He just left me for someone else out of the blue

[dumpedanddying]

I don't know what to do or think. We were together for a year. He has broken up with me three times but we always got back together within a couple days. He has his episodes but he usually recovers by the next day. Things started changing a couple months ago started saying he feels smothered. He stopped being intimate blamed it on his new job and being tired, too much alcohol, low testosterone, then he said he just wasn't attracted to me anymore.  But everything else seemed to be getting better. Beautiful flowers and a weekend trip for valentines day, he cooked me a nice steak dinner the night before he left, I thought we were getting closer than ever. Then he just walked in the door and said someone asked him out and he wants to date her because he is not happy. He said he was just going to go out with her once. The next day he said I probably didn't have anything to worry about because he didn't like her that much but then he went out with her again and has been at her place every day and night for a week. He says he still loves me and wants to be friends like we were never together. I have not been able to eat a bite of food or stop crying. A friend told me that the more we love them the less they love us. I told him that I thought we were getting closer and he said he felt the opposite. We are neighbors so I have seen him a couple times he comes over like we are supposed to be buds now while I let him find his happiness. I put on a brave face and tell him that I want him to be happy because Im' afraid that if I show how devastated I am it will push him farther away. Is it over. She wont be able to handle him.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[JRT]

Hi Dumped... .

I am so sorry that you are enduring this pain. What a horrible thing that he has done! I can't even believe that he would seem as transaction and detached as he was to spell out his intentions with the other woman. Its like someone saying that they may or may not stab you - just not sure. My ex completely disappeared suddenly from my life; that seems humane in comparison.

I think that you came to the right place. Everyone here has been through something similar as you have so we have felt that confusion, and pain. It felt like an elephant sat on my soul!

Reading and writing seem to be very therapeutic in feeling better. Check out the 'lessons' over to the right of your screen. Also, feel free to read and contribute to threads like this one and share your thoughts and experience.

In terms of why he did what he did. If he is like a typical BPD, his fear of abandonment was triggered by you becoming close to them. It's just a feeling that they do not understand and the net result is what has happened. There are many more complexities to what they do and how those behaviors are triggered and you can learn about them here. But keep in mind that there was nothing that you likely did that caused this to happen. Likewise, there was little or nothing that you could have done to prevent it from happening. It is the disorder that caused this... .

Keep posting and reading... .you WILL feel better, I promise.

[dumpedanddying]

I have studied BPD and thought I understood what was going on. He thought that if I just stayed calm when he had his episodes and left him alone for a while he would even back out. It seemed to work great. He tells people that I am the best person he has ever known, he tells me that he wants us to be best friends for ever and that if there is anything I ever need that he will be there for me. He told me that he is sleeping on her couch while he gets to know her better. I don't believe that but it makes me think that maybe he will come back home soon. I went out with my friends to a club and had fun and told him that I planned to go out with them once a week. I hoped that would make him feel less smothered and more likely to feel a little jealous and want to come back. If nothing else my friends helped me stop crying and get out. But all I want if for him to come back home. I know this woman wont love him enough to put up with his outbursts and she wont even know he has BPD. What are the chances he will come back? 

[JRT]

I feel what you are going through... .I know you hurt... .wish I could give you a hug.

Its hard to say what will happen next, after all that are people and as much as they all seem to do similar things, there is a broad spectrum of variations. Mine never argued... .we had a really nice relationship, or so I thought until she left without warning after only moving into my home 3 weeks prior. We were engaged and just began to plan our wedding. She blocked me from contact and I have not heard boo from her in 5 months. Its hard to say what yours will do.

Bu you must ask yourself how you are going to deal with this. IF you are ok with remaining connected to a man that has done this to you in this way. If he has done it this time, he will very likely do it again or worse in the future. Do you really want that sword hanging over your head? I KNOW how you feel and I ma no different: 5 months later and there is something in me (albeit getting smaller every day) that would consider taking her back (my brain thinks that I am an idiot). Its a complex emotion... .you are a non so you don't handle breakups the way that BPD's do, you are normal.

Seeing him and hearing about his intentions and plans with the other woman must be an intense kind of pain, I don't want to even consider if mine was cheating or if she has taken up with another woman. But if you continue to speak with him, you will rip these wounds open all of the time. I am pretty sure that as this thread grows, that most posters will agree with me that you should eliminate all contact with him. That means phone, text, email, social media and many have even moved if they live in proximity. No contact is mantra here for many reasons.

You WILL get through this!

[waverider]

If you are just fitting around him like this, then even if he comes back he will have learned that you will put up with anything. It would not be any better.

It is hard, but you have to regain perspective and respect for yourself. A lot of members here have found that you can regain control of your life until you are willing to draw lines in the sand with the full acceptance that you are willing to give it all away if these lines cannot be kept.


It is to live in the limbo wishing things were different, but they wont be unless you make them so. This BPD and they will take all the slices of pie and options they can get  if there are no limitations.

You are hoping he will change or choose differently. You will have to push the issue and show him black and white options, then it is up to him to choose. You will not be able to progress until you do this.

You can understand BPD, but you can't control it, and it creates enormous amounts of collateral damage if you over compensate for it without protecting yourself.

"I understand him better than anyone else so he wont leave me" is a common faulty thought process. He is exposed to you, he may not like that, he may think it better to start afresh with a new facade so he doesn't feel exposed.

[dumpedanddying]

I am so confused, he is still with her stays at her house.he stays in touch with me and came over and slept on my couch because he didn't want to go to his own place. He told me some very persoal personal things really opened up

He came and helped me get a storage unit full of stuffoved two truck loads full and was nice the whole day, which is a first, he usually gets mad a few times a day

He said we are just friends now but he wants to fixe dinner tonight. It feels like I'm having an emotional affair with my boyfriend of the last year.I know he will want to sleep ony couch again.

What should I do. I don't like him having sex with her, it hurts! He says I'm the best person he has ever known but he stopped being attracted to me. :'(

[dumpedanddying]

 I'm not in a position to make demands, technically I'm his ex now and he is hooking her in, will he eventually just detach from me? I love him, I can't say stop being so nice to and leave me alone and I loved having a deeper optional bond and having h spend the night even if it was on the couch. I don't want to do the wrong thing and lose him.

[JRT]

But you are being abused. He is sleeping with someone else (which is unforgivable) and you are accommodating him by allowing him to sleep at your house and whatever other entailment you are providing.

If you are staying, it might be healthy for you to define boundaries to him and one of those being that you will not allow and enable him to sleep with someone else if you wishes to sleep on your couch, spend time together or have dinner. Its something that you may wish to consider.

[tvda]

Five years after this post so this hardly matters anymore in all likelihood but...

It feels like so many posts here are from people just keeping on 'loving' while they are being abused... And somehow I get this sneaky feeling that this isn't 'love'. It feels more like a one-sided obsession... Which feels recognisable to myself as well. Why do we keep on trying to make something so unhealthy and unrespectful, something so one-sided, into 'love'?

Of course it's because we can't let go of the idealized honeymoon phase, but still, it feels so distorted from our side, from the side of the partners of the BPDs...

[HopelessBroken]

I can tell you why from my perspective. Personally, I was so brainwashed. I know that sounds crazy but I was. I stayed in it as I trusted him and fell in love prior to the abuse. Then the BPD episodes began to happen as did the manipulation/brainwashing. It makes me sound like a complete idiot but I believed everything he did and said and looking back hardly anything was real or true. It took a lot of therapy to unlearn and unbelieve so many thoughts about myself.