My heart goes out to everyone here. I know how deeply you have suffered.

[Teresa Lynne]

Hi There,

My heart goes out to everyone here.  I know how deeply you have suffered.

There is a lot of misinformation out there. While people with the traits and symptoms of so called BPD can be confounding, painful and hard to live with  until you understand what to do, it is very treatable.  I am reading through some of these posts and it seems to me that there is a co-occurring and much worse issue which is narcissistic personality disorder, which is not  the same thing as BPD.

I suffered from BPD as a parent and my kids would describe me as loving, fun and very caring about their feelings.  Obviously, when highly distressed and traumas were triggered I didn't handle things well, but I certainly took responsibility. NPD parents do not do that.  They are incapable of empathy, compassion and are always the victim in every situation. It is not possible for them to integrate your experience into theirs. 

I am a DBT skills training and life coach who has done trauma and healing recovery work for years.  I work with families and those suffering and I know the difference with what you are dealing with.  I have BPD clients who are so wonderful and kind and do not fit the description above.  They are very shamed by their inability to control their emotions and work hard to correct it.  They deserve a lot of compassion.  This is a very painful condition.

There are separate ways of dealing with BPD and NPD so you must discern that.  My mother was a narcissist but she didn't have BPD.  It was hell so I know what you are talking about. 

I highly suggest you get into treatment to clear trauma such as energy psychology, HeartMath and transformational coaching.  Sending love and light.

[waverider]

yep NPD is much harder as admitting they have a problem is major hurdle. It is bad enough for pwBPD. Those that you encounter in a DBT course are already part way down the path having overcome that hurdle. There is huge body of suffers out there with both disorders who have either never been diagnosed or wont accept they have something to treat.

DBT, or other methods, has a high success rate for those who attend, and stick to it. Its getting to that stage in the first part that brings most folks here.

Support forums will always show the struggle side of the problem as that is when people need to talk more.

[Harri]

Teresa Lynne, hello.  I am glad you have worked through your BPD issues and are able to use your personal experience and training to help others with BPD.

I think waverider brought up a very important point here:

Those that you encounter in a DBT course are already part way down the path having overcome that hurdle

That is a HUGE difference.  Another thing to consider is the difference between inward acting and outward acting BPDs.  There is a huge difference in how they present, in addition to the damage they inflict on others, and it is my unprofessional opinion that those pwBPD who seek help are more often inward acting. 

I do agree with you when you say some of the behaviors talked about here are more of the NPD variety, but given the fact that there is frequently more than one disorder going on, it is not surprising.    Also, we here need a place to work things through just like you did when you were being treated and just like your clients do.  I would say you and your children are lucky if they can describe you as fun, loving and caring.  Not all people with BPD are capable of taking responsibility for their behaviors and not all are loving and caring so I am very glad that you and your children had a different experience.

Have you ever read the books "understanding the Borderline Mother" and "Surviving a Borderline parent"?  You might want to to gain a broader perspective and understanding of a BPD parent.

Be well.

[clljhns]

Hi Teresa Lynne,

I want to join waverider and Harri in the thread here. I am so happy for you that you have done the hard work on your BPD issues and are a life coach for so many who need your help. I am confident that you provide a great deal of support and guidance to those who need help in regulating their emotions and taking responsibility for their misdeeds.

I would agree that NPD's do not admit their faults or any wrong they perpetrated against another. However, not all BPD's can see their part in the problem. In many cases they are so embroiled in their own needs and desires, that they are not able to see the impact of their actions on another person. As a child of a parent with BPD, I was never once offered an apology for the abuse by my mother or father. My mother was very much aware that my father was sexually abusing me, and she did nothing to stop it. In fact, she aided him. While she revealed this secret to my sisters, she offered no apology for what happened, showed no remorse, and in fact later denied having ever said it.

I do not try to understand her motives behind why she did what she to me as a child, nor do I pretend to understand why she now denies it. What I do know is that she never apologized for her actions, never took responsibility for her actions, and wants nothing to do with her children, except the one sister who is willing to support her fantasy that she is a good mother.

I am not vilifying my mother, only talking about her actions. She is the responsible party here, not me. I am not obligated to offer her pardon for her actions. She is the perpetrator of these actions, and therefore, the onus is on her.

Waverider and Harri make valid points that anyone with BPD who participates in DBT have come to a point of accountability and therefore want to make the changes necessary. They are willing to take responsibility for their actions.

Empathy is the ability to feel what someone else is feeling. This in turn leads a person with empathy to think about how their actions will impact others BEFORE they act. PwBPD have difficulty in understanding how their actions will impact another. Unlike a psychopath who doesn't care how their actions will impact others, BPD's may recognize that their actions were painful or unkind, but frame it in the perspective that they were only protecting themselves from some perceived wrong against them.

I will leave you with this thought: For many here on this site, the painful experiences of our childhood caused us to move in the opposite direction of furthering the legacy of our BPD parent. We did not treat our children the way we were treated. This, in point, reflects true empathy on our part, and a choice on their part.

All the best.