How Can I Long For Someone Who Traumatized Me?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Thank you to all of you who have posted on this forum. This is a godsend. To have others who have gone through the same pattern of abuse and forgiveness and attempts at repair and fixing and helping and loving while being totally duped and faked out and betrayed. It is so unbelievable to see how we have all been through such similar treatment.

I have been studying BPD in NPD for 8 years when I first realized that my ex-wife probably had one of these disorders - turned out she was NPD. NPD is actually much easier to deal with because there's no hope with them. With NPD, the narcissism is so deep and evident that they cannot pretend even to care. So it's very difficult to be fooled into thinking that there's empathy. There is none. And they seem almost proud of it.

With my BPDexgf, however, who I was with for five years until about a week ago, it was easier to be fooled. She's a social worker with children, and was wonderful with my two girls, and seems to have all the empathy in the world, even too much. And maybe that is the case. She has so much empathy she gets overwhelmed by it coming from every direction. But really in the end she has no empathy for herself, no way to take care of herself, no self worth, and therefore no way to really take care of anyone else.

Anyway, my point here is that it is so difficult, frustrating, upsetting and crazy making for me to know full well with so much knowledge how horrible her behavior was - how unempathic and cruel her treatment of me was. How she cheated on me and lied so many times, stole from me, yelled at me, and more... .And how I did everything and more for the relationship and for her and for us while she did nothing for me. And yet, I can still feel longing for her!

That is what blows my mind. And I know that what I am really feeling longing for is the love I never got as a child which made me want these disordered women to begin with, and I am longing for what I never got from her in the fantasy that I had constructed around her, but still--- the longing feels real - it feels like it's for her. But why? Why can't I simply let go of that ridiculous notion? Partly because I put so much time and energy into the fantasy and belief and hope in her and us, and to just drop it all is like death. This whole thing really feels like she committed suicide. I feel like getting a book on grieving someone who committed suicide. Because of course the person left behind feels like it must be partly their fault, even though they did everything they could to help... .But it's mental illness. I know that. I have been suicidal in my life and I know that's just mental illness of the worst kind and nothing anyone did could stop my mind from self destructing. No different from BPD. I get it. I get my part. I get the menTal illness. But just like if she really did commit suicide, I would miss her. I would miss the good parts. The promising parts. The sweet parts. And I do. Terribly.

And what's worse about this than suicide is that she is actually still alive and giving her body and her heart to another man. A man who is clearly a major downgrade. That is just so demoralizing. I just feel like shaking we her and screaming "Wake up! What are you doing? This is your only life!" But that the whole point. BPD should be called SDD - Self Destructive Disease.

I must focus on taking care of my inner child who is so wounded and desperate for my attention and who was damaged more by my incessant care taking of my BPDex. That's what is was all for... .To avoid the real care taking I need to do. Of myself. I just wish I could get this betrayal bond out of my system. Fast.

Thank you all for telling your stories and sharing your wisdom. It is a great help.

[Withdrawal]

Thank you to all of you who have posted on this forum. This is a godsend. To have others who have gone through the same pattern of abuse and forgiveness and attempts at repair and fixing and helping and loving while being totally duped and faked out and betrayed. It is so unbelievable to see how we have all been through such similar treatment.

I have been studying BPD in NPD for 8 years when I first realized that my ex-wife probably had one of these disorders - turned out she was NPD. NPD is actually much easier to deal with because there's no hope with them. With NPD, the narcissism is so deep and evident that they cannot pretend even to care. So it's very difficult to be fooled into thinking that there's empathy. There is none. And they seem almost proud of it.

With my BPDexgf, however, who I was with for five years until about a week ago, it was easier to be fooled. She's a social worker with children, and was wonderful with my two girls, and seems to have all the empathy in the world, even too much. And maybe that is the case. She has so much empathy she gets overwhelmed by it coming from every direction. But really in the end she has no empathy for herself, no way to take care of herself, no self worth, and therefore no way to really take care of anyone else.

Anyway, my point here is that it is so difficult, frustrating, upsetting and crazy making for me to know full well with so much knowledge how horrible her behavior was - how unempathic and cruel her treatment of me was. How she cheated on me and lied so many times, stole from me, yelled at me, and more... .And how I did everything and more for the relationship and for her and for us while she did nothing for me. And yet, I can still feel longing for her!

That is what blows my mind. And I know that what I am really feeling longing for is the love I never got as a child which made me want these disordered women to begin with, and I am longing for what I never got from her in the fantasy that I had constructed around her, but still--- the longing feels real - it feels like it's for her. But why? Why can't I simply let go of that ridiculous notion? Partly because I put so much time and energy into the fantasy and belief and hope in her and us, and to just drop it all is like death. This whole thing really feels like she committed suicide. I feel like getting a book on grieving someone who committed suicide. Because of course the person left behind feels like it must be partly their fault, even though they did everything they could to help... .But it's mental illness. I know that. I have been suicidal in my life and I know that's just mental illness of the worst kind and nothing anyone did could stop my mind from self destructing. No different from BPD. I get it. I get my part. I get the menTal illness. But just like if she really did commit suicide, I would miss her. I would miss the good parts. The promising parts. The sweet parts. And I do. Terribly.

And what's worse about this than suicide is that she is actually still alive and giving her body and her heart to another man. A man who is clearly a major downgrade. That is just so demoralizing. I just feel like shaking we her and screaming "Wake up! What are you doing? This is your only life!" But that the whole point. BPD should be called SDD - Self Destructive Disease.

I must focus on taking care of my inner child who is so wounded and desperate for my attention and who was damaged more by my incessant care taking of my BPDex. That's what is was all for... .To avoid the real care taking I need to do. Of myself. I just wish I could get this betrayal bond out of my system. Fast.

Thank you all for telling your stories and sharing your wisdom. It is a great help.

[Trog]

Trauma bonding and the missing the need that this person fulfilled in you at some point. I can only relate with my own exp. there was endless push/pull that left me confused and in a cycle of always trying to give more (made me more invested not less!). Finally, she really listened to me and seemed very interested and accepting of me, that was a great need for me at that time and that was a powerful hook. The same things she claimed to be understanding about were later used as ammunition to control me with. Too deep, too quick - it's a red flag.

[vortex of confusion]

I found this brief but good explanation of trauma bonding: www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

It helps explain why somebody longs for a person that has traumatized or abused them.

[DyingLove]

This whole thing about Missing the person that took everything but the blood in our body is totally nuts.  I agree.  I'm beat down too, yet I'm conditioned to be missing and longing for my BPDSO.  I've not got less than a month to stay before leaving and even after finding that out today, I had one eye in the driveway waiting for her to come home.  When she got home, it's not like we talked or anything... .but she was home. And now that she is, it's uncomfortable because after a 4 year loving relationship, it's like I am a stranger or even worse!  So I long for her... .why?  I've got that missing feeling inside me... .and almost disgust and resentment when I do see her now.  But I still say I love her.  Tell me why too?