Fresh Break up with BPD bf

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello all,

I was in a relationship for almost a year and things were going great, i thought, until he suddenly needed a break.  He didn't see it as a break up but he just needed a break to go through therapy because I was triggering abandonment and insecurity issues.  He had repeatedly grilled me about where I was, who I was talking to and if someone male even liked a post of mine on fb he would grill me about them.  Earlier in the relationship we got into a fight while his daughter, age 13, was there and I was so upset that I left.  Well, he now says that was when things started falling apart for him because I left and he wasn't over it.  Even though there were many times in the relationship that I asked him if "we" were ok and if he had any concerns.  For example, his sex drive would be less and he would always have some excuse as to why and it was never anything I did and shouldn't worry about it. 

Fast forward to the "break" and how he then decided he wasn't ready for a relationship and needed therapy but he couldn't stop me from moving on.  Is that not just a passive aggressive break up?  We eventually did break up because I said I'm not a stick around and wait type of girl and either we work through things together or apart.  Well, he chose apart.  But, he insists he is keeping my number so that we can maybe start over after he gets some help. 

I don't believe he will go to therapy because he always would say he was going to do something and NEVER follow through.  He was always the nice guy that everyone is always trying to "help" because he is so sweet and treated awfully in his job and marriage.  He hates his ex yet won't cut contact and still does anything she wants him to do and he still is employed by her father. This is all after 4 years of being out of the marriage.  He hates his job, feels inadequate yet has never done anything to solve any of it. 

I feel like I'm just dumping random information at you and thank you for listening.  Because I'm just trying to process the whole fake relationship.  If I was painted black why couldn't he just break up with me instead of leading me on?  Is that so I would continually check in with him and he could tell others I was stalking him or chasing him? 

Any insights would be wonderful.

Thanks.

[BlueFrog]

Hello all,

I was in a relationship for almost a year and things were going great, i thought, until he suddenly needed a break.  He didn't see it as a break up but he just needed a break to go through therapy because I was triggering abandonment and insecurity issues.  He had repeatedly grilled me about where I was, who I was talking to and if someone male even liked a post of mine on fb he would grill me about them.  Earlier in the relationship we got into a fight while his daughter, age 13, was there and I was so upset that I left.  Well, he now says that was when things started falling apart for him because I left and he wasn't over it.  Even though there were many times in the relationship that I asked him if "we" were ok and if he had any concerns.  For example, his sex drive would be less and he would always have some excuse as to why and it was never anything I did and shouldn't worry about it. 

Fast forward to the "break" and how he then decided he wasn't ready for a relationship and needed therapy but he couldn't stop me from moving on.  Is that not just a passive aggressive break up?  We eventually did break up because I said I'm not a stick around and wait type of girl and either we work through things together or apart.  Well, he chose apart.  But, he insists he is keeping my number so that we can maybe start over after he gets some help. 

I don't believe he will go to therapy because he always would say he was going to do something and NEVER follow through.  He was always the nice guy that everyone is always trying to "help" because he is so sweet and treated awfully in his job and marriage.  He hates his ex yet won't cut contact and still does anything she wants him to do and he still is employed by her father. This is all after 4 years of being out of the marriage.  He hates his job, feels inadequate yet has never done anything to solve any of it. 

I feel like I'm just dumping random information at you and thank you for listening.  Because I'm just trying to process the whole fake relationship.  If I was painted black why couldn't he just break up with me instead of leading me on?  Is that so I would continually check in with him and he could tell others I was stalking him or chasing him? 

Any insights would be wonderful.

Thanks.

[Mutt]

Hi BlueFrog,  



It's suffocating and frustrating when a partner's insecurities are getting in the way of relationships with people; social, friends and family.

A pwBPD lack a stable sense of self, don't really know who they are and have insecure attachments , a rage that is much of the source of their behaviors. He's attached to his ex and hence doesn't cut contact, the same attachment he has with you.

It's Ok. Many members come here with a lot on their chest and it's not always clear where to start. I can relate

[EaglesJuju]

Hi BlueFrog, 

I would like to join Mutt and welcome you. 

I am sorry that you are going through this.  I understand how it can be very difficult to think that things are going great in your relationship, then dramatically change.   

As Mutt mentioned,  people with BPD (pwBPD) have insecure attachments and intense fears of abandonment. PwBPD will employ coping mechanisms, such as dissociative splitting(painting  black) to avoid the feelings associated with abandonment.  Keeping your number is a way that your pwBPD continues to be attached to you. 

The behavior of pwBPD can be incredibly confusing. Take a look at this article. It is really helpful with understand the behavior of BPD.

Article 2: The Symptoms and Diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder

Do you still speak with him?