Why me ?

[jacob77]

Been living with a BPD partner for 5 years.  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tjay933]

welcome. anything you want to specifically talk about? questions for the group? or just why me? we've seen/lived it all so it's nothing new here. maybe we can help?

[jacob77]

It started 4 years ago when I met this amazing woman.  The signs of BPD were there ... .but hell what did I know about BPD... .!

Within a year, and once we moved in together I came to realize that I live with a monster.  This person is the sweetest and kindest human being I have ever met, yet out of the blue an angry monster would come out and destroy anything and everything in her ways.  It usually begins with anxiety, very bad behavior, then insults, and verbal attacks and if I am not careful and don’t de-escalate, the physical side will come out, and furniture will start to fly over my head... .! That’s when my run away journey begins.

The minute I ran, then the phone and text of I am sorry, I love you begin to come at me from every communication orifice known to man... .typical text book BPD.  So I live my life on the run. 

The problem that upsets me the most is that we have gone to counselling over and over, and many of the shrinks that we went in front were smart enough and competent to able to recognize the symptoms... .yet none of them would tell me what I was dealing with.  So her condition went on for 2-3 years in which I thought part of the problem was me.

So one day when things were so bad, I insisted that she takes an anger management workshop because that’s all what I thought the problem to be, before I knew anything about BPD…she went through the program, and surprisingly she got much better for about 8 or 9 months.  I started to see some lights at the end of this dark tunnel until 4 or 5 months ago, when the monster came back. 

So  finally I went to see a new therapist on my own, and within the first 15 minutes of me describing my life, he interrupted me, and told me that my partner is  BPD. 

This had affected my psyche, my personality, my business, my sexual desire, and my view of the world.  I feel trapped, and I know this person needs help, and I am in her path for a reason... .! But God I am drained... !

That’s my story in brief.



     

[tjay933]

i totally hear you. been there, done that.

The minute I ran, then the phone and text of I am sorry, I love you begin to come at me

got that regularly myself.

we have gone to counselling over and over, and many of the shrinks that we went in front were smart enough and competent to able to recognize the symptoms... .yet none of them would tell me what I was dealing with

that made me mad too since i had no idea but they did! unfortunately, i understand now why they didn't say it up front-most BPDs when confronted with this diagnosis will do one of two things:

1. deny it

2. accuse you of having it

you've probably already experienced these temperaments yourself and know how useless it can be to try to "reason" past one of those discussions.

posting your experiences and getting involved in others experiences is very therapeutic and just plain make it all make sense.

keep writing and stay safe. if you have specific questions, feel free to ask or if you just need to vent, we take it all without judgement and will do our best to help.   

I'm glad you found your way here. there are tonnes and i mean tonnes of people here who have all gone through the same thing. your among family here. we feel your pain as we have lived it and are living it. we are all together in this and can learn a lot from each other. there are also some very informative workshops here that i seem to learn something new every day from even though i've been studying/reading for almost a year now on BPD.

[Home at last]

Heya Jacob77,

Yep, you're not alone here. A lot of us have gone through this and some have made the difficult decision to split, while others have made the equally difficult decision to stay. Either way you go, there are amazing tools and people here to support you every step of the way.

My own exBPD (never officially diagnosed, but after some discussion with social work/psychologist friends of ours, everyone was well convinced) took me through the same roller-coaster: major wow highs and then a monster, as if from nowhere.  Then sometimes great apologies, but also sometimes a complete dismissal that anything 'crazy' had just happened.

Share more here about what's going on for you and people here will help. This site is often about getting *you* straightened out and as healthy as possible, so that you can work with your BPD partner in the most skillful way.

[Riverrat]

Welcome to the site!

Yes I experience the same Monster on a regular basis. I am amazed that so many posts seem to be directly talking about my dBPDgf, and our situations.

It's nice to reinforce that it is not US! When you see the same pattern in other relationships, it provides a sense of community that I am not alone.

Liked your comment about them being put in our path. God won't give us what we can't handle, but I seriously wonder where this relationship will take me. But I am committed to helping this woman in whatever way I can, as sometimes it seems that I am the only one who sees a problem, or cares enough to try.

[ColdEthyl]

I remember when I first saw the 'monster' my dBPDh could be. I was so surprised... .they are really good at putting on other 'faces'.

It was very helpful to me to come here and see other people have gone through what I have. Half the time, some of the stories on here read like a page out of my own life. It's helped to understand he doesn't do these things on purpose, and there are things I can learn for myself that help me and help him.

[jacob77]

Hello

I just want to thank you all for the kind words, and wonderful support.  I have been on this forum less than 24 hours, and I can already sense the family connection that exists among everyone.  I think for any of us to land here, there is a story behind that, and behind each story there is suffering... .but somehow I am now learning that suffering may not be intended as a punishment but more of a testimonial to our enduring spirits as it moves on this journey... .! I think god does smile at the world through acts of compassion and kindness and I can't think of a better way to test that other than to be living with a BPD.   

This forum is not going to just allow me to vent but also to learn from the experience of others and expand my sense of awareness beyond the dark and demonic moments.

This BPD experience has had a horrific effect on my physical life, and frankly had set me back and didn't allow me to fulfill many of my goals and dreams in life.  Yet, this experience had set me on a different path in life all together... .and there will be a day in which I will understand its purpose.   

To love and care for someone while being beaten up is the ultimate test of endurance especially in a society in which everything is disposable, and to some extent we all have choices for an alternative.

I am definitely interested in hearing how this experience has affected other people spirit and has anyone noticed or paid attention to their spiritual evolution while attending to a BPD.

Thank you again for all of your support

blessings

jacob

[ColdEthyl]

Well said, Jacob.

I am not personally religious, but I know other members are so it would be great to see how they feel in addition to others like myself. While I consider myself atheist, I also am not arrogant enough to say there is no God, rather just not one I 'know' or 'see'.

I have felt my whole life I was learning lessons. I've been through some pretty horrific events in my life, and if I had not gone through those things... .I probably would have been strong enough to handle this r/s. On the other hand, it seems like BECAUSE of events I have gone through, it has led me to this sort of r/s because of the problems with ME.

What I choose now is up to me. I know that now. Coming to this site has helped me learn that. I am working on ME, and my r/s will benefit because of it.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, jacob77  

I'd like to join everyone else in welcoming you to this site, and I do believe you've found the best place to help you with your situation... .Have you had the chance to check out the links to the right-hand side of this page? The Lessons and every other link will give you a wonderful understanding of just why your Significant Other acts the way she does, and thinks the way she thinks.

If you check out the Feature Articles at the top of the Staying thread listings page, under the 4 photos, you will find several really important and helpful Articles that will also give you insights and tips into how to understand and deal with her better.

It's not always easy to make a relationship like the ones we are dealing with on this Board work better, but lots of us have been able to do just that    Please check out the information I mentioned, and let us know if you have any questions about them... .and I'm really glad you are telling your story here. It's the first step in a positive direction for you, and with your thoughtful, loving attitude, I think you will find things getting better, jacob77