Walking on eggshells again,any tips for communicating ?

[Kasina]

Hello all,

Well my bf had again starting communicating with me and he is kind of opening up to me about his feelings and why he wanted to break up it turns out to be that it was due to his feeling of worthlessness and also as I have been very busy since past few weeks so he felt rejected.

Now he says that he can't let me in his life because he can't face all of it and he said he is fed up with all the competition he faces as I m perfect and I have a great life with so much good ahead and also because I had so many proposals ... before he proposed one of my co worker proposed to me but I said no immediately telling him that I m committed.

I talked to him and tried my best to reassure him of my love and tried to comfort his feelings using SET.its really hard to implicate it for real specially using the right words and sentences so that I don't come off as accusing or invalidating ...

My question is how to respond to his feelings of unworthiness and his social anxieties?

E.g when he says my life is pathetic ... which is true to some extent because so much has happened to him since past few years ... he lost his brother in an accident,dropped out of college and now he just stays home doing nothing cause he thinks he's not ready to join the world again... he tried once to start school but he couldn't continue ...

How am I suppose to support him but still motivate him so that he can get a job or start college again?

My second question is I feel he's really threatened by me being way to close to him he feels as if he's losing control and I will hurt him... how can I help him resolve this intimacy issue?

I desperately feel that he needs to go to T but I don't think he is ready ...

Please any advice?

Thankyou .

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[Kasina]

Sorry I forgot to mention that my uBPDbf broke up with me a month ago and started giving me silent treatment.we were engaged

[waverider]

This really a hard one as by trying to help, you are validating he needs help, which reinforces his own sense of incapability.

My partner is in this hole. Where once she used to be able to bluff her way through life, the bluffing wont work and she feels exposed and vulnerable and runs away. Either you have it all together or you dont. black and white thinking, cant simply be a participant.

I let a lot of this happen by over helping. She once told me that I am enabling her to be disabled. A good insight. I am slowly turning that around but it will take a long time.

So what should you do? I think you should work out a definable line about what help you can do, where you will support but not help, and where you can completely leave him to his own means. He needs to kick some goals for himself to feel any sense of worth, then follow the path back up with support and encouragement.

Think of it as trying to get someone with a fear of public appearances to come up on stage with you to perform lead role in front of a large audience. It needs to be done in stages.

Try showing him some of your vulnerable side and ask for his help, make him feel like he has qualities you don't.

[Kasina]

Thankyou waverider,

Your reply was very insightful.

I totally agree with this part that I need to show him my vulnerable side and tell him that he has qualities that I don't and I am

Alai thinking about asking for his help now and then so that he feels that he has importance and feels needed.

I have been trying it and has helped in a way that even though he is still very intense about the way his feelings are but likes to talk now and then .

I have been trying to figure out about a recent conversation that I had with him in which his behavior was very confusing to me.



   

Re: Should I try and talk to him now?

« Reply #9 on: Today at 01:55:45 PM »

Quote  Modify

Hello eagles juju,

Thankyou for responding I understand this that I should validate him and try not to trigger him when he's dysregulated and also it's important know the difference between validating and enabling .

       

i felt  that he's struggling because of me but not due to the fact that I do something or say anything invalidating but due to fact that I have a life besides him.i.e that I have supporting friends and a very loving family who love me and care for me.

He feels challenged as if he thinks that he has to compete against them to

Gain my love and attention when honestly it's not like that .

He's my priority and there's a clear demarcation between him and my family everyone has there place in my life.

Recently when I was trying to communicate with him about the fact that he's been feeling neglected by me he said to me that' you are social you have a great life.you are perfect and everyone wants you while my life is pathetic and secluded'.

He said that we should break up because its not going to work.somehow he had started to feel that I m this perfect person that everyone desires for while he's worthless' .

I have tried using SET and validation but he is still consumed by his misconception .

He told me to go respond to to my friends proposal first and date other people who want to be with me and if no one will accepted you then he would'.

What does this even means?i told him that I don't want to be with anyone else but he doesn't believe me ... he believes that he is nothing to me.

I have even tried to convince him that no one really wants me at all but nothing seems to work.

I really don't know what have I done or why is he in so much pain and dysregulated about?

What can I do about this?any advice?