PERSPECTIVES:  Grieving Mental Illness in a Loved One

Do you have a child or a family member or a spouse with a mental illness?

Are You Grieving? There is something going on within each of us and we may not be giving it the attention and recognition it deserves; we are grieving.

We often think of grieving as a process reserved for those who have experienced the death of a loved one --  grieving is a healthy and natural process that occurs in response to any significant loss regardless of what that loss is.

Grief Can Take a Toll on Us Early on in our journey of being a supporter or caretaker for someone who is mentally ill we felt initial relief to discover either through our own research or through a professional diagnoses that there is a name for our loved ones' struggle.  Most of us moved quickly into problem solving mode, looking for ways to help our loved one and paid little to no attention to what we are actually feeling.  As our journey continued and we learned more about this mental illness we begin to become exhausted, confused, frustrated, sad, angry, guilty, worried, lost, isolated, scared, ashamed, and many more emotions.  In short... .we are experiencing loss. When we feel loss, we are grieving.

When we fail to do grief work, acknowledge our feelings and the losses we experience, it can really take a toll on us and keep us "stuck". Consciously grieving is a positive experience that can renew our hope  and lead us to make positive choices for ourselves. As we begin to consciously grieve we are giving ourselves the opportunity to recover from our experience with mental illness as a caregiver and even as a sufferer. The grieving process is highly individualized and there is no set rules to comply with.  Unhealthy grieving occurs when we stay in the same stage with no movement for "too" long.  How long is too long depends on the individual and their unique circumstances.

Grief Recovery The upside is that the grief process has recognizable phases or stages, one of these stages is accepting or acceptance. As we become aware of the coping strategies we already have and begin to use them more effectively through consciously grieving we discover new skills, reduce our stress and boost our self esteem. We can find some peace and calm for ourselves and that is essential for each of us to be healthy.

There are 4 phases or stages of grieving:

Denial

Anger

Sadness

Acceptance/Accepting

Fear is usually present in the denial, anger and sadness stages of grieving.  Being afraid is a survival instinct.  Fears can be tamed by naming and claiming them as our own and allowing them to prompt us to make positive, necessary changes in our lives.

The acceptance stage is often referred to as the accepting stage because we may have to revisit this stage many times in our grieving journey.  As situations evolve and new losses are experienced we will need to work towards accepting these losses.

Workshop Objectives  The key discussion points around understanding the grieving process:

• What stage or phase of grieving are you currently in?

• What losses have you experienced in your life due to your mental illness experience?

• How do you help yourself cope with your feelings?

• Are there ways you use your experiences constructively?

• Are you grieving in a healthy way?

• What do you do with your fear?

• Will you ever finish grieving?

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* The focus of this thread is on self and our personal thoughts, feelings, and grief process. Please be mindful of this in your replies.  It is important work that we each need to do for ourselves.

Thanks in advance for your participation and advice in this workshop.


*Adapted from "Grieving Mental Illness" by Virginia Lafond

I am hovering somewhere between sadness and acceptance. I have a lot of good things happening in my life right now, and I am taking time to be present and appreciate them. I owe a lot to everyone here and to my T for opening my eyes to the presence of mental illness in my life that I was unknowingly, poorly coping with. Still, I find it hard to fully accept that this is just the way my wife is, not intentional, not willfully so, but because she can be no other way. I still struggle to accept that I will never have an outlet in her for expressing my feelings, hopes and dreams. But, I am learning that it's up to me to find the outlets that I need, and I want to get on with being alive.

Releasing the desire for her to change, every change that I need for my own happiness is possible. That's where I am at. Thanks for the good topic and reminder that grieving is part of what makes us human.

For a long time, I felt like I rotated through anger, sadness and acceptance. Some days I was ticked off that I had to deal with this nonsense, other days I was sad that there are some things he just doesn't have to give me. Other days, I accepted and enjoyed what I have.

At this point, I think I have reached acceptance, although I think I regress into sadness occasionally. I'm not sure if I will ever stop grieving, because the loss of a SO who can empathize with me when I'm feeling down leaves a big hole in what I think a marriage should have. Knowing that when the going gets tough, my spouse goes away (mentally or physically) is a sad thought.

•What stage or phase of grieving are you currently in?

I am in the accepting stage.

•What losses have you experienced in your life due to your mental illness experience?



The loss of my ideals of what having a daughter to raise would be like... .closeness at the different stages of her development, watching her play sports, talking about her dreams, watching her make lifelong friendships, being part of her inner circle of valued and trusted people, and so much more... .



•How do you help yourself cope with your feelings?

I came here and learned I was not alone in my grief, I learned the skills to have a better relationship with my daughter, I allowed myself to be sad, angry, afraid and used those feelings to fuel my quest for affective care for my daughter and wholeness for myself.

•Are there ways you use your experiences constructively?

I share the success of my journey/ my daughter's success here at bpdfamily.com.  Once you  have suffered you have more compassion to offer to others, a greater ability to empathize, listen, and support.  The mental illness experience has made me a better person all around and I celebrate that.

•Are you grieving in a healthy way?

Initially I didn't.  Just like it is written in the first paragraph... .I was looking for ways to help my daughter... .not myself.  When members here would ask how I take care of myself I would think... ."me... .it's not me that needs help! If my daughter would get better I would be just fine!  That's all I need".  Honestly I can't really remember going through the "anger" phase that much.  Of course there were times that I became angry and they didn't last.  So perhaps I wasn't consciously grieving during that time.

 

•What do you do with your fear?



Because of my faith I can recognize it, validate myself for having it, see it from different perspectives, and confront it head on.  I do not allow it to dictate my decisions or responses.

•Will you ever finish grieving?

Probably not.  As I wrote initially I am in the accepting stage.  I know that in life there will be disappointments and losses.  As these hard things happen I will have to work on accepting them individually and integrate them into my tapestry of life.

lbj

Thankyou for the post rapt,

I think I am somewhere between anger and saddness.

It's really sad that you can't ask your partner for emotional support and he is never there for problem solving weather it's about the relationship or other.

I m at point in my relationship when he is dysregulated and I can't do anything about it besides being aware of the fact that he is this way and I can't do much about it besides taking care of myself.

No Johnlove,you are not the only one.i feel the same since I have known about BPD every song seems to be about BPD love anthem .

This is called "disenfranchised" grief.  Not only do we have to deal with the stigma associated with mental illness and those who mean well and are invalidating, we also have to grieve when society for the most part doesn't recognize that we deserve to/should/or need to grieve.

I'll try the workbook. Already read the book. I find it most difficult to get over the loss of "should". What he should do, what I should say, all to make the relationship be what it should be. It is difficult to get beyond that and accept it for what it is... .not enough.

... .thanks for the tears! Very beautiful and powerful post. The past 2 days I've been feeling a little overwhelmed with my H and his recycling conversations. Last night I wanted to hop in the car and disappear for a few hours... .and I should have. This has given me encouragement and thank you for that <3

Well done!

Amen to that!

I have to agree with those who wax and wane.  I have accepted my BPDs' mental illness.  Yet there are days when I still wonder "why".  Not for me ... .for him.  Then it is time to rationalize the culprit is the disorder, not the person, and he struggles every day, just like I do.  In fact, it must be infinitely harder for him. This invokes compassion and the realization that things can always be worse.  My son is alive, and that is a huge gift because with life comes the opportunity for hope. Not for a cure, when there is none, but for the good days and loving memories that are so deeply cherished.

I love Pharrell Williams' song.  I made it "mine" from the first time I heard it.  When I become sad and overwhelmed, it is a reminder that life is what we make it.  I choose to be happy and trust that God has a reason and a plan for all of us.

Thanks for bringing this up.

Dear purplezinnia,

You  have experienced much loss in life. You have much to grieve the loss of.




Love is the greatest motivator of all, you can do this.  We will help.

lbj

Thanks for being so honest... .It sounds like you are starting to do the things that you need to in order to understand your anger and to learn from it, purplezinnia. Please make sure to check out the links to the right-hand side of this page; The Lessons and the Tools will give you the answers you are looking for in order to repair the relationship you have with your daughter.

According to Virginia LaFond, in order to get a handle on our anger and move on from it, we need to learn that being angry is okay, and that we need to learn ways to express and use our anger constructively--we can learn how to handle our anger. We need to be able to find and affirm our own reasons for being angry, and to work actively to discover what our own particular angering situations and issues are. She suggests:

Use our anger positively: It has a legitimate place and function in our lives.

Anger is an unacceptable excuse for destructive behavior.

Anger requires us to make choices about its use.

Whatever form our loss takes, our anger is normal and healthy.

When we are consciously grieving our experience with mental illness, making use of our anger is an unavoidable part of the journey to recovery.

She suggests that we deal with anger step by step:

1. Name and claim your angry feelings; you are feeling angry for a reason. The list, short or long, contains realities that have meant crushing hardship.

2. Look for the cause of your anger. Looking for what's underlying the feelings of anger can have many benefits, including some unexpected and welcome ones.

3. See in anger its signal for decision-making: The key to learning how to employ anger constructively is to recognize its presence as early as possible, and to see this as a signal to start making decisions. Recognizing anger can be the start of a fact-finding mission to determine how others have handled the same situations that you are in, and the availability of resources in your community, and to find out what you can realistically expect.

4. Find a safe place--a place to give ourselves a chance to simmer down, sort out our issues, rank them, and then make choices. She suggests that safe places can be bathrooms, bedrooms, kitchens, studies, streets, park--any place that provides a calm, supportive atmosphere. And we should consider inviting someone we trust to be with us when we are attempting to put the energy of our anger to a useful purpose--this not only makes a safe place more safe, but also can be of real value in helping us make constructive decisions.

5. Choose a constructive route for our anger.

There is more information in the book "Grieving Mental Illness" (linked to in the first post on this thread).

• What stage or phase of grieving are you currently in?

I'd have to say that I am in the acceptance stage... .For all of my BPD loved ones (diagnosed adult son, Husband with BPD traits, undiagnosed BPD M-I-L, and D-I-L with BPD traits). Finding this site and learning the Lessons and reading the books I've read have helped me get to this point. Learning the communication techniques in dealing with each of them has made things better, also.

• What losses have you experienced in your life due to your mental illness experience?

I've lost the dream of my son accomplishing all of his goals when he was a child; the BPD that started kicking in during his pre-teen years derailed his being able to make the best use of his education, and he is now just treading water when it comes to being able to support himself. He is in recovery for the BPD, and doing well in that way, but his maturity and accomplishments have been stunted.

I've lost the dream of having a great relationship with a D-I-L; I somehow always thought that my D-I-L would be like a daughter to me. Since I have 2 sons (the non-BPD one is the one who is married), I'd always dreamed of having a daughter or daughters, once they'd marry. Not in the cards for me... .She and I have a carefully respectful--and sometimes even warm--relationship, now that I've learned how to help that along by using the correct communication tools.

But we are not really close, and nothing like a real Mother/Daughter-type relationship like I'd hoped. It's too bad, too... .I love her like a daughter, and have always wanted a great relationship, but she is not interested in anything more than just friendly chitchat when we see each other, every few months or so. Which also affects my dream of how being a Grandmother would be; their only child is almost 2 years old, and I've only seen him maybe 9 different times? Maybe less.

• How do you help yourself cope with your feelings?

I read books about BPD and relationships. I read other members' stories on this site. I ruminate with my Husband about our situation (especially with D-I-L), and vent to him so I can be in wise mind and centered when dealing with my BPD son and D-I-L (other son's wife). I remember that I need to Radically Accept my relationships, and be thankful for what I do have... .I could be unknowledgeable about BPD and how it works (like in the past), and things would be so much worse. I know that for a fact; things were so much worse in the past.

• Are there ways you use your experiences constructively?

I am more compassionate, empathetic, understanding and loving to everyone in my life now; what I've learned to make life better with my BPD loved ones has made me a better human being all around. I use my experiences to help others in the same shoes I was wearing in the past; I listen and give insights when I can.

• Are you grieving in a healthy way?

I am. I'm taking care of myself; I give myself some slack and love when things get frustrating or painful enough to make me sad. I have my support system of sisters and friends (and the members here) to comfort me and give me advice when I need it. And then I move on; I try not to dwell on negative things.

• What do you do with your fear?

I don't really have fears anymore; now that my BPD son is in recovery (from not only BPD but also a multi-year Heroin addiction, that landed him in the Dual Diagnosis Program that gave him the BPD diagnosis 2 years ago) and my D-I-L doesn't "do" No Contact with us anymore, I don't fear too much... .After worrying that your son will die of an overdose, worrying about him finding a "good job" is not much of a traumatic event. After worrying that you will never see your first grandchild because of No Contact, when that isn't happening anymore and you see him every now and then, you are thankful for that blessing.

• Will you ever finish grieving?

Probably not. But I think that the pain of it gets less and less with time, and easier to overcome. My new approach to my situation is helpful and calming for me... .I'm happier than I've been in years 

Just the topic I needed! I have been grieving today.

What stage or phase of grieving are you currently in?  Sadness, anger!

What losses have you experienced in your life due to your mental illness experience.  The loss of my brothers, because they could or did not want to deal with my issues.  The loss and abandonment of my entire family, except my sister, because I got into recovery and they did not like what I was saying and doing in my therapy.  As far as our son, it has been very painful and hard getting to the acceptance.  I did not want him or any of our children having to suffer as I did.  I wanted to protect them and fix it and make certain they had normal, happy wonderful childhoods and adulthoods.  Surprise surprise I do not have that kind of power!  It has really affected me deeply and intensly and I have felt alot of guilt at times, excessive responsibility at times.  Watching some of our children struggle with mental health issues has been very hard on me and I have become very depressed at certain times.  My dreams hopes and aspirations for them being dashed and not fulfilled has been very hard to accept.

Are there ways you use your experience contructively?

Yes I led Recovery Int. for people with Mental Health issues for ten years.  I still participate in phone meetings.  It saved my life.  Also sharing with our children all the tools I have learned for myself with them.  Sharing my experience, strength and hope with others in 12-step programs and on this site.  I also belong to a mental health phone group I attend once a week and am planning to write my own story and publish, and get more involved in ridding our society of the stigma  toward people  with mental illness.

Are you Grieving in a Healthy Way?

Sometimes yes, sometimes no.  I have a hard time accepting my grief and intense feelings and crying.  This site and all the information I am reading is helping me do this much better.  When I fell like I am losing my mind in my grieving process and attach danger to it, I am not accepting my grief as a normal, healthy part of life.

What Do You Do With Your Fear?

Oh gosh I got into so much fear just the other day, when my swBPD, came in and starting talking about his DBT group and how he didn't feel he fit in and how he wasn't like any of those people.  How he doesn't have half the symptoms and behaviors they have and maybe he is not BPD afterall.  Oh I really got into fear, thinking here we go again he is going to run and not stay in his therapy and DBT group, etc,. etc.  How I deal is talk to healthy supportive people.  Pray, pray, pray, pray, meditate, meditate, read, read, call my own mental health group, call my therapist of 20 years who is my dear friend now.  Go to my 12-step meeting, sometimes attend extra meetings on the phone, whatever helps me get out of my frantic state at the time.  I do not like to be in emotional pain!

Will You Ever Finish Grieving?

No.  Realizing that I lost my own mother at four years old, my two sisters, baby brother, entire family abandoned me, my first husband died of cancer. I suffer from long-term depression and ptsd, so I feel I will always have periods where I will be grieving something!


Thank you lbj for this subject I so needed it!  I needed the validation that it was normal and healthy too! Kelti