Memories coming back?

[lavalove]

Recently a lot of childhood memories have been coming back to me, such as what the house I grew up in looks like, and I have this weird new feeling of connection to living there that was lost for so long. I am going to seek counseling, but does anybody have any insight into why this is happening or how to deal with it? I grew up with a mom with BPD. Any thoughts are greatly appreciated!

[tjay933]

when we are around a BPD for a long time we tend to build walls around feelings. we block them out as the BPD often will tell us they are wrong and we of course believe them. when we are away from the BPD for a while, feelings come back and we need to deal with them now since we "couldn't" deal with them then. if we let them pile up and don't deal with them, they will overflow at the most inconvenient times and for no reason at all. what you are experiencing is normal and i'm glad to hear you are seeking help. it may take a while for the feelings to start to stabilize-it did for me and it sounds like you had it longer and worse than me. for a long time i would just start crying for no reason at all and it would come and go off and on. now things are stabilizing and feelings will come and go for reasons no just because of memories. have a good cry when ever you feel like it. it is good therapy for you to let it go.

[clljhns]

  lavalove,

does anybody have any insight into why this is happening or how to deal with it? I grew up with a mom with BPD

There can be events in our lives that trigger memories. Has anything changed for you? Moved? New job? New relationship? Are these memories related to the relationship with your mom?

Is mom still a part of your life? If so, what does the relationship look like now?

Glad you are here. You are among friends who understand are here to support you!

Let us know how we can help. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Lavalove,

Welcome!   First I'm sorry that you are going thru the discomfort of having these memories come up, but it may be a sign that some things inside you are loosening up. I agree with clljhns that you should take a look at the things that have recently changed around you as those may be what are causing the memories to surface.  There's nothing wrong with this, and it helped me a lot to know I wasn't alone in having memories come back. It is quite normal and an experience I've gone through and continue to go through. I've found a great T who helps me work through them. I also had an uBPDm.

How is your search for a counselor coming along? Do your memories cause fear right now or are they more neutral?

Keep in touch and let us know how things are going for you!

Woolspinner

[lavalove]

Thanks guys for the feedback. They are mostly neutral memories of what things used to look like or places I used to be. I am still in the process of looking for a therapist, the first one I tried fell through. There haven't been any major changes in my life, the only thing out of the ordinary is right before this started a friend showed me how to play computer games online that I haven't played since I was really little in these same places.

Mom still is a part of my life on very superficial terms. We are on a limited contact basis. She has actually gotten much better over the years, but I am so far from trusting her that it doesn't really matter except to make me feel guilty about not being more open to her.

Lavalove

[isilme]

I've always had really good "factual" recall of events and surroundings, but often, especially if it was bad, the feelings are dim, muted or gone.  Often, they are like watching a movie about someone else.

My break through crisis came about when the feelings came back and started to re-attach to the memories.  I think some of it had to do with friends getting married and having kids, and being able to finally see how family life work for people I know, like and love.  I was an only child, isolated by distance and taboo from all family, not really allowed friends, and so our house was loads of fun with two BPD parents and me.  And my awesome cat who was my lifeline. 

Anyway, I'd find myself feeling unending sadness and even anger/rage at things I'd remember.  I think the "little" me that lives inside the grown up me was finally feeling safe admitting she was hurt and angry over missing out on the love and life that my friends are giving their own children.  I was distressed enough that at a my annual check up, I asked my MD about it, and while trying to talk about it, broke down sobbing.  I was sobbing a lot at that time.  I am not someone who seeks help if there is a way to do something alone - I never had help, and so don't like asking for it unless I absolutely need it.

The MD put me on a 3 month trial of an Anti-D, and it helped.  Given my mother was a substance abuser, I get nervous with alcohol, let alone mood altering drugs, but I was really facing a crisis.  At first, it made me really numb, but everything was so sharp, that was good for me at the time.  Then, things came back, but there were no longer unbearable.  Finally, after loads of time here, and trying to open up more to my BF (now FI), I felt brave enough to wean myself off the Anti-Ds (losing benefits due to a layoff helped, too).  Now, I think I am doing a bit better.  I can let FI see me cry when I am having a bad day.

I think memories can be repressed to protect us.  Things come back as you are better ready for them, or have gotten to where at least part of your brain thinks you are strong enough for them.