" she had a grown son about 25 who was undiagnosed but showed many of the signs of BPD. after our break up, he disappeared, shut off his phone, closed facebook and went off grid. noone has heard from him. i hope he is getting help, he was struggling with himself and i didnt have the chance to tell him what was going on with his mother... .so i dont know. "
Wow, that's sad, I really hate to hear that. Years ago I held my mother responsible for my lack of being diagnosed early on with ADD and narcolepsy (which also had a large impact on my life), which she struggles with as well. Just in the last year or 2 Ive realized that she was unable to help herself, let alone anyone else. As far back as I can remember she led a miserable existence and its hard to hold her accountable as a mother when she really couldn't take care of her own day to day responsibilities. BTW, my ADD is diagnosed, but the narcolepsy has not been despite multiple attempts to figure out why I "LIVED" tired day in & day out. My mother NEVER would see any doctor so the only diagnosis she had was a silent one from the family, unofficially "bat-sh!t-crazy"... . :-)
In response to questions above about my relationship with my mother... .I didnt mean to candy coat my feelings for her above because, theres been more than once I have told people that she may very well be the most despicable human being I know. The things she has done to me, my sister and the rest of the family anger me any time an actual example comes to mind. I am fortunate (in this instance only) of having a VERY bad memory and it allows me forgive and forget more often than not. My mother benefits from this and has for many years so despite the shock of the above statement that is NOT how I view her on any typical day. She has been medicated for a year or 2 now and lives a MUCH more peaceful life
a nice senior home about 35 mins from my place. I try to focus on that person and not the VERY different one I knew for so many years that manipulated her way into mine or my sisters lives (after one episode or another that caused us to shut her out) for her own benefit & guilt relief.
Since I have already spread so much sunshine above I will respond with what caused me to be here. The final straw was that my own temper (BPD outbursts?) and shorter than normal patience for children (mine & my GF's) limited my ability to be father of the year (or even an acceptable father figure sometimes). My NOW exGF was a perfect match for me in so many ways, but my personal shortcomings stood in the way of us being together. She picked up on these and they scared her occasionally to the point of her leaving me. We would reunite and I would show my
$$ again and off she would go. I blamed her when it was really my own fault. I remember telling her so many times that it was rarely the argument or what it was about that kept me angry at her, but her disappearance and any additional time she spent away from me. From what I have read that is typical BPD. Finally she started seeing a counselor and realized what a F'ing jerk I am and left me for good. SO I have had an incredibly rough time accepting she will never be mine again. I love her like I have never loved another woman and feel her leaving me as a loss like no other. I literally feel incomplete without her and struggle day in and day out, even weeks afterward! She DOES care about me, but in the interest of maintaining the separation she has cut off communication with me. I don't blame her. So I am struggling with that still. I am handling considerably worse than anything else I have gone through before, including my divorce. Yes, I still have some guilt over my marriage too.
In addition to the above I realize I need to stabilize my emotions and learn how to interact during stressful situations with out losing my mind and coming off volatile or violent (which I don't believe I am for the most part, no more than any one else). I would like to gauge appropriate reactions for situations. I think the above will help me in day to day life in general, but most importantly with my own kids. I fear I have already pushed my own daughter away and slowly working on my son. They deserve better than what I grew up with. Luckily they live with their mother, but it doesn't mean I want them growing up without a father like I did (my mother pushed him away as well).
Well, that's quite a bit for a 2nd post so I guess Ill cut it off there. I would REALLY like to get into a support group or at least a chat room for one on one interaction with others with similar problems... .
