My mom

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi

I am always scared to post in here. My fear is my mom will find it read be hurt by it an kill herself.  It hurts so much to write that.  I just wish I could make her pain go away.  She is so stuck in her pattern it's just heart breaking.  She has OCD also so it is like BPD x10. It's sad she is in the process of losing her home and all her possessions and her husband and her pets.  She's a hoarder and pet lady.   There's nothing I can do for her except listen to her bent over and over I listen but I will not enable any scapegoating behavior.  After a time i am now having her sort of see what she's hiding from herself in our communications.  It usually comes with an extinction burst and then she breaks down crying and apills Her guts. It's soo sad.  Then she repeats the conversation from the start as if she is trying to rewrite it to avoid what we unearthed.  I sometimes find that triggering because she will project it into me if I become triggered by her.  It is extremely difficult because he is so triggering and I become aware of it but I try to explain to her the behavior rather than react emotionally. Then the story starts again from the beginning in an endless cycle untill I end the conversation.   

It is so emotionally draining and painful it takes me hours sometimes days to recenter myself afterwards.

[Blimblam]

Hi

I am always scared to post in here. My fear is my mom will find it read be hurt by it an kill herself.  It hurts so much to write that.  I just wish I could make her pain go away.  She is so stuck in her pattern it's just heart breaking.  She has OCD also so it is like BPD x10. It's sad she is in the process of losing her home and all her possessions and her husband and her pets.  She's a hoarder and pet lady.   There's nothing I can do for her except listen to her bent over and over I listen but I will not enable any scapegoating behavior.  After a time i am now having her sort of see what she's hiding from herself in our communications.  It usually comes with an extinction burst and then she breaks down crying and apills Her guts. It's soo sad.  Then she repeats the conversation from the start as if she is trying to rewrite it to avoid what we unearthed.  I sometimes find that triggering because she will project it into me if I become triggered by her.  It is extremely difficult because he is so triggering and I become aware of it but I try to explain to her the behavior rather than react emotionally. Then the story starts again from the beginning in an endless cycle untill I end the conversation.   

It is so emotionally draining and painful it takes me hours sometimes days to recenter myself afterwards.

[Turkish]

BB,

It's heartbreaking to see our parents, whom we think we should at least see as peers, sef-destruct like that. My mom's a hoarder and a pet lady, too. Her home, which lies in the mountains at the snow-line, is literally falling down around her. The inside is so disgusting that I can't bear to go inside, and I have a strong tolerance.

I accept the inevitability that I will be where you are at soon. She's 73. A tough lady, but still 73.

Two years ago, I found out that she failed to pay property taxes for a long time and amassed a $8000 back tax bill. About two months before my Ex started leaving me, I sent her $900 to get her out from under an eviction from her 5 acres and ramshackle home. I was very angry because her tax bill was only about $95/mo. If she had told me years ago, I would have helped, or even just paid it. She complains about her meager social security, though she chose to retire early. I often feel like saying, "how much money per month do you spend on all those stupid animals?" (Dogs, chickens, cats, and a poor rabbit who languishes alone in its cage... .at least predators ate the mean geese and she hasn't replaced them yet).

I remember talking to a friend's mom many years ago about my mom. Like my mom, she suffered from depression (not sure about BPD). She said she could understand my mom, because their way of thinking was to let everything come to a crisis point,.and then it was about survival, living on the edge.

Maybe I might let a bill slide due to procrastination, but I can't fathom that mentality, especially since I experienced it in childhood going through two foreclosures and then being homless or a form of that due to my mom's mental illnessess and inability to cope.

So what do you do BlimBlam? Can you rescue? Should you if you can?

[Blimblam]

All I can do is listen and help her connect the pieces that evade her.  She is really trying to understand.  Even as she tries to understand she distorts everything and then starts the story from the begining, obvious ptsd symptoms. 

I have been very very firm with her on boundaries.  I don't go into punishing her mode it's just when he does find a way to trigger me she instantly jumps on it and I end the conversation. 

It's sad to say but my mom is intolerable. She once while triggered kicked me out of her vehicle on the center divide of a freeway.

I don't know what I can do for her.  The way she's talking she might be able to get disability and I was thinking of talking to her therapist to sort of figure things out. 

I can't rescue her and I can't live with her. 

She has made some improvements with her therapy but nothing remotely close to a recovery. 

I can empathize with someone having their life fall apart.  In the aftermath of my rs with my uBPD ex my life unraveled heck my entire mind unraveled.  I experienced psychosis and I believe pwBPD are right on the edge of psychosis or at least that "the fear and loathing." Once I felt "the fear," it sort of changed everything and I can understand why somone could be unable to do something that seems very easy and logical. 

[clljhns]

Hi Blimblam,

I can't rescue her and I can't live with her.

You are so right. But, as I read your post, I can hear how much this pains you. What can you do for yourself so that you don't feel the pangs of obligation so sharply?

When was the last time you told yourself what an amazing, and kind person you are? You should, for you are! When was the last time you did something for yourself? Something that honored who you are?

Wishing you all the best. 

[Blimblam]

Hi Blimblam,

I can't rescue her and I can't live with her.

You are so right. But, as I read your post, I can hear how much this pains you. What can you do for yourself so that you don't feel the pangs of obligation so sharply?

When was the last time you told yourself what an amazing, and kind person you are? You should, for you are! When was the last time you did something for yourself? Something that honored who you are?

Wishing you all the best. 

Well last week I went to a funeral and I sort of realized how intelligent I can be.  I am not the most learned or skilled but I feel like I'm at a place in myself that I just see things other people miss. 

I enjoy reconnecting to my past and doing things for others. Part of my fixed personality yet at the same time I can seperate my identity from it now.  In any case my family across the country could use my assistance out there so I am planning to move out their for a month or two to help out.

[Harri]

Hi blimblam.  I don't have much in the way of advice for you, though I think you are in a very tough place to be with your mother.  I admire your willingness to help her, but I am concerned that it is so draining on you.  Again, I don't have any words of wisdom for you, I'm just telling you what I see. 

Something else I see all over the boards is you reaching out to help others and your sensitivity and compassion for them in addition to your insight.  I think you should include those things in your list of positive attributes.