Push/more Push. How to respond?

[Sunfl0wer]

(It was suggested for me to post in "staying" for more reply... .so hopefully... .thx)

(Also, btw, there IS so much info already here about this so sorry if this is redundant... .But I just didn't figure out how to apply this stuff yet)

.  Hi guys!

We still live together 2 more months.  My uBPDexbf keeps trying to "lure" me in by cooking my favorite meals, then leaving them in the fridge in hopes I will eat them.  It was his role to buy the groceries and cook and my role to do all the other chores.  After he declared us broken up, he has dropped his role cooking and grocery shopping.  He only seems to do these things to either punish or reward me, even though I still mostly hold up my end of the chores and he complains if I don't.  He says the reason is that he pays "all the bills" (not true) so I should do more, not my fair share, but more.

Well two wks ago he grumped at me for "eating all" of something even though I didn't t know I had because I had just a little each day, so how was I to know he didn't nibble too?  Then he would cook and not offer me anything and eat in front of me, then say he forgot to offer.  So I didn't want to be bothered and just started buying and eating my own stuff.  I told him he is welcome to eat the lettuce and things I bought but he seems to be intentionally not eating anything I bring into the house, probably because he doesn't want to feel dependent or using me in any way... .which is ridiculous because the lettuce will go bad anyway.

So now there are my favorite meals sitting in the fridge and they have been in there several day and will go bad soon.  It is like he cooked them for me because he felt guilty, and he won't eat them, but he won't tell me it is for me.  It feels like a trick  like if they go bad, he will throw it all away, and say "see, you don't eat my cooking, it is a waste to share with you." Or if I eat it, "you eat my food, you owe me something."  Well, honestly, he wouldn't say the latter, but he would internalize it that way.  I feel like even me asking him about it is him seeking attention about it and controlling me in a way, which is why I don't bring it up and act like I don't notice.

So I think because he didn't get the attention he wanted from that, he is pissed off and looking for another way.  Problem is, this is how an escalation of attention seeking starts. 

I feel like I should just play this food game as what he has next will be laced with more emotions for him than this food game is.

Any thoughts?  How do I stop the game?  I'm trying to ignore it but by me not engaging, I see him getting angry and waiting to pounce about something.

Last night he went for a walk.  This is what he does when feelings of frustration overwhelm him, so I know he was mad.  I know it was because, he saw me and my S19 having fun, playing a game and this made him feel left out.  So then he knows he can always get my attention if he picks on S, I have a hard time letting it slide and he knows that is an easy button for him to get my attention.  But last night I ignored his txt that S needed reprimanding, completely ignored it.  Now I'm afraid what is next.

(I'm kinda nervous with the weekend approaching as he doesn't have work to distract him and will be around the house with his thoughts more)

How do I learn all these skills quick enough to have a peaceful two months?

Am I supposed to be validating him?  What am I supposed to do or say so I can keep him from switching to escalating and angry?   Currently I'm just avoiding him in hopes he'll switch focus and forget to bug me.

(Oh, I should mention he is more a mild NPD/BPD mix and is likely in need of some narcissistic supply ATM.)

Thanks guys!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Wow! You're dealing with a lot of really frustrating and difficult issues.    It seems that he's really trying to get a reaction from you with the food game and you're sort of damned if you do and damned if you don't eat the food he has prepared.

I can see that he upps the ante with criticizing your son. Really, I don't think that you can control his behavior and prevent him from getting angry, but you can, as you're doing, try to avoid making yourself the target of his anger.

What would happen if you asked him directly "I really like those meals you've cooked that are in the fridge. Would it be OK if I ate some of them?"

What happens in two months?

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you for the understanding Cat Familiar!   

It isn't that I want the meals.  It is that he is using them to engage with me and trap me somehow.

I did eventually ask if he planned on throwing it away, maybe one of us should eat it, trying to sound neutral, trying to not acknowledge that they were meant for anything other than sitting in the fridge.  This worked, or maybe his focus shifted.

We don't talk much, which I don't mind.  But I feel like I'm waiting for a shoe to drop.

Should I be helping him keep a positive mood to keep the peace?

I'm afraid that by living together as roommates, not talking, he is going to not feel any narcissistic supply, paint me black, and things can get stressful.

Maybe I need to start a new thread

[Cat Familiar]

SunflOwer, I had to co-exist with my ex-husband for nearly a year while he brought home various women he was trying out as potential girlfriends. It was truly weird. I was just so relieved to be out of the relationship that I didn't mind, but still I was painted black. It's a difficult situation to maintain some semblance of friendship in your circumstance.   

[Riverrat]

Oh, I can so identify with the food behavior. dBPDgf brought home doughnuts and left them on the counter. Yesterday I asked if I could have one, as there's lots of eggshells around here.

She flies into a rage that includes smashing the package to bits, and throwing other objects around. I'm "too stupid" to know that either of us can have them.

Then complains that because I bought food in fridge, including stuff she loves, she's not eating of it and wants to buy her own food.

I left the premises--hours later when I return, order is restored... she heartily apologized, and we went out as loving bf/gf and bought a few things that we both needed.

Sometimes she will cook and eat for herself with me right there, ignoring me and never asking if I want any, and other times she will plan meals for us both. All up to her mood. Sometimes I find food in the trash, just because it suits her to do that. One day all the food from fridge was just laying on the floor in front of it. She was mad at something/someone.

The push is always difficult to deal with, and a living hell sometimes. 

[Sunfl0wer]

WOW Cat Familiar!  I am terribly sorry!  I can't even fathom that!  How traumatic that must have been!  How disrespectful to everyone!

How did you remain sane?  Calm?  Focused?

I don't even care to not be his friend.

I guess it is the PTSD in me that is hypersensitive to this anxiety build up that he is going through, over imagined stuff.

I just wish the tension in the house was back the way it was a couple of weeks ago.  ... even if that means finding a way to offer some narcissistic supply to calm him.

[Sunfl0wer]

Riverrat, I'm so sorry for what you go through.

The image of the donuts smashing brought me back... .  Once as a child, my uBPDmom was pissed at dad for bringing home stale rolls from the deli. She screamed like a mad person.  Threw rolls like she was going to beat him with them.  Then threw the rolls on the floor and stompped the damn things to death while screaming.  I will never forget that day.

He is an amazing talented cook and he knows that his cooking is one of the things about him that I will always miss.  I have some dietary issues and he has always done incredible at adhering to my many allergies even better than I can follow.

Throughout the relationship he has always used his cooking as a way to punish or reward those around him. If he was mad, had a rage, then felt guilty and wanted me to know he loved me, he would cook my favorite meals to try to lure me into thanking him and praising him.  (He really is an awesome cook so I'd have to tell him how wonderful his creation was and this would bring some positive vibes.)

Maybe that is why she got pissed at you for asking if you can have a donut?  Do you think she saw it as an insult for you to even question that they may not be for you?

(Not that you care, maybe you do or don't, I'm just learning all this and trying to understand it for myself)

[Sunfl0wer]

Well, I guess I need to pause and be grateful that he does not get physical or freak out as much as some other BPD persons. 

His tension, unpredictability and passive agressiveness is triggering my own anxiety so maybe I will just try to avoid him, do my own relaxation, then find some positive exchanges to share with him.  Sometimes he is stuck in the past, thinks I'm the enemy for no reason, and all he really needs to know is that I'm not the enemy.  I think I'll try to find a way to communicate something intentional to him that will let him know that I'm not the enemy. 

Thanks for hearing me guys!

[townhouse]

Hello Sunflower. I am very new here as well and in reading various posts I am constantly amazed at the similarities this BPD presents. (I suppose because it is what it is) Same, same but different.

This food thing seems to come up quite a lot. My SO cooks for me a lot of the time and I feel I have to share the meal as it is a way of sharing a positive experience. Whether he sees it that way ... .well I am not sure. So many things to think about aren't there?