After being cheated on, regretfully decided to end relationship with BPDgf

[Figuring it out]

Hello everyone,

After finding out my borderline girlfriend just cheated on me, I googled it and found this amazing site... .

This is going to be a long one.

I just found out about this site and after digging around and reading everything here, I found out that I was in a textbook case relationship with a BPD. I’ll start in the beginning because I know writing it down will be therapeutic.

About three months ago, I was single and dating in NYC. As I walked on the subway platform, I saw the most beautiful girl I had ever laid eyes on. She gave me a smile and I smiled back. After entering the train I mustered up the courage to start a conversation on a busy subway car. I got her number and we saw each other a few days later.

During our first date, I found she was extremely intelligent and guessed her to be in her mid to late twenties and later in the date found out she was only 20. (I’m 31) However, she had already won me over.  I convinced her to come over to my house and there I learned about her BPD disorder. I asked a lot of questions and she answered honestly. I was concerned, but she seemed normal. After talking more, our attraction took hold and she spent the night and it was great.

In the morning I researched BPD and she recommended a book to read, which I started to read. We saw each other pretty much daily until I left to go home for the holidays to spend with my family.

That’s when the anxiety about her sleeping with someone else began. She said that she was so happy being with me yet, she still had these urges which we talked about. And a few times she almost went and saw these guys that she went to see when she needed to “exist” and “feel” something. Once she made it halfway to one guys house before getting off the train and returning home. Being halfway across the country did not help my anxiety and I called and texted her daily understand the out of sight, out of mind thing. Well, one day after new years, she was inexplicably sad and I didn’t ask her out right if she slept with someone, but I suspected it.

When I got back to NYC, we met up. I got her flowers and we slept together and it was amazing. The next day she called crying saying she didn’t deserve me and that I deserve someone much better than her. She told me she slept with someone on New Years Eve and she was so sad that she ruined the best thing that’s happened to her.

I was silent for a bit and thought about it. We weren’t really exclusive and I was able to chalk it up to not yet being in a relationship yet. It hurt, but I was willing to be ok with it because I had never been in a relationship myself where I gave myself wholly and completely.

I always chose to be with women that I know weren’t perfect for me and there was always and end in sight for the relationship. This is my own hang-up and was probably so that I wouldn’t be controlled by love and so I could focus on my career. But after a three year relationship that went nowhere, I decided that I wasn’t going to settle any more and in this new relationship, I wouldn’t hold back my love and finally be brave.

I told her that I was hurt, but willing to give the relationship a go because I felt an insane amount of chemistry with her. I went over to her house and made passionate love.

From then on, it’s been a fairy tale or enjoying each other, watching movies, talking, museums, her supporting me in my endeavor of filmmaking and acting. Just perfect.

Then one day she texts me that we should breakup. She felt too anxious about the relationship and had serious cutting urges which she was not able to hold back. I went to her, she let me in and I consoled her. And it was back to the honeymoon period until recently. She started behaving differently (not texting me back, responding slowly and with single words) and I knew something was wrong. I asked her about cutting and she said no she didn’t. And I realized that she probably cheated on me. Early in the relationship I said that everything else that BPD’s do, I can handle. I just can’t handle the cheating. If that happens, I will be gone. I told her that if she ever had urges to call me immediately because once she talks about them, they’re dispelled.

So we talked, she said that she didn’t deserve someone like me. I was so hurt. Tears were streaming down my face. I felt betrayed but at the same time, I understand that she didn’t set out to hurt me. I wasn’t around and she didn’t know how to deal with stress. But it was so painful. I told her that I couldn’t do this and wished the best for her.

I cried so much that night and messed up with a very big audition early next morning. Then later that day, I got a call from her sister telling me that she admitted herself to the psych ward in her hospital for self harm observation. She had everything taken away so she couldn’t read the texts I sent her. Her sister said that she needed to know if it was truly over or if I would give her another chance. Her sister told her when she visited her in the hospital that she might have to prepare for the fact that I might not be willing to take her back and my ex started shouting at her. I decided that I couldn’t because I needed to protect myself but felt guilty about leaving her and I know that I’ve been the guy that’s treated her the best and she really regrets what she did, but just can’t suffer the pain that I’m currently feeling.

Then later the next day, she was release to her sister and begged me through text to take her back using different techniques to get me to take her back, and it was so hard, but I stood firm. Tomorrow, her sister is coming to get a few things. This has been so difficult because she felt like the perfect girl for a moment there.

She was the most gorgeous girl I’ve ever dated/known. Our sex was the best I’ve ever had. She was one of the most intelligent girls I’ve been with. Her poetry/writing was so good that I think she could be a voice in the BPD community.  Our passion for food, knowledge and art was very similar. She was so loving and fun to be with.  I know it was only three months, but the amount of passion and joy we had during this time was amazing and overshadowed all of the other relationships I’ve had. The only thing was the anxiety of her being unfaithful that ate away at me.

I am so sad that this disease can cause such pain and ruin relationships and lives. However, after reading and diving into all of the information on this site, I realize that I am but another statistic left in the wake of the destructive path of BPD.

I am trying to move forward but the pain is difficult to ignore. I reached out to friends, but when I’m alone, it’s difficult to think of anything else and everything reminds me of our relationship.

If you guys have any advice, I would greatly appreciate it and I will continue to peruse the resources of this site. Thanks for listening!

[tjay933]

nobody can tell you what to do. that is something you have to decide for yourself. read about others with similar stories and how it effected their lives 10+ years later and ask yourself if you can live through that or if you want something else. you may love her but BPD doesn't go away. from my own experience it only gets worse. women wBPD can be very very nasty. also, what happens when/if she gets preggie? then you have to consider the effects on that poor child who can't just walk away and you most likely will have very little say in how it is raised no matter how hard you try. i guess what i'm saying in a nut shell is "informed consent". know what you are getting into or avoiding before taking any steps toward or away from her. realize that you can't change her no matter what you do or say-trust me after 10+ yrs-you can only change yourself. it was great that she was so upfront about her condition but please get informed so that you can choose what is best for you-not her.

and above all, stay safe.

[Figuring it out]

Thanks! I've been reading a lot of different things in this site and I feel like I got off lucky with only something that lasted a few months. It seems like BPD is something that is extremely difficult to resolve. I guess that I was hopeful in that I might be able to support her through the illness, and that perhaps my love would be able to give her the support that she needed but now after reading other people's experiences with it, I realized that it's bigger than me.

[jhkbuzz]

Thanks! I've been reading a lot of different things in this site and I feel like I got off lucky with only something that lasted a few months. It seems like BPD is something that is extremely difficult to resolve. I guess that I was hopeful in that I might be able to support her through the illness, and that perhaps my love would be able to give her the support that she needed but now after reading other people's experiences with it, I realized that it's bigger than me.

Many of us believed this - and it never worked.  It's a lovely but naive thought - mental illness can't be helped with love.  Years of therapy is the only hope.

Although difficult, you are very, very wise to exit the r/s now, before you become more deeply involved.  It is likely that the infidelities would continue - and would continue to crush you.

All the best to you.

[Figuring it out]

Can BPD be overcome with therapy or merely dealt with and the suffer learns to live with it in a more constructive way? I'm glad that he sister was honest with me and told me that she does this with her relationships at the expense of her sister suffering and possibly self-harming. I'm more hurt than angry. I also understand that it's the illness that caused her to do what she did, but I just know this isn't health and I deserve a relationship where fidelity is part of the foundation. Really appreciate this site!

[Mr.Downtrodden]

I'm a little different in that I firmly believe people with BPD who act in this way (cheating) do so by choice.  It's not the result of a disease.  BPD is a behavior disorder.  Learned behavior. Behavior that allows them to cope.  I believe addictions are not diseases.  They are crutches because people who suffer refuse or are unwilling to put the work in to make themselves better. It's far easier to cope by damaging other people under the guise of "whatever happens, happens."

The OP's story is exactly like mine.  I knew this girl from afar, but did not come into contact with her till years later. She didn't love-bomb me from the get go, she merely dropped hints like "we should hang out... ." or "let me know when you are in town... "  Virtual daily contact for a few months finally gave way to our real-life, first face to face meeting time.  No woman ever made me feel so at ease.  I admit I was in intimidated when I saw her.  But that smile... .it still haunts me.  By the end of the day, when I left her, I was smitten,  She called me back 20 mins. afterward telling me she had the best time.  The hook was baited.

After that, you know the deal.  amazing. I felt so alive after being dormant for so long.  Then, I got a phone call where she revealed she had been seeing someone (persuaded me it was her ex who was obssessed with her).  And yup, I forgave her for the very same reasons the OP noted - we were not really exclusive yet, and we were just getting started.  i had no idea how worse things would get.  Each time, something transpired that slowly siphoned my self-esteem and my self-worth.  "Maybe I'm not spending enough time with her?  Maybe i should speed up plans to relocate and move in with her?"  questions. doubts.  Then, the on-edge feeling when she'd call, or not be there when I called.  i never had this feeling with other girls. But, she would reassure me later.  Pacify is the word.

The bottom fell out when a couple of her perpetual (and pathetic) male orbiters sent me e-mails telling me what was going on. She denied most of it. Then, she got pregnant.  Not by me, of course, even though she was so happy that I wanted to have a child with her (she was childless). She was so afraid to tell me.  i was reeling. Then, out of the blue, she simply dismissed my involvement with her. no emotion.  Cold.  She deflected, projected, and disavowed total responsibility.  But I still cared for her. I had invested time.  Feelings.  Feelings take root and grow for non's. Real feelings.  Not mirrored feelings.

i did not know she suffered from BPD til it was too late and the damage had been done. That she'd been having relations with as many as six different guys during our time together.  She is a master at control and manipulation.  Learned behavior to cope.  Choices made to cope for whatever trauma is deeply buried and blocked out.  Choices and actions made.  These people are actors, playing a role.

She kept in touch and was there when my next relationship failed badly.  We reconnected as friends and I witnessed to full transformation from love-bombing to defeated and empty soul in a single day.  It has messed me up badly.  i still have nightmares about what happened.  Since i saw her for the first time in her most vulnerable, saddest / lowest state, she has cut me out of her life -  after I checked in to see how she was doing a few days later.  I bet that I have been smeared, blamed for what took place (I had nothing to do with her actions even tho I do blame myself at times) and thus, found myself left abandoned like a dried out can of paint.

She made her choices to have sexual relations with several men and hid it from me because that is how she CHOOSES to cope. and she is OK with it, as she later reflected.

A disease is not the same as a disorder, which is truly what BPD is.

It bothers me to read how people accept this as a "disease".  It is not.

[Figuring it out]

Thanks Mutt for the article. I skimmed it and will dig in tomorrow when I am more awake.

Mr. Downtrodden, I think we has similar stories, however, one thing I didn't mention is she's actively going to DBT weekly and filling out journals. She started cutting more recently and I guess had urges to see other men but didn't tell me or at least that's what she said when I broke up with her. How long were you with your ex?

She just sent me a long apology letter and I'm now even more confused because it's not really asking for me back. It's just saying she's sorry. Here's the post: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=272400.new#new

What do you think? Man, I really care about her. I plan on not contacting her for a while because I know I am a trigger for her cutting and urges. But I really would like her in my life and I really think she will be able to overcome this disease in the future.

[raisins3142]

I'm a little different in that I firmly believe people with BPD who act in this way (cheating) do so by choice.

I agree.

To the OP, I would never go back.

If someone cheats on you several times in the first 3 months just because they are stressed (or whatever reason), then you don't need that level of BPD in your life.  She is stressed and the only thing she can think to do is have some sex with men that don't care about her?   You can't deal with someone that processes things in that way.

[jhkbuzz]

Can BPD be overcome with therapy or merely dealt with and the suffer learns to live with it in a more constructive way? I'm glad that he sister was honest with me and told me that she does this with her relationships at the expense of her sister suffering and possibly self-harming. I'm more hurt than angry. I also understand that it's the illness that caused her to do what she did, but I just know this isn't health and I deserve a relationship where fidelity is part of the foundation. Really appreciate this site!

Everything I've read points to "the sufferer learns to live with it in a more constructive way."

You are absolutely correct, by the way - you DO deserve a r/s where fidelity is part of the foundation. I had to make that decision for myself as well.

There was a thread that helped me with this:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=237788.0

"I think it's a problem that we keep viewing personality disorders as if they were diseases. We keep imagining that the pwBPD is a once healthy person that has at some point become "ill" and that can be reverted to the original "good" condition. I read hundreds of posts here of "nons" who believe exactly this, and I am afraid they are wasting their time.

I think this view comes from the notion that people are essentially good, combined with the fact that BPD is treated by psychiatry as if it was cureable condition. You have to talk to an awful lot of people before someone even hints at the truth - that the patient IS the illness.

For me, this realization has given me a lot of peace, acceptance, and empathy.

It's like when we wonder things like, "which was the real him/her?" The truth is that it's all the real person. This is who they are. There's no "lost, scared little child" trapped inside just waiting to be rescued, while the Rager or the Casanova/Siren or the Waif or whatever possesses them. The splitting, gaslighting, push/pull, triangulation, etc., aren't just bad habits. This is their personality, which has been developing since birth, shaped by their experiences, and which is unlikely to change in any significant way now.

They are, like all of us, who they are. It's neither good nor bad -- it just is what it is.

In any sort of relationship, you have to evaluate whether or not you find the other person's personality compatible with yours. This can be problematic in the case of PDs, where we want to latch on to certain aspects as the "real" personality while denying other aspects. And that really doesn't seem fair to anyone involved."

[Figuring it out]

Raisins,

That's exactly why I am leaving. I realize I cannot and should not accept infidelity as part of a relationship. I know I will meet someone else. I'm currently having a hard time with the emotional part of letting go because what we had was so intense. I understand that she may perhaps have manipulated it, but I don't feel that it's a conscious decision. I don't think I'll be going back, but I would like to see her better... .

jhkbuzz,

It's great to know that others have experience what I have. First I wanted her so badly that I was trying to figure out ways to make it work. Like an open relationship or something, but I realized that I was making excuses for her. Thanks for the link, I'll take a look after work. It looks like it's going to help!

They are, like all of us, who they are. It's neither good nor bad -- it just is what it is.

In any sort of relationship, you have to evaluate whether or not you find the other person's personality compatible with yours. This can be problematic in the case of PDs, where we want to latch on to certain aspects as the "real" personality while denying other aspects. And that really doesn't seem fair to anyone involved."

Very insightful! I was definitely latching onto her "real" personality. I'm really sad, but I'm glad this community was able to give me insight into the mental illness. Now I don't feel so alone in my pain... .

[Mr.Downtrodden]

Thanks Mutt for the article. I skimmed it and will dig in tomorrow when I am more awake.

Mr. Downtrodden, I think we has similar stories, however, one thing I didn't mention is she's actively going to DBT weekly and filling out journals. She started cutting more recently and I guess had urges to see other men but didn't tell me or at least that's what she said when I broke up with her. How long were you with your ex?

She just sent me a long apology letter and I'm now even more confused because it's not really asking for me back. It's just saying she's sorry. Here's the post: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=272400.new#new

What do you think? Man, I really care about her. I plan on not contacting her for a while because I know I am a trigger for her cutting and urges. But I really would like her in my life and I really think she will be able to overcome this disease in the future.

I was with mine (not every day, since we live a couple of hours away) for about a year.

If I had seen her actions daily it might have made a difference for me to better evaluate my situation, you can only go by what the other person is telling you when you cannot be there all the time.

After her ex beat her up and threatened her (I assumed based on what she would tell me) that he was in a jealous rage, she slept with him so he would leave her alone and eventually "move on",she agreed to go for therapy.   and she did for several months. She told me i was the important catalyst for her summoning the strength to go weekly.

One of my last weekly stay over visits found her to be extremely happy, affectionate and willing to please me.  I thought she was making progress.  She told me her ex had not contacted her since their stormy encounter. We made plans to get away the next month. She told me how much she loved me and that, finally, she could stop looking.

I soon found out there was another life being led.  I got e-mails, from the ex, who told me he was with her the entire time we were together.  Telling me explicit things they were doing, in a bragging fashion.  He told me why he raged at her - because he saw her phone messages going back several years. She is a heavy drinker, and while she was passed out, he found out about e, and many (I mean many) other men.  i aslo got an e-mail from another FWB guy, someone my GF told me was a total jerk, yet they were hooking up weekly. The crushing blow was when she told e she was pregnant.  Get this - it was a one night, drunken hookup with someone she said she'd never consider doing anyhting with!  She implored that our relationship didn't have to be affected by her pregnancy.  What?

These people live in a constant state of delusion.  you do not see it that way.   your GF cutting herself is the same as my ex drinking 20 beers a day and sleeping around without any feelings.

i even reconnected with my ex in person after a year and a half.  i have been unable to move on, and keeping her in my life via contact made me feel happy.  We saw each other and spent the day and night together.  But it turned out badly.  Her actions nearly caused her severe harm.  My thoughts at the time things transpired were of her child, back home.  She obviously wasn't thinking of her child when she acted impulsively. The whole experience has destroyed me. I finally saw her at her most impulsive, destructive and irrational. She promised to make it up to me, and what happened?  I was totally ignored and abandoned. After everything I did for her.  And not a word since.

It is s hard, but you need to just go NC and let go.   I've been NC for 6 months now.  I have tolerable days, and bad days.  But I admit defeat - there is absolutely nothing I can do for her. And you cannot do anything for the girl you love. It won't get better.

[Madison66]

Figuring it out,

I'm 15 months out of a 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf.  There are similarities we all share in regards to these relationships and also at times with regard to why we were attracted to the pw PD and why we stayed.  My ex gf is/was high functioning and exhibited strong BPD and NPD traits.  The r/s was a flipping roller coaster - sometimes fantastic and other times really rough.  There were many early red flags that I noticed and glossed over.  When I couldn't figure out why things were so whacky emotionally for her, I sought out a couple T for us to go and see (about a year into the r/s).  The T quickly separated us and began seeing my ex gf individually.  The main focus was to work her regarding sexual abuse she endured as a teen by a female coach.  Predictably, the T ended a few sessions in and my ex gf painted the T black saying she didn't trust her and didn't feel safe.  I continued to see the T for the next 2+ years and she was honest with me that my ex gf's behavior would most likely grow worse and questioned if I was staying with her due to r/s addiction.  I didn't listen, but struggled to deal with the r/s and with my ex gf's behaviors.  The emotional and verbal abuse turned physical towards me in the last month we were together.  When I finally left the r/s, my T admitted to me that in 20+ years of practice she had only feared for the outcomes of three of her clients.  I was one of them.  The next several months of n/c and individual T were an up and down time that I really wouldn't want to repeat or wish on to anyone else. 

So, I understand your pain and am truly sorry to hear what you are going through.  Like you, I wanted to "figure it out", diagnose, help and save the r/s.  I didn't own my ex gf's PD, her struggles, her chaos, her needs, etc.  But, I allowed myself to be involved in all of these things and I allowed them to take away from who I was.  Like you, I thought I could figure it out. 

You are in a good place here on this site and there is a ton of support and information here.  What I learned from this site and from my own T is that I needed to turn the focus inward and take care of "me".  This is where I learned to let go and move on with my life.  I learned to let my values be my guide especially in r/s.  Most importantly, I learned to take care of myself first so I can be the best person, friend, brother, dad, partner, employee, lover, etc.  Take your time in processing all of this.  It is really not about her, but rather it is about you.  Good luck!

[Figuring it out]

Mr. Downtrodden,

I'm sorry for what you've gone though. You seem to have had it worse than me. It seems like BPDs are a sort of vortex drawing people in and taking what they need. I try not to blame her and feel sorry for the cage she's in. Congrats on the NC for 6 months!

Madison,

Thank you for your post and sharing your experiences. I've never heard about BPD until this girl and I'm learning so much through these forums and each person's experiences. I'm learning to take care of me and trying to heal and become a better person. Thanks!

[jhkbuzz]

Raisins,

That's exactly why I am leaving. I realize I cannot and should not accept infidelity as part of a relationship. I know I will meet someone else. I'm currently having a hard time with the emotional part of letting go because what we had was so intense. I understand that she may perhaps have manipulated it, but I don't feel that it's a conscious decision. I don't think I'll be going back, but I would like to see her better... .

I understand the intensity... .I had it in my r/s too, and I don't think the feelings that my ex had were manipulative at all... .I think she experienced genuine attraction and genuine need, mixed in with a genuine disorder.  I think she really believes that, with each new r/s, "this could be the one."

And it is... .for a while.  Until intimacy triggers the disorder and the chaos begins.

jhkbuzz,

It's great to know that others have experience what I have. First I wanted her so badly that I was trying to figure out ways to make it work. Like an open relationship or something, but I realized that I was making excuses for her. Thanks for the link, I'll take a look after work. It looks like it's going to help!

They are, like all of us, who they are. It's neither good nor bad -- it just is what it is.

In any sort of relationship, you have to evaluate whether or not you find the other person's personality compatible with yours. This can be problematic in the case of PDs, where we want to latch on to certain aspects as the "real" personality while denying other aspects. And that really doesn't seem fair to anyone involved."

I did that (in bold) for YEARS.  I loved her, we were in a committed r/s, and I was all-in with all the love, energy and perseverance I could muster (which, by the way, was quite a bit). None of it helped in the face of the disorder.  Seriously, none of it.  BPD is so terribly awful, in part, because the very intensity of love we feel for them triggers the disorder itself.

I also latched onto the good parts of her, by the way, as though they were "real" and those other parts (the ones that were lying and sleeping around) somehow weren't "really her."

But they were.  It was ALL her - the wondrous, lovely parts and the agonizingly callous and deceptive parts - all her.  And they were all part of her loong before I met her, and they will be part of her until the day she dies.

She is in therapy and I hope for the best for her.  But I can't take that journey with her - it's filled with too much pain.  For me.

[Trog]

Every time I see this thread the word 'regretfully' leaps out and makes me smile. Not too far down the line you'll realise it's the best decision of your life. There's a whole new world out there after this with a partner who isn't mentally compromises. It's not regretfully, it's finally, it's thankfully. You just don't know it yet. I guarantee you will.

[Figuring it out]

jhkbuzz,

I think that I associate with your perspective the most due to the similarities of our relationships and perspective on them. I'm not glad for your pain, but I find your experience gives me comfort in my choice of leaving the relationship. It was hard for me because I decided for the first time in my life that I would go all-in with my love and was hurt. However, I hope that I am able to be brave and continue to all myself to be vulnerable in future relationships. Thank you for your insight and good luck on your journey. I hope you find a suitable, reciprocal love in your life!

Trog,

Thanks for that. Even though it hurts now, there was a dark pang each time I didn't her back from her in the evening and my mind went to her being with someone else. I'm glad that I don't feel that anxiety anymore. I think you may be right!

[jhkbuzz]

jhkbuzz,

I think that I associate with your perspective the most due to the similarities of our relationships and perspective on them. I'm not glad for your pain, but I find your experience gives me comfort in my choice of leaving the relationship. It was hard for me because I decided for the first time in my life that I would go all-in with my love and was hurt. However, I hope that I am able to be brave and continue to all myself to be vulnerable in future relationships. Thank you for your insight and good luck on your journey. I hope you find a suitable, reciprocal love in your life!

Thank you

The best thing you can do now is to remain no contact - allow the wound time to heal and it will - and you'll move forward into a happier, healthier space.  Grieve as you need to, stick around on the boards, get out with friends and family - it will all get better with time if you remain n/c.