Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
June 15, 2024, 07:04:30 PM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Experts share their discoveries
[video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
> Topic:
How on earth do we handle THIS?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: How on earth do we handle THIS? (Read 349 times)
Crayfog
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 45
How on earth do we handle THIS?
«
on:
March 03, 2015, 01:41:20 PM »
Hubby's uBPDew has been harrasing us both by phone. There is no language in the custody agreement saying how and when they can call about the kids. Originally it was calls to yell at my ex. Then he set boundaries that it needed to be about the kids. Then calls asking about their welfare started, which turned into yelling at my ex. Then, because the children started acting out after forced calls, we started letting them decide if and when they wanted to talk. All calls were interrogations to "catch you (hubby and I) in a lie". So further boundaries went up. We have never denied the children from talking to her. we have validated and supported them as they are not receiving that at their other home.
SD9 is failing several subjects and his ex's anger has been squarely on him for her failure. Since we used our boundaries and stopped letting her rage at us, she is beside herself.
She recently (two weeks ago) let us know a huge court battle was coming and her evidence was photos of mis matched socks and such. We didn't budge and went to our own lawyer to prepare. That faded.
Then SD9 shows up with a brand new iPhone 5s. The reason being that she did well on a test. But with the caveat that if she didn't always text mommy back and call her every night, it will be taken away. Now the fact that the damn phone is even at our home is funny. Her mom won't let her bring a single item of clothing, boots, needed warm coats, iPads, etc to our horrible home because she was certain it would get destroyed.
I'm effing mad. When SD9 previously had a phone, we found out mommy was texting and interrogating to get information she could use against us. My gut is to take it away the second she gets here. Send it back with her.
I hate doing that to her. But she's nine. And she's taking inappropriate photos and sending them. She's so proud of her phone, but if we can't get her to raise her grades, she's nowhere near mature enough. And it's clear that this just crazy mom's way of getting around our boundaries.
How would you handle this?
Logged
Restored2
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 329
Re: How on earth do we handle THIS?
«
Reply #1 on:
March 03, 2015, 02:05:11 PM »
Hi Crayfog. This is challenging stuff you are having to deal with. Sounds like the easiest and best solution is to confiscate the cell phone from your daughter being able to access. To "send it back with her" could be used by your daughter when she is away from your house and parental monitoring.
Logged
ugghh
Offline
Posts: 312
Re: How on earth do we handle THIS?
«
Reply #2 on:
March 03, 2015, 02:38:37 PM »
Why oh why must the BPDs always make such simple things hard?
It would seem to me that when daughter is staying with you that she is subject to the rules of the house. Nine is very young to have a phone of her own.
Perhaps something along the lines of the phone will be kept in the kitchen and you may use it to contact your mother whenever you wish, however it may only be used in the kitchen. I hardly think any court would question the wisdom of needing to supervise the access of nine year old to devices which may expose them to all sorts of unsavory characters (not thinking of the BPD in particular) . You are not restricting access, simply unsupervised access. Seems a perfectly appropriate limit.
Logged
livednlearned
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12792
Re: How on earth do we handle THIS?
«
Reply #3 on:
March 03, 2015, 07:47:27 PM »
Hi crayfog,
Boundary busting is hard. I feel that the technology boundary is one that everyone is struggling with, not just our kids. But add BPD to it, and it gets way too out of hand for what it is. My boundaries with electronics were really high for that reason. Technology can invade privacy like nothing else.
My ex gave me a 20-item list of things I had to agree to in order for him to give S13 a netbook. I wasn't allowed to touch the netbook unless I consulted with N/BPDx first to get his permission. In my house. My biggest concern was electronic surveillance.
I told S13 (11 at the time) that electronic devices made things confusing and people's feelings got hurt easily. So the rule was that he could keep the netbook in the house to charge it, but it was a gift from his dad, and that meant he could use it at his dad's.
I also worked out another deal with him to get him a laptop that he could use. He paid for half of it, and the other half was from me as a Christmas gift. But access to the Internet was something that was a privilege, and if he didn't hand homework in on time (his biggest challenge), then no Internet that night. If he forgot to hand in homework at school, he could earn Internet back by scanning his work and emailing it to his teacher.
He stopped really caring about the netbook.
Logged
Breathe.
ennie
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married (together 6 years)
Posts: 851
Re: How on earth do we handle THIS?
«
Reply #4 on:
March 03, 2015, 09:20:26 PM »
We have had similar issues. DH and my approach is to make clear to the kids t hat each house has rules and in our home the grownups here are in charge, because we are responsible for the kids and if we were not the kids could just say, "mommy says to feed me only ice cream" and then 5 he kids would always have tummy aches. This logic tends to work with our kids. We do not make rules in mommy's house and there is no way DH and I would let someone who is not present be in charge of children in our home.
And then, we set up what our rules for digital devices are. We talk with the kids about what limits work for them, they change with age, and my younger SD definitely has more privileges at 11 than her sister (almost 15) did at her age. SD 11 has a phone and our rules are:no phone use with outdoor permission, no phone at school, 15 mins digital time per day, no phone in her room without permission, phones are not private. if you do not want to follow the house rules, we take care of the phone for them until they go back to mom's and send it ask fully charged.
Finally, once we make clear what is okay, we stick with it in a kind way. When we take it away because they broke the eules, we offer to put it on a charger for them. Or ask them where they want me to keep it safe for them. And I am always real about my concerns w/out making anyone wrong.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
> Topic:
How on earth do we handle THIS?
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...