What specific parental behaviors contribute to BPD?

[goateeki]

I have read all I can find on the subject of BPD.  My pwBPD was my dBPDxw.

I have read probably twenty times that parental behaviors, probably specific behaviors of the mother more than the father, can contribute to a child developing the raw materials for what will later bloom into BPD.  The early life of the pwBPD seems to be very significant. 

However, I haven't read ANYTHING that describes what these behaviors are.  I see terms like abuse and neglect.  What can a mother do during early childhood development that so completely screws a person up? 

In the case of my pwBPD, the mother abandoned her at age 11 after announcing that she was having an affair, that "the sex is great" and that she was leaving, pronto.  And leave she did, returning in the following 14 months only to burglarize the house.  There were subsequent events in the life of my pwBPD that would seem symptomatic of the development of the condition, like promiscuity/abortion at a relatively young age, a broken engagement, and then there was the great misfortune of rape at the hands of a complete stranger who was lying in wait along a jogging path. 

The only thing that my T has said (and it makes sense, as all we can do in her case is resort to surmise) is that the manner in which her mother abandoned the family appears "pathological" and we can guess the quality of parenting that preceded that event. 

But what, in early life, does a mother do (specifically) that causes the object constancy issues, expectations of environment, etc.?  I think about this a lot and I don't know.  Is it a failure to feed the child in a timely fashion?  Is it dropping the child in a crib and leaving her there while she cries?  There has never been a suggestion that in the case of my pwBPD, her mother didn't feed and clothe her properly.  Her mother is the most critical, passive aggressive, shaming and judgmental person I have ever met, but she doesn't strike me as one who would not nail the basics of taking care of her offspring.   

I note that the sister of my pwBPD (my former sister-in-law) is well into her 40's and alone.  She spends pretty much all of her free time with another woman, also in her 40's and alone, who has been her best friend most of her life.  My dBPDxw joins them.  My dBPDxw has a father who is the most passive person I've ever met, as well.  Yes, it's true: in my former MIL and FIL, we have the most critical person I've ever met paired with the most passive person I've ever met.  Do those facts provide clues to my pwBPD's early life? 

[eeks]

I don't know if it's causative, but I have read BPD associated with a disorganized attachment style, which happens when the parent, who is supposed to be the source of safety and getting needs met, is also the source of danger.  So the child's attachment drive and their self-protection (fight-or-flight) drive get activated at the same time... .and when I just think about it now, I can see how that could lead to some of the confusing and inconsistent behaviours we have experienced with pwBPD. 

Feeding and clothing a child are far from the only needs the child has... .the way I understand it to happen, is that the way a child develops their "sense of self" is by interacting with the parent, where the parent's self holds up a reliable, consistent "mirror" to the child, so to speak.  If the parent is scary or unpredictable, the child doesn't have that mirror to bounce off of, and so does not develop a cohesive, persisting sense of self.

I seem to remember reading a lot of pwBPD were sexually abused as well... .not sure what the connection is there but I can imagine that as a violation of physical and emotional integrity, an overwhelming experience, and that one of the defenses against that experience might be splitting.

I posted a link to a video that I found helpful to understanding - www.dianepooleheller.com/2015/01/video-4/

The combination of one emotionally abusive parent and one passive parent (who presumably lets it happen, both to themselves and to the child, doesn't protect the child) seems relevant, but I don't know if BPD is the only "psychological strategy" for dealing with that dysfunction. 

Come to think of it, both my uBPD ex and uBPD ex-friend, their parents fought and the father blamed/scapegoated the child for the argument, physically abusing the child. (they were both the eldest child in their family)

[Turkish]

BPD parents put their children at great risk for developing BPD themselves. There is also the inborn biogenetic influence (heightened motional sensitivity, or lower emotional resilience).

If you want a good overview of the influence that a BPD mother can have on her children, pick up Understanding the Borderline Mother. We also have some material here:

Article 8: How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

REFERENCE: Child development and parents with mental illness

Workshop - BPD: Problematic mothering/parenting

TOOLS: When are the children of a BPD parent at risk?

[JRT]

My ex's father was a raging alcoholic. She never went into a ton of detail about some of his rages but described them as sometimes violent. There was smashing of things and such but perhaps the most damaging that she recalled is that he would call them 'worthless' and they they were the source of his every problem. Meanwhile, he made foolish financial decisions which caused the family to move roughly once a year. My ex was never able to establish roots and friendships that are critical in developing emotional maturity. Also, it seems that the parents did little if anything to mitigate inter-sibling rivalries and problems, some of which were eyebrow raising. It also didn't help that she was a socially awkward in school and that her peers picked on her (or so she reported).

At 46 years old, my ex has had only 4 serious relationships all which have failed. Her son is an emotional and functional disaster. The remainder of her siblings, though mostly married, all have troubled relationships teetering on divorce.

[goateeki]

I think that it is remotely possible that she was touched by her father after her mother abandoned the family.  I have no evidence other than some unusual reactions to certain things, like her angry insistence that our 10 year old daughter have a lock on her bedroom door. 

Also, after the marriage collapsed and we started sleeping in different rooms, she would always close and lock the door of the guest room where she slept. 

After nearly twenty years of marriage, I am convinced that I do not know her at all, and never did.

[raisins3142]

Unless they do raised apart twin studies or something similar, genetics and environment are really confounded here.  A mom has genetics for BPD and then creates an environment that might also cause it.  It is difficult to tease apart as they move together.

For instance, your ex's mother abandoned her, but her mom sounds BPD in order to do that sort of thing to begin with.  So again, genetics and environment intertwined.

I split the difference and so both matter.  My ex's dad was diagnosed NPD, and her brother is probably NPD/ASPD from descriptions of him.

[Trog]

My ex had an unsupportive and cruel mother and her mother was also unsupportive and blatantly favoured her other children and made (and still makes today) no bones about concealing the fact. This is a generational issue that is passed down thru the generations. If my ex manages to have children they too would be born only to fulfill her and would meet with the same cruel tongue and push/pull unstable adolescence. This was a major reason for my leaving. It's sad and someone needs to break the cycle, I doubt it will be my ex

[goateeki]

My ex had an unsupportive and cruel mother and her mother was also unsupportive and blatantly favoured her other children and made (and still makes today) no bones about concealing the fact. This is a generational issue that is passed down thru the generations. If my ex manages to have children they too would be born only to fulfill her and would meet with the same cruel tongue and push/pull unstable adolescence. This was a major reason for my leaving. It's sad and someone needs to break the cycle, I doubt it will be my ex

I think that this is so interesting.  Watching my dBPDxw, and marriage, fall apart was disturbing but also revealing.  She said to me at one point "I only had the children because I thought there was something missing in my life and I thought that having them would fix it, but it didn't." It's almost as if this belief (admission? sentiment?) comes from the same place as your ex's stance toward kids (assuming it's a stance).   

[Trog]

My ex had an unsupportive and cruel mother and her mother was also unsupportive and blatantly favoured her other children and made (and still makes today) no bones about concealing the fact. This is a generational issue that is passed down thru the generations. If my ex manages to have children they too would be born only to fulfill her and would meet with the same cruel tongue and push/pull unstable adolescence. This was a major reason for my leaving. It's sad and someone needs to break the cycle, I doubt it will be my ex

I think that this is so interesting.  Watching my dBPDxw, and marriage, fall apart was disturbing but also revealing.  She said to me at one point "I only had the children because I thought there was something missing in my life and I thought that having them would fix it, but it didn't." It's almost as if this belief (admission? sentiment?) comes from the same place as your ex's stance toward kids (assuming it's a stance).   

Yes, she felt strongly there was something missing what she wants (again) is unconditional love in her image, when the child would try to assert itself it will be in for a world of pain. She was also terrible with children. She claimed to love them but would just stare at them, not play with them, not seemingly interested in their development or emerging personalities just staring and passing comments about the parenting style of whomever was there. This freaked me out and many other people commented on it. It was like she saw them as little curiosities

[JRT]

It all rolls downhill... .my ex's son is a HUGE mess... .barely graduated from high school and cannot hold down a job for more than a week or two before he gets himself fired for being obnoxious. I really don't see him ever being independent... .maybe a halfway house of some sort. A tragedy as he is abundantly intelligent.

[HappyNihilist]

Disordered attachment is a big part of BPD. Whether it's causative or correlative will probably forever be up for debate. Attachment disorders don't have to stem from abuse or mistreatment, either - divorce, or the death (even illness) of a caregiver, can also cause disturbed attachments.

"75-90% of borderlines show disturbed attachment patterns. Thus, the borderline's [behaviors] and lack of a stable sense of self may be derived from attachment disorders." -Thomas Fuchs, "Fragmented Selves: Temporality and Identity in Borderline Personality Disorder" (pdf of full article)

eeks already said it so well. I'd just like to add a couple of article recommendations for anyone wanting to read more.

I don't know if it's causative, but I have read BPD associated with a disorganized attachment style, which happens when the parent, who is supposed to be the source of safety and getting needs met, is also the source of danger.  So the child's attachment drive and their self-protection (fight-or-flight) drive get activated at the same time... .and when I just think about it now, I can see how that could lead to some of the confusing and inconsistent behaviours we have experienced with pwBPD.  

Probably the best article I've read on this subject is "Early experience, structural dissociation, and emotional dysregulation in borderline personality disorder" by Dolores Mosquera (full article)--

The caregiver is at the same time the source of protection and the source of danger. Attachment needs are conjoined with fear and defensive responses. This is an insurmountable biological paradox that can be addressed only by maintaining divisions within personality subsystem.

Feeding and clothing a child are far from the only needs the child has... .the way I understand it to happen, is that the way a child develops their "sense of self" is by interacting with the parent, where the parent's self holds up a reliable, consistent "mirror" to the child, so to speak.  If the parent is scary or unpredictable, the child doesn't have that mirror to bounce off of, and so does not develop a cohesive, persisting sense of self.

Peter Fonagy's article "Attachment and Borderline Personality Disorder" (pdf of full article) is a great resource for understanding this aspect as it pertains to BPD... .and helps explain how the borderline's partner takes on the role of persecutor ("punitive parent"--

In place of an image corresponding to the constitutional self, the self-representation will be the representation of another. In [some cases], this is not a neutral other but rather a torturing one. [... .] This alien representation has to be expelled, not only because it doesn't match the constitutional self, but also because it is persecutory.

For the self to be coherent, the alien parts require externalization; they need to be seen as part of the other where they can be hated, denigrated, and often destroyed. The physical other who performs this function must remain present if this complex process is to operate. The borderline cannot feel that he is a self unless he has the other present to frighten and intimidate, to seduce and excite, to humiliate and reduce to helplessness.

Which brings us back to the role we played in this dysfunctional dance.

[Invictus01]

Basically, emotional neglect/abuse to the point where the child thinks that no matter what he/she is doing will never be good enough. So, the child starts faking what he or she thinks the parent would want to hear/see in order to get the approval. My ex didn't go into too many details of her early childhood but some stories she has told me were something else. When she was applying for colleges, her mother told her - "Why did you even bother to apply there, you aren't good enough to get in" When her brother had a mental breakdown and had to be hospitalized (where he was diagnosed bipolar), her mother refused to leave her business and come over half way across the country to help. She almost flunked out of college trying to take care of him and studying. She told me not until a couple of years ago when she got her current job her mother ever once told her that she was proud of her. I can only imagine what all she had to put up with as a little child. She told me her mother pretty much disappeared out of her life just to show up a couple of years ago. I met her mother - she is a narc and a half. My ex's hatred towards her runs so deep that she even changed her last name because she didn't want to be associated with her.

[Turkish]

I don't know if it's causative, but I have read BPD associated with a disorganized attachment style, which happens when the parent, who is supposed to be the source of safety and getting needs met, is also the source of danger.  So the child's attachment drive and their self-protection (fight-or-flight) drive get activated at the same time... .and when I just think about it now, I can see how that could lead to some of the confusing and inconsistent behaviours we have experienced with pwBPD.  

Probably the best article I've read on this subject is "Early experience, structural dissociation, and emotional dysregulation in borderline personality disorder" by Dolores Mosquera (full article)--

The caregiver is at the same time the source of protection and the source of danger. Attachment needs are conjoined with fear and defensive responses. This is an insurmountable biological paradox that can be addressed only by maintaining divisions within personality subsystem.

My mother's splitting depended on her moods, of course. At a very young age I remember, "sometimes i wish I'd never adopted you!" I would be horrified to think that about my children, much less say it. This was juxtaposed by other times she saying, "you're such a great son,.and everybdy tells me that." In my teen years, during her worse dysregulation and depression,.it was, "You've got everybody fooled! Everyone thinks you are a great kid, but they don't know the real Turkish like i do!" Yes, she referred to me as if I were someone else.

I was constantly getting smacked around. On the way to school once in second grade, I was already kind of in tears, as I was occasionally on the way to school. I could never remember what exactly I did to cause my mom to berate me to tears. She reached for the shifter and I flinched. She back-handed me hard enough that my head smacked the window. I exclaimed, "what did you hit me for?" She replied, "if you act like you're going to get hit then you will be!" I was 7.  

When I was a freshman in high school, 13 and 14 that year, I remember one of the guys in PE getting hurt in flag football. He was crying, and I thought, "that's weak." I resolved to myself to never cry again for anybody, or from pain. And I didn't for years, even with my mom getting worse each year and we being something like homeless until my senior year.

The summer after graduating, I was counting down the days until my 18th birthday. I wanted to move out, but my mom convinced me I wasn't an adult until 18 and I couldn't do that legally. I was in a horrific motorcycle accident one early fall night: multiple lacerations, a lot of blood, a partially severed quad tendon and a kneecap exposed to the bone. I limped to the first house in town, pushmy hands slipping on blood, so I had to lift my bike with my jacketed forearms. No one was home. I pounded on the door with my elbows so as not to bloody their entryway. I left my bike there and limped a block to the next house. They were home. They helped clean my hands up, but then saw my knee. My mom wasn't the first person I called, it was a friend, an EMT who wasn't home (his parents would give me grief for years when I hung up after they told me that). Then I called my mom. The people said that my knee was so bad that they would take me the 10 miles to the hospital. Only when I was in the car and safe did I cry a little from the pain, breaking my vow.

To my mom's credit, she was kind to me. She took me home the next day after surgery. I was barely ambulatory for the first day. 3 weeks later, I turned 18, and signed a lease with a high school buddy as a roommate. I was in a straight leg brace and on crutches for a month following, and then used a cane for months afterwards. That was 25 years ago and I've not spent a night back in her home since. My visits are about an hour at most.

If any if that sounds familiar (minus the bike accident), join us over on the Coping and Healing Board. It was only after about 6 months of hanging out here on Leaving that I started to think about my childhood and my mom. Stuffing one's feelings like I did was a survival mechansim, but it wasn't healthy. My Ex used to complain about that, and there is some truth there.

All in all, if I weren't naturally (biologically?) resilient, I might have ended up BPD myself ("good" and "bad" child rolled into one), rather than just having some hermit traits vis-a-vis social interaction... .and which I brought into my r/s by avoidance.