Face to Face

[new2pain]

Trying to see if anyone has had a hard time getting face to face communication restarted... .I will go for a few days with little to no contact, then she will start to text or even call, but when topic of seeing each other comes up, maybe after 2 or 3 days of texting back and forth, the communication stops.  I have been just not continuing to try and contact her until she contacts me, but then the cycle just continues.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[vortex of confusion]

It sounds like she doesn't want to see you in person and is unwilling to be up front about it. This sounds like common push/pull behavior.

I haven't read your story so I am not sure of whether or not this is a gf/bf or a spouse and what it is that you want out of the relationship. What is your purpose for wanting to see her in person?

Hopefully, somebody with more experience with this issue will chime in soon. Wanted to offer you some words of support and let you know that you are not alone. Trying to figure out how to effectively communicate with a pwBPD traits can be very tricky. Also, any time there is a communication breakdown of any kind, it is really difficult to get it going in the right direction again.

[new2pain]

She is gf/ex who is with replacement.

She says she cant see me  because she is emotionally attached and unable to be in a relationship. We did go to couples T 2 weeks ago and T agrees. She did facetime me on friday and immediately started crying and got super emotional... So she is up front about this, what I want out of seeing her is more of an opportunity to try some of the new communication tools I think I have learned here, its very hard by text because she is able to just stop.

[EaglesJuju]

She says she cant see me  because she is emotionally attached and unable to be in a relationship. We did go to couples T 2 weeks ago and T agrees. She did facetime me on friday and immediately started crying and got super emotional... So she is up front about this, what I want out of seeing her is more of an opportunity to try some of the new communication tools I think I have learned here, its very hard by text because she is able to just stop.

I understand your want to have more communication in person. 

It may be really hard for her to see you in person because she has feelings of shame and sadness associated with you.  Seeing you face-to-face trigger those feelings, hence she becomes super emotional. 

She may not be ready to see you in person on a constant basis.  Texting/calling may be the only thing she can handle at the moment. 

I completely understand how texting can be really frustrating, especially with the ability to stop a conversation at a whim. 

I have had many conversations with my bf via text.  For a very long time, he could not even hear my voice on the phone. Texting was the best option and allowed me to still use communication tools. My bf seems to prefer texting, so he can go back and re-read things I say that are validating.

Have you tried using communication tools while texting?

[Loosestrife]

My personal experience is this is a control tactic.

[new2pain]

I have tried using SET, it usualy works to get her to communicate more, but still not address any real issues, usually at the first mention of meeting or our possibility of working on r/s she breaks contact.

I think she is doing this to be controlling as she is with replacement, and I guess im still allowing her to be in control. I know his work schedule and can tell increase in her communication with me, while he is working... .Funny because she swears what they have is not a relationship.  I wonder what would happen if I told him about her visit to my office(sex) phone calls(sex) or pictures she sends.

Im still in love with her, and to weak to decline her, but my head is like how could I ever trust her when she cheated on me with him and now cheating on him with me... .

This is most painful, confusing thing... .

[MaroonLiquid]

I have dealt with this with my wife a lot, especially the last 8 months.  There is a mixture of control and shame associated with this.  My wife had to be in control to keep from dealing with their emotion and shame.  It is about control, and not always in a sinister way.  It is so they don't have to deal with what they have done/doing.  It's easier that way for them.  The way I have combatted that (finally) is to step back completely in a loving way and not give her that.  If she contacts me, I will be there (can't promise how long), but fight the urge to contact.  It is hard.  I contacted my wife once in two weeks (only because I had a bad feeling in the middle of the night), and she contacted first all the rest.  You have to show strength, resolve and the ability to show that you are ok with or without them.  It isn't a manipulation tactic as much as showing you are healthy and they can count on someone.  The fact that she is with her replacement, you need to step completely back and let her live that choice.  It is hard to not contact or be her crutch, but continuing to "be there for her" during this time is messing with your head.  She made her choice (if even for a moment).  You are letting her have her cake and allowing her to eat it too.  You are ultimately enabling that.  If her being with a replacement is contrary to your values, let her know and step away.  I will say this, I thank God that I don't have to deal with this part of BPD with my wife.  I'm sorry that you do and can't imagine how hard this must be for you.  You will get through it.  BE STRONG!  

[new2pain]

I have been trying to sit back and let her contact me first, and that has been working as far as initiating contact. She really hasnt been seeming like she is wanting to be rescued from anything, but the last few conversations have turned sexual, once this happens the next day I will normally just send her a hi or good morning but she then has lc with me acting like that never happened. 

According to her, the replacement is just fun, if she wasnt BPD she would be with me, im what she wants, but she can not emotionally handle it. She is going to T, but continues with replacement and throwing me crumbs... .So yes she does want her cake and to eat it too.

[MaroonLiquid]

... .but the last few conversations have turned sexual, once this happens the next day I will normally just send her a hi or good morning but she then has lc with me acting like that never happened.

She is using sexual advances as a carrot to keep you tied and for her to have the control.  I know it's hard not to be pulled into that, but don't.  No matter how bad you want to, don't.  She is getting her sexual needs fulfilled by someone else currently (I know that isn't easy to read or her) and "abusing" you with it in the process.  Again, I know my situation is a bit different, but poor behavior is poor behavior.  I allowed my wife to continue her poor behavior for 8 months until 2 weeks ago when I found it within me to not allow it any longer.  Not contacting my wife was difficult at times so I completely understand where you are coming from, but I believe in the last couple of days, she has figured out I'm not playing her same games anymore and why she and I are talking again (this time on my terms).  

[new2pain]

The angry part of me wants to tell the replacement,  not sure if there would be any value in that or just a short lived feeling of satisfaction?

[MaroonLiquid]

The angry part of me wants to tell the replacement,  not sure if there would be any value in that or just a short lived feeling of satisfaction?

Staying angry keeps you tied.  If she was your wife, I would say, "Tell him."  Because she is an exGF, it's good that you found this out about her now.  Be thankful she isn't your spouse.  Truth is, she has no ties to you (and vice versa), so the "satisfaction" of telling him will be very short lived, probably make things worse, may cause you problems and it isn't worth it.  I would go flat out NC for a while.  Let her wonder about you.  Also, you can start putting yourself back out there and showing her you don't need her.  Try not to be "readily available".  If she calls, keep it short and without much information.  Sometimes, it's best to not answer the phone and let it go to voicemail.  If she leaves a message, then you can screen and better understand where she is at.  You don't owe her anything.  That feeds her ego.    

[new2pain]

True, we arent married but basically lived like we were.  T told me this week that this is really like a divorce.

Today is just one of those rainy, crappy days making me think to much... .He is a POS and he and I talked when I first caught her, and then he called me another time when he suspected things, I didnt lie to him, so there is some presidence. 

[new2pain]

Feeling Empty

We had some communication still just text and phone calls. Yesterday afternoon she decided I thought she was a whore and that was making her examine her life and that I deserve better than her and now its back to silent treatment.  I Went to gym, went out with friends, (got approached by women, but I cant get her out of my head) struggled through work all day today, and getting ready to force myself to hit the gym... .I have never felt so empty, I just cant get my head wrapped around this, a year ago I would have swore we would be married by now and she is running around with replacement and I dont know if I even enter her thoughts one day to the next