Sexually Fantasizing About Ex

[mrwigand]

Okay, this is without a doubt the most embarrassing topic I've ever posted

So, I know it's been others' experience that your sexual relationship with your BPDex was frequently great (probably because there was a lot of amazingly passionate, intense makeup sex ). In the case of my BPDex girlfriend, I always had a very satisfying romantic relationship with her (I'm referring to both sex and intimacy). It was routinely the other stuff that tripped up the relationship.

Has anyone had the experience that after you've ended your relationship, that you still sexually fantasize about your ex for a while? And yes, I am talking about masturbation here . Sorry if this is taboo! It's definitely something I'm dealing with (wow, I just said that!)

Second question... .In some weird way, would you consider this breaking NC? Ha, I don't know but the thought definitely occurred to me!

[downnout98]

I almost posted something about this because you are right, the sex was amazing and I really do miss it. I think we had a connection like I never had with anyone else. We used to call it passion, but maybe it was passion because of all the drama and make up sex was a way to keep each other hooked. I wondered if it was really worth all the pain and recycling? This is usually what brought us back together.

[goateeki]

No, I don't. 

I don't in some part because the woman I'm with now blows away my ex in all respects.

[rlhmm]

eh for me... .i think of how she had really bad body odor when she sweat during/after sex.  also, she really had a fishy smell about her while i was copulating her from behind... .she showered and all dont get me wrong, everyday in fact. she was also physically attractive. the sex was decent i suppose. i think what made it good was she always wanted it whether i did or not. but when i think of how she smelled... .that is a huge turn off for me now. so... .no i dont fantasize about my ex at ALL sexually. the fact that she didnt love me either is a turn off as well.   just sayin... .

[clydegriffith]

Ehhh, i won't lie and say NEVER but in the past i did have some sort of fantasies about her in the way i remember her. All that has gone away though because she hasnt aged very well and is on her way to soon becoming as unattractive as she is on the outside as she is on the inside. I am very happy about this and wish her nothing but the worse.

[CloseToFreedom]

Interesting. First month or so I still thought about her while masturbating. I can't say we had a great sex life. We had in the beginning, but in the last year not so much. I also can't say she had a killer body or really tried her best during sex. I felt that most work had to come from me. But I missed her, I thought of her smell, of her body. I have shared 5 years with this woman. So yeah, I still got sexually aroused by thinking about her.

Now, less and less. I think it will fade, just like with any heartbreak.

[Maternus]

No, the sex was not THAT good. It was kind of porn star sex, but you don't want that kind of extra-histrionic porn star sex next to the bedroom of two children. And when we had sex when the children were not around it was mediocre.

[raisins3142]

Okay, this is without a doubt the most embarrassing topic I've ever posted

So, I know it's been others' experience that your sexual relationship with your BPDex was frequently great (probably because there was a lot of amazingly passionate, intense makeup sex ). In the case of my BPDex girlfriend, I always had a very satisfying romantic relationship with her (I'm referring to both sex and intimacy). It was routinely the other stuff that tripped up the relationship.

Has anyone had the experience that after you've ended your relationship, that you still sexually fantasize about your ex for a while? And yes, I am talking about masturbation here . Sorry if this is taboo! It's definitely something I'm dealing with (wow, I just said that!)

Second question... .In some weird way, would you consider this breaking NC? Ha, I don't know but the thought definitely occurred to me!

I'm betting this is common.

You could try distracting yourself with other stimuli so to speak.

Mine seemed passionate, but it was never really intimate.  And the passion was not particularly genuine.  She was acting like a porn star to get me hooked.  She also faked orgasms and lied when called out by me.  She played all the tricks that worked on some other men.  From what you will read here, it is typical for people with BPD to use sex as a way to control/manipulate/escalate relationship before you figure them out and they tend to view sex differently, and that is why they so easily have sex very early in relationships, have many partners, cheat, and go from one relationship to the next without a break.

Now, when I think back at the fake passion and think of how many men she did the same thing to (she was likely promiscuous in the past and had 2 STDs), it is gross to me.  I lost physical attraction to her in the last few weeks and stopped initiating sex.

So, I'd have you ask yourself.  How genuine do you think all of it was?  If it was not genuine does that bother you?  Have you been sexual with a number of more normal girls so you can gauge her better? (of course don't answer these here by text, just ponder them)  Greatest sex ever is not worth being with a disordered person that will drive you crazy.

[raisins3142]

eh for me... .i think of how she had really bad body odor when she sweat during/after sex.  also, she really had a fishy smell about her while i was copulating her from behind... .she showered and all dont get me wrong, everyday in fact. she was also physically attractive. the sex was decent i suppose. i think what made it good was she always wanted it whether i did or not. but when i think of how she smelled... .that is a huge turn off for me now. so... .no i dont fantasize about my ex at ALL sexually. the fact that she didnt love me either is a turn off as well.   just sayin... .

Mine had a sinus problem from infancy that her neglectful parents never had addressed.  This gave her horrendous breath and even her nasal exhalations reeked of infection.  I think it was normal to her and she did not notice.  I didn't say anything.  So, that was gross.

During a time when I really thought she might be cheating, her odor down there changed (or maybe I was that paranoid).  It took on a more rank smell consistent with a man (or men) "finishing" inside (which I did not do).  This changes pH and introduces proteins which change odor slightly, and I know the change somewhat.  Not proof at all, plus it is not the sort of thing that can be politely brought up especially to a BPD.

[raisins3142]

No, the sex was not THAT good. It was kind of porn star sex, but you don't want that kind of extra-histrionic porn star sex next to the bedroom of two children. And when we had sex when the children were not around it was mediocre.

Mine also didn't seem to care if someone heard her, and seemed to even relish it.  I have no idea what types of weird fantasies were going on in her head as she would not share them (probably too deviant).  She did tell one weird one about sex with a telepathic, anatomically correct male CAT (yes a bipedal feline from some sci fi book, and that is bizarre to say the least).

She was also violent and the first night bit and scratched me (without asking) until I bled.  Kind of appropriate for an emotional vampire to bite your neck the first night, eh?

[rlhmm]

eh for me... .i think of how she had really bad body odor when she sweat during/after sex.  also, she really had a fishy smell about her while i was copulating her from behind... .she showered and all dont get me wrong, everyday in fact. she was also physically attractive. the sex was decent i suppose. i think what made it good was she always wanted it whether i did or not. but when i think of how she smelled... .that is a huge turn off for me now. so... .no i dont fantasize about my ex at ALL sexually. the fact that she didnt love me either is a turn off as well.   just sayin... .

Mine had a sinus problem from infancy that her neglectful parents never had addressed.  This gave her horrendous breath and even her nasal exhalations reeked of infection.  I think it was normal to her and she did not notice.  I didn't say anything.  So, that was gross.

During a time when I really thought she might be cheating, her odor down there changed.  It took on a more rank smell consistent with a man (or men) "finishing" inside (which I did not do).  This changes pH and introduces proteins which change odor slightly, and I know the change somewhat.  Not proof at all, plus it is not the sort of thing that can be politely brought up especially to a BPD.

i hear ya raisins... .my exBPDgf's b/o was because of her heavy drinking throughout her life, now she was sober the last year of our r/s but thats not going to change her b/o overnight after years of alcohol abuse... .

[Maternus]

Mine also didn't seem to care if someone heard her, and seemed to even relish it.

Mine often said: "And now the neighbours are envy and smoke their post-coital cigarette."

[downnout98]

From what you will read here, it is typical for people with BPD to use sex as a way to control/manipulate/escalate relationship before you figure them out and they tend to view sex differently, and that is why they so easily have sex very early in relationships, have many partners, cheat, and go from one relationship to the next without a break.

I agree with what is quoted above. This explains why my ex has pretty much moved the new guy in. She already has her hooks in him and is controlling him through sex. What is hard to understand is how she can have this guy stay at the house while her 14 year old daughter is there. Doesn't really care what she is showing her daughter. And yes, she didn't really care about being loud either when kids were in the house. Sad really.

[downwhim]

Sex was great in the beginning or should I say first 7 years of our on and off recycle. He was intimate and very sexual. It was his hook and I enjoyed every minute of it. Last year since engagement was minimal. He had surgery and so did I so we were recovering. He would say I hope we get back to where we were but didn't try. He was more freaked out about being engaged and worried about that. Stress he said. I call that a cop out but at one time it was good.

Nope I do not fantasize about him anymore. Hardly remember his touch. I will say he was cleanly and so am I so we had an animalistic attraction to each other... .No std's or odors, just plain awesome sex at one time... .wow, wonder when that will happen again?

[Technique]

Sure the nooky was enjoyable, but over time I realised I was engaging with an empty vessel. It was in fact one of the first red flags I recognised. Zero intimacy...

[raisins3142]

From what you will read here, it is typical for people with BPD to use sex as a way to control/manipulate/escalate relationship before you figure them out and they tend to view sex differently, and that is why they so easily have sex very early in relationships, have many partners, cheat, and go from one relationship to the next without a break.

I agree with what is quoted above. This explains why my ex has pretty much moved the new guy in. She already has her hooks in him and is controlling him through sex. What is hard to understand is how she can have this guy stay at the house while her 14 year old daughter is there. Doesn't really care what she is showing her daughter. And yes, she didn't really care about being loud either when kids were in the house. Sad really.

A good prophylactic for this for me is to realize: sex is overrated.

It is amazing how many men in their 30s and 40s allow sex to ruin their lives (marriages fail, arrests, etc).

Once your testosterone levels drop a bit and you've had sex 1,000 times or more, how can you let it control you to such a degree?

If you understand yourself, it just is not that big a deal and an urge that can be controlled.

[nowwhatz]

Right now so close after the breakup I have no desire whatsover to fantasize about the exgf.

Plus she bleached her hair a hideous platinum blonde which I found really unnatractive on her. Not a surprise she lost 17 lbs since going back to work so her body is more attractive.

I can't complain about the quality of the sex... .it was the best ever and was probably the only thing keeping us together so long. Maybe not enough but it was good.

Keeping it pg13 I will never forget a sexual encounter with her that was the epitomy of our dysfunctional r/s.  At the end of 2011 I kicked her and her son out of my home. It was very dramatic and she hated me so much. After a couple of days she got into an apt with some help from her soon to be ex husband and I helped her move some belongings to her place. We hated each other at this time... .I had purchased a ring for her which she sold because it was "hers" and I kicked her out with noplace to go.

After we dropped the last item off in her apt she was seething. I tepidly said by goodbye and gave her a very tentative goodbye hug. Within 10 seconds we were on her couch going berzerk in some kind of sexual frenzy. Afterward it was like ... .what happened?  Still can't figure it out.

But now after so many negative incidents it is difficult for me to feel much attraction to her. Good riddance... .I hope!

[raisins3142]

Sure the nooky was enjoyable, but over time I realised I was engaging with an empty vessel. It was in fact one of the first red flags I recognised. Zero intimacy...

To Technique or others, what were the signs for you of a lack of intimacy?

For me, it was zero eye contact, keeping her eyes always closed, never saying anything loving or much at all, wanting it to always be rough and for anything I said to be non-intimate/rough, and her total lack of response when I was loving or gentle.

What she wanted is okay sometimes, but when it is all the time and your SO seems to have 0 boundaries, then it felt to me like I was helping her reenact past abuse or something.  And that made me feel awful over time.  No comfort.  I always had to be like the male character in 50 shades of grey and it was too much pressure and just sad in the end.

[anxiety5]

I don't think this is breaking NC, but it's not good for you. First off, don't think too much into it. It's completely normal. NC is an important tool to detach, but I think a lot of what I read about "if you reply at all you give all your power away" isn't really helpful advice. There is no doubt that NC should not be used as a means to control or punish. I instituted it when I asked for space and she wouldn't respect my boundaries. I changed my number. But in a general sense, this is a very traumatic time when one makes the decision to detach. We are told to self sooth and love ourselves, both true, but the last person we need to listen to at that time is our inner critic telling us we are weak if we cave in any way shape or form.

This is all not to say I don't agree with the principles of NC. I do. It's the only way. I truly believe you can not be friends with these people. They don't have any friends. Why would you be the first?

Now, let me finally get to my point.

Don't beat yourself up too much about this "urge" after the split. It's not breaking NC. Let's face it. 99.9% of life is a PROCESS. It's not a black/white. Ironically only our ex's are capable of truly splitting. Go NC when you know that you are being damaged. That's the most loving thing you could ever do for yourself. To protect yourself from further pain and neglect. JUST MEAN IT when you do. If you truly mean it, than chances are (in my opinion) they will be the last thing on your mind when you're feeling sexual feelings.

The intensity of these relationships is a level of obsession we will most likely not (hopefully) experience again. Those pathways within our thinking that lead to our reward zone are paved in cement after a relationship so consuming. (Hence the trauma bonding, and difficulty leaving what we know is bad for us)

Associations of this person, even in imagery, followed by sexual pleasure in MY OPINION are going to repave those same pathways in our brain between narcissistic/BPD ex and pleasure. It's quite easy to see how this is counterintuitive in the fact that going NC is instituted theoretically to detach and to dismantle these pathways.

If you are weak in any of the above, don't feel guilt or shame. Tomorrow is a new day, just keep making the same choice to reduce contact and the process will become your new habit and thus your new reality.

[downwhim]

I don't think this is breaking NC, but it's not good for you. First off, don't think too much into it. It's completely normal. NC is an important tool to detach, but I think a lot of what I read about "if you reply at all you give all your power away" isn't really helpful advice. There is no doubt that NC should not be used as a means to control or punish. I instituted it when I asked for space and she wouldn't respect my boundaries. I changed my number. But in a general sense, this is a very traumatic time when one makes the decision to detach. We are told to self sooth and love ourselves, both true, but the last person we need to listen to at that time is our inner critic telling us we are weak if we cave in any way shape or form.

Anxiety,

I think you meant to put this on a different thread... .we were talking about sex here... .anyway, I had what I believed was intimacy with my ex. We sat next to each other in restaurants, held hands a lot, looked each other in the eyes BUT, there was so much BPD going on in his head I wonder now what was real.

This is all not to say I don't agree with the principles of NC. I do. It's the only way. I truly believe you can not be friends with these people. They don't have any friends. Why would you be the first?

Now, let me finally get to my point.

Don't beat yourself up too much about this "urge" after the split. It's not breaking NC. Let's face it. 99.9% of life is a PROCESS. It's not a black/white. Ironically only our ex's are capable of truly splitting. Go NC when you know that you are being damaged. That's the most loving thing you could ever do for yourself. To protect yourself from further pain and neglect. JUST MEAN IT when you do. If you truly mean it, than chances are (in my opinion) they will be the last thing on your mind when you're feeling sexual feelings.

The intensity of these relationships is a level of obsession we will most likely not (hopefully) experience again. Those pathways within our thinking that lead to our reward zone are paved in cement after a relationship so consuming. (Hence the trauma bonding, and difficulty leaving what we know is bad for us)

Associations of this person, even in imagery, followed by sexual pleasure in MY OPINION are going to repave those same pathways in our brain between narcissistic/BPD ex and pleasure. It's quite easy to see how this is counterintuitive in the fact that going NC is instituted theoretically to detach and to dismantle these pathways.

If you are weak in any of the above, don't feel guilt or shame. Tomorrow is a new day, just keep making the same choice to reduce contact and the process will become your new habit and thus your new reality.

[downwhim]

opps, sorry my response ended up in the middle of Anxiety's thread. Sorry everyone. Just was trying to stay on topic and add a little... .

[Vatz]

I think most people have these kinds of fantasies even after the person is gone. Even when they're with someone, sometimes the thoughts and memories find their way back. That's normal.

There's a saying "if its mentionable, its manageable." You're in the kind of place where no matter how weird you think it sounds, someone will understand. Hell, there are probably people who have had weirder thoughts about their exes.

These thoughts come (phrasing, boom) and go. But like folks have said, don't read into it too much. Is what it is. Not sure if that helps.

[anxiety5]

I don't think this is breaking NC, but it's not good for you. First off, don't think too much into it. It's completely normal. NC is an important tool to detach, but I think a lot of what I read about "if you reply at all you give all your power away" isn't really helpful advice. There is no doubt that NC should not be used as a means to control or punish. I instituted it when I asked for space and she wouldn't respect my boundaries. I changed my number. But in a general sense, this is a very traumatic time when one makes the decision to detach. We are told to self sooth and love ourselves, both true, but the last person we need to listen to at that time is our inner critic telling us we are weak if we cave in any way shape or form.

Anxiety,

I think you meant to put this on a different thread... .we were talking about sex here... .anyway, I had what I believed was intimacy with my ex. We sat next to each other in restaurants, held hands a lot, looked each other in the eyes BUT, there was so much BPD going on in his head I wonder now what was real.

This is all not to say I don't agree with the principles of NC. I do. It's the only way. I truly believe you can not be friends with these people. They don't have any friends. Why would you be the first?

Now, let me finally get to my point.

Don't beat yourself up too much about this "urge" after the split. It's not breaking NC. Let's face it. 99.9% of life is a PROCESS. It's not a black/white. Ironically only our ex's are capable of truly splitting. Go NC when you know that you are being damaged. That's the most loving thing you could ever do for yourself. To protect yourself from further pain and neglect. JUST MEAN IT when you do. If you truly mean it, than chances are (in my opinion) they will be the last thing on your mind when you're feeling sexual feelings.

The intensity of these relationships is a level of obsession we will most likely not (hopefully) experience again. Those pathways within our thinking that lead to our reward zone are paved in cement after a relationship so consuming. (Hence the trauma bonding, and difficulty leaving what we know is bad for us)

Associations of this person, even in imagery, followed by sexual pleasure in MY OPINION are going to repave those same pathways in our brain between narcissistic/BPD ex and pleasure. It's quite easy to see how this is counterintuitive in the fact that going NC is instituted theoretically to detach and to dismantle these pathways.

If you are weak in any of the above, don't feel guilt or shame. Tomorrow is a new day, just keep making the same choice to reduce contact and the process will become your new habit and thus your new reality.

Nah, I meant what I said, it was asking if sexual fantasies were a form of breaking NC, and I was simply prefacing my point and view on NC and how I feel that any detachment from a relationship is a process, not an exact science. It's a road that sometimes you don't maintain perfect speed traveling down. From time to time you get stuck. The trick, is never turning around though and going backwards.

[eyvindr]

To each their own, as the saying goes. But for me, this sums it up: 

Greatest sex ever is not worth being with a disordered person that will drive you crazy.

And yeah, even if it's never as good as it was ever again, it's not worth it. Though, I tend to doubt that will be the case. Seems, when you're really in love with someone, the sex is always the best. Not worrying about it.

[eyvindr]

Hell -- there are probably people who have had weirder thoughts about our exes than us, too!

and  to phrasing, Vatz!

There's a saying "if its mentionable, its manageable." You're in the kind of place where no matter how weird you think it sounds, someone will understand. Hell, there are probably people who have had weirder thoughts about their exes.

[raisins3142]

I don't think this is breaking NC, but it's not good for you. First off, don't think too much into it. It's completely normal. NC is an important tool to detach, but I think a lot of what I read about "if you reply at all you give all your power away" isn't really helpful advice. There is no doubt that NC should not be used as a means to control or punish. I instituted it when I asked for space and she wouldn't respect my boundaries. I changed my number. But in a general sense, this is a very traumatic time when one makes the decision to detach. We are told to self sooth and love ourselves, both true, but the last person we need to listen to at that time is our inner critic telling us we are weak if we cave in any way shape or form.

Anxiety,

I think you meant to put this on a different thread... .we were talking about sex here... .anyway, I had what I believed was intimacy with my ex. We sat next to each other in restaurants, held hands a lot, looked each other in the eyes BUT, there was so much BPD going on in his head I wonder now what was real.

This is all not to say I don't agree with the principles of NC. I do. It's the only way. I truly believe you can not be friends with these people. They don't have any friends. Why would you be the first?

Now, let me finally get to my point.

Don't beat yourself up too much about this "urge" after the split. It's not breaking NC. Let's face it. 99.9% of life is a PROCESS. It's not a black/white. Ironically only our ex's are capable of truly splitting. Go NC when you know that you are being damaged. That's the most loving thing you could ever do for yourself. To protect yourself from further pain and neglect. JUST MEAN IT when you do. If you truly mean it, than chances are (in my opinion) they will be the last thing on your mind when you're feeling sexual feelings.

The intensity of these relationships is a level of obsession we will most likely not (hopefully) experience again. Those pathways within our thinking that lead to our reward zone are paved in cement after a relationship so consuming. (Hence the trauma bonding, and difficulty leaving what we know is bad for us)

Associations of this person, even in imagery, followed by sexual pleasure in MY OPINION are going to repave those same pathways in our brain between narcissistic/BPD ex and pleasure. It's quite easy to see how this is counterintuitive in the fact that going NC is instituted theoretically to detach and to dismantle these pathways.

If you are weak in any of the above, don't feel guilt or shame. Tomorrow is a new day, just keep making the same choice to reduce contact and the process will become your new habit and thus your new reality.

Nah, I meant what I said, it was asking if sexual fantasies were a form of breaking NC, and I was simply prefacing my point and view on NC and how I feel that any detachment from a relationship is a process, not an exact science. It's a road that sometimes you don't maintain perfect speed traveling down. From time to time you get stuck. The trick, is never turning around though and going backwards.

Reminds me of how 747s will only spend a small % of their travel time on the exact charted path (wind, etc causes slight deviations and constant course corrections, like driving a car on the interstate), yet still they have a habit of landing plus/minus 5 minutes of their scheduled time.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

Interesting topic, and one I have posted on before, (not sure if I started the topic, ).

As for fantasising about my Ex?

HELL YEA!

Hot sex was his drawcard, his way of love bombing me, (despite narcissistically sniping that a little sex wouldn't blow his mind  8:-as if it was I that was using it to lure him in).

In those first few experiences with him, he would insist on preforming oral sex on me for ages! I had to stop him because several orgasms in a row were enough already! 

Of course his behaviour changed after a short time when he began to devalue and discard me, and he would use sex, or rejection to punish me, among other abuses in his toolbox of tortures.

On the whole though, our sex life was always pretty good, in my opinion, and he didn't seem to disagree too much, often shared verbally the same enthusiasm with me.

Like everyone here, I really loved my partner, (him), and thought (before I realised he didn't) that he felt the same about me, so our connection seemed very primitive and also very passionate, spiritual and deep at times, whilst at others detached and impersonal like porn style sex.

At any rate, I haven't spoken with him since August last year, (his last point of contact via phone several times over our breakup). We have been apart since the end of March last year, with me being the one to finally call it quits, (of course he likes to say it was him that ended it) so coming up to one year and I am only recently not really thinking/fantasising about him as much. But if I'm really horny and looking for food for thought? He wins hands down every time, and I don't care too much since it is part of a grieving process like all the rest.

Again, like others here, I do wonder if I will ever meet another that I shared such intense chemistry/hot sex with, (damn it) and I must note that it had nothing to do with what he looked like, or what I looked like. Lets just say that whilst we were no Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, we certainly weren't severely beaten with the ugly stick either.

I noticed that some here posted about their partners looks or bodies or smells or body odours or conditions, and I have to say I didn't really notice things about him like that during the act, despite feeling self conscious about my own body, having put on weight during the relationship due to BP's habit of sleep deprivation. I also copped a fair amount of verbal abuse as punishment, (he would scream that I was a FAT C**T etc), but I never made mention of his bodily faults or skin complaints or anything remotely personal about the way he looked at all. I truly loved him warts and all, to my own detriment obviously.

I guess summing it up, a guy could be rated the sexiest man on earth, but if I don't have chemistry with him, looks aint no use to me!

I dream of one day finding a good healthy love, one I have great chemistry with, but despite being 46, I am not in a hurry after my experience with now exBP, that's for sure! Yea, I miss him and feel sad and nostalgic at times still, but I don't miss his particular brand of crazy in my life.

[.cup.car]

One of my good buddies signed up for a dating site she's on just so he could whack it to her NSFW pics.

He sent me one to justify his reasons and it sent me into a panic attack.