What happened when you were split?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

When I was split strange behaviors started to happen with my ex for example:

He asked to start kissing him on the cheek.

He said "I will never sleep over at your house again."

Your hair sticks out when you wake up in the morning (whose doesn't?)

"Oh, I bet you want me to bring you flowers?"

No more routine phone calls.

"Hi beautiful" went to "hey"

"You don't know how to drive!"

"This is my section of the couch."

" I bet you want to get a house together" (we had already decided we were).

"Your moving to Arizona? That is my plan!" (it was ours).

He went from loving me to splitting me quickly. He could barely stand to hold me and when he did he pushed away because he might feel something. All painful stuff.

[downwhim]

When I was split strange behaviors started to happen with my ex for example:

He asked to start kissing him on the cheek.

He said "I will never sleep over at your house again."

Your hair sticks out when you wake up in the morning (whose doesn't?)

"Oh, I bet you want me to bring you flowers?"

No more routine phone calls.

"Hi beautiful" went to "hey"

"You don't know how to drive!"

"This is my section of the couch."

" I bet you want to get a house together" (we had already decided we were).

"Your moving to Arizona? That is my plan!" (it was ours).

He went from loving me to splitting me quickly. He could barely stand to hold me and when he did he pushed away because he might feel something. All painful stuff.

[vbor]

The number of texts messages decreased substantially in the last week prior to the breakup. Even though at times  they drove me crazy, I started missing them. They also became very recycled and robotic. There were no more love-bomb essays. It was just simply "luv u", "miss u", thinkin' about u". In that very order. Three times a day. 8AM, 12PM, 8PM.

I could always tell when she was upset about something because she would never use "I" before "love you" or "miss you" in a text or in an actual physical conversation. And you just became "u". I knew it was intentional on her part. She scolded me once saying it was disrespectful because I had forgot to put the "I" in front of "love you" in one of my messages to her.

The phone conversations had stopped as well. It had become a strictly "text-ual relationship" in that last week.

The unannounced visits to my house and the always wanting to be with me also became less frequent. Towards the end... .she came up with any random excuse to not be around me.

I was aware something had changed. On the last day, in person, I asked her simply, "Why the distancing?" Two hours later... .I got my last text message ever (I hope) from her wanting to take a break and her needing space and time. In that breakup text she said to me, "I just want you to fall in love with me all over again." One week later she had a replacement.

[thatwasthat]

The number of texts messages decreased substantially in the last week prior to the breakup. Even though at times  they drove me crazy, I started missing them. They also became very recycled and robotic. There were no more love-bomb essays. It was just simply "luv u", "miss u", thinkin' about u". In that very order. Three times a day. 8AM, 12PM, 8PM.

I could always tell when she was upset about something because she would never use "I" before "love you" or "miss you" in a text or in an actual physical conversation. And you just became "u". I knew it was intentional on her part. She scolded me once saying it was disrespectful because I had forgot to put the "I" in front of "love you" in one of my messages to her.

The phone conversations had stopped as well. It had become a strictly "text-ual relationship" in that last week.

The unannounced visits to my house and the always wanting to be with me also became less frequent. Towards the end... .she came up with any random excuse to not be around me.

I was aware something had changed. On the last day, in person, I asked her simply, "Why the distancing?" Two hours later... .I got my last text message ever (I hope) from her wanting to take a break and her needing space and time. In that breakup text she said to me, "I just want you to fall in love with me all over again." One week later she had a replacement.

x1000

[Invictus01]

The number of texts messages decreased substantially in the last week prior to the breakup. Even though at times  they drove me crazy, I started missing them. They also became very recycled and robotic. There were no more love-bomb essays. It was just simply "luv u", "miss u", thinkin' about u". In that very order. Three times a day. 8AM, 12PM, 8PM.

I could always tell when she was upset about something because she would never use "I" before "love you" or "miss you" in a text or in an actual physical conversation. And you just became "u". I knew it was intentional on her part. She scolded me once saying it was disrespectful because I had forgot to put the "I" in front of "love you" in one of my messages to her.

The phone conversations had stopped as well. It had become a strictly "text-ual relationship" in that last week.

The unannounced visits to my house and the always wanting to be with me also became less frequent. Towards the end... .she came up with any random excuse to not be around me.

I was aware something had changed. On the last day, in person, I asked her simply, "Why the distancing?" Two hours later... .I got my last text message ever (I hope) from her wanting to take a break and her needing space and time. In that breakup text she said to me, "I just want you to fall in love with me all over again." One week later she had a replacement.

^^^ That's the last two weeks of my relationship right there... .Did we date the same chick?

[ShadowIntheNight]

The number of texts messages decreased substantially in the last week prior to the breakup. Even though at times  they drove me crazy, I started missing them. They also became very recycled and robotic. There were no more love-bomb essays. It was just simply "luv u", "miss u", thinkin' about u". In that very order. Three times a day. 8AM, 12PM, 8PM.

I could always tell when she was upset about something because she would never use "I" before "love you" or "miss you" in a text or in an actual physical conversation. And you just became "u". I knew it was intentional on her part. She scolded me once saying it was disrespectful because I had forgot to put the "I" in front of "love you" in one of my messages to her.

The phone conversations had stopped as well. It had become a strictly "text-ual relationship" in that last week.

The unannounced visits to my house and the always wanting to be with me also became less frequent. Towards the end... .she came up with any random excuse to not be around me.

I was aware something had changed. On the last day, in person, I asked her simply, "Why the distancing?" Two hours later... .I got my last text message ever (I hope) from her wanting to take a break and her needing space and time. In that breakup text she said to me, "I just want you to fall in love with me all over again." One week later she had a replacement.

Are they given a manual? Mine was exactly similar to this description and the first one as well. When I asked why she wasn't calling as often, after having talked 3 and 4 times a day PLUS her demanding (in a nice way) that I let her know where I was all the time, she told me that her mother said she needs to phone her more often too. She told me that same thing  in the past in a general conversation about her mother, NOT as a statement directed toward me. It was incredibly odd and out of place. I knew something was up, but not what exactly. Finally, after not hearing anything from her in 3 weeks, she sends a note in,my birthday card telling me she had been dating men all summer and that she and her kids were on a "different path." This after 9.5 yrs dating and 10 yrs knowing one another. No call, no text nothing. After 10 yrs I was unceremoniously dumped with a note in my birthday card telling me what a good friend I had been. (lesbian relationship for us. Her previously married for 10 yrs. Left him too, we got together right after her divorce.)

I presume she is with some man now. I am heartbroken. I wish I'd have been a b___ for those 10 yrs. At least I'd have deserved this hell.

[Infern0]

Seems pretty standard but the communication went from 60-0 basically overnight.

Previously she'd be texting me 100+ times per day, if we weren't together she would be facebook chatting with me all night or calling etc.

Then all of a sudden, boom it just stopped. The first couple of days I wrote it off pretty much but then it did start to get me, I would shoot her a facebook message when I could see she was nline, and then i'd get the "read" notification within like 30 seconds and she just wouldn't reply, then like 2 hours later i'd get "hey" as opposed to her being so excited to talk to me. then her response times would be like 20 minutes and the messages would be disinterested.

The bow broke after about a week of this and she had pulled out of a few dates at the 11th hour, she walked past my work with a friend and just looked in and waved and carried on walking, then that night she cancelled on me again. I kind of lost it and asked her what the deal was and why she was being so disrespectful. She said she was "just busy" and danced around my questions.

The next day she tried to set a date for that night and I just told her i was tired and we could do it another time, mostly because I had 95% certainty she would just cancel AGAIN, then I went ghost for a couple of days and our communication just tapered off and became weird, she started referring to me as a "friend" etc etc and i was just going nuts like what the heck is going on?

not long after this i got the extinction burst about not caring abut her and hurting her so much etc etc etc and i just had some sort of psychological breakdown from all the gaslighting.

I will add that my behavior during this time was not exactly admirable, my codependency and self worth issues caused me to overreact to all of this and i came off as desperate and weak which to be honest I think only served to turn her off me even more.

[downwhim]

Inferno,

My response to his distancing was odd too. I would say things like, ok, I won't come over then, I need to be alone. It was the opposite of what I wanted but he wanted to be away from me so I needed to say and do something to protect myself. He had always wanted to know where I was and what I was doing. Now he could have cared less.

We had a fancy wedding to go to and he did not show to pick me up. When I called him (two days later which was weird of me too) he said, "those are your friends." He was all of a sudden busy.

He asked me to go to the doctor with him then tried to cancel on me. when I said, no I am going, he got all nervous. He then said let's go to Costco where he bought new sheets! Cheater, liar, 8 years down the hill without saying a word really but acting 100 percent different. No more love booming, I was a nothing, discarded and not important anymore. I remember having major PtSD during this time, hyper ventilating, anxious, not sleeping, being alone all the time while he was suddenly busy... .got it hurt.

[Infern0]

Inferno,

My response to his distancing was odd too. I would say things like, ok, I won't come over then, I need to be alone. It was the opposite of what I wanted but he wanted to be away from me so I needed to say and do something to protect myself. He had always wanted to know where I was and what I was doing. Now he could have cared less.

We had a fancy wedding to go to and he did not show to pick me up. When I called him (two days later which was weird of me too) he said, "those are your friends." He was all of a sudden busy.

He asked me to go to the doctor with him then tried to cancel on me. when I said, no I am going, he got all nervous. He then said let's go to Costco where he bought new sheets! Cheater, liar, 8 years down the hill without saying a word really but acting 100 percent different. No more love booming, I was a nothing, discarded and not important anymore. I remember having major PtSD during this time, hyper ventilating, anxious, not sleeping, being alone all the time while he was suddenly busy... .got it hurt.

Yeah, you kind of get addicted to all of the clinginess and communication overload, many people on this site have said the same thing about the sudden communication blackout. I got used to all of the texting so much that it just became a part of my life. It got to the point where I had my phone on the sink next to the shower and was putting my hand out and responding to texts mid shower. That little text message tone and the blue light flashing became just as normal to me as breathing. And to go from that to literally noting, it's weird, I remember checking my phone every 10 minutes just in case, and there being nothing. And then you'd hear your phone go off and... .it's just someone else texting you...

It's just a microcosm of the BPD relationship as a whole, where your BPD partner basically end up conditioning you to be as reliant on them as they appear to be on you, and then all of a sudden they just cut the cord and go and you are left sitting there in desperation, but conflicted at the same time as you know it's not "normal" what's going on.

I did and said so many stupid, stupid things in that few weeks period, I completely lost myself. Still, lessons learned.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Inferno,

My response to his distancing was odd too. I would say things like, ok, I won't come over then, I need to be alone. It was the opposite of what I wanted but he wanted to be away from me so I needed to say and do something to protect myself. He had always wanted to know where I was and what I was doing. Now he could have cared less.

We had a fancy wedding to go to and he did not show to pick me up. When I called him (two days later which was weird of me too) he said, "those are your friends." He was all of a sudden busy.

He asked me to go to the doctor with him then tried to cancel on me. when I said, no I am going, he got all nervous. He then said let's go to Costco where he bought new sheets! Cheater, liar, 8 years down the hill without saying a word really but acting 100 percent different. No more love booming, I was a nothing, discarded and not important anymore. I remember having major PtSD during this time, hyper ventilating, anxious, not sleeping, being alone all the time while he was suddenly busy... .got it hurt.

I think if you've had such long term relationships as you and I have, it seems to be particularly hurtful. To be so surgically removed w/o any antithesia is demoralizing for me. She and I aren't kids. I'm 54, she's 46. Both of us well-educated individuals, me a successful entrepreneur. I was retired so anything she wanted, because she worked, I took care of it. I was encumbered to anyone but her and her kids. I had my own friends and home stuff, but I could and did drop things for her at a moments notice.

The way she discarded me has felt like a horse repeatedly kicking me in the gut. I am so enraged and at the same time wounded by her actions that nothing anyone says to help me actually helps. I tell my therapist once my mother is gone, because we are so close, I am gone one day later. I have no will to live, nor desire for anything. I feel humiliated to have been treated so cruelly. And it seems that there is no justice and she gets away with this. That hurts even more.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

My dBPDex seemed to split in a series of cycles.  At first it would be a minute long rage out of nowhere, she would storm out of the house and drive around for half an hour then return fine.  Later on it might be a foul mood for a day.  It was short bursts of bad behavior until the very end. 

The final act was two weeks of silent treatment, she refused to speak to me and would put on headphones if I entered the room, texting up a storm the entire time on snapchat.  Then when she finally decided to speak it was a 15 minute rage of vicious hate filled with tears and projection.  She was acting out some deep core wounds from an abusive father on that, It felt like a little girl was yelling at me, especially the teary "I hate you!"

I am pretty sure I had a quiet borderline experience.  Other than the few blips on the radar she was actually a cheery person most of the time.  I suppose the effort of keeping the act up became too much as time went on.  She dysregulated hard and that was that.

[JRT]

I hear ya shadow... .it has been one of the most incredible episodes in my life... .nothing has come remotely close to amazing me than has this... .I don't think that a rocket ship full of aliens would surprise me as much as has this.

after 2 years and becoming engaged, she moves in... .three weeks later while I was out of town, she sends me a nasty breakup text... .I tell you , there was NOTHING that preceded it... .no argument, no disagreement... .we were making plans and talking about the things that we were going to do when I returned. I think that she had split me THAT DAY... .she might have split me sooner but I would have to award an Oscar to her! There was NO hint of any problems even as I spoke to her walking off of my flight. By 3:00 the next day, she had moved out completely.

And the extent to which she split me! Blocked me from contacting her in every way you can think of... .when I tried to call her from an unblocked line, I got a call from the cops and a letter from a lawyer threatening a PPO!. I tell ya, her reactions were as if there was a real threat of something violent and VERY BAD that would happen to her if she so much as heard my voice! It was incredible... .She also blocked me on social media, unfriended all of my friends and convinced all of her family and friends to do the same! I can only imagine what she has told them to compel this! She even refuses to respond to messages indicating how she can collect her left behind belongings (I stored them with a third party)!

Like yours an older and educated woman with whom I had few if any problems with.

[Deeno02]

yes to all. accused of lying. accused of thinking that her and her kids were pains in the ass and I had better things to do, decreased texts (she would always send me morning texts so very early as I was on the way to work. I noticed this was happeneing so I didnt send one to see if she would. she didnt. I eneded up sending one at 10am saying hi. Decreased phone calls, no hand holding, while I drove, she would slide over and grab on to and hug my arm, i never felt more loved, but that stopped. If we had a disagreement, I would apologize(I never fought back) and when I went to say goodnight, she would turn her cheek to me and say "mm mmm. Got to like you again first". The list goes on with the "treat me special, or lose me" or "your a bad boyfriend" crap. Tired. Still sucks the life out of me thinking about it.

[vbor]

Yeah, you kind of get addicted to all of the clinginess and communication overload, many people on this site have said the same thing about the sudden communication blackout. I got used to all of the texting so much that it just became a part of my life. It got to the point where I had my phone on the sink next to the shower and was putting my hand out and responding to texts mid shower. That little text message tone and the blue light flashing became just as normal to me as breathing. And to go from that to literally noting, it's weird, I remember checking my phone every 10 minutes just in case, and there being nothing. And then you'd hear your phone go off and... .it's just someone else texting you...

Phone on the sink next to the shower and responding to texts mid shower? WOW   . I thought I was the only one who did that. Looking back now it just seems so silly.

It is amazing (and scary) that all our stories are so VERY similar, even down to the very minuscule details.

As I move through this healing process I find myself floating back and forth from disbelief, anger and sadness almost on an hourly basis. But a new feeling has started creeping up on me lately. I find myself just fascinated by the boarderline mind and how it works. Does it mean I'm starting to look at this whole 2-1/2 year long "experience" objectively now? I'm not sure yet. But those other feelings are slowly fading into the background as I focus on the mechanics of the disorder as applied to the FACTS in my own situation.

So, for now, that seems to be working for me.

[JRT]

Yeah, you kind of get addicted to all of the clinginess and communication overload, many people on this site have said the same thing about the sudden communication blackout. I got used to all of the texting so much that it just became a part of my life. It got to the point where I had my phone on the sink next to the shower and was putting my hand out and responding to texts mid shower. That little text message tone and the blue light flashing became just as normal to me as breathing. And to go from that to literally noting, it's weird, I remember checking my phone every 10 minutes just in case, and there being nothing. And then you'd hear your phone go off and... .it's just someone else texting you...

Phone on the sink next to the shower and responding to texts mid shower? WOW   . I thought I was the only one who did that. Looking back now it just seems so silly.

It is amazing (and scary) that all our stories are so VERY similar, even down to the very minuscule details.

As I move through this healing process I find myself floating back and forth from disbelief, anger and sadness almost on an hourly basis. But a new feeling has started creeping up on me lately. I find myself just fascinated by the boarderline mind and how it works. Does it mean I'm starting to look at this whole 2-1/2 year long "experience" objectively now? I'm not sure yet. But those other feelings are slowly fading into the background as I focus on the mechanics of the disorder as applied to the FACTS in my own situation.

So, for now, that seems to be working for me.

I am also fascinated by this topic... .it has almost been like putting together  a jigsaw puzzle but with associated emotion. I come here more than FB.

[Jack2727]

It's amazing to see how many of you have gone through the same exact things as I have. You get used to the constant communication. My ex would call me first thing, text me throughout the day, call me on the way home from work and skyped at night. This was the process when we were not together. I think I got split about 4-6 weeks before our breakup. I first noticed the change when she'd start deviating from her contact routines. She wouldn't call me first thing when she would leave work and started going to bed early so she could work out in the morning. And the next day she'd say she was too tired. Yeah, sure... .Going to bed at 8:30 sure makes you tired.

It's just so crazy! How they can turn themselves off like that is mind boggling.

[JRT]

I was split literally over night.

[apollotech]

The first time (one month into the relationship) that I was split there was very little direct interaction from/with her. It was a stealth split. I didn't even know that it had occurred until the next day, a friend called me and told me to take a look at FB... .massive smear campaign underway, very hurtful and cruel. Even though I was not "named", it was obvious that it was directed towards me. She iniated silent treatment for a week, and then we entered our first re-engagement/recycle process. I never knew who was split white in this instance.

The second time (two months into the relationship) that I was split I knew of the other party in the triangulation, an exbf. He went white; I went black. Her attention regarding me took a substantial drop---fewer/shorter phone conversations, fewer text messages, emotional drought in all communications, etc. I was clearly being marginalized. About 4-5 days later we began our second re-engagement/recycle phase. I am very ashamed that this split/re-engagement/recycle ever had the chance to occur. Live and learn.

[JRT]

The first time (one month into the relationship) that I was split there was very little direct interaction from/with her. It was a stealth split. I didn't even know that it had occurred until the next day, a friend called me and told me to take a look at FB... .massive smear campaign underway, very hurtful and cruel. Even though I was not "named", it was obvious that it was directed towards me. She iniated silent treatment for a week, and then we entered our first re-engagement/recycle process. I never knew who was split white in this instance.

The second time (two months into the relationship) that I was split I knew of the other party in the triangulation, an exbf. He went white; I went black. Her attention regarding me took a substantial drop---fewer/shorter phone conversations, fewer text messages, emotional drought in all communications, etc. I was clearly being marginalized. About 4-5 days later we began our second re-engagement/recycle phase. I am very ashamed that this split/re-engagement/recycle ever had the chance to occur. Live and learn.

What, might I ask, did she say about you on FB? Was it pertinent? Or was it based on a small grain of truth and twisted? Mine had all of her family and friends unfriend me on FB and it drives me crazy what she is going around telling people.

[apollotech]

The first time (one month into the relationship) that I was split there was very little direct interaction from/with her. It was a stealth split. I didn't even know that it had occurred until the next day, a friend called me and told me to take a look at FB... .massive smear campaign underway, very hurtful and cruel. Even though I was not "named", it was obvious that it was directed towards me. She iniated silent treatment for a week, and then we entered our first re-engagement/recycle process. I never knew who was split white in this instance.

The second time (two months into the relationship) that I was split I knew of the other party in the triangulation, an exbf. He went white; I went black. Her attention regarding me took a substantial drop---fewer/shorter phone conversations, fewer text messages, emotional drought in all communications, etc. I was clearly being marginalized. About 4-5 days later we began our second re-engagement/recycle phase. I am very ashamed that this split/re-engagement/recycle ever had the chance to occur. Live and learn.

What, might I ask, did she say about you on FB? Was it pertinent? Or was it based on a small grain of truth and twisted? Mine had all of her family and friends unfriend me on FB and it drives me crazy what she is going around telling people.

It was a "truth based on her emotions." She went off the deep end in proclaiming that I had wronged her. None of it being based in "reality." It was all very childish. Even God got some play in it. Hard to argue with/against Him. She couldn't name me in the smear campaign as we have too many mutual friends on FB that go all the way back to our childhood. To name me, our mutual friends know my character much too well to have listened to her dribble, would have backfired on her.

I should have terminated the relationship at that point, but I didn't. NOO, I had to tack on another seven months of chaos, emotional upheaval, pain, confusion, unrequited love, disrespect, dishonesty, instability, etc.-----misery. Hope, as I was to learn, is not always a good thing.

[JRT]

The first time (one month into the relationship) that I was split there was very little direct interaction from/with her. It was a stealth split. I didn't even know that it had occurred until the next day, a friend called me and told me to take a look at FB... .massive smear campaign underway, very hurtful and cruel. Even though I was not "named", it was obvious that it was directed towards me. She iniated silent treatment for a week, and then we entered our first re-engagement/recycle process. I never knew who was split white in this instance.

The second time (two months into the relationship) that I was split I knew of the other party in the triangulation, an exbf. He went white; I went black. Her attention regarding me took a substantial drop---fewer/shorter phone conversations, fewer text messages, emotional drought in all communications, etc. I was clearly being marginalized. About 4-5 days later we began our second re-engagement/recycle phase. I am very ashamed that this split/re-engagement/recycle ever had the chance to occur. Live and learn.

What, might I ask, did she say about you on FB? Was it pertinent? Or was it based on a small grain of truth and twisted? Mine had all of her family and friends unfriend me on FB and it drives me crazy what she is going around telling people.

It was a "truth based on her emotions." She went off the deep end in proclaiming that I had wronged her. None of it being based in "reality." It was all very childish. Even God got some play in it. Hard to argue with/against Him. She couldn't name me in the smear campaign as we have too many mutual friends on FB that go all the way back to our childhood. To name me, our mutual friends know my character much too well to have listened to her dribble, would have backfired on her.

I should have terminated the relationship at that point, but I didn't. NOO, I had to tack on another seven months of chaos, emotional upheaval, pain, confusion, unrequited love, disrespect, dishonesty, instability, etc.-----misery. Hope, as I was to learn, is not always a good thing.

You made me think: mine unfriended all of my friends and talked almost all of her family and friends to do the same. Until this point I thought that this was to block contact but now I wonder if it was a way for no one to interfere with her smear campaign