Help Contacted by ex after 45 days NC.

[FlSunshineGirl]

I guess I'm just needing to vent and be reassured that what I'm doing is the right thing. I don't plan on contacting him back.

It's been almost 45 days of NC between my ex and I.

We had 5 1/2 years of on and off.

This last time when we went NC (just 45 days ago), he told me how toxic the relationship was and how he couldn't do it anymore. I said let's agree to say goodbye and let each other go. He agreed.

I have been through so much crap with this sick relationship. The push/pull, lying, manipulation, threats of self harm when I needed space. He was working on my replacement towards the end.

Why do they do this to us? Why can't they just let us move on and move on themselves.

The previous "breakup" to this one was him telling me he needed to say goodbye to get healthy and work on himself. I actually believed it. But I found out he emailed a friend and said, "I said goodbye to her for a very, very long time.i tell myself it's best for me and her. She wasn't meeting my needs anyway. God knows she tried."

And even after reading his words, I took him back. What a sucker I am.

His email to me today:

"I have no crazy motives or requests in writing you. I just wanted to tell you I miss you. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you and wonder how you are. I miss you. I miss my friend."

For a split second I thought of replying. Then I remembered all the chaos, the fighting, the drama... .so I am not going to reply, all though a part of me wants to ask him why if he felt this relationship was so toxic, he would miss me. Part of me wants to tell him what a waste of years of my life being with him was.

Does anyone else feel like they are being the bad guy by not responding back to their ex after going NC?

Why does doing the right thing and the healthy thing for us feel like we are being a jerk?

He has been diagnosed with BPD and BiPolar.

[Rifka]

Take a deep breath Sunshine. Yes i know it must be a fight within yourself to not respond because A non in a BPD relationship thinks with a healthier mind based on a more traditional relationship.

I also got contacted recently by my ex BPDbf, 6 month have passed without so much as a peep, but there it was, two missed calls from him.

I know that for myself I had to just really step back again and evaluate why he might do such a thing. It did slightly ruffle my feathers. I am way past wanting or feeling any urge to respond. It def did make many thoughts flash back, but I remember the pain and everything else bad that come with any type of acknowledgement.

My thoughts stay with me, on this board and with my new boyfriend.

Learning the skills here about continuing n/c for ourselves was a lesson well learned.

I'm sorry that they do this, but apparently many of them do, try not to focus too much attention on more questions about why with your ex, just try to turn the focus to you and what you have to do for you to make it to the 60 day Mark!

Nothing good is suppose to come easy! N/c is a lifesaver.

I hope this help a little!



Rifka

[Heldfast]

Sunshine, 45 days sounds really great! I'm with Rifka, just look fir the next benchmark. You can do anything for 15 days, just keep at it. Wishing you nothing but love and support.

[FlSunshineGirl]

Thank you so much Rifka and Heldfast! I appreciate all your kind words and advice! Boy hearing from him today was painful and really messed with my head. But I am going to look towards the next benchmark like you said and keep focused on the many reasons it didn't work and all the unhealthy qualities. And how I deserve a healthy relationship and to heal and move on.

This will be a big step for me, because in the 5 1/2 years, I've ALWAYS let him re-engage me. Not this time! Hugs to you both!

- Sunshine

[DyingLove]

That's a toughie.  I'm on my way out in a couple of weeks. Listening to your post actually makes me feel like I'm going to quit smoking or something and then relapse.  I just wrote a post about getting scared today... .kinda related.  I know that NC is very important.  I wanna move out of here when she's at work and leave and never look back and NC.  That's my goal now.  I hope I get stronger by time I leave.

Stay strong Sunshine... .I know it's easier said than done. 

[FlSunshineGirl]

Your situation is extremely difficult Dyinglove.

It's so hard to leave them from the things they have told us and how they love bomb us to get us back and all the things they try to keep us.

You have to do what's best for you and your son. Trust your gut instinct. It's scary starting over... .but I don't think any of us would have been happy staying in these very unhealthy relationships.

Good luck to you!

- Sunshine

[DyingLove]

Your situation is extremely difficult Dyinglove.

It's so hard to leave them from the things they have told us and how they love bomb us to get us back and all the things they try to keep us.

You have to do what's best for you and your son. Trust your gut instinct. It's scary starting over... .but I don't think any of us would have been happy staying in these very unhealthy relationships.

Good luck to you!

- Sunshine

Thank you sunshine. I definitely am going with my gut instinct if I can't trust that then I'm doomed. I definitely love that phrase love bomb and it's so right on the money. Scary starting over, yes yes and yes. But in between the little bits of fear I am looking forward to the exciting things that I'm going to be living out. One of the hardest things is going to be leaving here. I have that fear of not getting out in time and procrastination and that kinda ugly stuff. But I know once the house is in the truck and the truck leaves the driveway it's a done deal. Yesterday I made porkchops the way everybody likes them when she came home with her kid we sat down and ate probably the first day in a long time that I actually saw the BPD smile a little bit and also at one point acknowledge the fact that I'm a good cook. Had a lot of difficulties with the nine-year-old last night her attitude is just all over the place and she's definitely got BPD or she's a candidate for she's got a lot of problems this kid. She's a lot better since I've been here for the past four years, but she still got a lot issues now she's going to have more issues with me leaving, and I know that. The mothers trying to act like a mother now and she's being very obvious about it even to the point of speaking LOUD.

While I definitely can't wait to get outta here and write up a few good posts about how great I'm doing and I hope that could be inspirational to people just the same as it is good to share when we have grief as well. Thank you for your good sentiments I appreciated sunshine.

[FlSunshineGirl]

Definitely keep us posted DyingLove! So very sad her daughter is being affected by her disorder and already starting to show symptoms of it.

I have been thinking the last two days about how being in a relationship with someone with BPD is so different than being in one with a non. I've never had difficulty moving on and getting past other relationships of mine that didn't work out. They were with other non's. It's like we all must have PTSD from being with the BPD ex's! I've never had to go on a support website to move on or go check out books at the library to help me end a relationship and figure out what the h*ll just happened in it! This is so crazy! They must really trigger serious issues in us that none of our other relationships triggered.

Did you say you guys had broken up and gotten back together in the past or will this be the first breakup?

In leaving my BPD ex, anytime I tried to do what I did in past relationships that ended and have a talk and be honest and upfront anoit what wasn't working, we had an amicable split.

No one tried to manipulate me with flowers, cards, gifts and whatever to try to get me to stay. I didn't have anyone threaten to harm themselves.

My ex did so many crazy, messed up things and it's really messed me up emotionally and getting over this has been really hard.

He would say if I didn't see an us in the future it was only fair I be honest with him. When I did tell him I saw many unhealthy things and I wasn't happy and could no longer see a future with him, he freaked out! Basically picked his skin on his thumbs to a bloody mess. Told me he was going to baker act himself... .totally insane! Then an hour later he was perfectly fine?

Dealing with him being controlling, extremely jealous, lacking motivation, an eating disorder, chain smoking... .I can't for the life figure out why I put up with what I did for as long as I did!

So I say all that to say, just be careful when you leave. If she freaks out you will be possibly emotionally manipulated if she had a big fear of abandonment like mine did. And she could try to destroy your things or who knows what! Something my ex also did when he was left by a previous girlfriend.  They lived together, we never did.

Just keep focused on what you want and what you need. Towards the end I just remember I was always thinking and saying to myself, "this isn't what I want!"

[DyingLove]

Definitely keep us posted DyingLove! So very sad her daughter is being affected by her disorder and already starting to show symptoms of it.

I have been thinking the last two days about how being in a relationship with someone with BPD is so different than being in one with a non. I've never had difficulty moving on and getting past other relationships of mine that didn't work out. They were with other non's. It's like we all must have PTSD from being with the BPD ex's! I've never had to go on a support website to move on or go check out books at the library to help me end a relationship and figure out what the h*ll just happened in it! This is so crazy! They must really trigger serious issues in us that none of our other relationships triggered.

Did you say you guys had broken up and gotten back together in the past or will this be the first breakup?

In leaving my BPD ex, anytime I tried to do what I did in past relationships that ended and have a talk and be honest and upfront anoit what wasn't working, we had an amicable split.

No one tried to manipulate me with flowers, cards, gifts and whatever to try to get me to stay. I didn't have anyone threaten to harm themselves.

My ex did so many crazy, messed up things and it's really messed me up emotionally and getting over this has been really hard.

He would say if I didn't see an us in the future it was only fair I be honest with him. When I did tell him I saw many unhealthy things and I wasn't happy and could no longer see a future with him, he freaked out! Basically picked his skin on his thumbs to a bloody mess. Told me he was going to baker act himself... .totally insane! Then an hour later he was perfectly fine?

Dealing with him being controlling, extremely jealous, lacking motivation, an eating disorder, chain smoking... .I can't for the life figure out why I put up with what I did for as long as I did!

So I say all that to say, just be careful when you leave. If she freaks out you will be possibly emotionally manipulated if she had a big fear of abandonment like mine did. And she could try to destroy your things or who knows what! Something my ex also did when he was left by a previous girlfriend.  They lived together, we never did.

Just keep focused on what you want and what you need. Towards the end I just remember I was always thinking and saying to myself, "this isn't what I want!"

Thank you sunshine. This is our first breakup, far from being the first argument/fight that could have caused breakups, this is the first time.

I've written things so many times already it's hard to keep track, one of the horrible things that happened was during our arguing on the eighth, the day after it all really happened, she said to me: well you know if you don't like it here you could leave!, I replied that I know that I could leave if I wanted to. What I was saying is that I really did not want to and I wanted things to be okay. Her reply was PROVE IT! After that I kinda went ballistic and started packing clothes. It was more of an attempt to just keep busy and do something and not look like I was going to stand around and take her crap. Well it ended up being something that was not going to un-happen.

As I was just telling someone else past two days she's been kind of nicer. I've already juggled the thought in my head that I don't want this to happen, things can get better, I love her etc. And in between those thoughts, I think of her running to her mother's house and staying there overnight or for two days, and taking the nine-year-old away from me and my company, and getting her brothers and sisters involved. I know the whole damn families got problems, and the faster I could get away from everybody the better. Too many pretenders, people pretending to like you or understand you just because you're with someone else. I don't need these fakes in my life!