At a total loss

[Hope1913]

I admire those of you that can type out the abuse. I'm not quite there yet. I want to put it all into words, but I don't know how. Images run through my mind that I try to express. I live with my father and he is possibly BPD, I have Nc with UBPD mother. I'm estranged from siblings. I'm 24, unemployed, seeking treatment for my own BPD, PTSD, drug addictions. I get triggered by my dad. I'm looking at a way to live somewhere more calm. I've been in crisis for 48 hours. My therapist won't respond. I flipped over all the furniture in the living room an hour ago. I need help. Waiting for a case manager to call me back. Thanks for being here

[Kwamina]

Hi Hope1913  

You are dealing with a lot of very difficult things right now. How long have you been no contact with your uBPD mom? You also mention being estranged from your siblings. Is this estrangement the result of what I read in your other post about how your sister was treated like the all good child and you basically like the all bad child?

Being raised by a uBPD mother can greatly affect a child as becomes very clear from your story too. I am very sorry that your childhood was so difficult for you and that you're now struggling with your own issues. Many children of BPD parents find themselves dealing in there adult lives with certain BPD traits themselves. This doesn't always have to mean that they actually have BPD, often it can also be learned behaviors or coping mechanisms children develop to deal with their 'dysfunctional' family environment. Have you been officially diagnosed with BPD? Do you feel like your BPD traits could be the result of learned behavior and/or coping mechanisms? And could you perhaps tell us a bit more about the BPD traits you identify in yourself?

You say you get triggered by your dad and that you've been in crisis for 48 hours. What led up to this crisis? Did anything specific happen in your life? Did your dad do something?

I admire those of you that can type out the abuse. I'm not quite there yet. I want to put it all into words, but I don't know how. Images run through my mind that I try to express.

My advice would be to just take it one step at time. These first posts are the start that will hopefully give you the impetus to get your entire story out.

[clljhns]

Hi Hope1913,

I've been in crisis for 48 hours

How are you doing? Did you speak to T and case worker?

Wishing you all the best. 

[NGU]

I admire those of you that can type out the abuse. // I've been in crisis for 48 hours. My therapist won't respond. I flipped over all the furniture in the living room an hour ago. I need help.

I see you're logged out. If you come back and read this, please understand that you don't have to write everything at once, or write it perfectly. Jot down a single sentence if that's all you can do, or bullet-point some of the thoughts that are swirling around in your head. These little pieces eventually form a type of draft, which you can easily use later if you want to write something longer.

[Hope1913]

I am dealing with a lot, but thankfully I'm dealing instead of running like I've done before. I've been NC for only two weeks now. Because my siblings and I were all treated so differently, we have had issues relating and understanding the mess she created among us. We are slowly mending and reconnecting. Your concern and understanding has made a great difference in my process of healing. I have been officially diagnosed with BPD by four different therapists. I've experienced chronic emptiness, fear of being alone, self-loathing, suicidal thoughts and actions, risky behavior, uncontrollable rage, and severe mood swings. I also suffer from PTSD related to the abuse she inflicted and sexual abuse while addicted to hard drugs.

*about my recent crisis

My dad is trying to help me the best he can, but he sometimes brings up very painful subjects that throw me into very harmful thoughts and behaviors. Two weeks ago I accepted that I have to end this painful relationship with my UBPD mother. I can't afford to be pushed and pulled anymore. Since my stay in a hospital this past week, I've been able to get some reassurance that I have the right to ignore my mother and move on. My dad came in for a family session and accepted that I do have this disorder and that he doesn't need to bring up certain topics. I have renewed hope. Thanks for listening.

[clljhns]

  Hope1913,

I am dealing with a lot, but thankfully I'm dealing instead of running like I've done before.

You can't see it, but I am giving you a standing ovation for this! Kudos to you, my friend! I know how hard it is to face our challenges and not run from them. You are very brave to do this!

Because my siblings and I were all treated so differently, we have had issues relating and understanding the mess she created among us. We are slowly mending and reconnecting. Your concern and understanding has made a great difference in my process of healing.

This is awesome news! Yea! I am so happy to hear that you are reconnecting with your siblings and have found a great deal of support and healing through this.

I've been able to get some reassurance that I have the right to ignore my mother and move on. My dad came in for a family session and accepted that I do have this disorder and that he doesn't need to bring up certain topics.

I am so glad that you have such a supportive team of professionals and your dad! Good things are happening for you!

Thanks for listening.

You are most welcome!   Please let us know how you are doing.

[NGU]

I have renewed hope.

Well then that makes your screen name perfect.

Please post again if you feel triggered.

[JRT]

Sorry that you are going through this. I can't tell you how much I am impressed that you are facing this and not running - that takes a TON of courage! Good for you, man! I hope that you stick to it and make progress.

Can I ask you how your dad triggers you and what happens as the result of those triggers?

[Hope1913]

Thank you soo much for the encouragement. My Dad left Va and went to Florida during my middle school and high school years. He avoided the situation completely and usually wouldn't answer my calls when my Mother was psychotic. I felt very much abandoned by him. He came back the month I graduated high school. He was a mess mentally. He was living in the back of his truck when I found him. I helped him get back to soceity after two years of taking him food, water, doing his laundry, and helping him app,y for disability.  Since then I have forgiven him for his mistakes and we have a somewhat beneficial relationship now.  However, when he talks about my mother as if she cares about me or if he acts like our problems are insignificant in any way, I feel very panicked and I begin crying. He is in denial of how horrible it was for me when he left. (I throw furniture, break things around me, scream at the top of my lungs, and then the suicidal thoughts come. )He has his own mental illness too. He abused drugs when I was little and did some very messed up things to my sister and I. No sexual abuse, or anything. We lived in the woods about three miles from a neighbor. We would visit him sometimes on the weekends when my mother allowed us. He would nod out on drugs and ignore us. The trailor would be trashed and inhospitable for young girls. He put us in a raft and sent us down the river once because he thought it would be fun. My sister was terrified of the river that ran past the trailer. He lost a great deal of trust when he did things like this. When he left, he broke our hearts. There's just a lot of trauma from over the years.

[JRT]

That is a lot of very difficult history with which to reconcile... .I am very sorry to hear that you had to endure that... .I wish that there was something that I could say or do that could help you other than listening, sharing my thoughts and offering my friendship to you. I can also help with what I know about BPD's in support. Again, I really think that your embrace of your problems to overcome them requires an incredible amount of courage.

What are your goals for your GF? What would you like to see happen?

[Hope1913]

What is GF?

[JRT]

shorthand for girlfriend

[Hope1913]

Well, I'm a straight, female. Maybe you confused my post with someone else's.

[JRT]

no... .just didn't pay attention to gender since it really doesn't matter here, it seldom comes up and no one really seems to care... .BF

[Turkish]

We're talking mom and dad (and sis) here, right, not significant other?

Hope1913,

It takes a lot of courage to change by not running again. Your anger is understandable to say the least. You're nc with your mom, and your dad still triggers you. How old were you and your sister when he sent you down the river? That's unbelievable!.

Almost 30 years later, my mom admitted to me once that she may have crossed the line into abuse when she was raging so badly at me that I had a seizure and fell to the ground. She was nicer to me after that incident... .for a few weeks.

I think one of the hardest things we have to deal with is that growing up abused and invalidated, we never learn to validate ourselves. That is, to me at least, accepting that it is ok to feel the way we do. Your mother probably enmeshed you to feed her identity. It sounds like you were parentified by dad, taking care of him when he should have been taking care of you. A let f us spent so much time taking care of our parent or parents emotionally, physically (or both), that we lost sight of ourselves. Being abused by our "charges," the lines between love and hate became blurred.

Christine Ann Lawson, author of Understanding The Borderline Mothersaid: ":)egradation by someone who claims to love you is qualitatively different than degradation by a stranger,"

I would also add neglect.

Please continue to let us know how you are doing, Hope.

Turkish

[Hope1913]

 I was 9 and my sister was 5 when that happened.

I'm sure hearing her acknowledge her behavior could have been bittersweet?

Do you have any contact with her?

I'm trying to validate myself, but the validation I'm getting from you guys has been very helpful in my recovery. I was enmeshed with her to an extreme. I had a tough time and still struggle today with separating myself from the insecurities she has in herself. It was exhausting in every way to try and keep her from raging at me ( as if I had in control at all) and I would compliment her and build her up as much as possible. In the meantime, my identity and self-esteem had been shattered by her actions. The only thing that kept me from taking my life when I lived in her house, was the belief that good is STRONGER than evil. I believed that I would survive and be free one day.

I know you can relate.

I would dissociate often when she was raging at me. It was impossible to stay present. She made sure I stayed present sometimes when she would make me repeat back to her the awful things she had said about me. I didn't believe them. I thought I didn't. I realized when I left her house how she had damaged me. I honestly thought that once I was removed from her house that I would be fine. I guess the little girl in me wanted to believe it to be that easy. I have parented my younger sister, mother, father, and now my inner child. I also ran my mother's daycare that she had in our basement from the time I was 9 until I was 13. She slept during business hours and I lied to the parents when they would ask me where she was. I parented a lot of those kids too.

It is a challange to maintain firm boundaries with my dad right now. He has a lot of health problems and I find myself taking care of him out of habit. Yesterday, I spent most of the day taking him to the dentist because he has 4 abscessed teeth. Cooking. Cleaning. Picking up his meds. I turn around and the day is gone. Then I begin to feel guilty for resenting my tendency to take care of him. I used to do this for his approval, now I do it because its a way to avoid my own health. He left me. He didn't protect me from her. He tries to make up for it now by being as supportive as he can be. The residual anger is there. I'm still so angry.

I'm trying to continue on a path of wellness. I plan on going to gym, eating better, and now I'm sleeping. Ill be receiving DBT which is best for borderlines, and going to church. I have a plan, now if I can just act on it. We have to be gentle with ourselves. Everyday is beautiful despite the pain. Thanks for listening.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Hope1913

Thanks for giving this background information.

The only thing that kept me from taking my life when I lived in her house, was the belief that good is STRONGER than evil. I believed that I would survive and be free one day.

I am very sorry to hear that you had such a tough time growing up but I am very happy though that you found the strength inside of you to keep fighting and are now reaching out for support This says a lot about your resilience and strength of character, even as a child.

She made sure I stayed present sometimes when she would make me repeat back to her the awful things she had said about me. I didn't believe them. I thought I didn't. I realized when I left her house how she had damaged me. I honestly thought that once I was removed from her house that I would be fine. I guess the little girl in me wanted to believe it to be that easy.

It's horrible that your mother made you repeat these things back to her. Even when you don't believe them, it still hurts hearing your own mother say them to you. I would say that your mother was most likely projecting her own inner negativity and chaos onto you, so she could feel 'better' about herself. Her hurtful words and actions weren't a reflection of who you really are at all.

I have parented my younger sister, mother, father, and now my inner child. I also ran my mother's daycare that she had in our basement from the time I was 9 until I was 13. She slept during business hours and I lied to the parents when they would ask me where she was. I parented a lot of those kids too.

After taking care of so many people I am very pleased that you've now come to the point that you are starting to nourish your own inner child. How does this make you feel, treating yourself with compassion and placing your own needs and wants first for once?

It is a challange to maintain firm boundaries with my dad right now. He has a lot of health problems and I find myself taking care of him out of habit.

Perhaps you could benefit from taking a look at some information we have on here about boundaries. When setting and enforcing boundaries it's important to keep in mind that boundaries are primarily aimed at protecting your own well-being: Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order

I'm trying to continue on a path of wellness. I plan on going to gym, eating better, and now I'm sleeping. Ill be receiving DBT which is best for borderlines, and going to church. I have a plan, now if I can just act on it. We have to be gentle with ourselves. Everyday is beautiful despite the pain. Thanks for listening.

Commitment and planning are essential ingredients when trying to get a handle on things. Sounds to me that you are definitely on the right track here

[Harri]

Hi Hope.  I want to jump in and welcome you to the board!  There are several of us here who have been diagnosed with c-PTSD and I have had to work through a lot of BPD behaviors of my own and I am still working on them! 

I'm trying to continue on a path of wellness. I plan on going to gym, eating better, and now I'm sleeping. Ill be receiving DBT which is best for borderlines, and going to church. I have a plan, now if I can just act on it. We have to be gentle with ourselves. Everyday is beautiful despite the pain.

Having a plan is so vital and it seems like you are factoring in all of the important stuff.  I hope you keep reading and posting here.  As you can see from the responses in this thread, this place is full of very supportive people who understand and can help cheer you on as you work through this stuff.  I look forward to seeing more of you on the boards.