Coping with detaching from BPD Mother

[Hope1913]

I'm new to this site, but I'm here to gain support with dealing with my decision to stop all contact with my Mother. It feels like a death to me. I have been diagnosed with Bpd, myself. I'm seeking treatment, but she doesn't believe she has an issue. Both of my siblings and all of her three ex-husbands have stopped talking to her. Suggestions would be great. Thanks and blessings.

[clljhns]

  Hope1913,

Welcome to the BPD Family! I am glad that you have found us. Kudos to you for going into treatment for your own BPD issues. You are incredibly brave to face this head-on!

It feels like a death to me

I know how you feel. I went NC with my uBPDmom many years ago. I went through the grieving stages, so I understand. Have you read Elisabeth Kubler Ross's book on the Stages of Grief? I have included a link here which outlines the stages: www.changingminds.org/disciplines/change_management/kubler_ross/kubler_ross.htm 

Can you tell us a little about some of the behaviors you see in mom that are typical of BPD? What prompted you to get help for your own issues?

Suggestions would be great.

I would suggest you read the articles at the top of this board on children of a parent with BPD. I found the articles to be spot on and validated what I experienced. They also gave me insight into the BPD illness.

Hope all is well with you.   Let us know how we can help. 

[Hope1913]

My therapist is having me do an assignment on the five stages. I have tried to exit her life many times before, but the denial has sucked me back in every time. Something has changed. I just understand she isn't going to get better and I have to get myself well so I don't become her. She abused me verbally, psychologically (mind games), physically, and kept me imprisoned in high school. I was "grounded" for two years. I wasn't allowed to see anyone or talk to anyone on the telephone after school. She hated me. My sister was her all good child and I was their maid. I was forced to wait on them hand and foot while they picked on me the entire time. After three years of running from the trauma and running to drugs instead, I decided to seek therapy. I've been struggling with understanding my illness for 6 years since I found out. I'm sober now and determined to gain peace and understanding.

[clljhns]

  Hope1913,

I am so sorry for the way you were treated by your mom and sister. I am so glad to know that you have slayed the drug demon and are on the road to recovery of your painful childhood. It sounds like your T has you on the right track. I know how difficult if is to cut the ties that bind. Have you considered that you stayed in contact with mom out of obligation or guilt? There is a fantastic article on FOG at the top of this board. I know for me, I stayed in contact with my toxic family because I would feel guilty about leaving the family. I also felt obligated to stay in contact because my mom would make it seem as if she couldn't live without her two golden children. I was sometimes one of the golden children, and sometimes painted black. It just depended on her mood in the moment.

Keep in touch here and know that you are among friends. 

Take care