an ear for his concerns. But if he has a therapist, the third party input might be better. 

lbjnltx provided some validating questions. If you'd like some more help with this, please let us know.

[livednlearned]

Hi Dibdob59,

That's a lot to deal with, having two BPD parents. I hope your GS is doing ok, and that he has you in his life.

Is there a custody agreement in place? It sounds like you might be in Europe? Where I live, it's tricky to travel without a child's passport (only by car between Canada and the US is it possible). If there is a custody order in place, you can also sometimes put an alert with customs/border control to prevent the parent from traveling with the minor child.

My N/BPDx husband tried to take my son to another state, and I was able to stop that from happening, but sometimes it all comes down to the dynamics of each individual person with BPD. My ex did not genuinely want to spend time with S13 (9 at the time), he was mainly trying to rattle me.

[Dibdob59]

Hi Mutt

My son' s ex has been seeing her new boyfriend for 6-8 weeks. She wants to take my GS away for a week.

There is no court order for either party.

Dibdob

[Dibdob59]

Thanks for the replies

lbjnitz

My sons's ex has no actual record with social services or the police, but she suffers from depression, is on medication, suffers from severe mood changes and spends many hours in bed while GS plays on an ipad to entertain himself. However he is clean and fed and the house is tidy so nothing for outsiders to notice as being wrong. She has apparently partied regularly since meeting her new guy and had friends over with plenty of drinking and photos pasted on Facebook while grandson was asleep upstairs.  I'm afraid that in the UK that is unlikely to raise many eyebrows or mean my GS would be removed from her care.

I couldn't comment if Ibiza is safe for a child.  It is a Spanish holiday resort well known for wild partying although some families apparently go there.  I am not sure how my son could identify what she will be doing with my GS while there.  If he asked his ex she would certainly be offended at being asked and refuse to answer.

I have already validated his feelings virtually word for word as you have indicated and appreciate your ideas.

Thanks for the suggestions to validate/guide his decision making:

- there is no way she would leave my GS behind as she wants to take him on holiday with her.

- my son's goal is apparently to stop his ex taking his son away on holiday (why he would want to do that is complex though)

- if I were to ask him if I could do anything to sort this out he would simply say "yes, go and tell her she is behaving irresponsibly and she cannot take my son away with a guy she hardly knows". He wants me to fix this so I try not to say things along these lines.

- nothing will change her mind about taking my GS away, that is one of the reasons she is going on holiday. I think the new boyfriend is the financial means of doing what she could not afford to do herself.

I feel so unable to validate him out of the cycle of obsessing about the disaster he thinks will happen if she takes GS on holiday.

[Dibdob59]

Hi NorthernGirl

Unfortunately in the UK there is almost no BPD recognition where we are.  My son is not in any treatment as he is undiagnosed.  Our GP and our health authority have virtually no recognition of this illness.  He has been treated for depression on more than one occasion in the past 15 years but that is all.

Either parent can take my GS out of the country hence my saying that in reality there is nothing my son can do to stop his ex.

[lbjnltx]

Tell me if I am wrong dibdob ... .it sounds like your son is jealous of the boyfriend and trying to control the situation to relieve his feelings of jealousy.

Is he usually controlling regarding his ex?

No one can validate someone out of their own choices.  Validation can help someone self soothe and create the head space for rational thought to come in.

A higher skill to use than validation in this situation may be S.E.T.

Make a supportive statement followed by an empathy statement and ending with a truth statement.

Supportive statement:

"I am here to help in any way that I am able and you will allow, we can get through this difficult time together"

Empathy statement:

"I know that having no control over where your own child goes and with whom is painful and scary."

Truth statement:

"Legally there is no way to stop her from taking him"

[Dibdob59]

Hi livedandlearned

There is no custody agreement in place.  They were never married and in the UK both parents have what is known as parental responsibility if their names appear on the birth certificate. That means that unless they have gone to court and and had an official order put in place outlining access arrangements (or refusing access) they share responsibility.

However his ex has on many occasions threatened to tell the police my son has assaulted her as she believes that will allow her to stop him having access to my GS (and she is probably right). That is her trump card.

There are really no grounds for stopping her taking my GS hence my struggling to validate and support my son in his fear and distress.

[Dibdob59]

Hi lbjnitz

He has no history that I know about of being controlling - however I know he is scared for his son as he is worried about the new boyfriend, his apparent involvement with steroids and the fact that his ex has known this guy for only 6-8 weeks before taking a 6 year old out of the country with him. He is also very agitated at the pictures on Facebook showing the boyfriend stripped to the waist and drinking in the house where my GS lives with his mum.  He cannot prove my GS was there at the time although he understands that he was asleep upstairs.

I greatly appreciate your S.E.T. statements as I don't feel validating etc come naturally to me.  It is heartening to know that what I have been doing is right as I have been saying very similar things to him.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi lbjnitz

He has no history that I know about of being controlling - however I know he is scared for his son as he is worried about the new boyfriend, his apparent involvement with steroids and the fact that his ex has known this guy for only 6-8 weeks before taking a 6 year old out of the country with him. He is also very agitated at the pictures on Facebook showing the boyfriend stripped to the waist and drinking in the house where my GS lives with his mum.  He cannot prove my GS was there at the time although he understands that he was asleep upstairs.

I greatly appreciate your S.E.T. statements as I don't feel validating etc come naturally to me.  It is heartening to know that what I have been doing is right as I have been saying very similar things to him.

When you've done all you can do and  you've done it in the best possible way then you've done all you can do.



lbj