How did you get closure?

[Sunfl0wer]

Hey guys,

Just wondering if you could share some ways you got closure.

I don't mean detaching, I think that is clearly spelled out and something different.

In non BPD relationships I have gotten closure by making sense of why things were not working out.  This would either happen solo, or with the partner.  Usually, even if I thought of these things solo, I would then present my partner with my feelings, or vice versa.  A discussion would ensue, and there would be an obvious conclusion of some sort.

How did you guys get a sense of closure with your BPDex?  (As they obviously can't participate in this type of productive conversation exchange)

[PaintedBlack28]

Never got one.

I think it's safe to state that's a BPD hallmark.

[Gonzalo]

For me it was reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and a bunch of sites about BPD. It's as simple as 'she has a mental disorder that causes her to do all of these bad things, the disorder keeps her from acknowledging the disorder, so it's never going to get better, and it keeps her from talking about what really happened'. The fact that she can't have a conversation about the relationship and what went wrong serves itself as an explanation of what went wrong to me. I'm not on complete NC, and for me seeing some of the stuff she posts angered me at first but now helps with closure. When she talks about how we slowly drifted apart, and how she was completely surprised by the split, it reminds me that she's never going to deal with reality because there were a laundry list of signs that our relationship was broken (including me saying ''I think this relationship is dysfunctional and we need to work on fixing it" many times).

[enlighten me]

Do we ever get full closure. I would say no as there are always unanswered questions. We can get a sort of closure from just accepting they have a dissorder and no matter what we do we can never change ir. Another thing is to not seek closure but indifference. If you get to indifference then closure doesnt become important.

[blissful_camper]

He admitted to having major issues that replayed in romantic relationship settings.  Looking back, initially I thought that he simply had poor communications skills.  I didn't know that there was a disorder that fueled his destructive behavior.  Closure came when I fully accepted what I had experienced with him.  When I stopped questioning my experience ("He said he wasn't a cheater."  "Why would he lie about being in therapy?" ":)id he really do that?" "No, yes, no, Yes."  ) and accepted that those things happened, the closure came and the healing really began.  I accepted that this is who he is.  Severely disordered.  A life with a disordered person isn't how I envision my future. 

[paperlung]

Went NC with ex back in March 2013. 4 months later in July I receive this message from her.


"This may come as a bit of an unwanted, and I wouldn't even say surprise because I am sure you have moved on, but this message has nothing really to do with getting back into contact with you. I saw a picture of you in one of my old facebook photo albums and felt a bit compelled to write to you an overdue apology letter since i've grown quite a bit since what happened with us. I truly hope everything is going well with you and i'm sure it is especially since we parted ways. I had called quite some time ago and spoke with your mother and told her i was indeed diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder. I'm not sure she spoke to you about it, but i have a feeling she did. I feel like you've grown confidence since we parted ways because i tore you down and exhausted you when all you ever did was try your best to support and protect me. Sometimes I still cry to this day about what I did to you and i'm not sure when i'll ever accept it. Maybe never. I cannot take back what I did to you but I can write a sincere apology from my heart. I do not expect a reply paperlung. and if you feel the need to block this account too then that is ok. I am no longer in the camming industry and have a normal job as a housekeeper full time and volunteering at a farm I am no longer in (the place we both lived). I remember blaming you for not intervening when things started to get out of control with my job... . which was irresponsible of me, but at the time, I couldn't take responsibility for my own horrible actions. Maybe i'm more sentimental about these type of things than some people but I was your first girlfriend, the first girl you really gave your heart to, and I ruined you. I really feel you must be in a good place now and I hope your doing well in your school program and jake (my dog) is happy and healthy as well as the rest of your family. judging from your picture you look healthy and happy. You never deserved the pain I caused you paperlung. and I hope maybe you've found a girl that treats you right and I don't have any doubts you'd make her happy right back. Thanks for being there for me in one of the roughest times in my life and forgiving me when you shouldn't have. Thank you for the wonderful memories and your love.

Warm regards, ex."


Of course, this apology only happened after my replacement broke up with her.

[JRT]

Wow Paperlung... .If only I received that kind of email... .thats about as much closure as one could hope for... .I don't think that mine will ever be woman enough even to try to contact me.

[apollotech]

Sunfl0wer,

I know that this is not what you want to hear, but I don't believe the type of closure you're looking for is possible with someone afflicted with BPD. They are not normal; they don't experience reality as we do. You, as many of us have, are applying normal expectations to an abnormal relationship, the end of one.

I myself have never gotten closure for the demise of the relationship with my BPDexgf. Unfortunately, because of this missing finalization/realization I am still distraught over the termination of the relationship, not over her, but the relationship. The few times that we recycled, she always picked up right where we had left off, as if nothing had happened.

Closure simply doesn't play into their relationship dynamic. For us Non's it's sitting in our lap like an elephant. There are many days that I feel lost, foundered because of this. I feel like a linen attached to a clothesline blowing in the breeze. Applying what I know has not eased this feeling or brought peace within me regarding this.

I hope that you find what I have been unable to find. I hope that you have peace along your journey.

[oletimefeelin]

This really is an individual thing at the end of these relationships.  I think you learn the hard way over time that what they are saying is the reason for their behavior really isn't the reason.  It's a rationalization, something palatable for the outside world to make sense of the incongruity from moment to moment.  

For me, it was definitely about understanding the disorder.  Also, in the case of my ex, if you listen carefully every so often she'd pull back the curtain.  She told me at least twice while we were in limbo, "it scares me how much you love me."  Combine that with the weird stuff that happened immediately after the moments of closeness while we were official, and things started to add up.  Even still, it's very hard.

[eeks]

I am finding that "closure" is a process.  First, reading articles and discussions on this site, and posting and receiving support, truly grasping what it means when someone has a "personality disorder" (even if it's undiagnosed, seeing the traits and behaviours is in my view what counts) was one of the most helpful things for me.  That this person lacks a stable sense of self, and imagine how that must feel when intimacy with someone triggers the pain of that void, and it doesn't excuse the pwBPD's behaviour or its impact but it goes a long way to not blaming either myself or him and working towards being at peace with what happened despite there not being any closure.

So I was doing pretty good, then I got a surprise but not entirely unanticipated apology text.  I fired off a quick response saying that I "wanted to think about my response" but I never did respond.  That was Feb. 7 and although I never "formally declared" NC we haven't been in contact since that time.  Of course, the words of his that he was apologizing for were in relation to this weird dynamic where it seemed he didn't want me, but he didn't want to let me go either, and based on what I now know about the disorder I can speculate that even if they are the one who broke up with their partner, I can see why a pwBPD would not want to allow their ex to have closure (because the pwBPD wants to stay in control, walking the tightrope as they are between fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment).

 

Waited it out, and was doing pretty good again until yesterday I read a book called "Wired for Love" by Stan Tatkin, and I would actually recommend the book as having a novel and useful approach to relationships with people who DON'T have personality disorders, but reading this book and learning how couples can learn to soothe each other when their attachment fears get triggered... .he calls it a "couple bubble" and I cringed at the maudlin terminology but this really lovely idea of creating a safe haven for each other in relationship (p.s. it's not codependence because you're doing it for one another)... .and I had a major attack of the FEELINGS and IF ONLYs and WHAT IFs!   And ohhhh he's such an intelligent, talented sensitive person underneath it all and we could have had this emotionally transformative experience together but he's going to find some woman who's really smart and caring (and probably prettier than me) and they will be happy together... .



I was able to sleep on it, but if I needed to I know I could come and post here and say "Heyyy guys I'm having pangs of wanting to text him!   Help me ride it out!"

This detail is important because it seems these emotional pangs of longing precede "dropping" into a deeper level of feeling and processing grief.  Today I had an insight, he IS this beautiful intelligent talented person but he would destroy me, because he would destroy himself.  I cried and it felt good. 

[raisins3142]

'she has a mental disorder that causes her to do all of these bad things, the disorder keeps her from acknowledging the disorder, so it's never going to get better, and it keeps her from talking about what really happened'.

True words.

The disorder not only blinds them to it (how cruel) but makes them crave the attachment that triggers them (even crueler).

Can't imagine much worse.