Bpd/HPD and impulsive behaviour

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Have any of you had first hand experience on rushing into things to please an ex BPD? For example would you say getting pregnant after 2 months and moving in after 6 months is normal behaviour? And if so was it on their terms? What is the psychology behind this, are they merely chasing a fantasy, or do they rush these things when they feel the relationship is slowly deteriorating, what experiences have you guys had with this sort of behaviour, and what was the aftermath?


Thank you

[jammo1989]

Have any of you had first hand experience on rushing into things to please an ex BPD? For example would you say getting pregnant after 2 months and moving in after 6 months is normal behaviour? And if so was it on their terms? What is the psychology behind this, are they merely chasing a fantasy, or do they rush these things when they feel the relationship is slowly deteriorating, what experiences have you guys had with this sort of behaviour, and what was the aftermath?


Thank you

[jhkbuzz]

Have any of you had first hand experience on rushing into things to please an ex BPD? For example would you say getting pregnant after 2 months and moving in after 6 months is normal behaviour? And if so was it on their terms? What is the psychology behind this, are they merely chasing a fantasy, or do they rush these things when they feel the relationship is slowly deteriorating, what experiences have you guys had with this sort of behaviour, and what was the aftermath?


Thank you

Definitely fantasy:  before me, me, after me.  She told me as much - that she gets wrapped up in a fantasy when she first starts getting involved with someone.  She recognized that it's unhealthy but couldn't seem to stop it from happening.

The "rushing" things could be many things - lack of object permanence, fear of abandonment.  I moved in with mine after 7 months but I swear she would have liked to move in after just a few.  We used to joke that she was the gas pedal and I was the brakes.

She also talked about having a baby together pretty quickly.  Thank god we didn't.

Don't know about the "deteriorating" scenario.  More likely that they "rush" to ensure the bond - to guard against abandonment.

[jammo1989]

Have any of you had first hand experience on rushing into things to please an ex BPD? For example would you say getting pregnant after 2 months and moving in after 6 months is normal behaviour? And if so was it on their terms? What is the psychology behind this, are they merely chasing a fantasy, or do they rush these things when they feel the relationship is slowly deteriorating, what experiences have you guys had with this sort of behaviour, and what was the aftermath?


Thank you

Definitely fantasy:  before me, me, after me.  She told me as much - that she gets wrapped up in a fantasy when she first starts getting involved with someone.  She recognized that it's unhealthy but couldn't seem to stop it from happening.

The "rushing" things could be many things - lack of object permanence, fear of abandonment.  I moved in with mine after 7 months but I swear she would have liked to move in after just a few.  We used to joke that she was the gas pedal and I was the brakes.

She also talked about having a baby together pretty quickly.  Thank god we didn't.

Don't know about the "deteriorating" scenario.  More likely that they "rush" to ensure the bond - to guard against abandonment.

Thanks for the reply JHK, reason I asked was because, my ex craved a a baby (her 3rd child) with me after 20 months, I said not right now, as she refused to let me move in with her (she has a council house) but 3 months after breaking up with me, the reason because I wouldn't give her a baby, she gets pregnant 2 months with the new guy and 6 months later he's now living at her house.  It's almost like she rushed everything with he new guy for a distraction from reality.  The new guy doesn't work, and is still attending college (UK) so how are they possibly hoping to afford to feed 5 people, and on benefits?

[jhkbuzz]

Have any of you had first hand experience on rushing into things to please an ex BPD? For example would you say getting pregnant after 2 months and moving in after 6 months is normal behaviour? And if so was it on their terms? What is the psychology behind this, are they merely chasing a fantasy, or do they rush these things when they feel the relationship is slowly deteriorating, what experiences have you guys had with this sort of behaviour, and what was the aftermath?


Thank you

Definitely fantasy:  before me, me, after me.  She told me as much - that she gets wrapped up in a fantasy when she first starts getting involved with someone.  She recognized that it's unhealthy but couldn't seem to stop it from happening.

The "rushing" things could be many things - lack of object permanence, fear of abandonment.  I moved in with mine after 7 months but I swear she would have liked to move in after just a few.  We used to joke that she was the gas pedal and I was the brakes.

She also talked about having a baby together pretty quickly.  Thank god we didn't.

Don't know about the "deteriorating" scenario.  More likely that they "rush" to ensure the bond - to guard against abandonment.

Thanks for the reply JHK, reason I asked was because, my ex craved a a baby (her 3rd child) with me after 20 months, I said not right now, as she refused to let me move in with her (she has a council house) but 3 months after breaking up with me, the reason because I wouldn't give her a baby, she gets pregnant 2 months with the new guy and 6 months later he's now living at her house.  It's almost like she rushed everything with he new guy for a distraction from reality.  The new guy doesn't work, and is still attending college (UK) so how are they possibly hoping to afford to feed 5 people, and on benefits?

^^^ said the logical man. 

They are impulsive and wholly emotion based.  i.e. if it feels good in the moment, do it.

[raisins3142]

My uBPDexgf told me that she moved in with people quickly.  She only mentioned a few instances though, so she probably was hiding 50% or more of her past relationships.  So that was impulsive.  She was also impulsive with purchases and planning trips.  Also, she was impulsive when in social situations, or at least could not read them and did what she wanted at any instant without much thought.

[HappyNihilist]

Have any of you had first hand experience on rushing into things to please an ex BPD?

Well, the whole relationship was "rushed" -- very intense from the beginning. I even got scared and almost called it off about a month in, because it was too much for me. (He backed way off.) He told me he loved me after only a few days together, and when he saw my horrified reaction (which he often brought up to me later, in an accusing way - the first way in which I'd "failed" him), he played it off as a slip-up. And he was constantly talking about "running away together" - he wanted us to quit our jobs and move to Europe, and was very baffled when I thought that was a rash idea.

As it turns out, he recently quit his own job (a very good, very secure career of over a decade, which he claimed to love) and moved to Europe to be with my replacement. She has a good job there, though, and makes plenty of money, so he doesn't have to worry about finding work. I'm sure he's delighted with himself right now.

Don't know about the "deteriorating" scenario.  More likely that they "rush" to ensure the bond - to guard against abandonment.

I think so, too. This is a matter of emotional life or death to the borderline. It makes sense, within the context of the disorder, that they would naturally rush into "intimacy."

The beginning of a relationship activates the borderline's attachment system. This attachment system is innately conditioned to attach to the caregiver, and so the borderline connects his/her "good parent" images to it. The initial idealization phase of the relationship is borne of the borderline's intense need for attachment -- trying to fulfill those core, original unmet needs from the "good parent."