How on earth do we handle THIS?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hubby's uBPDew has been harrasing us both by phone. There is no language in the custody agreement saying how and when they can call about the kids. Originally it was calls to yell at my ex. Then he set boundaries that it needed to be about the kids. Then calls asking about their welfare started, which turned into yelling at my ex. Then, because the children started acting out after forced calls, we started letting them decide if and when they wanted to talk. All calls were interrogations to "catch you (hubby and I) in a lie". So further boundaries went up. We have never denied the children from talking to her. we have validated and supported them as they are not receiving that at their other home.

SD9 is failing several subjects and his ex's anger has been squarely on him for her failure. Since we used our boundaries and stopped letting her rage at us, she is beside herself.

She recently (two weeks ago) let us know a huge court battle was coming and her evidence was photos of mis matched socks and such. We didn't budge and went to our own lawyer to prepare. That faded.

Then SD9 shows up with a brand new iPhone 5s. The reason being that she did well on a test. But with the caveat that if she didn't always text mommy back and call her every night, it will be taken away. Now the fact that the damn phone is even at our home is funny. Her mom won't let her bring a single item of clothing, boots, needed warm coats, iPads, etc to our horrible home because she was certain it would get destroyed.

I'm effing mad. When SD9 previously had a phone, we found out mommy was texting and interrogating to get information she could use against us. My gut is to take it away the second she gets here. Send it back with her.

I hate doing that to her. But she's nine. And she's taking inappropriate photos and sending them. She's so proud of her phone, but if we can't get her to raise her grades, she's nowhere near mature enough. And it's clear that this just crazy mom's way of getting around our boundaries.

How would you handle this?

[Crayfog]

Hubby's uBPDew has been harrasing us both by phone. There is no language in the custody agreement saying how and when they can call about the kids. Originally it was calls to yell at my ex. Then he set boundaries that it needed to be about the kids. Then calls asking about their welfare started, which turned into yelling at my ex. Then, because the children started acting out after forced calls, we started letting them decide if and when they wanted to talk. All calls were interrogations to "catch you (hubby and I) in a lie". So further boundaries went up. We have never denied the children from talking to her. we have validated and supported them as they are not receiving that at their other home.

SD9 is failing several subjects and his ex's anger has been squarely on him for her failure. Since we used our boundaries and stopped letting her rage at us, she is beside herself.

She recently (two weeks ago) let us know a huge court battle was coming and her evidence was photos of mis matched socks and such. We didn't budge and went to our own lawyer to prepare. That faded.

Then SD9 shows up with a brand new iPhone 5s. The reason being that she did well on a test. But with the caveat that if she didn't always text mommy back and call her every night, it will be taken away. Now the fact that the damn phone is even at our home is funny. Her mom won't let her bring a single item of clothing, boots, needed warm coats, iPads, etc to our horrible home because she was certain it would get destroyed.

I'm effing mad. When SD9 previously had a phone, we found out mommy was texting and interrogating to get information she could use against us. My gut is to take it away the second she gets here. Send it back with her.

I hate doing that to her. But she's nine. And she's taking inappropriate photos and sending them. She's so proud of her phone, but if we can't get her to raise her grades, she's nowhere near mature enough. And it's clear that this just crazy mom's way of getting around our boundaries.

How would you handle this?

[Restored2]

Hi Crayfog.  This is challenging stuff you are having to deal with.  Sounds like the easiest and best solution is to confiscate the cell phone from your daughter being able to access.  To "send it back with her" could be used by your daughter when she is away from your house and parental monitoring.

[ugghh]

Why oh why must the BPDs always make such simple things hard?

It would seem to me that when daughter is staying with you that she is subject to the rules of the house.  Nine is very young to have a phone of her own.

Perhaps something along the lines of the phone will be kept in the kitchen and you may use it to contact your mother whenever you wish, however it may only be used in the kitchen.  I hardly think any court would question the wisdom of needing to supervise the access of nine year old to devices which may expose them to all sorts of unsavory characters (not thinking of the BPD in particular) .  You are not restricting access, simply unsupervised access.  Seems a perfectly appropriate limit.

[livednlearned]

Hi crayfog,

Boundary busting is hard.    I feel that the technology boundary is one that everyone is struggling with, not just our kids. But add BPD to it, and it gets way too out of hand for what it is. My boundaries with electronics were really high for that reason. Technology can invade privacy like nothing else.

My ex gave me a 20-item list of things I had to agree to in order for him to give S13 a netbook. I wasn't allowed to touch the netbook unless I consulted with N/BPDx first to get his permission. In my house.    My biggest concern was electronic surveillance.

I told S13 (11 at the time) that electronic devices made things confusing and people's feelings got hurt easily. So the rule was that he could keep the netbook in the house to charge it, but it was a gift from his dad, and that meant he could use it at his dad's.

I also worked out another deal with him to get him a laptop that he could use. He paid for half of it, and the other half was from me as a Christmas gift. But access to the Internet was something that was a privilege, and if he didn't hand homework in on time (his biggest challenge), then no Internet that night. If he forgot to hand in homework at school, he could earn Internet back by scanning his work and emailing it to his teacher.

He stopped really caring about the netbook.

[ennie]

We have had similar issues. DH and my approach is to make clear to the kids t hat each house has rules and in our home the grownups here are in charge,  because we are responsible for the kids and if we were not the kids could just say, "mommy says to feed me only ice cream" and then 5 he kids would always have tummy aches. This logic tends to work with our kids. We do not make rules in mommy's house and there is no way DH and I would let someone who is not present be in charge of children in our home.

And then, we set up what our rules for digital devices are. We talk with the kids about what limits work for them, they change with age, and my younger SD definitely has more privileges at 11 than her sister (almost 15) did at her age. SD 11 has a phone and our rules are:no phone use with outdoor permission,  no phone at school, 15 mins digital time per day,  no phone in her room without permission, phones are not private. if you do not want to follow the house rules, we take care of the phone for them until they go back to mom's and send it ask fully charged.

Finally,  once we make clear what is okay, we stick with it in a kind way. When we take it away because they broke the eules, we offer to put it on a charger for them. Or ask them where they want me to keep it safe for them. And I am always real about my concerns w/out making anyone wrong.