Afraid of being happy?

[GrowThroughIt]

  All!

I feel happy. Other times I feel really happy. I feel low and I feel really low! I feel angry, I feel upset. I feel optimistic, I feel down beat.

I go through a roller coaster of emotions in ONE day! But I've realised something... .

When I feel happy, I feel scared and upset. I feel upset knowing that when I have moments I do not think about my uN/BPDexgf, she must feel like that all the time (ie. I do not exist and am merely another name in her little black book). And an emotion that I've only begun to realise, scared. Almost fearful that this feeling of happiness will pass and I will feel down again. I am almost scared to feel happy and embrace it as I feel like it may not be how I ACTUALLY feel.

I guess I say this because the first 2 weeks after no contact I was doing great! Gym, work, socialising. Then I CRASHED for 2 weeks. Never had anything like that crash. I'm normally SO resilient! I'm scared I'll crash again. I'm scared that I'm merely putting on a brave face. I'm scared that I am still hung up on my ex.

I guess you could say I am feeling almost guilty. For just moving on. For cutting her out while she suffers, while I spend days singing and smiling.

Has anyone else ever felt like they were afraid of being happy?

[Deeno02]

Yep. Pretty much afraid of everything still after almost 7 months out. Afraid of happy, afraid of going out, afraid of meeting new women, afraid of running into them, pretty much afraid of the whole nine yards. Its part of what Im working on with my T, as well as the low self esteem issue aggrevated by my exgf. So, hang in there. It does get better.

[fromheeltoheal]

I feel happy. Other times I feel really happy. I feel low and I feel really low! I feel angry, I feel upset. I feel optimistic, I feel down beat.  I go through a roller coaster of emotions in ONE day!

So amplify that by about 10 and we can get an idea of what it's like to have the disorder.  And when we hang around with it for a while we inherit some of that for a time; for now, enjoy being you and feeling your own feelings again!

We were conditioned in these relationships to put the borderline's feelings first, since dealing with the disorder is a full time job for more than one person, so there is fear when we start taking our power back and making what we want matter most, fear of retribution and/or fear of discovering something new since we can forget how to feel for ourselves and it all feels new.  The good news is that will pass as we get used to our new life, not only that, we may become more grateful for it, which we usually do when we lose something and get it back.  Take care of you!

[DyingLove]

Yep ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ All that too.  :-(

[GrowThroughIt]

Anyone else have any thoughts on this?

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Hi GrowThroughIt

It seems like a rollercoaster of emotions is the norm when healing from a BPD r/s.  My theory is that it has to do with dopamine and the limbic system.  The initial lovebombing and idealization stage of a BPD is a false nirvana, counterfeit bliss and highly addictive.   Our neural pathways likely grew into this addiction and once set this is why so many stick around for so long waiting for more of that sweet poison.

  As we detach from the BPD experience those old pathways are still there, they take time to be rewritten.  Perhaps when your happy circuitry fires it is also connected to the twisted disappointment that comes with the highs and lows of BPD affection.  Happiness is conected to the anxiety wire as well.  This is my theory anyway.