Thinking about his words, cannot digest, thousand knives

[apple2]

Hey there,

recently mine contacted me. The more I talk to him, the worse I feel. I will go back to NC again. I don't know which kind of PD he has, but he used to abuse me with his words. When I looked back, I still cannot digest and have heartache.  

His emotion depends on mood. And the love/hate game is extremely often in our "relationship". Everything looks fine on the surface. He cooked, picked me up, wanted to see me at least 3 times during the week, always sent me SMS to talk, spent nearly every weekends with me together, shared everything of mine with his parents, had vocation with me, bought me presents and waited downstairs on my birthday... .appeared to be a perfect BF during the past half year.

Then came the sudden break-ups, without reason. Every time, he said something incredible and hurt me to death.

The 1. sudden break up:

"I won't marry you." (we were together for 2 months, I never thought about a marriage)

"I have no feeling for you. If I have, I would not criticize you for cooking etc."

"I'm not into Asian girls (I am originally Asian). If you want to date, you should find a guy like our colleague XYZ who shows interest in Asian."

"I don't love you, you cannot urge me to love you."

"If you are here, I feel happy. If not, I miss nothing. You are not important." (Although it was always him who invited me to do something with him)

"From now on, we don't need to contact or see each other"

The 2. sudden break up:

"You are not good enough for me."

"You need to know someone sleeps with you, does not mean he is emotionally attached to you"

"If you don't leave, should I call the police?" (Although I only asked for 10 min to calm down, because I had a meeting later on that day with my boss)

"Still no feeling at all"

"I don't want to pretend to be a good guy anymore"

"I stay with you more than 24 hours and can't bear" (although we spend more weekends together before)

the talk after 2. break up:

"I am a young guy, I need sex from you. I have bad conscience, therefore, I did all the goodies... .I just pretended"

"I will no more sleep with you"

"we can be together, but if I felt bad, I throw you out of the door at once."

"Put on your coat, now I need to go for coffee with another girl."

"How can I get rid of you?" (Although after the 2. broke up, I only contacted him once)

"I don't love you. If you say you love me, I would say ___ you"

"I only used you, manipulated you, because girls treated me too bad in the past, I want to take revenge."

"I think for all people, taking revenge makes them happy."

"I want to have you back but I will never be yours alone."

He broke up with me, recycled me, again and again, without explanation, without saying a sorry. I was tolerate, because I thought the words are not normal, he has PD, I should not take them personally.

He is so self-controversial. I felt being treated not as a lover but as a prostitute for the first time in my life. Even friends or colleagues who have open relationships or who are playboys don't speak like that.

In good times, I knew he has feeling for me through details, and other friends around us can also tell we were a pair through our eye contact. I asked him what did he mean by the bad words, his answer was he can't remember or he exaggerated or he only thought so at that time. In bad times, he said the good version of him is a fake.

I can't tell his true face in the end. Nor can I digest those words. I asked whether I am crazy and cannot tell a human being's feeling anymore. I asked whether he has PD or he is a real bad person? I feel fooled. I have a mixed feeling of anger, sadness and self-blame. How can I fall in love with a person like this? How can I not respect myself like this?

I hope everything was just a nightmare. After I wake up, it is gone.

[thatwasthat]

I'm on mobile, so I'll keep it brief.

He is definitely disordered, I don't think you deserve such a vile treatment (nobody, in any situation,  does.)

Block him in any way possible, no good will ever come out of having contact with him.

His self-assessment is most likely very precise: his nice persona is fake. He puts up this mask only as long as he needs something from you.

Definitely sounds like strong NPD traits, at the very least.

[Tim300]

I can relate to this story.  Thanks for sharing it.  Sorry you are going through this.

It sounds like you got blindsided and are now being too hard on yourself.  With more time and understanding of PDs I believe your "anger, sadness and self-blame" will turn to "sadness and relief". 

I would just go NC.  There's nothing in this for you.  This is definitely not someone you'd want to be the father of your children (from a genetic perspective or from a care-taking perspective).  This is not someone who is capable of genuine, long-lasting friendship.  There's not even a way to help him.  Perhaps the best way to help him is to go NC on him.

[apple2]

I'm on mobile, so I'll keep it brief.

He is definitely disordered, I don't think you deserve such a vile treatment (nobody, in any situation,  does.)

Block him in any way possible, no good will ever come out of having contact with him.

His self-assessment is most likely very precise: his nice persona is fake. He puts up this mask only as long as he needs something from you.

Definitely sounds like strong NPD traits, at the very least.

On the other side, he is a needy child, dependent, coming to move together issue in the first week (I refused), hypersensitive, often claimed to be got hurt by different opinion of mine or some jokes. He can still remember what his exGFs said to hurt him (even small things). But when he put an end to them with word abuse, they asked him to go to hell, he doesn't feel uncomfortable. Sometimes extremely happy, while other times depressed.

I felt I could never communicate with him so deeply as I wished. The conversation with him can never make sense. GO back to NC again... .otherwise I would be spiritually destroyed

[thatwasthat]

I'm on mobile, so I'll keep it brief.

He is definitely disordered, I don't think you deserve such a vile treatment (nobody, in any situation,  does.)

Block him in any way possible, no good will ever come out of having contact with him.

His self-assessment is most likely very precise: his nice persona is fake. He puts up this mask only as long as he needs something from you.

Definitely sounds like strong NPD traits, at the very least.

On the other side, he is a needy child, dependent, coming to move together issue in the first week (I refused), hypersensitive, often claimed to be got hurt by different opinion of mine or some jokes. He can still remember what his exGFs said to hurt him (even small things). But when he put an end to them with word abuse, they asked him to go to hell, he doesn't feel uncomfortable. Sometimes extremely happy, while other times depressed.

I felt I could never communicate with him so deeply as I wished. The conversation with him can never make sense. GO back to NC again... .otherwise I would be spiritually destroyed

You will most likely never have any real deep conversation with him. I wrote something touring the subject earlier.

They might open up a bit, might show you a weak side. But in my experience it is still not the full truth.

In the end... .The full truth could never be understood. Heck... .They don't understand it themselves.

[Tim300]

In the end... .The full truth could never be understood. Heck... .They don't understand it themselves.

Absolutely.  Mine did strange BPD things at times, like raging at others inappropriately, but would then (sometimes) have moments of clarity later and say things to me like: "I don't know how I could say such awful things to [person X], not sure why I did that," "Can you believe I called my neighbor a [******* ****], do you think there is something wrong me with," or "I am afraid I am pushing [person Y] away."  She didn't even understand her own behavior.