Talked to a friend, learned something about myself.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So I was having a conversation with a friend I've made recently. She flirts with me, and sometimes the conversation goes *there.*

Anyway, not sure exactly how we landed on it but... .

She said something along the lines of "I'm not good at sharing" (she was talking about, you know, that stuff.)

To which I replied "Sure, but that won't necessarily mean you won't be making a collection of your own while 'not sharing' the ones you 'collected"

Then she said "So you're telling me, while I'm off doing whatever I would be making you stay faithful to me?"

"That's a scenario highly in your favor. Wouldn't this be the aim?"

Anyway, it went on longer than that but there's something I noticed about my attitude towards dating and relationships. After the time I spent with my BPDEx, maybe I conditioned myself to simply stop seeing all that "love" and "loyalty" stuff as real. They're just words people use. They don't mean anything.

The idea that my romantic partner is loyal to me, is foreign. I sort of expect that while they're dealing with me, they are actively looking to either replace me or supplement what they get from me.

Obviously, if someone hotter, more wealthy and more interesting somehow met whoever I'm with and they got to know each other, it's a certainty that my mate would at the very least stray temporarily. It is just nature. That's fine, that's normal human behavior. I get it. What I mean is, the person will go actively seeking, always. No matter what. Unless this is also one of those things everyone is already aware of, but I'm only just getting now? A sick joke that went over my head. Everyone is Machiavelli's Prince, while I'm just some dumb rube. That sort of thing.

But then one wonders, what's to stop me? Maybe more Oxytocin receptors that make me more inclined to pair-bond (an unavoidable biological weakness that makes me inferior to my competition, something I both fear and loath in myself.) Maybe less options, less opportunity. Maybe some sort of hang-ups and guilt taught to me by my culture. Probably a mix of all of them.

Point is, my friend seemed a little perplexed about my view on the matter.

I'm wondering if perhaps my viewpoints have been warped somehow? That maybe while everyone else is seeing blue, I'm seeing green (a crude example.) My T said that my thoughts are warped. I normally don't say this... .but I think he's wrong. I think I'm seeing it for what it is, and not what is said. Words don't mean anything, it's just birds chirping.

It's weird, but my dad used to tell me whenever I got less than a 90 on an exam "What were you thinking about while you should have been studying? Whatever stupid unimportant garbage, yhat's what. If this is as good as you can do then you're going to end up as one of those useless bums out on the streets." The (not-so-funny) funny thing about that, is I'm starting to sound a lot like those crazy people on the street.

Has anyone's relationship with a BPD affected the very way you think and see the world? Do you feel as though your new views are more in line with reality or do you suspect something is wrong?

[Vatz]

So I was having a conversation with a friend I've made recently. She flirts with me, and sometimes the conversation goes *there.*

Anyway, not sure exactly how we landed on it but... .

She said something along the lines of "I'm not good at sharing" (she was talking about, you know, that stuff.)

To which I replied "Sure, but that won't necessarily mean you won't be making a collection of your own while 'not sharing' the ones you 'collected"

Then she said "So you're telling me, while I'm off doing whatever I would be making you stay faithful to me?"

"That's a scenario highly in your favor. Wouldn't this be the aim?"

Anyway, it went on longer than that but there's something I noticed about my attitude towards dating and relationships. After the time I spent with my BPDEx, maybe I conditioned myself to simply stop seeing all that "love" and "loyalty" stuff as real. They're just words people use. They don't mean anything.

The idea that my romantic partner is loyal to me, is foreign. I sort of expect that while they're dealing with me, they are actively looking to either replace me or supplement what they get from me.

Obviously, if someone hotter, more wealthy and more interesting somehow met whoever I'm with and they got to know each other, it's a certainty that my mate would at the very least stray temporarily. It is just nature. That's fine, that's normal human behavior. I get it. What I mean is, the person will go actively seeking, always. No matter what. Unless this is also one of those things everyone is already aware of, but I'm only just getting now? A sick joke that went over my head. Everyone is Machiavelli's Prince, while I'm just some dumb rube. That sort of thing.

But then one wonders, what's to stop me? Maybe more Oxytocin receptors that make me more inclined to pair-bond (an unavoidable biological weakness that makes me inferior to my competition, something I both fear and loath in myself.) Maybe less options, less opportunity. Maybe some sort of hang-ups and guilt taught to me by my culture. Probably a mix of all of them.

Point is, my friend seemed a little perplexed about my view on the matter.

I'm wondering if perhaps my viewpoints have been warped somehow? That maybe while everyone else is seeing blue, I'm seeing green (a crude example.) My T said that my thoughts are warped. I normally don't say this... .but I think he's wrong. I think I'm seeing it for what it is, and not what is said. Words don't mean anything, it's just birds chirping.

It's weird, but my dad used to tell me whenever I got less than a 90 on an exam "What were you thinking about while you should have been studying? Whatever stupid unimportant garbage, yhat's what. If this is as good as you can do then you're going to end up as one of those useless bums out on the streets." The (not-so-funny) funny thing about that, is I'm starting to sound a lot like those crazy people on the street.

Has anyone's relationship with a BPD affected the very way you think and see the world? Do you feel as though your new views are more in line with reality or do you suspect something is wrong?

[Turkish]

On old English teacher used to tell us:

"There are three ways in which we judge people: first, by how they look; second, by what they say; third, by what they do." I would add that the order is inversely proportional to the true judge of a person's character.

Thoughts are hard to control, and sometimes words as well, but actions are what count.

Of course traumatic relationships can influence our world-views, as do any experiences. I still carry fleas (traits) from my BPD mother, and also from being severely bullied from kindergarten into high school due to a genetic condition which makes me look different. I was even assaulted by a stranger at a gas station when I was 12 because the guy didn't like the way I looked. His action, his choice, drunk or not.

The three most significant women in my life have abandoned me in various ways due to a combination of addictions and mental illness (birth mom, mom, and the mother of my children). Their distorted world-views drove them to do what they did, my birth mother to an early death by OD. All of that is on them, not me. Those were their choices. Being aware of the why of your thoughts is the first step in choosing to be free from the chains of the past.