Criticism - how do you learn to deal with it?

[Sofie]

Hi all!

In the therapeutical aftermath of my break-up with my exBPD girlfriend which has also coincided with that I for the first time in my life have taken a long hard look at my childhood growing up with uNPD/BPD mom and enabler dad, I have had to admit something to myself which I find terribly embarrassing and childish: I am extremely bad at being criticised. It really does not matter whether it is mean or unfair criticism or whether its criticism meant to be helpful and constructive, my reaction is the same: I become extremely ashamed and angry at the same time. I never let either show, but secretly, I can brood and obsess about the criticism for days.

Within my professional field, I am a nation-wide recognised capacity, and - on a rational level - I know that I have done well for myself and am well-respected and perhaps even looked up to. However, if - let's say - I am at a conference and ONE person asks a critical question, I am emotionally floored and my day is ruined. All those who acknowledge my work or praise what I'm doing... .they just don't seem to matter. It's only the criticism that stays with me.

Of course, I have thought a lot about where these emotions stem from, and I definitely think it has to do with being shamed a lot as a child for any (perfectly natural) feelings or reactions which my mom didn't like at the time or found inconvenient. I was raised never to show weakness, chin up, be totally independent and never to cry - that was the only code of conduct accepted in the home I grew up in.

Can any of you relate to this? And how have you learned to cope? Thanks a lot in advance!

[Pingo]

Hi Sofie, Wow, I can relate to every word you said. Similar upbringing, not allowed to express uncomfortable feelings, etc. I never could take criticism but it has become a big problem since my BU last year. I don't think anyone enjoys criticism and frankly who gives anyone the right to criticise another person, invited or not? I am finding that I am becoming more objective about it. I am still triggered and can get really upset but I also can see what I'm doing and know I'm probably over-reacting. I stop to ask myself, does this person's opinion really matter? Am I going to base my behaviour or feelings on their criticism? I'm hoping with time that objectivity will help me be less reactive. I have found that recognising that little girl in me, the one who struggled to survive in such a dysfunctional environment growing up, is still inside me and needs compassion and understanding. I don't beat myself up about over-reacting so much anymore, I see that I am in pain and cut myself some slack. I don't get as embarrassed about it as I once did.  The inner-child work I've done has been key for me. I recommend the book by John Bradshaw 'Healing the Shame that Binds You', it has been a life-changing book for me and my healing.