Does it get worse when you marry them?

[clydegriffith]

I will guess that it gets wore with marriage. I think a lot of people make the mistake of thinking things will get better but marriage isn't some magical thing that makes problems go away and my opinion is extremely overated. For the most part, people are who they are and being married won't make any difference.

The BPDx was married to the guy i replaced. That marriage fell apart in less than 3 years even though they had back to back kids. This should have been a huge red flag to me but hey i was young and dumb. The BPDx then quickly had a child with me. Fast forward two years after b/u and she had another baby with yet another guy that she's engaged to. She assures me that this guy is "the one". I highly doubt that as she was engaghed to a different guy a year and a half ago and saying the same things. I can't help but laugh as i'm typing this. How in the world can this woman pass for normal?

[downnout98]

When it came to living, my ex and I were perfect around each other. We loved being around each other and were each other's best friends. Our problems mainly rose from my ex wife and my family. You see, she painted them black. In her mind, they were always out to get her or to break us apart. That was hardly the case. Our arguments always arose from this and my daughter. My daughter was also being painted black just because she was associated with my exwife.

The sad thing is that I stood by my exBPDgf through all the issues and false accusations, and always showed her that I chose her over everyone else except for my daughter. She admitted that she let her anger blind her. I think it was this disorder that did us in.

When we talked about reconciling early on, these issues were the ones that would trigger her anger. I wish that it wasn't so.

I used to think that marriage would help fix this.

[WhatTheFrank]

Like most stories I've read here, my exBPDgf wanted to get married early in the relationship.  Before I knew what BPD was, I would tell her we would need a period of normalcy without the intense fights before I would even consider it.  After we had been together for over two years (with never a longer than a 3-month long period of "normalcy" which barely met my personal requirements), we had a real bad fight about me not proposing to her with her basically proposing to me and me telling her no.  At the end of the relationship when she had ran off with another man, I asked her why she had drifted away and she told me that I had never brought up proposing to her again.  Within 6 months of the end of our relationship, the new guy proposed to her. Oh, and they aren't together anymore.

[Invictus01]

Within 6 months of the end of our relationship, the new guy proposed to her. Oh, and they aren't together anymore.

No way! Any idea why? 

[AwakenedOne]

I think when they know they've "got you" because you're married and you'll do almost anything to make it work, the most severe abuse will surface.  

This comment is so true. I think they feel we are pathetic for loving them. That makes them rage even worse.

[Dutched]

In general, and as experienced, I would say, yes.

= the disorder can be more or less dormant for years, specific High Functioning.

= pwBPD long for love, and as we all do, long for a normal family life.

= pwBPD fear that same love they long for simultaneously feeling trapped out of fear for abandonment.

= pwBPD as soon they feel trapped/secure, begin to test the love of their SO (that fear pops in)

= pwBPD need to be in control of their feelings (abandonment) to be secure and being acknowledged by their SO’s love

It is known that pwBPD will destroy the same they long for, love

   PwBPD rather lose things very important to them than lose themselves (Randi Kreger)

The broken attachment is within themselves; not with you.

By leaving you first she was controlling the demolition.

Control trumps their fear.

Often a sense of control is all that is keeping them from losing it completely

PwBPD show you half of their live, the other half is shown after the friendship is over.

[clydegriffith]

I think when they know they've "got you" because you're married and you'll do almost anything to make it work, the most severe abuse will surface.  

This comment is so true. I think they feel we are pathetic for loving them. That makes them rage even worse.

Agreed. Marriage and/or kids really gives a much higher ceiling of the things the victims put up with and they know it.