So you now know the truth... What now?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi Everyone 

When you hit a stage where you pretty much know you never want to take your exN/BPD back as he/she is not worth it, and you feel you have figured them out pretty much completely, where do you go from there?

There are times when I feel at peace and completely forget my ex (Which hurts at times because that's how she must feel about me all the time!), and there are times when I am really angry and upset!

Basically, she left me a day after I tried to leave her. Prior to that she was being really rude, codescending etc. On the day I tried to leave she convinced me to stay and help her with the issues she clearly had (the issues weren't known). Next day she broke up with me.

Also, we were caught up in a triangle. Her and her uNPDexbf and me. I guess it makes me angry that I was used in that triangle and she was so selfish that she fed me BS to keep me around.

I know she is not worth it! But why do I feel so angry? Why do I feel the need to tell her about herself? Is it ego? Is it immaturity? Logic dictates that I see she is just not worth it at all, and that her and her ex are as bad as each other and will both get what they deserve by getting back together, but I can't help but still be bothered by all this!

I just feel like my thoughts are muddled!

[GrowThroughIt]

Hi Everyone 

When you hit a stage where you pretty much know you never want to take your exN/BPD back as he/she is not worth it, and you feel you have figured them out pretty much completely, where do you go from there?

There are times when I feel at peace and completely forget my ex (Which hurts at times because that's how she must feel about me all the time!), and there are times when I am really angry and upset!

Basically, she left me a day after I tried to leave her. Prior to that she was being really rude, codescending etc. On the day I tried to leave she convinced me to stay and help her with the issues she clearly had (the issues weren't known). Next day she broke up with me.

Also, we were caught up in a triangle. Her and her uNPDexbf and me. I guess it makes me angry that I was used in that triangle and she was so selfish that she fed me BS to keep me around.

I know she is not worth it! But why do I feel so angry? Why do I feel the need to tell her about herself? Is it ego? Is it immaturity? Logic dictates that I see she is just not worth it at all, and that her and her ex are as bad as each other and will both get what they deserve by getting back together, but I can't help but still be bothered by all this!

I just feel like my thoughts are muddled!

[rlhmm]

i know those feelings well... .bottom line she set you up so she could knock you down just like a pinsetter. dont blame yourself!  this was all her and her bloated ego... .she probably had it all planned out ahead of time. nothing you could do being the empathetic "non" that you are.  learn from it! love yourself and dont kick yourself. its not in your makeup... .but it is in hers!  you cant read minds... .especially a sick one... .good luck on your healing!     

[rlhmm]

oh and one more thing... .silence is DEAFENING!  remember that.  let her wonder... .stay quiet.   

[raisins3142]

As Nons, we have this difficult relationship with reality... .meaning we force ourselves to live in it and for our emotions to conform to it.  That is how I am and it hurts when I am misunderstood or someone has a view of reality so different from my own.  It sets up a cognitive dissonance and emotional disconnect.  So, I guess that is a long winded way to say: we want to feel validated in our thinking.  We want validation about the relationship from the other person that SHOULD know it best, our ex SOs.  I struggle with this, viewing the relationship and the totality of her odd behavior from different angles... .I've been doing that tonight.  It feels awful and keeping me stuck.

So, how do we stop this?  I think I need more outside interests and connections to other people that are healthy.

[GrowThroughIt]

i know those feelings well... .bottom line she set you up so she could knock you down just like a pinsetter. dont blame yourself!  this was all her and her bloated ego... .she probably had it all planned out ahead of time. nothing you could do being the empathetic "non" that you are.  learn from it! love yourself and dont kick yourself. its not in your makeup... .but it is in hers!  you cant read minds... .especially a sick one... .good luck on your healing!     

Thanks for the words of encouragment!

It's hard to hear that I was just an ego boost for her! Even harder considering she told her friends and brother she really liked me.

I just feel like unleashing on her! Just to let her know that I know EVERYTHING!

[raisins3142]

i know those feelings well... .bottom line she set you up so she could knock you down just like a pinsetter. dont blame yourself!  this was all her and her bloated ego... .she probably had it all planned out ahead of time. nothing you could do being the empathetic "non" that you are.  learn from it! love yourself and dont kick yourself. its not in your makeup... .but it is in hers!  you cant read minds... .especially a sick one... .good luck on your healing!     

Thanks for the words of encouragment!

It's hard to hear that I was just an ego boost for her! Even harder considering she told her friends and brother she really liked me.

I just feel like unleashing on her! Just to let her know that I know EVERYTHING!

Them thinking they are so clever and master manipulators really is annoying because it is only partially true.  They are great when people are giving them the benefit of the doubt and before they have their number.

[rlhmm]

i know those feelings well... .bottom line she set you up so she could knock you down just like a pinsetter. dont blame yourself!  this was all her and her bloated ego... .she probably had it all planned out ahead of time. nothing you could do being the empathetic "non" that you are.  learn from it! love yourself and dont kick yourself. its not in your makeup... .but it is in hers!  you cant read minds... .especially a sick one... .good luck on your healing!      

Thanks for the words of encouragment!

It's hard to hear that I was just an ego boost for her! Even harder considering she told her friends and brother she really liked me.

I just feel like unleashing on her! Just to let her know that I know EVERYTHING!

fight that urge! dont give her the satisfaction of her knowing "she got to you". go nc!  STAY SILENT! that does more damage than you'll ever know to a bloated ego.  dont give her any more of you to abuse!

[GrowThroughIt]

As Nons, we have this difficult relationship with reality... .meaning we force ourselves to live in it and for our emotions to conform to it.  That is how I am and it hurts when I am misunderstood or someone has a view of reality so different from my own.  It sets up a cognitive dissonance and emotional disconnect.  So, I guess that is a long winded way to say: we want to feel validated in our thinking.  We want validation about the relationship from the other person that SHOULD know it best, our ex SOs.  I struggle with this, viewing the relationship and the totality of her odd behavior from different angles... .I've been doing that tonight.  It feels awful and keeping me stuck.

So, how do we stop this?  I think I need more outside interests and connections to other people that are healthy.

So true. I guess I just want to hear "KnowThyself, you're right. I did mess up and I am messed up. I'm sorry." Or I just want to hold up a mirror to her, regardless of whether she acknowledges it or not! It's weird in every relationship I have been in I have never felt the need to prove anything. I guess this one is different as I really thought we would be together forever! What a fool!

Maybe to an extent I still value her opinion... .but why? I know she is just not worth it, so if she is not worth her opinion shouldn't be either... .! Arrrgggh! My head might end up exploding!

[GrowThroughIt]

i know those feelings well... .bottom line she set you up so she could knock you down just like a pinsetter. dont blame yourself!  this was all her and her bloated ego... .she probably had it all planned out ahead of time. nothing you could do being the empathetic "non" that you are.  learn from it! love yourself and dont kick yourself. its not in your makeup... .but it is in hers!  you cant read minds... .especially a sick one... .good luck on your healing!      

Thanks for the words of encouragment!

It's hard to hear that I was just an ego boost for her! Even harder considering she told her friends and brother she really liked me.

I just feel like unleashing on her! Just to let her know that I know EVERYTHING!

fight that urge! dont give her the satisfaction of her knowing "she got to you". go nc!  STAY SILENT! that does more damage than you'll ever know to a bloated ego.  dont give her any more of you to abuse!

Simple yet powerful statement!

[Infared]

As Nons, we have this difficult relationship with reality... .meaning we force ourselves to live in it and for our emotions to conform to it.  That is how I am and it hurts when I am misunderstood or someone has a view of reality so different from my own.  It sets up a cognitive dissonance and emotional disconnect.  So, I guess that is a long winded way to say: we want to feel validated in our thinking.  We want validation about the relationship from the other person that SHOULD know it best, our ex SOs.  I struggle with this, viewing the relationship and the totality of her odd behavior from different angles... .I've been doing that tonight.  It feels awful and keeping me stuck.

So, how do we stop this?  I think I need more outside interests and connections to other people that are healthy.

Am I misunderstanding you? Are you saying that you are looking for validation from the person that your ex was lying and cheating on you with?   Or are you wanting validation from their past victims?... .

[Infared]

i know those feelings well... .bottom line she set you up so she could knock you down just like a pinsetter. dont blame yourself!  this was all her and her bloated ego... .she probably had it all planned out ahead of time. nothing you could do being the empathetic "non" that you are.  learn from it! love yourself and dont kick yourself. its not in your makeup... .but it is in hers!  you cant read minds... .especially a sick one... .good luck on your healing!      

Thanks for the words of encouragment!

It's hard to hear that I was just an ego boost for her! Even harder considering she told her friends and brother she really liked me.

I just feel like unleashing on her! Just to let her know that I know EVERYTHING!

fight that urge! dont give her the satisfaction of her knowing "she got to you". go nc!  STAY SILENT! that does more damage than you'll ever know to a bloated ego.  dont give her any more of you to abuse!

Not even one of your cells.  Guess what... .you make them powerless. The master manipulator (I say that as sarcastic as humanly possible), then has no power over you any longer. They can go get someone else to build their next triangle... .but at least you are out of their destructive, selfish energy.

They are sick... .if you go off on them, they enjoy your pain and the drama. Trust me, I lived it. Dumbfounding, mind blowing... .but oh, soo true.

Get as much support as you can. Therapy, self help groups, family, friends... .these situations are devastating... .but go in the direction of self love... .there is nothing in the other direction but games, ego and abuse. It hurts... I know... .but what are your healthy choices?     

[raisins3142]

As Nons, we have this difficult relationship with reality... .meaning we force ourselves to live in it and for our emotions to conform to it.  That is how I am and it hurts when I am misunderstood or someone has a view of reality so different from my own.  It sets up a cognitive dissonance and emotional disconnect.  So, I guess that is a long winded way to say: we want to feel validated in our thinking.  We want validation about the relationship from the other person that SHOULD know it best, our ex SOs.  I struggle with this, viewing the relationship and the totality of her odd behavior from different angles... .I've been doing that tonight.  It feels awful and keeping me stuck.

So, how do we stop this?  I think I need more outside interests and connections to other people that are healthy.

Am I misunderstanding you? Are you saying that you are looking for validation from the person that your ex was lying and cheating on you with?   Or are you wanting validation from their past victims?... .

Validation from the ex.  But past victims would work also.  My grammar was confusing there, my apologies.

[Infared]

As Nons, we have this difficult relationship with reality... .meaning we force ourselves to live in it and for our emotions to conform to it.  That is how I am and it hurts when I am misunderstood or someone has a view of reality so different from my own.  It sets up a cognitive dissonance and emotional disconnect.  So, I guess that is a long winded way to say: we want to feel validated in our thinking.  We want validation about the relationship from the other person that SHOULD know it best, our ex SOs.  I struggle with this, viewing the relationship and the totality of her odd behavior from different angles... .I've been doing that tonight.  It feels awful and keeping me stuck.

So, how do we stop this?  I think I need more outside interests and connections to other people that are healthy.

Am I misunderstanding you? Are you saying that you are looking for validation from the person that your ex was lying and cheating on you with?   Or are you wanting validation from their past victims?... .

Validation from the ex.  But past victims would work also.  My grammar was confusing there, my apologies.

Phew... .you scared my there! LOL... . You meant "OUR" EX significant others. I read it wrong! Sorry. Thank God you were not looking for validation from your ex's SO's.  LOL!

Well... .I got negative zero validation of any kind from my ex pwBPD.  She lied and blamed just like a 7 year old. (All while in the arms of her new supplier who she lied about cheating with etc. etc. etc.adinfinum).

I had a long road to recover from that abrupt, abusive change.  But in time I slowly realized that I was going to get absolutely nothing positive from that person and that absolute NC was VITAL to my sanity and recovery. Nothing heartfelt or rational can come from a mentally ill person. ... .

[apollotech]

Hi Everyone 

When you hit a stage where you pretty much know you never want to take your exN/BPD back as he/she is not worth it, and you feel you have figured them out pretty much completely, where do you go from there?

There are times when I feel at peace and completely forget my ex (Which hurts at times because that's how she must feel about me all the time!), and there are times when I am really angry and upset!

Basically, she left me a day after I tried to leave her. Prior to that she was being really rude, codescending etc. On the day I tried to leave she convinced me to stay and help her with the issues she clearly had (the issues weren't known). Next day she broke up with me.

Also, we were caught up in a triangle. Her and her uNPDexbf and me. I guess it makes me angry that I was used in that triangle and she was so selfish that she fed me BS to keep me around.

I know she is not worth it! But why do I feel so angry? Why do I feel the need to tell her about herself? Is it ego? Is it immaturity? Logic dictates that I see she is just not worth it at all, and that her and her ex are as bad as each other and will both get what they deserve by getting back together, but I can't help but still be bothered by all this!

I just feel like my thoughts are muddled!

KnowThyself,

I have been where you are at brother. I completely relate to your story, right down to triangulation with the exbf. You are giving your BPDex way too much credit. If you approach her with what you know about her and her disorder it won't mean anything to her. She will just rob you of the satisfaction that you were expecting.

Stop focusing on her. YOU were the jewel in the relationship, not her. Look at what you lost versus what she lost. That should clear your muddled thinking. Being afflicted with BPD is its own punishment.

[GrowThroughIt]

Hi Everyone 

When you hit a stage where you pretty much know you never want to take your exN/BPD back as he/she is not worth it, and you feel you have figured them out pretty much completely, where do you go from there?

There are times when I feel at peace and completely forget my ex (Which hurts at times because that's how she must feel about me all the time!), and there are times when I am really angry and upset!

Basically, she left me a day after I tried to leave her. Prior to that she was being really rude, codescending etc. On the day I tried to leave she convinced me to stay and help her with the issues she clearly had (the issues weren't known). Next day she broke up with me.

Also, we were caught up in a triangle. Her and her uNPDexbf and me. I guess it makes me angry that I was used in that triangle and she was so selfish that she fed me BS to keep me around.

I know she is not worth it! But why do I feel so angry? Why do I feel the need to tell her about herself? Is it ego? Is it immaturity? Logic dictates that I see she is just not worth it at all, and that her and her ex are as bad as each other and will both get what they deserve by getting back together, but I can't help but still be bothered by all this!

I just feel like my thoughts are muddled!

KnowThyself,

I have been where you are at brother. I completely relate to your story, right down to triangulation with the exbf. You are giving your BPDex way too much credit. If you approach her with what you know about her and her disorder it won't mean anything to her. She will just rob you of the satisfaction that you were expecting.

Stop focusing on her. YOU were the jewel in the relationship, not her. Look at what you lost versus what she lost. That should clear your muddled thinking. Being afflicted with BPD is its own punishment.

Hey Apollotech,

Thank you for those words of FACT! !

You're right, I need to focus on myself. It's unfortunate that I keep replaying things and looking at the replays from so many different angles!

A part of me just wants to tell her quite simply "I know!". But I guess it doesn't really matter if she knows that I know. The point is, I know and now need to heal from it all and become a bigger and better person.

You're right. I lost nothing. She lost more than she'll ever realise (which does hurt at times, the fact that she won't realise that). pwN/BPD are the ones that will have to live a hollowed existance. Us 'nons' however can hopefully lead more fulfilling lives!

[Deeno02]

I wasnt good enough, but I was good enough till someone better came along. I know, I know, dont feel that way, I know Im good enough just stating the facts as they apply to my situation. Its funny how they can just make you feel like a complete piece of ___, even though your not. So what now? Moving on, rebuilding my self esteem that wasnt the best to begin with(thank you T) and move on from there. Trying to stay off the BPD breeding grounds(online dating) and try to rebuild as I go.

[ripps]

Oh wow know thyself. Your story is eerily similar to mine. Wow. My BPDgf just broke up with me last night. Two days ago I said we needed a break at a minimum. She cried and moaned in a fetal position and I left. Two days later (last night) I go back to talk options and she's cold as ice, has my things packed and it's over. Her exNPDh was the basis of our relationship. Me helping her through his divorce abuse. They're not ever getting back together but when the daughter he was using to manipulate her went off to boarding school a month ago he quieted down and my usefulness vanished, she went on a devaluation campaign and last night blamed it all on me. All I can do is know I did the right thing by any normal relationship standards and offered to work on things given it was only two weeks of turmoil. Let her live with it / find a better guy who will take her bs. She won't. She WILL find a guy with more money which she wants which bothers me, because I know with money there she will hide her disorder a long time to keep the money. Bothers me because when she hides it she is lovely. Leaving I said "I hope you find a guy that makes you happy". She quickly / weirdly / happily said "you silly I don't want any other guy". Scares me she will be back. Sorry not much advice, I'm raw, this all happened last night. Any advice we can share together lets do so.

[apollotech]

Hi Everyone 

When you hit a stage where you pretty much know you never want to take your exN/BPD back as he/she is not worth it, and you feel you have figured them out pretty much completely, where do you go from there?

There are times when I feel at peace and completely forget my ex (Which hurts at times because that's how she must feel about me all the time!), and there are times when I am really angry and upset!

Basically, she left me a day after I tried to leave her. Prior to that she was being really rude, codescending etc. On the day I tried to leave she convinced me to stay and help her with the issues she clearly had (the issues weren't known). Next day she broke up with me.

Also, we were caught up in a triangle. Her and her uNPDexbf and me. I guess it makes me angry that I was used in that triangle and she was so selfish that she fed me BS to keep me around.

I know she is not worth it! But why do I feel so angry? Why do I feel the need to tell her about herself? Is it ego? Is it immaturity? Logic dictates that I see she is just not worth it at all, and that her and her ex are as bad as each other and will both get what they deserve by getting back together, but I can't help but still be bothered by all this!

I just feel like my thoughts are muddled!

KnowThyself,

I have been where you are at brother. I completely relate to your story, right down to triangulation with the exbf. You are giving your BPDex way too much credit. If you approach her with what you know about her and her disorder it won't mean anything to her. She will just rob you of the satisfaction that you were expecting.

Stop focusing on her. YOU were the jewel in the relationship, not her. Look at what you lost versus what she lost. That should clear your muddled thinking. Being afflicted with BPD is its own punishment.

Hey Apollotech,

Thank you for those words of FACT! !

You're right, I need to focus on myself. It's unfortunate that I keep replaying things and looking at the replays from so many different angles!

A part of me just wants to tell her quite simply "I know!". But I guess it doesn't really matter if she knows that I know. The point is, I know and now need to heal from it all and become a bigger and better person.

You're right. I lost nothing. She lost more than she'll ever realise (which does hurt at times, the fact that she won't realise that). pwN/BPD are the ones that will have to live a hollowed existance. Us 'nons' however can hopefully lead more fulfilling lives!

KnowThyself,

My friend you sound like someone that is mature and has a very good head on his shoulders. Congratulations, you just won one of life's biggest lotteries! You are dead on correct in many things that you say, and you were able to stand back from your situation to see what was going on. I applaude you!

The fact that you know that "you know" is enough. Knowledge is very empowering when coupled with wisdom. Bringing more pain into your life or you BPDexSO's life would benefit no one. I know that she hurt you, but intentionally hurting her will only bring more grief to both of y'all. You have chosen the correct path in not confronting her. That speaks well of you as a person. Sadly, she is ill.

I agree with you, they do not realize what they have lost. It is indeed a sad and empty life that they lead, a superficial existence. As I stated earlier, being afflicted with BPD is its own punishment.

[blissful_camper]

Hi Everyone 

When you hit a stage where you pretty much know you never want to take your exN/BPD back as he/she is not worth it, and you feel you have figured them out pretty much completely, where do you go from there?

Be thankful for the things you've learned.  Thank you world for providing what I needed to learn! (Morning mantra) Then imagine all of the wonderful things you can now manifest in your life. Things that might not have come into your life while with the exN/BPD. How do you envision your future? What steps do you feel you need to take to make those things happen?