I found out that there's the possibility that we can get pregnant safely.

[crash42]

My wife was misdiagnosed as having BP1.  The medications she was on ruled out pregnancy.  Week before last, I sat down with her new pdoc, and we discussed her behavior.  He talked me through the last few months and years while my wife sat next to me in a nearly catatonic state.  We couldn't come up with any incidents over the last few months or years that indicated any manic episodes.  From his observations over the last few week, inpatient and outpatient, he changed her diagnosis from bipolar to MDD.  None of the meds she was taking were helping so he strongly suggested ECT.

That scared the hell out of me and certainly unsettled my wife even though, due to Lithium and a host of other drugs, she was really sure where or who she was.

To cut to the chase, she's had a couple of ECT treatments, and her pdoc as well as his PA are pleasantly surprised at how rapidly she's rebounded from MDD.  She's off all the meds that would cause complications during pregnancy.

We have a beautiful, genius of a little girl.  We want another kid, though.  Now it's theoretically possible.

Post postpartum depression was horrible six years ago.  My wife stayed in bed for a year.  There were, obviously, other complications, but it was a pretty dark time.

For very selfish reasons, I want a son.  I'm the last of my line.  I want someone to carry on the family name, even if it a common peasant name.

I'm worried about my wife's stability throughout pregnancy, though.  The first was awful.  Christopher Titus described it best as an "Estrogen Molotov Cocktail."

I want another kid so badly, but I worry about my wife mental health throughout even if the child's physical health isn't as risk from prescription drugs.

I'm very conflicted.  There are going to be a lot of very long, very difficult discussions in the future.     

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

What kind of mental state is your wife in? Can she even consent to having a baby- I mean this serously, she may be in an adult body, but does she function as an adult? Can she raise a baby? How well is she raising her other child? Is she capable of being alone with the baby? What is your financial situation- are you able to work if she needs help, or can you hire help?

These are important questions to ask. Your wife may be physically capable of bearing a child, but can she manage a pregnancy physically and mentally?

What about the baby? Who will take care of the baby's needs?

[vortex of confusion]

For very selfish reasons, I want a son.  I'm the last of my line.  I want someone to carry on the family name, even if it a common peasant name.

Think long and hard about this!

When I read this statement, I felt a bit triggered because I have four daughters. Every time I got pregnant after my first daughter was born, everybody would go on and on about "maybe it will be a boy". My MIL would go on and on and on about wanting a grandson to carry on the family name. There was a time when I felt like a complete failure because I was unable to have a boy. I know that there is no way to predict the gender of a child. I know a lot of things on an intellectual level. On a feelings level, it was totally different. On a feelings level, I felt like a failure. There are still times when people find out that I have 4 girls and will say stuff like, "So, are you going to try for a boy?"

[crash42]

And that's why I'm here, folks.  Lots of good talking points which I will to discuss with my wife with boundaries dwarfing the Berlin wall in place.

We're in new territory here.  We've just gotten the MDD diagnosis.  Tomorrow will be the third ECT treatment.  We're still in the shallows.  We have no idea how deep the water goes.  We'd resigned ourselves to being parents of an only child.  It was a shocked when we found out it was physically safe for us to have another all of two days ago.

In the past, I've felt like I was the parent of two small children.  Other times, she's been fine.  Controlling the comorbidities might go a long way to helping her gain more control over BPD symptoms.

The acid test for care will be observing the dynamic between her and our daughter over the next year or so.  There has certainly been no abuse or neglect, but she could do more. 

It's very early in the this process, but I have hope that we might have a second kid.  It's a distant beacon.

[maxsterling]

Well, I can tell you that I face a similar situation.  Me and my wife are both 39.  Both of us want kids.  Her - obsessively.  Me, only if we can be good parents.  Right now, she takes xanax and pain killers for chronic pain.  Her moods are unstable.  She talks about us getting pregnant soon, and wanting to stop all her meds in a few months so that can happen. 

Frankly, I am much less concerned about the meds harming a fetus than her moods harming the fetus/baby.  So my advice to you is:  Just because your wife has been re-diagnosed and no longer on meds, please don't overlook the effect her mental illness would have on a fetus/child, and please don't overlook how much the extra stress of an other child would effect your wife.  It could literally kill a child, or kill your wife. 

I understand - I'd like to have a child, too.  But considering that she is angry and violent every few days - it's really not a good situation to try and bring a child into.  If she could be stabilized on medications that have a low risk - I would think it be worth chancing it.  But I don't think I would risk chancing it with her mental illness untreated.  Your wife already had severe problems after your first child.  What makes you think this time would be any different?

[Wrongturn1]

I strongly suggest not having any additional children with a borderline spouse.  How is it fair to the kid-to-be that you would bring them into the world knowing that they will have an emotionally abusive and unstable mother?  Knowing that she is a borderline, can you in good conscience expose someone (the child) to that kind of upbringing?

[Cat Familiar]

I am the daughter of a mother with BPD. Although I know my mother loved me, my childhood was exceedingly painful and I didn't have an emotionally stable mother to turn to for help and advice. My dad, bless his heart, tried to be the steady one, but even he was worn down by my mother's mood swings and rages. I know she did the best she could, but I missed out on learning so much about relating to other people in a healthy way. This lack of emotional intelligence led to me being bullied by my peers and a terrible self-image which took years to overcome and much therapy.

As a college student, I realized that I was so ill-equipped as a young adult that I decided never to have children because I didn't want to inflict this negative programming upon them. Any steps towards independence that I took were perceived by my mother as betrayal and ultimately I had to sever ties with my parents. This led me to surrender to a relationship with a very determined young man, who was also a pwBPD, who ultimately persuaded me to marry him. He felt like family, and love, because being loved by a pwBPD was what I knew. It was a horrific marriage, with violence, rage, betrayal, but I stayed for years, thinking that if I just loved him enough that things would get better. They didn't.

I'm telling you this because I want you to think long and hard about the potential effects of bringing a child into a family with a parent with BPD. Of course there are undoubtedly happy stories out there, unlike mine, but in any case, a mother with BPD is a liability and will create problems for a child that can be long lasting. Please think very carefully about the consequences of your wife's mental illness on a child's life.