At least you learn something out of this situation...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I mean... .you a least have learnt something about your self... .things that you wouldn't know if you did not pass into this situation... .

what did you learn ?   

[ImGoingCrazy]

I mean... .you a least have learnt something about your self... .things that you wouldn't know if you did not pass into this situation... .

what did you learn ?   

[Heldfast]

I have some codependency issues I need to deal with, some ego issues that I am still working on in terms of believing my own self worth. I still need to stop trying to fix things that I do not have the power to fix. I need to lose a little of my martyr complex, work on my patience, and realize that I am lovable for who I am, not because of some one's false construct of me.

[downwhim]

I learned, I have much to learn about myself. I am co dependent. I try and fix things to make everyone happy. I stay way too long in relationships when they are finished. I am loving, honest and kind. I mean well in all that I do. My FOO was totally dysfunctional and with way too many children for my parents to attend to, we raised ourselves in many ways. That adds to my feeling of abandonment which is also a co dependent trait.

I learned I do not like to be yelled at, emotionally and verbally abused. I also learned I am extremely strong as a person. I have values and morals and in my past relationship I upheld them. I had the strength to set boundaries and when that happened he left.

Being on this board and reading about others experiences has changed me forever. I look at the damage one person can do to another and I find I have compassion and love for others when they are hurting.

I am still learning about me and trying to figure out how to truly love who I am. The damage has been done, I was vulnerable and had no idea what BPD really was. Now with knowledge I hope to make better choices.

 to all of you for your great insight and for helping to educate me!

[clydegriffith]

I learned not to be so naive. For my entire life i pretty much assumed everyone was somewhat like me; good hearted but not perfect, well intentioned, etc. The entire episode with the BPDx has been a very painful, expensive, life changing lesson. It's changed the way i am and the way i see others and most certainly opened my eyes to the codpenedant issues on my part. That being said i would rather not have gone through this and wouldn't wish what i went through on anybody. It was so bad.

[Gonzalo]

I learned that not every problem someone has is fixable - the biggest thing that got me stuck in is that I kept thinking we could work this out, we just need to find the right technique. I know now that if she can't accept her issues, there's no way I can fix them, and she'll continue raging at partners and living in her constructed fantasy world no matter what I do. The end of the relationship was a real eye-opener, she denied that she broke up with me, and in some stuff she's written since has framed it in terms of us drifting apart, then one day I was gone - in spite of multiple major fights, me saying that I think the relationship is dysfunctional but I want to fix it, her telling me that I have unrealistic expectations from a partner, and so on. I didn't really fundamentally believe this was possible, now I know that it is.

I also have a lot of codependent traits that I need to be careful about, though right now I'm staying emotionally distant enough that it's not a big deal. I had a strong desire to find someone to connect with that helped me blind myself to what was happening, I think that is at a much more rational level now. I expanded my list of dealbreakers by a lot, and now have no hesitation about saying 'that stops or I go'. I realize that I can't rely on 'gut feelings' entirely - I never felt that she was lying or trying to be mean, which I usually pick up on, because in her head she wasn't. I also need to balance how deep inside my 'depression defense zone' I let the relationship lie - I put the relationship all the way inside, which meant my skills at shooting down doubts and insecurities were also aimed at all of the problems in the relationship.

[raisins3142]

It was a net negative for me, most likely.  What I did learn was that how to spot BPD and to avoid it.  Also, I figured out that a few other people from my past probably were BPD, and I somehow attract it and/or am attracted to it.  So, that is a plus moving forward.

Also, I'll never ignore red flags again.