I think I ended it righ?

[ripps]

Keeping it as short as can. For a year I have been catering to her every whim, apologising for things not at all my fault. Everything was about her, my needs meant nothing. Two nights ago I had enough. I said we have two options:  take a break while you work on how to value my needs (which I told her were three minor minor things) or we end it. She curled up in a ball crying and moaning so loud it was eerie. When I didn't consol her she asked me to leave. On way out I told her we need to make a decision tomorrow. Yesterday nothing from her. So because my stuff was there I sent her an email saying regardless I need to get my stuff. She said come over tonight and we can talk and you can get your stuff. Believe it or not my stuff was all there ... .already packed by the door. We sat down, she was as cold as ice. I told her I'm willing to take a break and work on things (yes, I felt bad, but was very ok with it ending). Well her response was nope it's over. I think I did it right by letting her dump me. I will go nc now, but maybe because she dumped me it's over?  But also, how the hell can someone go from balling / moaning to "oh I'm fine, get out now"?  Funny point:  she wanted a hug as I was leaving. I said no I don't feel comfortable with that ... .she yells " well I want one". I still said no.

[rlhmm]

  hi ripps. sorry you are going through this. to answer your question, there is no "good way" to break up, but it sounds like you went about it the right way and did it the best way possible. when things ended between my BPDxfiance and i she balled and cried so hard the likes i'd only seen from a little child. very eerily similar to yours... .i'll never forget it... .the next day is when i started getting angry texts... .anyway... .is it over? who knows... .but definitely go nc, take the steps to detach and protect yourself and dont be tempted to "check" on her. concentrate on you and distance yourself. block your email, social media phone all of it. if you are serious about parting... .this is what you need to do for yourself. best of luck to you!  be strong!   

[Home at last]

Hi Ripps. It sounds like your story is very much like a lot here. The 'curled up in a ball moaning' part is common of BPD people as a way to regulate emotions and fear of loss/abandonment is a huge one, as I'm sure you know. They can cycle through emotions really fast, from disappointment or sadness to anger and coldness in freaky time; and back too.

I had a similar issue with my BPDex when I broke it off with her: she had already boxed up my stuff. It's another defense mechanism I think. But yea, as rlhmm says, NC is HUGELY important if you're serious about it being over. You'll read so many stories of people here who got dragged back in, this way or that, things were great for a second or two, then bang! It all goes sour again. You can't count on her not to contact you or try to drag you back in. Life gets a lot better with NC

[Ripped Heart]

Ripps, I agree with rlhmm in that there is never a "good" way to end a relationship but from what you describe, you dealt with it in the best way possible and what felt comfortable to you.

The hardest thing I've come to realise around break-ups with pwBPD is that regardless of who ends the r/s, it could be that at some point you end up getting the blame for ending it. With my exN/BPDw, I stayed until she pulled the plug and over the past 3 years, I've been blamed for ending the marriage. It's funny because my ending was similar to yours, I gave her the option of taking a break before making a rash decision (she already had replacement lined up only she misinterpreted the signals) and after I left the house for the final time, I got angry text messages and emails about that I never woke her up to say I was leaving or give her a kiss and a hug before I left.

A week later, I got a call from my Therapist because she had called him in a rage. She actually blamed him for conspiring with me for me to leave her and that I was to never contact her again. 3 years on, I haven't but she tries to re-engage almost on a monthly basis (she took a break between June-December but started up again in January) but I've remained NC for 3 years now.

Like you, I thought it was kinder to stay in the abuse until she pulled the plug, partly because it felt easier for me to let go if she was the one who ended it and also given the rages and abuse, I was fearful of what may happen if I was the one to do it. To be honest, I actually felt a kind of relief when it was all over but also guilt for feeling relieved.

For you, it's time to take that step forward in your own healing now and start to rebuild who you are. It can be a very difficult process, especially when you have been so used to catering for someone else. I told my T the other day that some days just seem too quiet and I start to get a little anxious, like the calm before the storm. When it's too quiet, I'm so tempted to poke it with a stick because there was always so much drama going on, it can sometimes be difficult when you are no longer living in the drama. However, those are just thoughts and not something I would act upon, I wouldn't want that level of drama back in my life again  

NC is a tool you can use for your own healing to keep the drama from creeping back in whilst you heal. There are no hard and fast rules around it and it's a tool that is there to help us to heal, not as a weapon to use against our ex. In my case, I know that if I ever broke NC, it would unleash a world of hurt and pain. My T was actually the one who advised it after my marriage ended (he started out as my ex's T) and kept re-enforcing that the only reason she was reaching out was to take back control and unleash destruction. NC doesn't give me control over her, her actions, thoughts and behaviours are her own. What it does give you is control back over yourself.

It's a bold, brave step you have taken so now it's time to start to get your strength back and keep moving forward.

[eyvindr]

Hi ripps,

I'm sorry you're going through this. I agree -- I think you did end it in the most compassionate and honorable way possible. Nothing much to add here -- some eerie similarities to my experiences, too. And I agree with the others -- you've gotten un-enmeshed. Tricky thing about BPD is that, with most life-changing decisions, the hardest part is making the decision and taking the first step. But when it's a break-up with a partner wBPD, it's almost like the first step, while not at all easy, is less difficult than the next phase -- which is to find a way to really detach, to control your still active feelings of love, and your residual interest in her well-being. It feels so unnatural, but it has to be done or you will find yourself right back where you were before you left -- and have to go through the whole end scene again.

Sorry about the moaning and crying thing -- that's really an awful and disturbing thing to witness. I know the times I went through it with my ex, I was caught between wanting to just hold the little girl in her and rock her through it and let her know that she was safe and loved, and being repulsed by the sight of an adult so completely out of control of their emotions -- and honestly frightened by the rage she gave off. Very sad.

Hang in there.

[ripps]

Thank you all. I'm feeling better this morning and you really helped me last night. While she was cold last night she did cry at the end. I think that's a good sign that she won't contact me again?  Like you all I'm torn between wanting her to reach out just to know she wants me back (I wouldn't go) and wanting to never hear from her again. Also, I said at the very end "hope you find a guy that makes you happy". She quickly / happily replied "I don't wantbany other guy silly". Weird, she just may come back. ? 

[Heldfast]

Ripps, my response is straight out of Casblanca. Oh she'll come back someday, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday, and soon and for the rest of your life).

[nowwhatz]

Keeping it as short as can. For a year I have been catering to her every whim, apologising for things not at all my fault. Everything was about her, my needs meant nothing. Two nights ago I had enough. I said we have two options:  take a break while you work on how to value my needs (which I told her were three minor minor things) or we end it. She curled up in a ball crying and moaning so loud it was eerie. When I didn't consol her she asked me to leave. On way out I told her we need to make a decision tomorrow. Yesterday nothing from her. So because my stuff was there I sent her an email saying regardless I need to get my stuff. She said come over tonight and we can talk and you can get your stuff. Believe it or not my stuff was all there ... .already packed by the door. We sat down, she was as cold as ice. I told her I'm willing to take a break and work on things (yes, I felt bad, but was very ok with it ending). Well her response was nope it's over. I think I did it right by letting her dump me. I will go nc now, but maybe because she dumped me it's over?  But also, how the hell can someone go from balling / moaning to "oh I'm fine, get out now"?  Funny point:  she wanted a hug as I was leaving. I said no I don't feel comfortable with that ... .she yells " well I want one". I still said no.

Sounds like you did a great job! And glad to hear you are ok. Nice touch she is crying and then says its over and then wants a hug. Kudos to you!

[FlSunshineGirl]

I think you ended it the best way you could end it. I'm sorry for all you've been through. These relationships are very toxic and hard to disengage from.

I tried to end mine too quickly and it triggered his abandonment fears. Told him it was over and not to contact me again. He said, "No I will contact you!" I had to slowly disengage by saying I had a lot going on in my life (which was true; had two funerals to go to two weekends in a row and my cat was really sick) and tell him I needed some space to get through everything I was dealing with. A week later he was still angry I hadn't spoken to him and raged at me the day of one of the funerals. I finally said let's agree to go our separate ways and he agreed. It's been over a month and no contact. But we had done the on and off dance for over 5 years. He has already found my replacement. They are very sick people and are looking for someone to re-parent them. Often he told me he just wanted me to hold him like a baby. I fell for much manipulation and threats of self harm when I tried to leave in the past. He always promised to get help but never did.

They are not capable of a healthy relationship. I'm happier now than I've been in a long time. I plan on no contact this time. Something I failed to do in the past that led me right back into this sick relationship. Throughout our relationship in is emotions would swing wildly too. Crying one minute and then angry the next. It's a part of the disorder.

[FlSunshineGirl]

Also forgot to say... .he ended it with me one time and then a few days later I got an email asking if we could meet for a hug.

[ripps]

Thank you all so much. Heldfast, Casablanca cracked me up. Nowwhatz, thank you for the encouragement / positive vibes. Sunshine thanks for your kind words ... .and I hadn't heard "re-parent" before but that's exactly what it is!  You have to give everything to their problems and when you have any they look at you like a child like "what, I'm supposed to help you with this ... .im annoyed you even have problems, just take care of me!".  And the "hug" so much you think is just your borderline and over and over people say "yup, mine did that too". Uncanny. Every time my normal brain thinks "aww well she just wanted a hug" or "aww she had my things packed" I remember she is not normal. Thanks, I need all this today.