Push/pull... how can I stop the game?

[Sunfl0wer]

We still live together 2 more months.  My uBPDexbf keeps trying to "lure" me in by cooking my favorite meals, then leaving them in the fridge in hopes I will eat them.  It was his role to buy the groceries and cook and my role to do all the other chores.  After he declared us broken up, he has dropped his role cooking and grocery shopping.  He only seems to do these things to either punish or reward me, even though I still mostly hold up my end of the chores and he complains if I don't.  He says the reason is that he pays "all the bills" (not true) so I should do more, not my fair share, but more.

Well two wks ago he grumped at me for "eating all" of something even though I didn't t know I had because I had just a little each day, so how was I to know he didn't nibble too?  Then he would cook and not offer me anything and eat in front of me, then say he forgot to offer.  So I didn't want to be bothered and just started buying and eating my own stuff. 

So now there are my favorite meals sitting in the fridge and they have been in there several day and will go bad soon.  it is like he cooked them for me because he felt guilty, and he won't eat them, but he won't tell me it is for me.  It feels like a trick  like if they go bad, he will throw it all away, and say "see, you don't eat my cooking, it is a waste to share with you." Or if I eat it, "you eat my food, you owe me something."  Well, honestly, he wouldn't say the latter, but he would internalize it that way.  I feel like even me asking him about it is him seeking attention about it and controlling me in a way.

So I think because he didn't get the attention he wanted from that, he is pissed off and looking for another way.  Problem is, this is how an escalation of attention seeking starts. 

I feel like I should just play this food game as what he has next will be laced with more emotions for him than this food game.

Any thoughts?  How do I stop the game?  I'm trying to ignore it but by me not engaging, I see him getting angry and waiting to pounce about something.

Last night he went for a walk.  This is what he does when feelings of frustration overwhelm him.  I know it was because he saw me and my S19 having fun, playing a game and this made him feel left out.  So then he knows he can always get my attention if he picks on S, but last night I ignored his txt that S needed reprimanding, completely ignored it.  Now I'm afraid what is next.

How do I learn all these skills quick enough to have a peaceful two months?

[fromheeltoheal]

The healthy way would be to sit down and have an open, honest conversation with mutual trust and respect, but that probably isn't possible at this point, and if yours is anything like mine, it was never possible.  You might try talking to the folks on the Staying board, who deal with that crap full time; those of us on the Leaving board said to hell with it, too much work.  I've been in situations like that before and it's not fun, but you can use it as an opportunity to keep your center and do what's right in the face of crap, good practice for life in general.  Take care of you!

[Sunfl0wer]

WOW! LOL!  Fromheeltoheal, THANK YOU for your frank words!  Just what I needed!  I don't know exactly why, but after reading your reply I feel a weight lifted from me.  Maybe it is a glimpse of hope of the relief I will feel in the months to come without him?  Maybe I feel like I got a nice reality check and feel a bit more grounded?

Thank you for starting off by telling me what healthy looks like.  This is what I always thought healthy should look like.  I forgot about that Me inside of me that is there and was always there that knew what Healthy was but then convinced myself that it was an unreasonable ideal.  I think I convinced myself that Healthy was actually the fairy tale and felt as guilty for wanting healthy the way I felt his fairy tale was wrong/incongruent with reality.

Does that make sense to anyone?

It actually makes me want to grieve and cry a bit for the me that just wanted things to make sense and then got so confused by it all.  So I tried to integrate his "reality" into Reality, and gosh how that is a mess destined to failure.

Just the image of Alice in Wonderland comes to mind... .just as I've seen others here refer to.  So mixed up. 

Thanks for the moment of clarity! 

I still need some peace the next 2 months, anyone know how to handle keeping peace while waiting this out?  It feels like I'm forced to "play" or else I'll pay!

(Maybe I will check the other boards out... .not a bad idea too)

[fromheeltoheal]

You're welcome Sun.  When we get emotionally deep in these relationships it's hard to see the forest for the trees sometimes, but it's obvious to those of us outside it, and sharing that is what these boards are for.

It actually makes me want to grieve and cry a bit for the me that just wanted things to make sense and then got so confused by it all.

So you should do that, and while you're at it celebrate the fact that you knew what was real and what you valued the whole time, you just got lost in crazy, like the rest of us.  And an upside is once you take your life back you'll value that center more; we always value something we get back after we lost it for a while.

The Staying folks use tools like SET that I don't understand; I used the tool called screw it, I'm out.  Power to you for the next 2 months, and focusing on using the experience to see what you can learn about yourself and get stronger might make it fruitful if not tolerable.  Take care of you!

[apollotech]

The staying folks use tools like SET that I don't understand; I used the tool called screw it, I'm out [emphasis mine]. Power to you for the next 2 months, and focusing on using the experience to see what you can learn about yourself and get stronger might make it fruitful if not tolerable.  Take care of you!

Well said! That is the same tool that I employed! Thank you for the much needed laugh brother!

[Invictus01]

The Staying folks use tools like SET that I don't understand; I used the tool called screw it, I'm out.  Power to you for the next 2 months, and focusing on using the experience to see what you can learn about yourself and get stronger might make it fruitful if not tolerable.  Take care of you!

I know all situations are personal and individual, but I look at the staying board from time to time and the kind of sacrifices and changes people make to stay with somebody... .I don't know... .We all have only one life. To spend a big part of it trying to make somebody else happy enough so that they don't go crazy on you... .Not sure if that's a good way to live it.