Minimize for me, exagerate for you.

[Notwendy]

Does anyone else deal with this? It used to upset me, now I just let it go.

If I go out for a few hours- " you were gone ALL day"

If I say I don't want to do something today " You are NEVER going to do it" ( black and white thinking).

If I say " I came back at around 4:00, he will say no, you did not come back at 4, you came back at 4:15"

My H goes out all day " It was only a few hours".

He wants to go out for the afternoon- I say "what time are you leaving?" He says "oh about 10 am". I say " Oh I thought you were going out after noon" and he says " I am going out this afternoon, but I have to leave at 10 am to run some errands before I can go so I'm only going out in the afternoon"

There is this wierd focus on precision- precision in his world. For instance, if he has plans to do something at 3, but has to leave at 2, then that hour doesn't count as doing something since his something started at 3.  If I went out and did something with the kids, and enjoyed it, then asked for some "me" time alone, he'd say " you had your time" I would say "but I was with the kids" then he'd say "well since you enjoyed being with the kids, that counts as your time.

Honestly, it's a moot point now, as the kids have gotten older. I get plenty of me time. If he wants to go do something on his own, I am actually quite fine with that. I just find this point of view to be strange.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bluejeans]

I can relate to this. It happens a lot. Most times I let it go since it is not worth getting into a discussion about. Sometimes I don't let it go - and regret it.

[Notwendy]

Yes, surely regrettable if we get into this.

I used to, when the kids were little. I think these statements come from my H feeling badly about leaving me alone for a long time. He struggles with this: "If I leave her alone, I am a bad H... but I really want to do this." So, by minimizing the time he is doing his own thing and maximizing mine, he somehow resolves this inner conflict.

If we get into it, it probably triggers some shame.

What has changed for me though has been a reframing of the r/s and my expectations. I did have some romantic vision of my marriage when I was first married of "My H, my best friend". When I see people post on FB about marrying their best friend - I wonder what that must be like.

I focus on what we do well together- co parenting, doing our part to run the family. I am grateful that my H does what he does, is a good father to the kids, and does not rage at them like he does with me. The issues that we have involve the intimate side of marriage- feelings, emotions, communication. We are friends in a sense too. However, when I thing of "best friend" it conjures up those friendships where you could tell your friend anything, and you knew they would understand.  

It still feels sad, especially after trying for years to talk to my H hoping he would understand, to let go of that. It just led to long exhausting circular taking getting nowhere.

I don't mind if my H spends all of a day pursuing something he wants to do, as I enjoy having the day to myself. Ironically, it now feels as if I am the one who doesn't have much interest in pursuing too much closeness or time together. I think I feel as if much of what I tried to do to accomplish that just failed.

[NGU]

This is a symptom I haven't processed enough yet. But yeah, I'm familiar. Black/white thinking, exaggerations, illogical/contradictory statements.

I get these a lot:

"I can never talk to you about anything because you always get angry."

"Oh, now you're going to hang this over my head forever."

"I never said that."

"You never told me that."

[OffRoad]

It happens to me frequently, so you are not alone. It's like the other person thinks that what they do doesn't affect anyone's life except their own, but what YOU do affects their life. I found I had to use a lot of extra words in those situations: I need to know what hours you are going to be away from the house so that I know: whether or not to include you in dinner plans; if I will be the only one available to get/drop off the kids wherever; if I have enough time to mop the floor, etc.

Or: I will be taking the kids to the zoo on Saturday. I will need some decompression time after that, so will you watch the kids after I get home?

I thought maybe he just didn't understand WHY I wanted to know or do something... .

[bluejeans]

One would think that explaining why would help but it doesn't seem to.

[waverider]

Used to get this a lot, but only a little now, or maybe I dont notice it. I just stopped arguing about it.

It comes from: it feels like you were gone a long time=you were gone a long time, so I have to demonstrate that by stipulating just how long it was. I am right you are wrong. You say 4pm so I say 4.30pm to show that it was longer than you said it would be...

If they were doing something they wanted to do, then they minimize it because it felt it wasn't long, and so have to state it wasn't.

They may seem to obsess about factual details, but this precision is often over selling accuracy to make it believable

[empath]

We have this issue, too. There have been times when I have had to leave for a work appointment, and he has shown up hours later. I can't leave because I have a child who has to be supervised, and he has committed to be home. When I bring it up, his response is that he didn't have to leave early.

This week, he said that he wasn't going to go to an event today, so I planned to spend some time with him. This morning, he decided to go to the event.

Sometimes he has been gone all day when he said a couple of hours; if I even have anything scheduled, he thinks I am abandoning him.

[Notwendy]

They may seem to obsess about factual details, but this precision is often over selling accuracy to make it believable

Spot on.

I also agree that it is to prove them right and you wrong. I think sometimes it is to "prove" you were lying to them, or fudging the facts - maybe because that is what they are doing?

To me, there is a time for accuracy and a time to not obsess over it. It you have a commitment- work, a plane to catch- 4:15 is significant.  Saying you want to take a walk at about 4 pm usually doesn't require that level of accuracy so my saying "around 4" is not a deliberate fudging of the facts but an indication that around 4 is fine.

This kind of thing results in some strange conversations. The other day he had bought some extra groceries ( I told you he likes to have his own supply of things he likes to eat) . So he said- here I have some extra- and left them on the counter. I said thank you. Then when I noticed it was something he doesn't usually buy, I asked " why did you buy this ? " to which the reply was " I already told you I gave you this, and you acknowleged it" ( ie you were not listening to me) So, I affirmed his statement and said " Yes, thank you, I was just curious why you chose a different brand".

I wasn't that big a deal to me. Sometimes it is just making conversation to say " why this brand? " ( ie maybe it is on sale) or "I went for a walk at about 3 "... .and somehow this becomes " I didn't listen to you, or appreciate you" "I'm abandoning you" or "lying to you".

[Jessica84]

Ugh. The nevers and the always... .I don't understand the BPD filter. I'm trying, but my brain fries. I wish they would create an iphone app for BPD translation - where we could type in what we want to say, and the phone translates it thru the filter and tells us how to say it. I'd pay for that!

"Why did you buy this?" ==> "Thanks honey! I so appreciate how you're always thinking of me. I'm never ever ever leaving you!"

"I went for a walk at about 3" ==> "I left around 3 but feels like 100 years ago. You must be starving."

I'm sure those are bad translations. Obviously, I won't be creating the app.

[Notwendy]

Actually, I think you did pretty well. It makes me crazy that just having an ordinary discussion over groceries, planning a vacation, just about anything can be triggering.

I would pay for an app that translates!

[Jessica84]

Agreed. Just when I think it's safe, things are calm and relaxed, I slip up and say something stupid that triggers him... like "hi".

Seriously, it could be anything. If his football team is down, any comment I make is going to heat him up. Same if his shoulder hurts, someone cuts him off in traffic, my phone is on silent so I miss his call, ISIS just murdered someone ~~~> thru his filter, almost anything I say could be twisted into your team sucks, quit whining about your shoulder, your driving is awful, I hate you and never want to speak to you again, the guy ISIS killed had it coming.

Some days I question whether I really am this evil? Then I pause and remember I'm not actually the devil. Yep, I need an app. 

[Enoch]

I focus on what we do well together- co parenting, doing our part to run the family. I am grateful that my H does what he does, is a good father to the kids, and does not rage at them like he does with me. The issues that we have involve the intimate side of marriage- feelings, emotions, communication. We are friends in a sense too. However, when I thing of "best friend" it conjures up those friendships where you could tell your friend anything, and you knew they would understand.  

It still feels sad, especially after trying for years to talk to my H hoping he would understand, to let go of that. It just led to long exhausting circular taking getting nowhere.

I was just thinking about this issue today... .of not being able to really talk to my DBPDW. I can (and do) listen extensively to her. Details about her day, how she's feeling, frustrations she has with people including me... .she can ramble on for minutes without stopping... .and if I have any input it's like I wasn't even there. (Now, it is quite a different story if I try to constructively join the conversation... .this leads to an argument or worse) So, I've learned to listen.

Here is my sadness though... .I really have no one to share my hopes, dreams, and hurts with. I want to share these with the people I am closest to, which would be my family and my wife... .but I cannot share them without risk. I don't want to place my adult children (we have five children and four of them are adults) in a compromising position where they have to be super careful what they talk about with their mom. They know about the diagnosis but haven't accepted the idea that their mom is mentally ill though they would be the first to tell you that she is unstable emotionally and very hard to spend time with.

Example: Lets say I went to a really great restaurant or a concert while traveling for business. I cannot verbally share that experience with my wife... .she immediately gets jealous and says hurtful things imbedded with guilt trips. I cannot share that experience with my children for they may inadvertently talk about it with their mom... .and since she didn't hear it from me... .now all of us have a problem.

This issue is really frustrating for me and I don't know what to do with it. The situation sounds a lot like yours too NotWendy

[Notwendy]

It's good that you don't share things with the kids. I was parentified. Mom ( with BPD) would confide in me - things that you do not say to a child- even an older one. A child can not take the place of a spouse emotionally, even if nothing inapropriate is said or done. So it's good that you don't share with them, even if it is just about a restaurant, because they can pick up on the loneliness.

I don't share my world with my kids- unless it relates to something they are interested in. I do share their world- let them tell me about friends, schools, the latest movies or rock singers, but I know that I am not their peer. They hear nothing about my relationship but I do not hide that I get help for co-dependency. I don't discuss their father's business.

Yes, it gets lonely. My 12 step groups, sponsor are there if I need to talk. I don't have a problem sharing something like eating at a good restaurant, but more like sharing my feelings. It is far too triggering.