Revelations about BPD, about myself and life in general - maybe it'll help you

[misty_red]

The last months I was a train wreck. It took me eight months to finally realize that I can’t have her in my life anymore. That if I let her back I’d have no self respect. Self respect I worked hard for in the last eight months. This is not actually about her anymore. I have forgiven her a long time ago, I even apologized for the things I did and yes, I also did some stupid things out of anxiety. I had these anxiety problems way long before I even met her, I’m an asperger. Asperger is no mental illness, but in the outcome I also hurt people even if I don’t want to. So maybe my ex and I were on the same level. The difference was I told her from the beginning, always talked about the way I feel and why I would do things I did and stuff. I tried really hard to make it work. I put lots of energy in this relationship I actually didn’t have from the beginning. I think the most annoying/devastating thing for me was that she exactly knew about my autism and would use it to hurt me. And I guess that’s also the changing point for me in all of this. That she took my weakest spot to hurt me.

PDs stem from some disbalance in the prefrontal cortex. This part of the brain is responsible for impulse control, sensory filter, processing/controlling emotions. PDs develop through trauma, asperger is a devlopmental disorder, it’s in some way inborn. But it also „happens“ in the prefrontal cortex. The same areas. Whilst the acting-out borderline is quite contrary to an asperger the acting-in borderline seems to be similiar in many things.I know lots of people who have been misdiagnosed with the one or the other. I’m not here to say that some hermit-borderliners might have aspergers, I just want to emphasize the fact that in some ways I was similar to my hermit-exBPDgf. And maybe that was the reason it took me so long to start letting go of her and made me fall for her in the first place.

A very common assumption is that aspergers/autistic people lack emotions, therefore empathy towards others. That’s not the truth. I don’t want to generalize, we all know that people are different. But it’s just not true. The problem here is that autistic people are very prone to sensory input. It’s very difficult to filter all of these stimuli, you get overwhelmed because you feel too much, it’s an overload. When this happens to me I shut down, it’s a shutdown – I totally withdraw, people think I don’t care at all and am a „cold hearted b*tch“. There are also people who „react“ with a meltdown, they act outwardly, have angry outbursts and stuff. I’m more the shutdown kind of type, but when someone prevents me from shutting down I actually melt down. This has actually never happened in the last ten years, but when I was a child it happened – I’m a high functioning apserger and am used to control my emotions now.

In this moment it feels like some life threatening situation. You don’t think, you just react, it’s an impulse. I won’t ever hurt people, I just want to get out of that situation. My mother always tells me that even when I was a little child I always acted like every little change of plans or unusual situation made me feel like it’s the end of the world. And that’s true, it still feels like dying though I now am concious about it and can work with it. Borderlines are also prone to stimuli and I think there’s something similar happening. Remember, it’s the same brain part. So I did understand my exBPDgf when something similar happened to her. The difference between her and me was that I always tried to fight against these feelings inside of me, when I felt like I needed to get away I ignored it because I didn’t want to hurt her and I also knew I wouldn’t die, the world wouldn’t end. I did it for her. I drained myself off of my energy and it left me a train wreck. But I felt like it was worth it. The thing which pi**es me off the most is that she was very concsious about her behaviour, she even knew she hurt me but she didn’t want to change it. That was the narcissist inside of her. I also get that, I do have this side as well but especially when that side wanted to get out I did the exact opposite thing because I loved her.

I also get the thing with object constancy and out of sight, out of mind. It might make me look like some crazy b*tch. I am able to experience love, to feel love, I know what love is but I need to be emotionally reminded that people exist. It sounds weird. For example: I love my family very much, I love my parents and my siblings, my grandparents and so on. But I always need to be reminded of that they’re there. I know they are there but sometimes I don’t feel it because I’m occupied with stupid worries and don’t have any other space left for other things. It sounds cruel, I know. Nowadays I am able to remind myself to get in contact with them becsaue then I feel my love for them, I am conscious about it. But there were times I wouldn’t contact my family for three months because I simply forgot emotionally about them. But whenever they reached out and I spoke with them and met them my love for them was still there and I was hurting because I knew I had hurt them before because I didn’t contact them. This also happened to friends. And even with a significant other I need something to remind me of them. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t fall out of love if I don’t see them, I always love them I just don’t feel it sometimes but when I’m back with them it’s still there – actually very, very much love. I think borderlines do experience it in a similar way. I don’t say that aspergers (I’m talking only about aspergers, not autism much deeper into the spectrum, because many of them suffer from intellectual disability as well) and BPD are the same. Aspergers is inborn, without core trauma (of course they are prone to PTSD and can develop core trauma later due to sensory issues) and BPD develops later in life due to trauma (of course there’s also some genetic disposition, if you are not resilient enough and stuff). But they stem from the same brain area (aspergers do have some neurological problems as well borderlines don’t have but for this post it’s not neccessary to explain them). ADD does as well, by the way. Did you know there’s a huge commorbidity with ADD and BPD and ADD and asperges? No coincidence I guess. Anyway. So whilst I’m not a borderline or narcissist I do understand in some way how they might feel.

And that was always the problem for me why I couldn’t detach properly. In many ways my exBPDgf and I were similar. And because of that I wanted to fix her, because I wanted to fix myself. It was not the mirroring which made me fall for her. I don’t fall in love very easily.

With this whole object-constancy-thing I think I know why many of them cut us off just like we didn’t even exist to them. When they ignore us and refuse to get in contact or give closure they can cut us off emotionally, they forget us emotionally. But when they are reminded of us in some way they can’t forget us. They try so hard to avoid us to detach and I guess that’s why we are a trigger to them. thay can’t cope with their emotions. This works also if you put it the other way round: some of them stalk covertly, show up at places we are to still be attached to us in some way, they want tob e reminded of us because they don’t want to let go (I guess this happenes when we are the ones breaking up and going no contact). Therefore I don’t think they never loved us, they did, but just very premature, like a child. At some age children lack object constancy as well, they need to develop it, tob e able to they need unconditional love. BPDs seek that as well, but a non can’t provide this.

And this object-constancy-thing was also the reason why I couldn’t detach properly. When she was still around covertly I couldn’t let go, I felt her. Now she isn’t anymore respectively I make sure now she can’t (it’s a concsious decision because I know I can detach properly if I won’t be reminded of her emotionally). And it really helps me. I know if I see her again I would want to be with her again. That’s why they say no contact and to burn every bridge to make sure there’s no way anymore. I hope she won’t reach out to me again because this would be tough for me. This is just one personal thing and not everyone is like that, but if I love someone I’ll always in some way. Not in a romantical way but as a human being. So when I’m reminded of them I still feel them, even after years. I’m just conscious enough about it to not reconcile because I know I’d fall for them again. Maybe that’s what happens to borderlines as well, I don’t know. I don’t want to justify anyone but I want to emphasize that some actions from a borderline might seem cruel and maybe some consciously are and it depends on how many narcissistic and antisocial traits they have. But I wouldn’t say borderlines are cruel, evil or antisocial in general. I also have a sister who suffers from BPD and I know her very well.

But nevertheless, this is also the reason why it would never work out with a BPD without therapy. Yes, it’s an acquired illness, but at some point there’s no difference between acquired and inborn anymore. At some point the brain is developed irrevocable. And then it’s only about how to cope with that. And I can speak for myself that it costs a lot of energy and effort to do so. Doesn’t matter if aspergers, BPD, NPD, schizophrenia, whatever. You need tob e very conscious about your state of mind to change things. And you also need to want to change things. My exBPDgf never wanted to.

So maybe this post helped you in some way, if not I’m sorry. But these are the revelations I got from my relationship. I learned a lot about myself and I think that these relationship are at least good for these revelations of yourself.

Remember: always value yourself like you value others. Treat yourself with self respect and remember: it’s not about ego, it’s not about winning or taking revenge. If you are able to control your impulses be happy. To have „bad“ impulses (like revenge and stuff) is not bad, it’s only bad if you act on them.

[Alberto]

I agree wholeheartedly with you. We are in a minority here, but I know they love. Primitively, possessively and egoistically, but they love. Love for them is life support treatment, but unfortunately, also the ailment.

They get so overwhelmed by emotions that there's no cognitive function left to process, or respect, other people feelings and needs.

Feeling so deeply, so obssessively, provokes a cascade of emotions that they try to put into submission because they know love brings pain in the end, and we know they feel happiness and sadness a thousand times more intensely than we do.

There were many little signs that confirm your thoughts in the time I spent with a BPD, first as a friend and later as a lover.

Like when she came to see me completely devastated for one of her many little problems but inmediately went into hypomania, convoluted speech, and giant smile when I told her I broke up with my girlfriend.

Or how the only thing she said two weeks later when i got a date was "this fast?" with the saddest face.

Or after months of being her emotional support she freaked out, looked to the ground and said we'll talk tomorrow and left inmediately after I told her I had just found my cat dead.

All that could lead me to believe she is just a bad person with zero empathy, but to me it's clear that they just can't handle love. Try to be understanding and forgive, this is an illness, an illness that will have me forever intrigued.

[GrowThroughIt]

Hey.

Thank you for sharing that. It was very well written and moving.

I understand exactly how you feel about, relating to your ex's BPD (NPD in my case).

I would fight urges to run and disappear. I was determined to make this relationship work. I would purposefully ignore any feelings of "Run!" not as in ignoring red flags, but just generally when getting close.

Me and her were both similar. The only difference is, I "grew" out of my NPD. She was still stuck in hers. And it hurts like crazy to think that someone who knew all this could then be so cruel to you.

How did you get past the feeling of betrayal? That she knew all of this and yet still behaved as she did?

[Copperfox]

This is great, misty_red.  And brings up some great points.  It is important to keep in mind that so many of the behaviors are driven by their internal turmoil, by disordered thought processes that may seem foreign to us.  Many things they do are simply efforts to avoid pain.  We are the collateral damage.  We try to understand through our own reality, but that's like looking through the wrong end of a telescope.

They do love, in their own, disordered way.  The more they care, the harder they push.

[2014]

Very interesting read and point of view, thanks for sharing. 

[raisins3142]

This is great, misty_red.  And brings up some great points.  It is important to keep in mind that so many of the behaviors are driven by their internal turmoil, by disordered thought processes that may seem foreign to us.  Many things they do are simply efforts to avoid pain.  We are the collateral damage.  We try to understand through our own reality, but that's like looking through the wrong end of a telescope.

They do love, in their own, disordered way.  The more they care, the harder they push.

Given their experiences/disorder, it seems for most people with BPD it is impossible to just relax and assume if they are with a good person and doing the right thing that everything will turn out relatively okay.  I think we all sense this and interpret it as we will.  It comes off as though they are hiding something at least a little bit all the time.

[misty_red]

First of all, thanks for the great responses.

How did I get past the feeling of betrayal? That's a though one. Hmm. I think it has to do a lot with forgiving. I think forgiving isn't actually about the one who's betrayed you. It's about yourself. You let go of the bad feelings because you no longer want to hold on, you no longer want to waste any energy into something/someone you know isn't worth it. And I don't even mean that metaphorically. There's just no use in putting too much effort in this, I don't have enough energy left, I need that energy for myself. It also has to do with ego I guess. You have to overcome your hurt ego. In some way we are all narcissistic as in a very human way, that's normal. If ego gets hurt we often get angry, feel like someone mistreated us, someone didn't respect us and yeah, they mistreated us and normally I really despise people who do that - that's my narcissistic side. But then again, I let it happen, I never put up boundaries so in the end it was at least some of my fault as well. Especially because I never treated myself with self respect, so in a weird way it's kind of logical if others didn't treat you with respect as well. I also let go of this, started to treat me with self respect and nowadays I try to think "If others don't treat me with self respect that doesn't mean I'm not worth being respected, it just means that these people have no sense for decency and humanity. It's a message about them, not me."

I believe when pwBPD are abandonded they either react with clinging or they start devaluing you big time. I think the latter has to do with how many narcissistic traits they have. I'm not an NPD but I got a narcissistic side in me. And I guess we all know the first impulse we get when we are being rejected: we try to convince ourselves that this whole thing wasn't a good idea from the beginning just to soothe ourself. We always say things like "Whatever. It wouldn't have worked out anyway, blablabla." We try to devalue an object/a person to not feel abandonded in some way, most of the times only for ourselves, we don't go miles to let the other know. That's very human and speaks for our very human narcissistic side, we protect our ego. But some people go way too far in protecting their ego. PDs are human traits in an extreme way. I also believe that when pwPDs are smearing and hurting us it's more about theirselves and that they want to convince theirselves that they don't love/like us anymore. Maybe it's like "If I'm able to treat them badly I can't love/like them." They want to convince theirselves that they don't want to be with us anymore, that's why they do all these bad things. It's more about convincing theirselves as convincing us. And I think that's the saddest part in this: they need to push away all their feelings, they need to deny their feelings to cope, to live because otherwise they'd feel like dying. While we all know that it's better to go through that pain, to acknowledge it, to take it seriously, only then we can move on. But then again: the easier way seems to be pushing all of the feelings away and also nons think so sometimes, they only have the gift to control their impulses and don't act on them.